Our culture teaches us that rest is something we have to earn.
It teaches us that we are not worthy of rest because we exist, that rest is not a basic human need, that we should have to EARN our right to recovery and time when we are not expected to be ‘on’ and performing.
Our culture is one that tells us that our value comes in how much we are able to produce, offer and give, and then by extension of that we are judged based on the kinds of goods, services, products and experiences we can then ‘afford’ and show to the world as our trophies of success.
Many of us have a deep-seated feeling of guilt, shame, failure or like we’re doing something wrong when we take the time to rest. We feel like we’re missing something, missing out on something, that we’re lazy, broken or otherwise like we ‘should’ be able to be doing and being so much more than we are.
Many of us live lives where we are constantly cycling between going as hard as we can, being ‘on top of’ all the things we feel we should be doing - and periods of burnout, overwhelm and the feeling that we simply can’t keep up and feeling like our ability to hold onto what we need to be doing is simply not accessible.
Many of us believe that we really aren’t ‘doing that much’ in our lives, that we aren’t accomplishing that much, that we aren’t making real progress, that we don’t have anything to ‘show’ for ourselves that we think is legitimate or real - but at the same time feel like we’re chronically exhausted and lacking the capacity to live how we want to live and express how we want to express - and we feel guilty or like there’s something wrong with us that this is the case.
Then we blame ourselves for those periods of overwhelm - believing that it is a sign that we are broken and in need of some method of self help/improvement in order to ‘fix’ what’s broken about us.
Many of us have multiple coping mechanisms we use to get through our days - things that we then feel even MORE shame and guilt around like watching lots of T.V, over eating, numbing out with other substances and so on.
We find that we have patterns where we aren’t able to really get on top of or ahead of the patterns that we know aren’t the healthiest or most supportive - we can see them, we witness them, we know they’re there but no matter how hard we try to change, we find that life just keeps getting in the way and we aren’t able to actually shift in the ways we want to. We find ourselves rather in loops of trying to fix ourselves, change ourselves and really ‘work’ on ourselves - committing to programs or new ways of being - only to find that we constantly fall off track, have to restart, and feel like we just lack discipline.
We notice that we WANT to take better care of ourselves - we want to eat better or start a movement routine or a meditation practice and again, no matter how hard we try we can’t seem to make anything stick and we feel like we’re weak and lazy and lacking discipline.
Today, in this blog, I hope to show you how none of this is your fault, how you are not weak, lazy or broken and why learning to rest is actually the first step towards ‘fixing’ all of these other things that we think are ‘wrong’ with us.
I hope to show you how you are not failing by any stretch of the imagination, and that it is the foundational mindset of our culture that is causing most of the struggles you’re facing - as well as how you can start to get OUT of this mess and into something more supportive.
The Mindset Is The Root:
The biggest thing I hope to convey with this post is this - the mindset that we have in our culture around what is and isn’t enough, around what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable, around what we ‘should’ be doing, being and accomplishing and around what we define to be a successful life vs. a life where we aren’t good enough is the ROOT of the pain most of us are in.
The belief that we should be living a life in alignment with what culture tells us is enough is driving most of us into a state of constant stress, self hate, pain and suffering - and this is what needs to be addressed first and foremost.
You see, what our culture deems as ‘success’ is actually EXCESS.
The true reality of our culture is that we have a system where those who are at the top require that there are a huge swath of people under them who they can take advantage of for their own profit and gain.
We have a system where those at the top get to determine the cost of the goods we need, the wages that people get paid for their labor, the access that people have to goods and services, the access that people have to education and other resources to allow them to ‘move up’ in the world, the access people have to social systems of support and the access that people will have to basic safety and security. We don’t actually have a system where anyone and everyone can just ‘work harder’ and find success - rather we have a system where there are very real limits placed on certain groups of people in order that other groups of people can have more freedom, access and wealth.
It is through the exploitation of the working class via unfair wages, lack of social supports, lack of distribution of resources, antagonistic law-enforcement, for profit prison systems, lack of adequate education and access to opportunities and the hoarding of all that is left over BECAUSE of these methods of profit saving that lead to those who are the most wealthy being the most wealthy, and those who are struggling to be stuck in struggling usually despite their best efforts that causes the extreme wealth we see as ‘success’ in our world.
Rather than us seeing this and blaming the systems where the systems are to blame, we are instead trained to believe that those who are at the top deserve to be there. We are trained to believe that they worked hard, sacrificed and are ‘self made’ success stories - and that anyone who ISN’T experiencing that is simply lazy, broken, shameful or otherwise ‘not trying’ hard enough.
We are trained to blame the government for too much oversight or lack of regulation - when in reality it is the corporations that lobby for their own interests that are generally controlling how the government works and what laws are put into place - and who those laws benefit and harm.
We are trained to see any kind of social support through taxation as something that is going to HINDER our capacity to be well and safe - vs. seeing that even if we make less money, if that money is going towards social services that mean that all of us have access to food, shelter, healthcare and education - that we wouldn’t NEED to be individually wealthy to be WELL - which is really what being wealthy is all about. Right now wealth = access to what we NEED and in a system where there is actual social welfare, we wouldn’t NEED to be wealthy to have access - because we would have a more equitable system of distribution.
We aren’t trained to see that when someone puts in a full days work and doesn’t make a living wage that this isn’t because they are performing ‘low skill’ labor that doesn’t DESERVE to be fairly compensated - usually what we deem as ‘low skill’ are things like grocery store clerks, janitors, nurses, grounds-keepers and other ‘service’ staff that are deeply NEEDED in society - instead of realizing that we NEED these people and the corporations that are employing and not paying them adequate salaries are to blame.
We aren’t trained to see the greed that is involved with how our corporations over produce, and then market items to us that we absolutely don’t need, that destroy the environment, that lead to cycles of us consuming and throwing away because trends constantly change and because we are in a state of constant ‘not enough’ thinking and overwhelm that we HAVE to over consume in order to function.
We aren’t trained to see that the idea that we should be ‘selling’ every one of our passions, dreams and interests to the system in some way - looking for how to monetize what we love so that we ‘never have to work a day in our lives’ is an unbalanced way of doing things. Yes it’s great to love your work - but work should not be the THING we have that fulfills us, defines us or sets us up for security - this is a total misalignment of what actually supports us.
We aren’t trained to see work as a means to an end - having what we need so we can relax, enjoy one another, enjoy hobbies, enjoy relative safety and the things that actually fill us. Rather we are trained to see EXCESSIVE work as a virtue, over producing as the goal, over consuming as the reward and individualism at all costs as the most honorable way to live.
We are trained to be constantly hopping from trend to trend so that we can never rest in any kind of security that we are good enough, have enough or are doing enough.
We aren’t trained to see that what we are being sold as success is a lie - and is actually incredibly destructive to ourselves, the planet and to our spirits as human beings.
What Actually Satisfies Us
The reality is, what we are being sold as ‘success’ will never satisfy us.
This way of life is separating us from our deepest humanity and THAT is actually what hurts about it.
In real reality, the first thing that we actually WANT is safety. We want to know that we are going to have access to our basic needs being met - food, shelter, clothing, warmth - and we also want to know that we are going to have access to connection, community and love.
THIS is what our culture tells us we have to become ‘successful’ in order to ‘earn.’
Rather than having a system that’s set up in a way where our human needs are seen as RIGHTS that we all deserve to have met, and that the systems we have should be judged by their CAPACITY to provide as MANY people in society with those basic needs as possible - we instead judge humans as being worthy/unworthy of having their needs met, based on how well they serve the functioning of the system.
The system is not set up to serve the people, the people are indoctrinated into believing it is their job to serve the system in order to earn their keep.
We have a system that says that it's reasonable for a few people to have SO MUCH MORE than they need, at the EXPENSE of others. And this has been normalized. It’s been normalized to see those who are struggling as having just made ‘bad choices’ vs. seeing the systems and how they are set up in order to make SURE people stay struggling.
We have been trained to see work as a means to reach personal fulfillment - when this should only be a very small part of what fills us as humans. YES there is something innate and natural in wanting work to feel purposeful and meaningful - this goes back to most of our evolutionary history where labor was absolutely centered around actually ACCOMPLISHING meeting our needs and the needs of our community. It’s only been in very recent times that we have created so many systems of labor where we are so disconnected from the actual outcomes of our work and where the outcomes of our work can sometimes be totally useless in terms of their actual contribution to a good life that we feel this sense of work being a drag. It’s only recently that we are being asked to work long hours in offices, with no room to breath or rest, no room to play or move, no access to fun or community and again, work that can literally not even lead to a living wage that we are finding all this work dissatisfaction.
The idea that we are supposed to find our PURPOSE in work is only PARTIALLY true. Yes, we want to feel like our work has some PURPOSE in it, but this is not what should be the source of our personal fulfillment.
Rather, we should be working so that again, we can then go out and live FULL LIVES.
Where we can work enough to get our needs as a collective met, and then we can spend the rest of our time doing the things that actually fill us.
Connecting with others in a genuine way.
Hobbies that are for no other purpose than enjoyment and expansion.
Learning about things that interest us.
Relaxing and resting.
Being in nature and connecting with our natural environment.
Giving back and offering what we can to our community.
Seeking a spiritual connection in whatever way that resonates with us.
THIS is what it actually takes to fulfill us.
Not more work.
Not more consumption.
Not working until we feel like we have ‘earned’ our right to exist.
It’s the very idea that we should be earning our right to exist that’s the problem.
It’s the very idea that many people HAVE to work so hard to just exist - and who work so hard to exist and STILL don’t earn enough to be safe that’s the problem.
It’s the constant chasing of trends and the constant exhaustion of trying to keep up with the ever changing narrative of what is and isn’t good enough that’s exhausting us.
The whole system is the problem, and we need to take ourselves back from it.
Why Rest Is An Entry Point
With all of this being said, for those of us who CAN start to take ourselves back from this system that is driving us away from reality and what it really means to be happy, healthy and well - we must.
Learning to rest where we can is something we will have to learn.
Many of us are going to have to really look at what our value systems are, what we actually need, what we actually want, why we are driving ourselves to do what we are, if we are actually getting what we want and what we need from all the things we are pushing ourselves to do, if what we believe we ‘should’ do is actually beneficial or not and we are going to have to start to actually question with deep self honesty what is truly important for us to be investing in and what isn’t.
This isn't easy work.
Truly taking a step back so that we can figure out where we DO have enough and don’t need to be pushing for more, where we DON’T need to buy the next thing, where we can opt out of the next trend, where we can give ourselves permission to not take on an extra job or extra responsibility and where we actually NEED to pull back because our current way of operating is driving us into constant states of overwhelm and burn-out is a vital step to take - and the world isn’t going to give you permission to do this.
In fact, the world is going to tell you that doing this means that you’re lazy, unproductive, unmotivated, lacking in ambition and that you’re not reaching for your fullest potential.
Learning to unravel ourselves from the values systems of culture isn’t going to be a one step process.
Rather, we are going to have to listen to our bodies and start to honor where we are repeatedly getting into states of overwhelm, burnout, not being able to take care of ourselves, getting trapped in loops of self sabotage/coping/numbing and where we need to realize that it’s not that we are weak, lazy or broken that this is happening - but rather its a response to a system that asks too much of us.
Being able to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt that we are struggling in RESPONSE to a system that is out of alignment vs. seeing ourselves as weak and failing is KEY.
This is again why compassion and curiosity are the main keys here. Rather than looking at yourself as a failure, or driving yourself to do and be more - can you start to consider that you are responding to a system that is not designed to support you?
- Can you start to assess where you CAN pull back, and can you give yourself space to face the FEAR of stepping back and then seeing what happens when you actually DO it?
- Can you open to the idea that what you have been trained to value about yourself and life in general may be false?
- Can you allow yourself to experiment with NOT going after every opportunity, not over-extending yourself and seeing what happens when you give yourself space to be instead of feeling like you need to DO all the time?
This will actually be the beginning of a totally transformative process if you allow it to be.
By stepping into this curiosity and compassion for yourself, by allowing yourself to LISTEN to your body and move into a state of SUPPORTING yourself instead of assuming that you’re failing - you’re going to start to open your own eyes and perspective to seeing the world in a whole new light.
You’re going to begin the process of deprogramming yourself from what culture says is true, real and important, and reprogramming yourself to seeing reality for how it actually is.
Giving yourself space to rest, to be, to engage in hobbies and activities that are just for you and no one else - this is the beginning of you taking yourself back from the system.
It will be a jumping off point that will likely radically shift how you see yourself and the world in general.
From here, we’re going to start to realize that we then have MORE space to actually look at, process and deal with the underlying issues in our lives. When we aren’t so overwhelmed with doing AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE in terms of production and consumption - we are going to find that space naturally gets created and in that space, our feelings, emotions, true thoughts, awareness of what hurts and so on start to bubble up to the surface.
This can be EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and many of us may perceive that this means we’ve done something wrong. Many of us will start to feel these uncomfortable feelings and assume they are coming from the fact that we aren’t doing enough, that there’s something wrong with us or that we are failing - but this is just culture, it's likely not reality.
When we start to reclaim our right to rest and not rush where we don’t have to, it is inevitable that our unprocessed emotions are going to surface. It’s inevitable that our awareness of our coping mechanisms, self sabotage and those patterns we’ve been trying to ‘fix’ for a long time start to become more and more apparent to us.
Which is why when we start to rest more, we want to make sure we are also supporting ourselves in finding tools to help us work THROUGH these things.
This can involve making room for reading personal growth materials that actually feel supportive for you. Working with a therapist or coach. Watching supportive youtube videos.
Just make sure what you’re engaging in doesn’t lead to MORE shame, blame or guilt. Make sure it’s rooted in compassion for you, the awareness that you are always doing your best with what you know, and that the tools and solutions being offered are all centered around SUPPORTING you in finding better ways of life that FEEL better, vs being rooted in ‘fixing’ you as though you’re broken.
You’re not broken, and you deserve to be understood in how you got to where you are, and then simply given the tools you need to help you do life in a way that feels more supportive.
Give yourself space to take this journey - you may be surprised where this seemingly simple concept of resting more takes you.
<3
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