Alright my friend. You are such a huge super star – at this point I want you to simply take a moment, take a breath, and appreciate all that you have done to this point. This work is no joke – which is why you don’t see a whole bunch of others in your life doing it! You are a rock star and that needs to be acknowledged. So take a moment and melt into that.
Today’s post is going to be utterly life changing, if you allow it to be.
Please take your time with this one, go slow, re-read any parts that you feel like you ‘got’ but didn’t cause an emotional shift in you, and be sure to give this post time and space to sink in and become real for you.
If you were able to watch all the videos in The Emotional Mastery Series from last post, you are well aware now of where your programming is, and you are starting to do the work of loving those programs – those self sabotaging parts of yourself – into the light. If you have not made your way through all of that work, then take a pause on this post until you have. What you learn there will be integral to your absorption of this work today.
Self Love Is Not Flakey
You will notice that in the final few videos of the Emotional Mastery Videos, we delved into the idea of loving all the parts of you that are causing you pain and anguish right now.
We moved towards softening resistance to that which you think is causing you pain and causing you to go ‘off track’ in your life, so that you can lean into the wisdom of those parts and allow them to show you where you are simply needing more love, so that you can express in a more healthful way.
If you are a self-improvement junky, this may have sounded like total blasphemy to you.
Truth be told, if you are a person living in this world where you are constantly told that you are broken, lacking, wrong, bad, fallen, sinful, not good enough and that you are in constant need of monitoring lest your vile true nature take over and cause you to fall into utter chaos – this most likely sounded like blasphemy to you.
Which is why I waited to bring this up until almost the end of this series.
You see if I had told you that self love – real, true, deep, radical self love – was the key to you moving forward in your life and absolving most of your issues at the beginning of this series, there is no way you would have heard me.
You would have either written me off as crazy, thought that you heard me but really filtered it through your self-improvement filter – which would have caused you to turn self love into a new kind of scoring system by which to rate yourself a success or failure – or you would have misunderstood what I meant by self love and assumed you just needed to take more bubble baths and ‘treat yo self’ more.
Now you are ready to hear the truth about self-love, and how it plays the most integral role in your transformation journey.
You see, you can really only get so far with self-improvement.
I am not here to write off the whole system of self improvement in one fell swoop – there is absolutely a time and a place for the journey of goal setting and ‘working’ on yourself and improving your inner game and all the other tools that personal growth/self-development has for you.
You must go through that phase in order to become ready for this next, most powerful one.
The Problem With The Personal Growth/Self Improvement Path
On the surface, personal development looks all well and good. You may even be thinking – what the heck Ali, YOU promote personal development and self improvement?! How can you come out now and say it is not the answer?
I hear you, I really do. Let me explain.
As stated above, self-improvement techniques have their time and place. They are great for bringing awareness to the areas of your life that you want to change, they are awesome for helping you develop skills such as self witnessing, self honesty and creating vision.
Where the wheels fall off is in the fact that personal development work is entirely centered around the idea that you lack something.
That you are broken.
That there is something wrong with you that needs fixing.
That you are damaged or messed up in some way and that you need to rectify this pronto.
So much of self-improvement work revolves around developing disciplines. Revolves around getting rid of ‘bad’ parts of you so that you can develop the good parts.
It is focused on pointing out all the problems within yourself that are holding you back from having what you want – the better job, more money, a more care free lifestyle, less drama in relationships, a better body, a better partner – so that you can ‘solve’ those problems and get on with having the life of your dreams.
Is any of this starting to sound familiar?
You see, this personal growth/self-improvement path is simply a slightly upgraded matrix/culture of lack mindset.
Rather than believing you don’t have the life of your dreams because you lack something on the outside (your image is wrong), or that you don’t have the life of your dreams because you are fundamentally a shitty person and there is no way to rectify this except through means of changing your external reality, self-improvement work tells you that there is still something missing from you, still something fundamentally lacking, but it is INSIDE you. The whole system tells you that if you could just manage your INNER world better, the outer world will become what you want it to be. You will have your dream life, not through buying things or getting a better image, but through burning away all your ‘bad’ parts so only your ‘productive’ and ‘positive’ aspects shine through.
Self-improvement looks like it is shiny and new, like it is a step outside of the Matrix thinking – but in actuality it is the same ‘lack’ mindset (you lack something and must improve before you can have the things you want) that everyone else in the world is struggling under the weight of. The same ‘once your circumstances are better you will feel better’ mindset that everyone else is drowning in.
With this, you set out on all your well intentioned personal development tasks, only to realize sooner or later that even with all the work you have put in, all the discipline, all the white knuckling through your ‘bad’ habits, all the resisting who you are right now and pushing to become the person you think you need to be in order to have the life you want – you fail.
Over and over again you fail.
You fall off the diet.
You end up in deeper debt.
You stay stuck in the same shitty career no mater how many times you try to shift jobs.
Your relationships stay sterile and drama filled.
You never get there, and each time you build in the habits you are supposed to build in that will supposedly lead you to getting rid of these old bad habits so your bright, shiny new self can emerge, you fall harder when you fall of the wagon.
Rather than realizing it is the system of self-improvement that is failing you – you think it is your weak will, your flaws, your lack of ‘fill in the blank’ that is to blame.
It is time to come face to face with the idea that operating from the same thinking that caused you to feel how you feel – that caused you to live this life where you perceive so much lack – is not going to be the solution.
You are not going to get yourself into a place where you feel happy, joyful, abundant, vibrant, balanced, peaceful and all the other amazing things you want to feel (you know, what you think all the success and power and influence is going to get you) – through striving to change your fallen internal reality, so that you can see a shift in your external reality.
Just take a moment to realize that self-improvement is not really a step above what the masses are doing. It is the same exact mindset, just applied to your inner world rather than your outer world. You are no longer buying the sports car to try to make yourself feel better, you are waking up and setting 1000 goals for yourself and beating yourself up every time you eat a doughnut instead. You are still believing you are fundamentally flawed, which is what is coloring your experience of your life. Just like everyone else.
It is never going to work. It has not worked yet, because it is not going to work.
Even if you do manage to get results with this kind of work – you may be one of the few who posses a freakish willpower that when taught these self improvement tricks you are able to keep your demons at bay for long enough to get some real external success – you will find that when you reach the peak of all that success – you still feel empty inside. You still don’t feel like you have ‘made’ it. You still feel like you are lacking something.
The ghosts of your past have followed you all the way to your millionaire status. Into your new, sexy relationships. Into the booming business or the slammin’ bod.
Because the truth is, it was never anything in your internal or external world that was missing that was making you so miserable.
It always was, and always will be that there were wounded aspects of yourself that needed your love that were making you miserable.
It always was and always will be that you simply needed to learn to truly, fully and completely accept who and what you TRULY are, meaning you needed to go on a self discovery mission to figure out all of the parts of you that were repressed, and all the parts of you that were misrepresented by being shamed, so that you could fully express in this world.
You will come to realize that the radical self love path – the one where you look at ALL of you as God, and reconcile all the pain, shame and drama with understanding and compassion, that when you are able to show up in this world in authenticity because you know you are whole and perfect – that is when you will be satisfied. You will see that when you are able to sit comfortably in your skin, in whatever circumstances life has designed for you and your growth rather than needing life to look a certain way, and you are able to comfortably make empowered choices for yourself, you will feel the satisfaction and peace of your inner being.
When you finally realize that there was never anything wrong with you, that there was only ever a deep misunderstanding where you lost sight of who you are, and your connection to the infinite supply of love that exists in the Universe, THEN you will know the feeling of freedom that you are longing for right now.
Once you realize it is all about integrating those wounded aspects through love, compassion and the desire to understand, the self-improvement path will look silly to you.
It is all about radical self-love. Loving all of you. Trying to fix nothing, and assuming everything that is there is supposed to be there. It is all about realizing that you are whole, and just need the salve of love to be able to express that wholeness. It is all about the realization that when you fully love and accept you, you don’t need anything from the outside world to feel ok.
Then you are free.
So, What Does This Mean, Practically?
What this is all meant to point out is that the Self-improvement path never becomes the self love path.
They are two different paths that never intersect.
So if you are doing your work from a place of lack, if you are moving from a place of ‘I am not good enough as I am, but if I just keep doing this stuff maybe one day I will become good enough’ you are ALWAYS and forever going to feel lacking.
You will never ‘get there.’ You will never arrive. You will never wake up and think ‘yes! It worked! I am awesome now!’
This is because it is vibrationally impossible for this to happen. You know from two posts ago that this is not possible. Remember the radio station you are tuned to is the one you will stay on until you change your frequency.
So if you are on the frequency of ‘I am not enough’, no matter what you do from that place, no matter how dedicated you are to your self-improvement work, no matter how deeply you are working on yourself, you will always feel not enough.
You must shift to a space of KNOWING and FEELING that you are already good enough, just as you are, right now, and then move from THAT place.
The way you do this? There are a couple of things I suggest:
- The Ultimate Self Love Mediation: Keep practicing this, over and over. Bring all the parts of you into the light of your consciousness and love them. All the parts you hate. All the parts that cause you trouble. All the parts you think are broken or bad or wrong. Love them. Deeply. Look to understand them rather than get rid of them and watch how they transform.
- Sitting With Your Emotions: Rather than running from what you are feeling, allow yourself to delve into what you are feeling. Bring those emotions into your awareness, relax into them and allow yourself to get curious about what they are telling you – rather than assuming they mean there is something wrong with you. Let your emotions become a compass for you, and start seeing how they are not showing you how YOU are wrong, but rather are trying to guide you onto your best life path.
- Spend Time Visualizing: You know all those things you want? All that stuff you think is going to make you happy/fulfilled/joyful/peaceful/acceptable/lovable? Imagine having them. Not with the intention of ‘manifesting’ those things however. Allow yourself to get into the space of seeing yourself with the dream life you imagine you need to feel how you want to feel, then notice how you FEEL when you imagine having those things. Tune into those feelings deeply. Notice that it is THOSE FEELINGS that you want – and you just think you wont be able to feel them until you have the things. But low and behold – you feel them now in your imagining! Start to allow yourself to feel those desired feelings more and more often – and watch how you don’t need the stuff. Give yourself permission to feel how you want to feel NOW.
- Love The Resistance To The Feeling: When you do the above practices, you will notice that there is a lot of old vibrational frequency within you that wants to pull you back to those old familiar feelings. You will think things like “what’s the use? “This life is totally letting me down all the time.” “Look at all the evidence I have to support my terrible feelings.” – Know this is going to happen. You know what to do with all of that – you have those tools – bring them into your loving awareness and really get to know why you stifle your own happiness. Then get on with feeling how you want to feel.
- Make The Positive Changes You Are Called To Make In Your Life: Once you have spent time loving your wounded aspects, once you have spent time getting to know what your negative emotions are trying to tell you and once you have practiced feeling how you want to feel, you are going to be inspired to make shifts in your life. You are going to notice where you have been holding yourself in unhealthy patterns and you are going to WANT to change. Start making moves towards a life that supports the love you are fostering in yourself. Notice that no self hate is needed to inspire positive change, and in fact moving from a place of ALREADY liking who you are, creates a much more enjoyable ride and a much more desirable outcome. You are no longer trying to ‘fix’ yourself, but rather are starting to create a life that aligns with the awesome you know yourself to be. Sounds better right?!
Love who you are and what you have been suppressing. Love your negative emotions and see them as guidance. Follow their guidance.
Lastly, Self Love Does Not Mean Stagnancy:
Finally, the biggest objection there is to the self love path is the misunderstanding that to love yourself means to allow yourself to stay exactly as you are, right here right now.
This could not be farther from the truth.
In reality, when you are on the self-improvement path, you are moving from a place of lack/fear. We know that when we are in a state of fear, change, growth and evolution are not possible. Take a look at your own life – as long as you have been trying to fix yourself, has life really shifted all that much for you? You may have been able to change some external circumstances, but tune into your emotional/mental experience of life. Do you feel radically different, more free, light and happy now than you did 5 years ago? 2 years ago? 1 month ago? If not, you’re stagnant now. You are having the same experience over and over again, and wondering why the path isn’t working.
The truth is, it is only from a state of love that true transformation can take place.
When you love yourself deeply, you are not really ‘changing’ so much as allowing yourself to live out your highest, most joyful potential. You are not ‘fixing’ anything that is wrong with you, but rather allowing yourself to integrate your experiences so that they can enrich your life rather than hold you back. You are allowing yourself to express anything that has been repressed in you, which ultimately leads to more expansion, more opportunity, more LIFE. You are allowing yourself to make changes to your life that actually lead to a more prosperous experience.
It may sound like magic, but it really isn’t at all. It is just frequency.
When you love you, you will be changing all the time. Growing all the time. Learning all the time. Not because you lack something, but because that is the nature of life itself. It is only when you hate you and are hell bent on fixing you that you go into fear and repeat the same experiences over and over.
The only way to create lasting, positive ‘change’ (I prefer alignment) in your life, is to love who you are NOW.
Then, you will have the keys to the Kingdom.