In Part One of this series we were exploring how to identify toxic fuel and working from conditioning rather than from true motivation.
We were talking about WHY this kind of shame based movement doesn’t serve us - and how we can start to identify when we are working from shame and conditioning rather than from true motivation to become something that is actually going to serve us and our wellbeing.
Today we are going to go deeper into figuring out what we actually WANT when we are moving from that shame place, and how to readjust ourselves to a way of life that helps us grow where we really need to grow, and how to let go where we need to let go.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
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More On Conditioning
We grew up in environments where our natural expression wasn’t supported, and where we were either explicitly or covertly told that we needed to change.
Many of us grew up in situations where we were abandoned in our wants and needs - and rather than being able to see that sometimes our caregivers and other authority figures simply weren’t able to understand us or meet us due to their own issues, we internalized that lack of provision as being a sign that there was something wrong with us - and this set us on a course where we have been striving to change into what we believe we have to be in order to be seen, heard, loved and supported. We made up a narrative that made sense to us in our childhood brain about WHY we weren’t being loved and supported, and from that narrative we crafted a story of who we need to become in order to finally get that love and support we never got - rather than realizing that it was our caregivers who couldn’t meet us that was the problem - not our lack of effort or goodness.
Many of us grew up in situations where we were conditioned to believe that in order to be loved we must be the kind of people who can tolerate and accept ANY kind of behavior from those around us - including behavior where our needs aren’t respected, our feelings aren’t considered and our desires don’t matter. We are trying to ‘forgive’ and ‘transcend’ the feelings of resentment, anger and resistance we feel when we are around people that we deeply WANT to love and that we want to love us - who also make us feel like we aren’t important and who hurt us over and over again and tell us that it’s our reaction that’s the problem, vs. being able to see and admit that it’s actually their behavior that’s CAUSING the reaction that is the root of the problem.
Many of us grew up in situations where there was a deep judgement around the kinds of careers that are and aren’t acceptable, the kinds of relationships we ‘should’ be in or not be in, around how we are meant to have or not have children, around how we are meant to dress and present ourselves - and in this we were told that any variation on what was deemed ‘good enough’ was a failure. We learned that in order to be safe and loved we had to reject parts of ourselves and that we had to conform to certain standards - and in so doing we have discovered that trying to fit the mold causes us a lot of pain. We’ve tried really hard to get ourselves to be and do what was and is expected of us - and have found that we can’t do it, or that we can do it but that in doing it we need to rely upon unhealthy coping mechanisms and believe there’s something ‘wrong with us’ that we can’t just ‘be normal.’ We’ve discovered that we seem to perpetually sabotage ourselves rather than being able to make consistent effort towards being who we ‘should’ be, thinking that again we must be broken in some way because we can’t make ourselves do what we ‘should’ be doing.
We are living in a culture that prizes ways of being that center around being self centered, that center around being isolated from community and seeing others as competition, in a world where we are told that we have to be and do very specific things in order to be acceptable, a culture that teaches us to separate ourselves from our bodies and our feelings in order to fit in with what’s ‘right’, a culture that doesn’t understand that when we are struggling with self sabotage, addiction, coping mechanisms and not being able to ‘be on track’ that often this is a sign that we are struggling within a system that doesn’t work vs. struggling because we are broken - and we are living for the approval of the outside world.
This approval usually doesn’t come because our culture is set up in a way that makes it almost impossible to ever be good enough, because the goal-post for what is and isn’t good enough continually shifts.
We live in a culture where enough is never enough, where more is always better, and where we can find a place where we’re ‘failing’ to have it all at all times.
We’re not seeing that what is expected of us or what we think is expected of us isn’t always what is actually GOOD for us nor is it always in alignment with what WE actually WANT.
Rather we are trying to be good enough as a means to an end.
We are looking for love, security, safety, connection and a feeling that we aren’t alone - and what we are chasing after in terms of trying to fix ourselves is what we think we need to become in order to get those things.
It’s not that we ACTUALLY want what we think we want, but rather it’s that we want what we think ‘becoming’ this person we are trying to become will RESULT IN that we want.
So with that, everywhere that you are shaming, blaming and guilting yourself - can you ask yourself the following questions and see what comes up for you?
- Why do I want what I want?
- Why do I feel I must become what I think I must become?
- Why do I feel that who and what I am right now isn’t good enough?
- Why do I feel like the effort I am putting in isn’t enough?
- Where did the idea come from that I must change?
- Where did the idea come from that I must become what I think we must become?
- What do I believe will happen to/for me if I change into the person I am trying to be?
- What do I fear will or won’t happen if I DON’T become the person I am trying to become?
- Who taught me that I must be what I am trying to be?
- Who taught me that who I am isn’t enough?
- Who taught me that what I actually want isn’t right?
- Do I actually want this? Or do I want this because I think it will make OTHERS happy?
- If I were to feel like I was going to be loved and safe no matter what, would I still want to pursue what I’m pursuing? Would it still matter to me?
Just see what happens when you process through these questions.
What Do You ACTUALLY Want?
From here, we want to start to ask ourselves what it is we really believe is going to happen when we ‘become’ this person we are trying to become.
We want to deeply connect with what we believe is going to change about our lives if we were to improve in the ways we feel we need to improve, and if we were to achieve what we feel we’re supposed to be achieving.
We want to look at the actual GOAL we have.
Which can be a really hard thing if we’re not used to this kind of introspection.
It can feel, at first glance, like it’s just ‘obvious’ that we need to change in the ways we’re trying to get ourselves to change.
It can really feel like the world will end if we don’t fix ourselves.
It can be really triggering to consider NOT doing what we feel like we need to be doing - because for a lot of us the roots of why we’re doing what we are are deeply wound into our sense of safety and security.
For many of us, when we dig into this, we’re going to find that what we actually want is belonging.
We want safety.
We want connection.
We want to feel like we aren’t alone, like we’re going to be supported and protected and like we don’t have to figure everything in life out by ourselves.
We feel that by becoming the people we are trying to become, we are going to get to a place where others finally see us, love us, accept us and are then able to be there for us in ways they historically may not have been.
And getting to this revelation can be TOUGH.
So again, the main thing we want to ask ourselves is this:
If you knew that you were going to be LOVED just as you are RIGHT NOW, if you could wave a magic wand and make it so that no matter what, you knew you weren’t going to have to face the challenges of life alone anymore, that you would always have people around to help and support you no matter what you did - do you STILL want to become what you want to become? Do you still feel like you need to strive to be what you want to be? Do you still feel like you need to work to change?
If you were going to be loved, no matter what, how does that shift or not shift your motivation to do what you’re doing and to become who you’re trying to become?
If your motivation fades with this idea - I want to invite you into a deeper exploration.
If you notice that with the idea that you would be loved no matter what, you no longer feel that sense of urgency to change - chances are you’re moving from conditioning and from a place of wanting to be safe and loved - and that is a genuine desire that SHOULD be appreciated - but we have to then realize that generally speaking, if we are trying to get this by attempting to change ourselves we are likely working from that childhood conditioning place vs. from a place of true desire to grow into something that is actually good for us.
With this, the purpose of this article isn’t to be able to give you all the answers on how to work through this - because for most of us, that will be a delicate process of untangling.
We will need to grieve our childhoods and the parts of self that got abandoned, abused and didn’t get their needs met.
We will need to see where our shame and guilt are covering up our true feelings and our true needs.
We will need to detangle what we actually want from what we have been told we should want.
We will have to process the fact that sometimes what people are asking us to become before they will love us is actually unreasonable, and we need to shift how we are relating to people.
There isn’t a quick way to work through this - but becoming AWARE of it is the first step.
So if you are discovering that with the idea that you will be loved, you no longer feel this deep need to change, there is some deeper digging to do.
I have lots of videos on my Youtube channel to support you, lots of articles here, I have the Mystery School to help you work through this, as well as coaching work.
There are also lots of other resources - the main one I recommend is Marths Beck - check out her works for more tools.
Now, on the other hand if you are finding that even if you were to be loved you STILL want to do what you are wanting to do - then that is likely TRUE motivation.
Which brings us to our final section.
What Is Your WHOLE BEING Actually Capable Of
When you have landed on a sense that you still want to do what you want to do even if you knew you would be loved and safe, that is your sign that what you are going after is likely healthier and more in alignment with what you actually need.
From here, you want to give yourself space to connect with what it is that hurts in real reality that you believe making these changes you are trying to make is going to alter for you.
What is the actual pain point that is driving your desire for change?
We also want to look for what it is we are looking to FEEL or EXPERIENCE with the changes we are trying to make.
What do we want to HAVE that we have never had before? What do we want to DO that we have never done before? What do we want to experience that we have never experienced before?
Why do we want this?
What’s our true motivation?
From there, can you look at any tool that you’re using to work towards changing, as being something that should be SUPPORTIVE of you FEELING BETTER?
Rather than looking at anything we are doing through the lens of ‘I should be doing this because it’s ‘good’ to do it’ - we want to instead think ‘this is a TOOL to help me feel better.’
There is no ‘good enough or not good enough’ when we are working from INTERNAL motivation.
When we are working from a genuine place of going after what we actually want - what is true to our life path - we can fully acknowledge that perhaps life doesn’t feel good right now, and perhaps we believe that if we push ourselves harder, we can get where we want to go faster. There may be a voice that is wanting to blame us for not trying hard enough because that voice believes that if we control ourselves perfectly that in doing so we can make the WORLD a perfect place that will stop hurting and will give us what we want.
This is innocent and it makes sense.
But the reality is, we can only move at the pace that we can move at.
We can only process so much emotion at one time.
We can only take so many steps towards change before our nervous systems are going to stop us.
We can only do what we can do.
And the FASTEST way to get ANYWHERE is to fully ACCEPT what we are actually capable of, and to do just that.
So rather than thinking that it’s possible to rush yourself into the life of your dreams - can you instead remember that the more you go at a SUSTAINABLE pace, the more you go at the pace that your nervous system can actually handle, the more you do just what you can reasonably MAINTAIN and DO over and over again over the long term - the FASTER you will get where you want to go?
Can you consider that when you push yourself past your capacity, you don’t actually get anywhere FASTER, but rather you slow yourself down - because when you push yourself past your capacity you then have to stop and recover.
If you keep a reasonable pace, you can go far.
If you keep pushing and then having to recover, you will take a MUCH longer time to get where you want to go.
Thus, it’s so much better in the long run to work from this place of SUPPORTING yourself, and doing just enough to keep moving, without harming yourself and having to recover.
Assess all your tools, every modality you are using to support your progress and every step you're taking against its capacity to SUPPORT YOU in feeling better.
You are not here to measure up to anything - it’s not your job to do a practice or a step perfectly - it’s your job to assess whether the tools or practices you’re using are SUPPORTING your efforts in feeling how you want to feel.
Second, make sure you are reminding yourself over and over again that the more SUSTAINABLE your pace, the FASTER you will go.
There’s no forcing or rushing real reality.
If your motivation is in alignment with real reality, then you are going to have to go at the pace that you can actually handle, and at the pace that life is willing to shift for you - which may be SLOWER than what you want it to be.
But pushing against this means that we will break ourselves. Reality isn’t going to change.
So allow yourself to sink in for the long term, sink into what’s supportive, and to make a plan of action that’s actually in alignment with your capacity.
Then do that, over and over and over again.
One step at a time, you will get there.
<3
Want more tools like this?
Check out The Mystery School
