Hello!
If you’ve not done so already, I highly recommend that you go back and read Part One in this series.
In that first post, we explored the reality that there ARE truly legitimate times and places in life where explaining ourselves to those around us IS the healthiest thing to do.
We looked at the reality that in *most* healthy and normal relational situations, expressing where we’re coming from, how we’re feeling, what we’re wanting, what we’re expecting and what we’re needing is absolutely the BEST thing to do.
Today, we’re going to look at the places where explaining ourselves ISN’T the healthy thing to do.
We’re going to dive into the situations where it is a good thing to learn how to do what we’re going to do, how to live how we’re going to live and how to allow others to agree or disagree without that being a reason for us to reject, shame or deny ourselves.
So let’s dive in and again look at the complexity and nuance of this so we can find that healthy middle ground.
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Different Perspectives Equal Complex Relationships
As we were exploring last week, it’s important to recognize and validate that there are very real times and places in life where communicating our wants, needs, desires, feelings, motivations and ideas to those around us IS important. We explored why learning to communicate effectively can actually lead to BETTER outcomes than simply doing whatever WE want to do or allowing ourselves to simply follow the lead of whomever we’re around.
Today, we want to look at the situations where learning to go our own way and do what we need to do whether or not we’re understood is actually the best thing.
The reality is, there are going to be times and places in ALL of our lives where we run into people who simply CAN’T understand us, who WON’T take the time to empathize with us, who don’t WANT to empathize with us or who for whatever reason simply can’t make room for us to be who we are and to do what we know is right.
The reality is we live in a world where there are SO many different ideas about what’s right and wrong, what’s a ‘good life’ and what isn’t, about what is acceptable and what’s unacceptable, that it’s absolutely impossible to get to a place where we can be pleasing everyone all the time.
The reality is that we live in a world where many people aren’t emotionally and mentally mature enough to be able to hold space for our feelings, thoughts, emotions and expressions and a world where people feel deeply threatened when they witness someone who lives and operates differently from how they live and operate.
The reality is, all of us are going to face situations in life where we’re expected to be and do things that really don’t feel good for us, where we’re told that how we’re living is wrong, where what is right for us contradicts the cultural or familial patterning we’ve been handed and where we’re going to have to trust ourselves to go our own way even when that means being misunderstood and rejected by others.
The reality is, we’re not always in relationships that are healthy, balanced and where people are ready, willing or able to hear us, understand us, validate us or make room for our experience.
This is a painful thing to deal with, because it’s NEVER going to feel good to feel like we’re being told that how we feel is wrong, that what we want or need is wrong, that our perspectives and perceptions are wrong or that we should be living/being/acting in a way that doesn’t feel good for us.
It’s never going to feel good to have to go our own way in the face of rejection and in the fact of being told that we’re messing up, wrong, bad, evil, sinful or otherwise ‘should’ be doing something else.
It’s never going to feel good to be told that we shouldn’t feel how we feel, that our emotions aren’t valid, that our thoughts aren’t valid and that we should feel a different way.
It’s never going to feel good to feel like doing what we KNOW we need to do for ourselves means having people we really WANT to love us and accept us, reject us, judge us, shame us or neglect us.
But if we’re going to find a life that feels good for us, if we’re going to find a life that actually works for who we are and what we need - we’re going to have to learn how to face these situations in a healthy and self supportive way.
Why We Feel Like We MUST Be Understood
So how do we know when we’re in a situation where explaining ourselves ISN’T healthy?
How do we know when we need to just do our own thing and allow others to be upset?
How do we know when communication isn’t the issue but rather it’s a lack of capacity on the other end that’s causing the misunderstandings that are leading to us not feeling free to do what we need to do?
Again, there’s no simple or one size fits all answer to the above questions.
Rather, as we learn, grow and change along our life path, as we learn to communicate, as we learn to validate ourselves, as we learn to own what we’re thinking, feeling, wanting and needing, the more we’re going to become clear on where we need to learn to trust ourselves and do what we need to do vs. when we need to compromise and communicate more effectively.
The BIGGEST and most important first step we want to take in figuring out where more communication is needed vs. where we need to learn to do our own thing despite the opinions of others, is to learn how to slow down, connect with ourselves and to VALIDATE our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, wants and needs.
Before we move into a state of trying to explain ourselves when we feel like we’ve already explained ourselves, before we try to get others to understand us, before we get to a place of really working on whether or not we need to communicate more or if we need to walk our own path - we want to begin by grounding into a space if inner safety.
We want to learn how to shift into a place of actually being AWARE of our own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, emotions and perceptions, and of giving ourselves SPACE to OWN all of those things.
I know this may seem silly, it may seem like it’s not really that big of a deal and that it won’t make much of a difference - but this capacity to validate ourselves BEFORE we look to others to validate us/give us permission to do what we want to do is actually KEY.
You see, many of us grew up in a situation where we never actually learned how to healthfully validate ourselves.
We grew up in a world that taught us to be in a constant state of looking outside of ourselves for the ‘answers’ to life.
We grew up in a world that told us to conform to norms, that told us that doing the ‘right’ thing means doing what is most accepted by others, that told us not to listen to how we are feeling, what we are perceiving or what we are actually experiencing, but rather to look to what OTHERS perceptions were and to follow along with THOSE perceptions as being reality.
Many of us never learned how to even ASSESS what we’re feeling, what we’re wanting, what we’re needing or what is motivating us to do what we’re doing.
Many of us grew up in a situation where instead of being able to validate our feelings, instead of being able to find clarity on what was going on for us and instead of being taught the skills we needed to be able to live a life that feels good for us even if that means going against the status quo, we were taught the exact opposite.
We were taught to believe that if we didn’t want to do the things we were being told we ‘should’ that this meant there was something wrong with us. We were taught that if we didn’t feel good going along with what was expected that this was a failure. We were taught that if we felt good doing things that others deemed as ‘wrong’ that this meant that there was something deeply flawed about us and our makeup. We were taught that certain emotions were not ok to have or express.
We were blamed, shamed and ridiculed for having the thoughts, feelings, desires, expressions and repulsions that we had - and this caused us to abandon ourselves in exchange for the approval of others.
This caused us to believe that we COULDN’T do what we needed to do or be what we needed to be if that meant being rejected.
It caused us to believe that if we were misunderstood by others, that this meant that we COULDN’T live the lives we wanted to live - that in order to be free to do what we knew was right for us, we needed to be given permission by others first.
Many of us don’t feel like our feelings, thoughts, needs, wants and desires are valid unless someone outside of ourselves tells us that they are.
Many of us have learned that when we are invalidated by others that this automatically means that we’re wrong and that we MUST reject and abandon ourselves.
This leads us to feeling like we MUST be understood before we can be, do, feel or express anything - and that is a very painful place to live when we aren’t living in a world where we have general acceptance for true authenticity.
This is really painful when we live in a world with very narrow parameters for what is and isn’t ‘ok’ and where stepping outside of those bounds often DOES lead to being shamed, blamed, criticized or otherwise rejected.
This is why we must first learn to validate ourselves - and THEN we will know if we need to communicate or if it’s time for us to do what we need to do, even if that means being misunderstood.
If Your Feelings Are Valid, Then What?
When you’re feeling stuck, when you’re feeling like you’re in a situation where you’ve explained yourself over and over again and aren’t being heard, when you’re feeling like you’ve tried to communicate and over and over again you’re being told that you’re wrong, when your needs aren’t being met, or when you feel like you don’t know HOW to communicate what’s going on for you - this is when you know it’s time to take a step back and practice SELF validation.
This is when it’s time to stop explaining yourself, to stop trying to communicate, to stop trying to be understood by those around you, so that you can first work on settling into a place of actually understanding yourself.
Many of us haven’t learned how to do this work before - again we have been trained to outsource our feelings of validity, our choices, our perceptions of what’s right and wrong onto those around us, culture, our friends and families and our idea of ‘everyone’ and what we think they think.
We’ve learned to reject ourselves and our feelings before we even get started - and this makes it VERY hard and confusing to move forward when we’re not in total alignment with outward expectation.
The next time you’re feeling deeply misunderstood, you’re feeling trapped in a situation that doesn’t feel good for you, the next time you’re telling yourself that the way you feel is wrong or that you should be feeling something else, the next time you’re wanting something to change and you’re feeling like you need external permission to change what you want to change or like you need someone outside of you to change things FOR you, the next time you’re feeling like you’re not being heard or like you NEED someone to understand you BEFORE you can take the steps in life you know you want to take or need to take, I want to invite you to step back and take some time with yourself.
I want to invite you to go inward, and to really get clear on what YOU’RE feeling.
I want to invite you to go inward and get clear on what YOU’RE wanting and not wanting.
I want to invite you to go inward and give yourself FULL permission to feel how you feel, to want what you want, to not want what you don’t want, to need what you need, to desire what you desire and to see things how YOU see them right now.
I want to invite you to slow down and really ask yourself:
- How are YOU feeling right now?
- Where do you feel what you’re feeling in your BODY and what does it feel like?
- What do you NEED that you’re not getting?
- What is the outcome that you’re hoping to achieve with your desired action or way of being?
- What are you getting that you DON’T want?
- What HURTS about this situation - and can you allow yourself to feel this pain WITHOUT blaming YOURSELF for it?
- What is it that you KNOW you need to do, but feel afraid to do due to the fear of rejection?
- What are you afraid is going to happen if you’re not validated or understood by others?
- Are you actually NOT able to do what you want to do if you’re not approved of by others, or are you capable and it will just be uncomfortable?
- Have you voiced your position, and been met with a lack of understanding from the other side despite your best efforts to share and empathize?
What would it feel like if you WERE to be validated by those around you? What would that give you permission to feel/think/do/not do?
Can you get clear on where YOU are right now?
Can you get clear on what YOU need right now?
Can you get clear on how YOU feel right now?
Then can you make that OK?
THIS is the most important part.
Can you clarify where you’re at - and then without judgement, shame, blame, guilt or otherwise telling yourself that you should feel something else or shouldn’t feel how you feel - can you really VALIDATE your own perspective?
THIS is the ROOT of being able to figure out how to communicate effectively, or how to do what you need to do regardless of the approval or understanding of others.
Do you know where YOU are, and can you allow yourself to BE there without judgement?
When you can get yourself HERE - when you can clarify where you are, and when you can validate yourself - THAT’S when you’re going to notice a shift.
A shift where you can come back into your body, and where you can start to figure out if you really DO need more communication, or if it’s time for you to do what you need to do.
If YOU can validate you, if YOU can make it safe for you to be where you are, to feel how you feel, to want what you want and not want what you don’t want - from THAT place, does it feel like you need more communication or does it feel like you’ve reached a place where you’ve explained yourself enough and you’re simply not going to be understood?
Are you able to take the steps you need to take in a way that are SAFE for you - where you may risk rejection and being misunderstood but where overall you’re going to be ok?
Have you done your due-diligence in explaining to the best of your ability, and come to find that the people you’re looking to for validation simply CAN’T validate you for their own reasons?
When you validate yourself, when you make it safe to be where you are, to think what you think, to feel how you feel and to need what you need - from THAT place what feels like the most supportive/important thing moving forward?
Remember, this is going to be a PROCESS for most of us. This is NOT easy to do, especially when we have been deeply invalidated by others for a LONG time. We may need HELP with this. So don't hesitate to read other books, to get a therapist, to work with a coach or guide, to check out my youtube channel and other resources - this is a PROCESS and this article is just for planting seeds - remember that.
Making Space For The Complexity
From here, I want you to understand that every situation you’re in is going to be unique.
That you are going to cycle through phases with this.
That there are going to be times where it feels like you’ve reached the end of the road with communication and compromise, where you have to go your own way, and where doing so all of a sudden leads to a breakthrough in the understanding of others.
There are going to be times where we have to do the hard and painful work of validating ourselves and then doing what we know is right even in the face of rejection.
There are going to be times when we have to accept that there’s no level of explaining that’s ever going to lead to us being understood - and that we are going to have to learn to understand ourselves with or without others.
There are going to be times when we want to give up on trying to explain, but where it’s most respectful to slow down and give those around us another chance to understand and to work with us.
There are going to be times when we want to push ahead with our own way but where we do need to slow down and respect the wants, needs and desires of others.
There’s no one right answer.
This is why slowing down, getting clear and validating ourselves FIRST is the key to figuring out what our next steps are.
When we can settle into ourselves, when we can make ourselves safe, when we can clarify where we are on our own - in THAT we’re going to have a much, much easier time figuring out what the next right steps are for us.
If we can accept that we may never be understood by those around us or those we most want to understand us - and we can embrace that that doesn’t mean that WE are wrong, bad or shameful, in that we may learn where we can take steps even if that means being rejected because overall it’s what’s best for us.
If we can validate ourselves this will help us feel less defensive and more capable of clear and honest communication - and to receiving communication from others.
This self validation work opens the door to all the other steps.
To our next steps.
So if you were to validate yourself - what feels most supportive from THERE?
More communication?
More self trust?
Accepting that we are going to have to go our own way?
Opening to the perspectives of others?
Only you are going to know what’s right for you in each circumstance you face - and you’re going to figure that out by regulating yourself with validation and approval.
There’s no fast or simple way to do this. I have lots and lots of other resources for you on this site to help you learn to validate yourself, to understand yourself, to question your thoughts and perceptions - so look around here - this article again is meant to plant seeds not to be a cure all or the ultimate solution.
One step at a time.
You got this.
<3
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