Monday Musings ~ Commitment Is The Key To Transformation Step Three: It Is Never Their Job To Change For You

Alright alright alright! (Said in a Matthew McConaughey accent, if you like)

Now things are about to get JUICY around here!

If you have not already done so, have a look at The Intro, Part One and Part Two of this post before making your way though this section. Background Intel is essential for this next phase!

So, What Is The Deal With The People In Your Life?

Now that you have taken the time to slooooooooow down, become more aware, and have refrained from acting on any of your initial self improvement impulses, you are probably starting to notice the people in your life more than you ever have.

Perhaps you are noticing how much the people in your life...sorta, kinda, I don't know... DRIVE YOU NUTS!?!?

Before you started to amp up your awareness practices, you were most likely aware that those in your life bothered you. You had irritations and frustrations, maybe even full on hatred - but now that you are taking time be still and silent, the voices that tell you that everyone around you is completely insane and the reason you can't be happy or peaceful are louder than ever.

On the flip side, you could be experiencing a deep aching loneliness that you have been either consciously or unconsciously running from for a long time. The feeling that you are utterly alone becomes the loudest thing in your awareness when you get really still and quiet. You feel that you do not have the person(s) in your life that you need in order to be happy and fulfilled.

Perhaps you feel a mixture of these two things - like the people you do have in your life are irritating and holding you back, and that the lovely people you long for that will make your life awesome seem to be absent.

Any of the following ring a bell?

Maybe you are starting to feel like your significant other is stifling your progress.

Maybe you feel like your parents are too controlling or don't love you properly.

Maybe you feel like your co-workers and bosses don't know what they are talking about.

Perhaps you feel like your friends don't get you. Like they are on a kind of different path and you long for friends that are more in alignment with you and your values.

Maybe you feel like the people in your life are too critical of you. Too lazy. Too materialistic. Too annoying. Interested in things you don't value.

Perhaps you feel totally isolated and alone. Like you are the only one going through what you are going through. Like this whole world is completely filled with strangers.

This is totally normal.

Projection Without Realizing

On this little trip we call life, we have forgotten some fundamental things about ourselves, and our relation to things around us.

We have forgotten that we are living in a state of constant mirroring.

That our reality is simply a continual reminder of how close or how far we are to alignment with Ultimate Truth, Natural Law, God Consciousness or whatever other term serves your understanding best.

What you have here on Earth, is a situation in which what you think, feel and believe about yourself and your world is being reflected back to you through your EMOTIONAL experience of your reality.

These emotions come from your PERCEPTIONS of reality, with the intention of giving you the opportunity to develop self-awareness.

These emotional experiences are there to help you come closer and closer into alignment with Truth.

When your perception leads to suffering, the point of suffering to is to alert you to the fact that you have strayed from Truth.

When you are far from reality, you suffer. You have wild emotional swings. You believe that your feeling what you feel is based on what you are getting/not getting from life. They are unstable, unpredictable and often times feels totally out of control.

Life In Alignment With What Is:

When you are in alignment with reality, the emotional experience is one of non-causal peace and joy.

You can be at a funeral or in a meadow, and the UNDERLYING sensation is one of peace and contentment with what is.

You can have the experience of the human emotional rollercoaster still, but you will no longer see it as the be-all-end-all.

You will have the awareness that life is simply growing and expanding you, and you will trust that and enjoy it.

There will be no more fear of losing yourself, losing love or not getting what you want. Life will no longer be a perpetual rat race to escape pain and procure pleasure.

Rather it will be a continual unfolding that draws you to deeper understanding, awareness and range of experience.

This state is available to all, and the holographic reality is there to provide the environment for this state to arise within us.

All you have to do is systematically release and relax your resistance to your reality, and these new experiences will naturally arise.

When you believe that something that is happening should not be, or that something that is not happening should be - you are at odds with reality. When you feel powerless to make a shift in you reality, or when you feel that how you feel is DEPENDANT on the external reality, you suffer. It is possible go to through 'painful' experiences - like illness, loss of a loved one etc. without suffering. You can be at one with the situation, allow yourself to feel the emotions, and then integrate that circumstance into a broader and greater recognition of life and all its elements.


You can resist it, pretend it is not happening, deny it, argue with the universe that it should not be happening. You can drive yourself nuts with the belief that something is 'missing' from your life, that things should be a whole other way - and thus get yourself into a serious state of suffering.

Life Is A School, Meaning Lessons Are Repeated Until Learned

Rather than allowing yourself to relax and release into what is, so that you can learn from it and move forward, you most likely generally resist reality, believe it is wrong, and thus get yourself into a situation where you must repeat you circumstances over and over again.

The reason for this repetition is not to punish you - it is because this life is like a school.

What you are being presented with as you project onto your holographic reality, is exactly where you are on your spiritual/consciousness journey.

You project your current state out onto the mirror, and it reflects back to you where you are, in an attempt to help you keep moving. Remember, reality and Truth is there to serve your expansion in every moment - they are also consistent. Reality is always what reality is. It does not change based on your beliefs. It is what it is exactly for the purpose of helping you grow. When you live fully in alignment with reality, you are fully supported, carried and led on your path of expansion and awareness. Naturally. No pushing or forcing required. When you resist your reality, this is when stagnation happens.

Whenever anything you project onto the reality causes suffering, this is the next thing in line to be processed, integrated and received so that you can continue on in your evolution. That suffering alerts you to where you have forgotten who and what you are, who and what reality is, and is there to guide you back to Truth.

When you resist what is arising for you in this moment, it is like resisting grade one, because you want to be in grade two. The teachers cannot let you pass onto grade two before you complete grade one - otherwise you will be unprepared. This is exactly how your reality works. It is 100% chronological. Each event and circumstance in your life is there to offer you information. To teach you something. Each thing leads to the next, to the next, and to the next. So if you resist this, you will not have the information to fully embrace the next thing. So you stay here, until you 'get it,' so to speak.

So in a sense there are two realities going on simultaneously - there is the TRUE reality, which is fully in alignment with natural law, with evolution of consciousness and with the Divine, and there is YOUR projection onto that reality. The greater the difference between your projection and the actual reality, the more suffering you will have in your life.

You project your false reality onto The reality, experience contrast, and this is meant to guide you back to Truth.

When You Try To Change The Reality Rather Than your Perception

Unfortunately, rather than realizing you are projecting onto your reality, what usually happens is you perceive the reality to be wrong, and so you go about trying to change it. You blame it for being why you feel how you feel. You feel victimized by it. You feel powerless against it. You think you need to conquer, overcome and hack it. You go to battle with it. You fully believe that the changes that need to take place are in the external, rather than realizing that it is the external that is Reality, and it is your INNER world that needs to re-align itself to the Truth.

No-where does this happen more than in relationships.

Relationships Are Your Biggest Mirror – If You Let Them Be

You see, you have this little tendency to PROJECT you thoughts, feelings and emotions about yourself and your resistance to life onto those around you. You do this without realizing you are doing it. You do this so effectively and efficiently that you genuinely believe that you are NOT projecting, that you are seeing the 'other' person, as well as yourself clearly, and that you are making perfectly logical assumptions about the situation from those observations.

You genuinely believe that it is your spouse treating you badly that needs to change. That your boss needs to relax. That your friends need to upgrade their consciousness. That your parents need to stop pestering you. If they would just change, you could be happy and free. Simple.

The truth is actually this - you cannot be Ok with those around you, because you are seeing in them all that you are not OK with OR all that you are not expressing or exercising within yourself.

Literally every single relationship you have is reflecting something back to you that you need to learn in order to be happy, healthy and at peace in this world.

There is nothing 'wrong' with 'them.' There is nothing 'wrong' with you either.

Relationships are simply a medium where we get to catch a glimpse into our triggers, our unhealed wounds, our perceptions and perspectives of life - so that we can move closer into harmony with life. The purpose of all your relationships is to reflect back to you where you are on your path, and to give you the opportunity to keep moving forward.

Does this mean you are meant to stay in all your shitty relationships? That you should never expect to be treated with love and respect, but rather should continually be in a state of internalizing how you are being treated and 'accepting' it? Does this mean that there is never a time where you need to assert yourself and ask someone around you to change?

Of course not.

Not at all.

Just not so fast.

You see, with this whole idea that we project ourselves onto our reality without realizing we are doing it, we essentially DISEMPOWER ourselves.

In this disempowered state, we blame and shame those we are in relationship with, being upset with the way they behave as being the reason for why we cannot be happy, or we submit ourselves to less than fair treatment without feeling that we have the will or the power to leave abusive situations or to amend them.

With this, we fall into manipulative habits, we don't take time to honestly reflect on how we are feeling and WHY what the people in our lives are doing bother us, we do not communicate with ownership for our part in any kind of dysfunction or imbalance, or we over compensate and take on WAY too much responsibility, thus creating a situation where we accept abuse and never learn to value ourselves.

This is called co-dependency. When you feel any kind of disempowering emotion within a relationship OR that you must change the person you are relating to, it is because you are accepting a co-dependent view of that relationship and yourself within it. You are handing your power away and thus making yourself feel terrible.

You give all your power away to the people you are in relationships with when you blame them for your unhappiness. When you expect them to fulfill you. When you believe that they are the cause of anything that is occurring within you. When you need them to change in order for you to be OK.

I know, tough pill to swallow.

So, how do you apply this information in a healthy way?

1. Take Time Out To Really Consider WHY The People In Your Life Bother You: You being triggered by someone is first and foremost about YOU. Not them. You MUST take the time to figure out where the trigger is coming from, BEFORE you start to ‘deal’ with it in the context of your relations. Commit yourself to one week of truly observing how you react and respond to those in your life, by noticing your knee jerk reactions to their behaviour and setting a boundary that you will not blame or shame or project - instead you will take the discomfort you feel in your relationships and use them as catalysts for self exploration. Look at all the things your wife, your boss, your spouse, your friends, your children do that irritate you - and go sit with that irritation for a while. Really dig into what it is bringing up for YOU. Does their behavior remind you of a parent? Does it bring back memories of being disempowered as a child? Do these people make you 'feel' a certain way about yourself? If so, could it be that you already felt that way about yourself? Where are you projecting your inability to accept yourself onto your relationships? If they were NEVER to change, never stop this behavior, how would that make you feel? Why? Really dig into the roots of your irritation, and see where it is stemming from within you.

2. If I Fully Loved Myself, Then What? After you have taken some time to really look into where your triggers are leading you, you will have deeper clarity on what is your stuff that needs to be worked out internally, and what stuff can start to be addressed within the context of the relationship. Remember this is not about 100% ownership of everything on you now. Relationships are a continual balance and exchange. Be very clear on what is really going on with you, where you are projecting and placing blame. Then, when looking at behaviors in your partner ask yourself "If I fully loved, respected and honored myself, if I did not need anything, if I were not afraid of losing anything, if I were completely secure in myself and in my life, how would I perceive this behavior?"  This is a really important and powerful question to ask yourself. Really look at where your insecurities lie, where your perceived senses of lack is and where you feel like you need this other person to be/do things for you is coming from. This will give you much better context as to why you are triggered the way you are.

3. See If You Can See It From Their Point Of View: Next, see if you can allow yourself to take down any defences you have against what you perceive to be unacceptable behaviour, and put yourself in the shoes of the person you are relating to. Can you more deeply dig into why they are doing what they are doing? What they are feeling? What they are experiencing? What their perspective and vantage point is? Where their consciousness level is at? Can you sit down with them and without blaming or projecting simply inquire into their motivations, thinking, reasoning and feelings? What you are essentially doing here, is stepping out of how this behavior is affecting you, and more looking at it from a non-judgmental point. You are bringing yourself into a state where you can more deeply understand the person you are relating too – why they may be doing what they are doing, so that you can better understand THEM. This is KEY. From this objective place, you can be compassionate with those you are relating too, as well as with yourself. You will have an easier time figuring out how to end abusive behaviors, how to tackle touchy subjects, and how to come to amicable agreements, when you are not feeling so triggered, and when you can see things from their point of view, rather than just your own. You do this by making yourself feel safe first and foremost, then taking a good look at them through their eyes.

4. Start Practicing Honest Communication: Once you have taken responsibility within yourself for the things that really are your stuff, once you have come to terms with what you feel is aligned with your highest level of self love and self respect, and once you have had a chance to take down any defences and see things from ‘their’ point of view, you can start to communicate with those you are in relationship with more honestly and openly. Rather than blaming or attacking them for their behavior and how it 'makes you feel' - you can start to open up an honest dialog with those in your life. You will have the capacity to hold space to hear THEIR thoughts, to hear their perspective, so that you can come to a mutual understanding of one another - rather than being on the defensive and simply being there to win or be heard. Notice that this other person also has thoughts, feelings and emotions that they may be confused about, and realize that talking things out is a container for exploration - not for getting a point across. When you relax your need to be 'right' and instead look to find understanding, magic can happen. In this case, you can better dissect if a relationship is going to be able to healthfully move forward – if the person you are relating too is willing to make shifts that need to be made, or if you are willing to make shifts that need to be made. Here you may discover that the person you are relating too is too wounded to be a safe place for you – and that is something that you will then have empowerment about. Other times you will realize that it was just an opportunity for mutual growth. Either way, you win by not being defensive. You may learn that you have been sabotaging yourself by staying in a relationship that is abusive to you, and you will have more clarity on that after these explorations. Putting yourself in the shoes of another is not meant to be something that JUSTIFIES their behavior – it just makes it so that you can better UNDERSTAND it, and then make the best choice you can from that new understanding. That best choice is not always to stay and work on it.

5. Keep Doing All Of The Above: Keep loving yourself. Keep taking down your defenses. Keep being honest with yourself about what is and what is not self-loving and therefor loving for everyone. This will most likely require that you change dynamics that are not working, and that can be uncomfortable and met with resistance. Be ok with that. Be ok with change and asserting yourself and being more compassionate and understanding. Make your goal to UNDERSTAND rather than to win, and see how this shifts your actions, reactions and ultimately every relationship you have.

The more harmonious we become with ourselves - the more we learn about our own triggers and wounding that are our responsibility, and the more we learn about where we can take some more power back with boundaries - the better our relationships will be.

Our relationships are a mirror for our inner world. They are rich sources of information to explore. Take all of your relationship issues as tools for personal awakening and realization, and you will see that they are ripe in transformative power.

See you next week for Step Four!