You Can’t Fix A Problem That Doesn’t Exist

Hello Lovely!

If you haven't done so already, please read part one of this post here.


Self Help Is Built On A Flawed Premise:

The reason is - self help/self improvement/spirituality that’s based on the idea that there’s something FLAWED in you that needs to be FIXED and then you will be happy is based on a flawed premises.

This isn’t reality.

It’s offering you a ‘solution’ to a problem that doesn’t exist.

It’s not offering you the solution to the problem that does exist.

Thus, it can’t ever work.

Because the REALITY is - there’s nothing wrong with you.

There’s nothing ‘flawed’ about your behavior. 

Your coping, self sabotaging and scapegoating behaviors are born out of adaptation.

They are all tools you are currently using to get your NEEDS MET in the BEST way you know how/to COPE with the pain of your life that you have no other way of dealing with right now. 

None of these behaviors are BAD - they are in fact the behaviors that will lead you to understanding what you need - when you make it SAFE to engage in them, and rather than judging them, really asking ‘how is this behavior helping me?’ From there you will be more empowered to find ways of meeting your needs that are more harmonious with life. You won’t ever ‘get rid of’ a coping/self sabotaging/addictive behaviour - you will REPLACE them with new ways of meeting the needs that are currently being met through those behaviors. 

You will never ‘get rid of’ a way you are COPING with pain - you will discover the pain you’re trying to cope with, and learn how you can change your life so as to support yourself in not being in that pain anymore. Rather than seeing your coping as ‘bad’ you can look to it again as something that’s HELPING you right now. From this vantage point you will find much more clarity into yourself and your truth.

The person you’re trying to become may or may not be authentic to you - but so long as there’s challenge and struggle, this means there’s something for us to LEARN about ourselves. 

There May Be GROWTH Required, But Not FIXING:

There may be conditioning in your NERVOUS SYSTEM that needs to be loved safe. It may be that you can’t step into who you know yourself to be because to be that in your childhood meant rejection, shame and abandonment - all things that got wired into your nervous system as an existential threat. Meaning you’re not going to ‘positive think’ or ‘push’ yourself into being this person.

You’re going to nurture that little one inside of you that feels like you’re going to DIE if you become this person, until they feel safe enough to start to express, take the risk of rejection, and see that you DON’T die. to allow you to step into being who you want to be without your body taking control to stop you in an attempt to keep you SAFE from the threat is perceived in your childhood. 

There may be conditioning about who you’re ‘supposed’ to be that isn’t authentic to your true nature - and thus no matter how hard you try to force yourself to ‘become’ you will ALWAYS rebel from being this person, because this person isn’t who you are.

This will again require LOTS of self love, compassion and patience as you process through the trauma and fear of realizing you aren’t who you thought you were, you aren’t who you have been conditioned you NEED to be in order to be love, accepted and safe. It’s going to take a lot of practice holding yourself, allowing for your old ideas of who you are to be released, sitting in the unknown for a while, then slowly letting your true self blossom - in the face of all the fear that will come with that. The deep, nervous system fear.

The pain you have isn’t your fault and how you’re coping with it is the best you know to do right now.

This world we live in has MANY systems that are functionally harmful to the human being.

Our ‘normal’ way of life causes a LOT of harm.

The assumed way we live - if you’re not able to ‘fit into normal’ it’s not because you’re flawed. It’s due to the fact that the systems of normal you’re trying to fit into DON’T serve your GROWTH. We were all born in to socioeconomic, physical, familial and lineage systems that have their traumas, misunderstandings, abuses and exploitive patterns. With this, we are going to come to realize that we don’t always have the power to shift the systems that are hurting us. We aren’t always going to be able to change our bodies. Our family patterns. The society we live in.

BUT we can stop blaming ourselves for how we have been RESPONDING to the pain of these systems.

We can stop looking at ourselves as the source of our own pain - thinking we simply arrived in adulthood, decided to be self destructive for no reason, and could be living a happy, healthy productive life and simply AREN’T.

This is never reality.

None of us arrive in adulthood fully aware, fully knowing what we need, fully knowing how to support ourselves and none of us were born into a world that supports humans growing and living naturally.

To lesser and greater degrees we’ve all been forced to live in ways that don’t work for us - and we are ADAPTING to that. We are doing our best to survive, to get our needs met, to, consciously or unconsciously, GROW to the best of our ability within the environment we were raised in. With true self inquiry we will work THROUGH what we need, where we have power to change things, where we need to stop blaming ourselves for things that aren’t our fault, where we need to grief and mourn, where we need to get angry, where we need to request change - and so on.

There’s nothing WRONG with you - and thus if you keep looking for the thing that’s wrong with you, hoping that you will ‘fix’ your life via doing so - you will forever be stuck.

Because the problem you’re assuming you have isn’t your problem.

You're responding and adapting. Doing the best you can with what you know about yourself in the world you were born into.

THAT is the source of all of your behaviors, feelings and thoughts.

You LEARNED how to be this way. It’s the best you had at the time.


True Self Inquiry Will Lead To EXPANSION and COMPASSION:

The true self inquiry path will lead you, slowly but surly, towards more and more self awareness that will give you more and more power to create a life that WORKS for the being that you ARE.

You’re not going to change yourself fundamentally. You’re going to discover your needs, preferences, gifts, weaknesses and specificity, and then you’re going to work one step at a time to build systems of living that serve to SUPPORT that expression. Your growth. Your expansion.

THAT is the path to true freedom. Knowing you can always look at your pain, your behaviors, your thoughts and feelings as MESSENGERS alerting you to something about yourself and reality that you need to know, in order to live in harmony.

That’s all pain is - a messenger that we are living in a way that causes destruction rather than growth. We learned that. We never learned how to identify what we need for growth.

THAT is the true ‘problem’ if you want to think of it that way.

So if the real problem is that we aren’t being supported in our growth via not having self awareness/being indoctrinated into culture that doesn’t support growth - what good does looking for what’s wrong with US do?

It’s like taking an anti-parasite medication when your issue is a yeast infection.

You can take that medicine all you want, it’s never going to make you feel better.

Because it isn’t addressing the problem.

This is why I feel so many of us are so DRAWN to these things that objectively don’t work. Why so many of us take all the programs, go to all the ceremonies, take all the plant medicines, work with the practitioners, do the things, chasing, chasing chasing - only to continually find ourselves back where we started.

We get triggered. We get hopeful. We search for a problem that doesn’t exist. We ‘fall’ back into our old ways - because those are how we are SURVIVING right now. They are how we meet the needs we know no other way to meet. They are how we learned to adapt to fit in. They are how we are keeping ourselves safe. 

True self inquiry will help us first see the innocence in all that we are and all that we do. We will start to see WHY we have the patterns and behaviors we do - why we developed our current way of being, how it served us, why it was important.

We will start to recon with all the things we were told about ourselves and reality that aren’t true.

We will start to face the harmful things in SOCIETY that are not our fault. The lineage trauma. The things we’ve been raised to believe are ‘normal’ but that HURT.

We will start to see that we’ve never been broken. Never been self sabotaging. Never addicted - not really. We’ve been coping, surviving and adapting. We’ve been doing our best.

From there we will learn new ways of being.


With lots and lots of gentleness for our nervous systems that will be freaking out at the change. That will be perceiving a loss of familiarity and seeing that as threatening. We will lose consensus approval and that will be scary. We will slowly shift things. We will see where the harm is coming from OUTSIDE and where we now have power to CHANGE those things. We will see the patterns we learned, and we will slowly unlearn them, replacing them with new patterns.

No part of ourselves will be fixed in the process.

Simply the parts that have been rejected will get the approval they never got. The parts that have been wounded will be loved.

The parts that didn’t get to grow and remain in immaturity will finally get the support they needed.

We will discover where things are in our control and where they aren’t.

We will see that YES we can take responsibility AND we are a part of a collective - and we will work to do what we can to support BOTH of these things in changing for the better - changing to be more supportive.

We will see that the harmful systems we exist in exist from IGNORANCE.

Deep ignorance. And we will do what we can to bring light and awareness. So that there can be CHANGE.

We will see that problems are bigger than we wanted them to be - and that’s ok.

But we won’t fix ourselves.

We will understand ourselves, and learn how to meet our needs in new ways.

THIS is the medicine.

Again, we can keep taking the self help pill for as long as we want, and it won’t ever make us well - because we are not broken. The medicine is for a problem that doesn’t exist.

To discover yourself and to realize where you have power - THAT is the actual path.


Author perceptiontrainers

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