Hello My Precious One! (Not said in the tone of Golem, just an FYI)
Today I want to bring to you part one in my two part series focusing on the true reality of the ‘victim’ state, mostly because I feel that so many of us throw this term around without really recognizing what it is or why we would want to move out of it.
The truth is, on earth right now, we have made a kind of ritual out of being in the victim state. We have inadvertently created a culture around being a victim that actually supports us staying victims more than it encourages us to grow up and out of the victim state.
The reason we have done this is innocent enough – we are not seeing the consequences of remaining victims to it’s fullest extent, and we are getting a facsimile of love, attention, care and a certain amount of being ‘let off the hook’ by remaining victims.
What we currently believe about the victim state – for most of us in a very unconscious way – is that if we stay victim, meaning if we stay feeling like our lives are happening to us and therefore not our fault, that we are protecting ourselves from responsibility.
We as a society mostly feel powerless in our lives. We feel like we know what we want and what we don’t want and that life is somehow rigged to ‘bless’ some with what they want and to curse others with withholding.
We feel like ‘bad’ things can happen, and that we have no control over these happenings.
Due to the fact that generally speaking, we are not seeing that in truth everything that happens to us is happening to show us something about ourselves and the reality that we did not know before, in order that we may become more powerful creators, we feel lost and like life is out of control.
In our victim state, we are not seeing how our actions and behaviors are creating the reality we are living because we are not clear on cause and effect and thus we fall in to superstition that tells us that either EVERYTHING that happens to us was a ‘manifestation’ (ie. punishment we don’t understand) or the EVERYTHING is just a fluke – that some are blessed with good lives and others have hard ones for no discernible reason.
When hard or challenging things come up, when we face not getting what we wanted or things going in a way we didn’t expect them to go, our default is to believe that something has gone ‘wrong’ because that is truly the only cognitive option we have at our current level of consciousness.
You see, it takes a great deal more awareness to be able to learn from life and change our perceptions, actions and behaviors based on that new information. It is much easier to say ‘oh, that just shouldn’t have happened.’ We want to hold onto the idea that things can go wrong, first and foremost because it takes any responsibility away from us. If we were to start opening to the idea that everything that happens is there to teach us something – therefore if something occurs that is hard, challenging or unexpected – what this really means is that we must then admit that we didn’t know something. We were incorrect about how the reality worked, and so what we attempted to do or create did not pan out how we thought it would. This would also mean that in any painful state, we must then admit to ourselves that we don’t have to suffer because of anything – that pain can and does occur but again that if we are SUFFERING the truth is that WE are now prolonging that pain by not learning and changing. The initial pain was the place where expectation did not meet reality – where the new information was being presented to us – the suffering occurs when we refuse to take that information and change OURSELVES so that life can be more harmonious for us, and instead hold onto our own ideas of how life SHOULD be and thus continue to be met with unmet expectation and disappointment/pain.
This all requires taking responsibility for your own lack of awareness, your own role in creating your pain and suffering, and your owning that fact that you – not reality – are going to have to change if you want to stop suffering.
Again, the victim state is a state where we are saying ‘I don’t know why this horrible thing is happening to me, but I don’t deserve it and it should stop.’ In this place we are skirting around any idea that we may be playing a role in our own suffering, and thus could play a role in changing our own suffering.
We stay in victim mode, mostly so that we don’t have to face that we are ‘wrong’ (meaning simply not seeing something how it truly is) about something in the reality, and so that we don’t have to do the work required to change ourselves and our perceptions so that we can be in alignment with the life we say we want.
The victim state is essentially the childlike state of believing we should get what we want because we want it, without having to do anything other than what we are doing now. It is saying we are right about how things work, and the reality is wrong. It is saying we don’t need to take responsibility for our own lives, because life ‘happens to us’ and there is nothing we can do.
We feel like we are protecting ourselves from responsibility in the victim state. We feel that by staying ignorant to the cause of our pain and suffering, this abdicates us of the expectation to change. Therefore life should change for us!
Without the shift from ‘why me?’ or ‘how do I make this stop?’ to ‘What’s going on here?’ ‘What is there for me to learn here?’ ‘What am I not seeing?’ ‘What am I trying to show myself here?’ ‘life will continue to feel like a battle ground.
Meaning simply this; without a stiff shot of good ol’ fashioned humility, we will be stuck feeling out of control in our own lives forever.
The Sneaky Truth About the Victim State
You see, when we are judging life as wrong, when we are in victim-mode, when we are holding onto fear. i.e. LACK of information and the blocking of taking in new information because things didn’t go how we thought they would.
What we are actually doing is putting ourselves ABOVE reality.
We are being incredibly presumptuous. We are being—for lack of a better word—incredibly prideful and conceited. Victim-mode is not where we are genuinely putting ourselves down, it is where we have raised ourselves to a level that we assume and expect that life should always go how WE think it should and when it doesn’t, we decide REALITY is wrong. LIFE is wrong. We are right and everything that doesn’t go our way is the thing that needs to change.
You see how sneaky this is? Most truly believe that those who are in victim-mode are humble, less than, innocently being taken advantage of by life and others and they are humble and worthy of pity. We are not seeing the whole situation for how it is. In order to be a victim, you HAVE to be rejecting reality. You have to be assuming that the way you see things is the truth and that anything outside of that is wrong. You have to be in a state of believing fully that you are right on all levels.
A victim is anything but humble.
A victim is someone who believes that they determine what is right and what is wrong, that they are in charge of what they should go through and what they shouldn’t, that they get to decide how reality works and that they are somehow above having to learn anything new or, heaven forbid, CHANGE THEMSELVES or their PERCEPTION rather than expecting the world to change to match their expectation.
A victim is really a prideful person expressing their pride in the opposite shadow of a more ‘narcissistic’ personality. They are using false humility to disguise their deeply rooted belief that they don’t have to change or learn and that everything else in life is wrong compared to their rightness. They are expecting the world to change to match what they want.
A victim is someone who is claiming that it is their PAIN that makes them SPECIAL and UNIQUE. That what they have been through, their traumatic experiences, is the essence of who they are and without carrying that pain around, they would have no way of defining themselves.
To be in a victim state is to say that what happened to me defines me.
I am nothing without this pain and suffering story. In many ways the victim is innocently and unconsciously avoiding true self discovery by holding onto the idea that their pain is who they are.
A victim is someone who says that what I have been through is a good reason not to discover myself, not to rise, not to become stronger or someone who has something of true, hard won value to offer this world. To be in a victim state is to truly say ‘my traumas were worse than anyone else who integrated their traumas. Others may be able to take what they have been through and turn it into strength and power, but I cannot because mine was worse/I am less capable.’
Does This Mean We Should Ignore Our Pain?
Now to be clear here, I am NOT at ALL saying that one who is in a victim state should simply ‘sit down and shut up’ with regards to their pain and suffering. I am not saying that anyone who is in a victim state does not have legitimate reasons to feel how they feel. We have all been traumatized and that trauma IS and WAS real. The emotional pain that follows is and was real. This is not about swinging wildly the other way, claiming that your wants, needs, emotions, thoughts and feelings don’t matter and you are simply here to serve the whole and forget about yourself. That again is just the other side of what is essentially a delusional pancake.
The truth, the centre point here, is to realize that this victim state first and foremost is not working for you. There has to be a recognition that while there are certain perks to the victim state—often times people will coddle you, not ask you to face difficult emotions or situations, you will be treated like you are delicate and may even be exempt from having to do certain things because people don’t want to challenge you— the truth is, no one is actually avoiding the consequences of their actions. No one is truly being given work to do around being out of alignment with reality.
When we are in the victim state, we THINK we are giving ourselves an out.
The constant denial and rejection of reality leads us to a place where we can totally convince ourselves of things that are not at all happening.
We think through the constant manipulation of ourselves, the constant manipulation of our environment, the constant manipulation of the people in our lives, the constant plea of ‘don’t make me, I am too wounded’, the constant Crazy 8 Cycles, through the avoidance of our responsibility and the perpetual adherence to the idea that we are not the cause of our lives and that it is all just happening to us, that we are truly helping ourselves.
With this mindset, we perceive the pain in our lives as being caused by circumstances and those around us. It truly seems that if other people could just act right, if circumstances could just go how you wanted them to, if you could just get what you want and not have to do the work required to get it, that you would be happy and everything would be fine. There is a constant feeling that things are being ‘withheld’. That no matter how much one begs, how ‘good’ one behaves, how much one manipulates, there is always a trick, there is always another hoop to jump thought. That for whatever reason, the reality and those in one’s life are just cruel and refuse to give what is desired for reasons that are just out of one’s capacity to understand.
We must understand that ALL of this is totally innocent. Because at it’s core, the victim state and all that goes along with it is a symptom of one deep, dark, core foundational false belief which is:
I am powerless and I don’t have the capacity to understand life or create what I want.
With this lack of trust in self, the victim state becomes the only option. We elevate ourselves above reality and set ourselves apart because we feel that is the only way to perhaps one day get a life we can be happy with. To assume we are special and different and THAT is why we will be blessed with what we want at some point. That we will suffer long enough, and then one day be rewarded for enduring all that suffering.
Because of this, when one is in a victim state, they will always be on the lookout for outside approval and validation. They will constantly need someone to tell them how good they are doing, how hard they are working, looking ever for the validation that they are doing everything right and none of the pain in their current life is their fault. They will feel incredibly insulted if anyone says that they are not working as hard as they think they are or that the work they are doing is not the work they think they are doing. They will feel like it is ‘their’ fault for saying that, that they feel bad, rather than realizing the reason their words stung is because they are true. The victim, in all their attempts to avoid reality are truly only avoiding themselves. And in that, they are avoiding any power they have. This is the trick of the victim state. It causes one to completely project everything onto the outside world, because to look in would be to completely flip the script.
The victim does not understand that it is the reality that shows you reality. That no one is outside of reality and no one gets a free pass to have the structure of reality bend to their personal will. Everyone needs to learn how the actual reality works. The victim will feel like they are working hard and that things are being withheld, because the truth is, they ARE working hard, but in a way that has no effect on the truth. They are not seeing that their interpretation of reality and actual reality are different and that reality isn’t changing to match their expectation. They are not seeing that the reason it feels like life is constantly ‘against’ them, is truly because THEY are against LIFE.
Next week I am going to share a metaphorical representation of the victim state with you as a way of demonstrating how this all plays out.
For now, let’s all realize that the victim state is innocent and not wrong. It is simply disempowering and untrue. We have so much more power than we are giving ourselves credit for in the victim state, and THAT is why we would want to move beyond it.
Because beyond the victim state, is the reality where you can create what you want!