How do we determine when it’s actually healthy for us to explain ourselves to others, and when we really need to allow ourselves to simply do what we feel is right, whether or not anyone around us understands?
How do we decide when we really DO owe someone a reason for why we’re doing what we are, why we’re choosing what we are and why we’re living how we are - and when we really don’t?
The reality is, as much as social media wants to make this seem like a black and white issue - it truly isn’t.
This life that we live is complex, and there are times and places where the absolute healthiest thing to do is to explain ourselves to those around us - because we aren’t individuals living our individual lives in a way that have no effect on others.
There are also going to be times and places where it truly isn’t healthy to explain ourselves to those around us. Where trying to get others to understand our reasoning is futile, and where we DO need to learn to simply trust ourselves and to do what we feel is right with or without the approval of those around us.
In this article I hope to give you some foundational tools to work with in determining when it’s healthy to take the time to explain ourselves, and when it isn’t - so that you can work through each of your individual situations with some ideas and mindsets to help you determine what’s best in each instance.
Because again, there’s no one right or wrong way. Rather there’s learning how to determine what’s right based on the circumstances we’re actually in.
Relationships are complex, and communication is complex. Each situation comes with its own set of conditions, and we want to be able to work with those conditions to find the best way forward.
When We DO Owe Someone An Explanation
Despite what a lot of our current pop-psychology experts want to tell us, we are not individuals living in our own little worlds having no effect on anyone around us.
We are not totally autonomous beings who should simply live lives where we do whatever we feel like doing whenever we feel like doing it.
It’s important to remember and respect the fact that we are interconnected as human beings. That what we do has an impact on others and that what others do has an impact on us.
It’s important to validate that we aren’t living in a reality where we can simply do whatever we want and expect everyone around us to just adjust and be ok with it.
The idea that we NEVER owe anyone an explanation for why we’re doing what we’re doing is an unhealthy and imbalanced one for many reasons.
If you were to simply consider how YOU want to be treated in life, I’m going to guess that in your intimate relationships, in your relationships with your family members, in your relationships with your friends and co-workers, you wouldn’t want to be in relationships where everyone around you simply did whatever they wanted to do and expected you to simply figure out how to be ok within that.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship or situation where this was the expectation, I’m going to guess that it likely didn’t feel very good, and at the end of the day was a relationship where you ended up feeling really invisible, invalidated and where you felt like you were constantly having to compromise yourself in order to bend to the will of those you were relating with.
This way of relating is actually very much based in a kind of ‘dominance’ structure - and for most of us, this way of relating is simply going to feel terrible.
On top of feeling bad, this way of relating can actually lead to a situation where we aren’t able to find the best ways of doing things - because when we rely upon the perspective and vision of a single individual, there are always going to be blind spots and insights that are missed. There will always be flaws in the logic and ideas that could have been brought by other people that would have benefited the situation.
The reality is, in most cases collaboration is the best way. In most cases working together to come to mutual understandings of what’s happening and why, what should be done, what everyone is feeling and needing and what works best for the WHOLE is truly the most effective way for creating circumstances that actually WORK and feel BEST for everyone - which is really what we want at the end of the day.
In most situations, collaboration is key.
Communication, Communication, Communication
Now, what WE can do as individuals to make collaboration as healthy as possible is to really be aware of what we are thinking, wanting, expecting, needing and valuing, so that we are able to clearly and as effectively as possible COMMUNICATE these things to those around us.
In our intimate relationships, we want to be able to explain to our partners how we’re feeling, what we’re wanting that we’re not getting, what we’re getting that we’re not wanting, what we’re expecting in terms of how we want to the day to go or what we’re wanting from them in terms of love, provision, cooperation or communication.
We want to be able to communicate to our partners when our schedules are changing, when we won’t be able to fulfill an agreement we may have made, when we aren’t happy with how things are going, when we want to shift a dynamic or when we are having feelings that are causing us to question the status quo.
It’s important to be able to clearly and effectively express ourselves in these situations, while also being open to hearing what our partners think, feel, want and expect - so that we can then work together as a team to make our way towards a situation that is satisfying for everyone.
When we don’t do this, when we simply live as independent beings, expecting everyone around us to simply either read our minds/predict our wants and needs or to ‘go along’ with what we want or any changes we’re making - we’re going to end up in a situation where one party is going to be resentful and hurt and again, we’re going to end up in a situation where the person making all the choices allows their blindspots and lack of full awareness get in the way of making the actual BEST choices in each circumstance. No one can be aware of everything!
It’s the same in our relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Being able to adequate describe where we’re coming from, (and doing so in a way that’s contextually appropriate - we of course aren’t going to share our feelings with our bosses the same way we would with our intimate partners, but you get the overall point here) in situations where there’s conflict, where there needs to be a change in how we’re doing things, when we need to find solutions to problems and when we’re making plans for how to move forward and create something new.
You can see here, generally speaking, in most normal situations we’re going to find that explaining ourselves is actually the BEST thing to do in order to create peace and a healthy way forward.
Why Explaining Ourselves Can Be Healthy
When we get really good at being clear about where we’re coming from, what we’re feeling, what we’re wanting and not wanting and what we’re expecting, we’re going to find that this actually creates a LOT of harmony in our relationships where harmony may have been missing before.
We are going to find that when we’re able to explain ourselves clearly, that those around us are then better able to empathize with us, see us, understand us and validate our positions.
We’re going to find that we end up having LESS conflict overall, because generally speaking, the more people tend to understand WHY the people around them are doing what they are, feeling how they are and wanting what they want, the more accommodating they are going to be.
We’re also going to find that the more we make room for those in our lives to explain THEMSELVES to us, the more we inquire into what THEY are thinking, feeling, wanting, needing and expecting, the more WE’RE going to be able to empathize with and understand THEM, which will in turn help us to work towards finding solutions and ways forward that work for everyone.
We’re going to find that the more we learn to connect with people, the less we’re going to feel like we’re being judged for our ways of being and our actions, and the less we’re going to be in a state of feeling confused, hurt and upset by the actions of others - because we’re actually taking the time to get to know WHY they are doing what they are and we’re taking the time to build that bridge of understanding so that we can also be understood.
We’re going to come to see that SO much of the conflict we experience in life isn’t coming from an actual foundational lack of ability to find a middle ground or an incompatibility between ourselves and others - but rather we’re going to find that what was actually missing was understanding. What was actually missing was being able to see another's perspective.
When we learn to effectively communicate our side, and when we learn to effectively listen to those around us, we’re likely going to find that there’s more room for compromise and everyone getting what they want than we may have thought.
We’re going to find that when we work together to find solutions and ways forward, we actually come up with BETTER strategies than if we relied upon one person to make all the choices - because we actually work BEST in collaboration as humans! We are more creative together, we’re more complex together, we can see more angles of a situation together and we can bring more awareness to what needs to happen when we work together.
We’re going to see that bulldozing our way forward or allowing others to simply take over rarely works better than learning to communicate and work together does.
Communication both ways is really the best thing in most situations.
With this, I want to invite you to consider that learning how to deeply understand your own motivations so that you can share them with those around you may actually be better in many situations than just doing what you want to do and letting others adjust.
Is it possible that learning to ask yourself WHAT you want, why you want it, what you’re expecting, what you’re feeling and what your intentions are is the first step to finding a path forward that works?
Is it possible that learning to slow down and really listen to those around you when they tell you how THEY are feeling, what they are wanting, what they are expecting and what they are going through may help YOU to come up with the best solutions both for yourself AND them?
What if learning to listen to yourself, listen to others and find a common ground is ACTUALLY the healthiest way MOST of the time?
How would that change the way you interact with others?
Now, this doesn’t mean that communication, explanation and trying to help others understand us and our perspective is ALWAYS the right thing to do.
This doesn’t mean that we’re always going to be understood, or that understanding from others is always required when we are making choices for ourselves.
And that is what we’re going to dive into next week.
But for this week, I simply want to invite you to consider that in MOST healthy situations, in most NORMAL situations where there isn’t abuse, gaslighting or a true lack of capacity or willingness from others to understand, empathize with and support those around them, communication IS the best way forward.
I want to invite you to consider that giving others the benefit of the doubt at least a few times in assuming that they WILL be capable of hearing us, empathizing with us and working with us to find habits and ways of life that serve everyone best IS possible.
I want to invite you to consider that being in a state of empathizing with the wants, fears, needs, desires and expectations of others while also being open to sharing YOUR wants, needs, fears, desires and expectations is actually the first healthy step towards finding happiness in life!
We are always going to be being that need to collaborate and work with others - so deepening our capacity to understand OURSELVES, to express ourselves and then to listen to and understand others so we can work TOGETHER is generally speaking, the way to go.
Next week we will look at the circumstances where this ISN’T the case and how to handle that, but for now, what is it like to think that in most normal, relatively healthy dynamics, communication and collaboration IS the best way?
<3
Want more tools like this?
Check out The Mystery School Here
