If you only read the first paragraph of this entire article, I hope you walk away with this awareness: so long as we are alive, breathing and human, chances are we’re going to have times and places in our lives where we get triggered, where our past affects us in a negative way, where our experiences cloud our perception and judgement and where we aren’t able to be ‘regulated’ and in our bodies.
Truly. Go ahead and read that again.
We are all going to experience times in our lives where someone close to us hits a nerve, where we are plunged into past fears and traumas, where our minds run away from us about all the scary ‘what ifs’ that could befall us.
We’re all going to have times and places in life where we aren’t able to stay grounded, where we aren’t able to stabilize our emotions and where our nervous systems get activated in a way that we can’t control.
That being said, we can for SURE make changes and progress towards a life that feels BETTER and becomes progressively LESS filled with flashbacks, triggers, pains and emotional upset. It is fully possible to progress towards healing that allows us to find MORE peace than we’ve ever had before and a capacity to maintain stability in times and places where we would have been deeply activated and triggered before.
Progress and change IS possible, but perfection and total clearing likely isn’t.
Which means, if we really want to support ourselves and if we want to look for practitioners who are capable of supporting us - it’s incredibly important that we START with this intention and understanding in mind.
Working Through The Shame/Guilt
In our world today, there are perpetual messages being sent to us from pretty much every corner of the ‘healing’ world that say that if we do our work enough, if we practice hard enough, if we process enough, if we do enough therapy and regulate ourselves enough that we can perfect ourselves.
Literally.
This is the message we are getting - but it’s generally a message we are absorbing without realizing we’re absorbing it, due to the fact that it’s being delivered in a sneaky way.
We aren’t being flat out told by influencers, therapist, spiritual guides and other self help gurus that what we are to expect from ourselves is perfection - we’re being told that if we do enough work on ourselves that all of the PAIN that we’re in from our past, from our histories, from our emotional and mental reactions to life and from our CURRENT stresses, traumas, pains and struggles can all be erased if we just do enough work on ourselves.
What we are being offered is the dream that if we do our inner work enough, that the outer world will stop hurting us.
We’re being told that the reason we suffer in this life can all be boiled down to the fact that we have past trauma and pain that’s being triggered in the present OR that’s causing us to ‘manifest’ or experience what we’re experiencing in the present - and that if we just clear/heal/regulate/process/integrate enough that we will NEVER get hurt or experience pain ever again.
The message that we’re getting is that our pain is our fault - though again it’s not being said in this way so most of us don’t recognize that this is what’s being said.
We’re being told that our current pain is a result of the fact that we haven’t ‘healed’ from our past enough to either no longer experience triggers or to no longer be in a state where we ‘manifest’ hard things in our current reality.
We’re being promised that if we do enough of our inner work, that the outer world will either stop bothering us and we will be able to be around anyone and not be hurt by them, or that we will slip into a perfect external experience where nothing painful ever happens to us again - where we have the perfect career, the perfect relationships, the perfect body and perfect mental health that never gets disturbed.
THIS is what’s being said - and we’re not realizing that at the end of the day, this is an incredibly shame-filled message that leads to us blaming, shaming and rejecting ourselves when we’re in pain, instead of helping us to learn how to support ourselves.
This message that if we do enough inner work we can perfect our outer worlds is incredibly attractive. Of COURSE we want to believe that we can make all of our pain go away, and of course we want to believe that we have total control over that through controlling OURSELVES. This is what’s so insidious about the modern spirituality/self help environment - it is making us a promise it can’t keep - but one that when it fails to deliver we are trained to blame OURSELVES instead of blaming the systems and tools we’re being given.
The reality of this message that if we do enough inner work we can perfect our lives is attractive to us because it makes us feel a temporary sense of total control. Most of us have an underlying belief that we can control ourselves. We are told over and over again that the one thing we have total control over is ourselves. So it stands to reason that when someone says ‘if you perfect yourself you can have a perfect life’ we are vulnerable to believing it.
The reality of this message is that it perfectly ties into our childhood view of reality where it appeared to us as though EVERYTHING that happened to us was ‘because of’ us on some level. Where it appeared to us that our caregivers had total control over everything, and that the only reason they would deny us what we wanted or needed was because WE were doing something wrong.
This message makes us feel like we are taking responsibility for ourselves - while totally ignoring the reality that we don’t have total control over life, that things are ALWAYS going to happen to us that we have no ability to predict or change and that our emotions, triggers and past will likely ALWAYS be at least a PART of our human experience - and that liberation from suffering isn’t about perfecting ourselves but rather is about learning how to NAVIGATE the times and places where we’re hurting, triggered or otherwise suffering with LOVE and COMPASSION.
The current message is one of shame and guilt - if you’re struggling, suffering, hurting or otherwise not in a state of peace or bliss, this is because you haven’t healed enough.
THAT’S the core of the message and that’s why it’s toxic.
Because the reality is, there is no such thing as ‘healing enough’ to never feel negative, never be triggered, never get hurt or never experience an adverse experience ever again.
This is just not how life works.
You Aren’t Failing To ‘Heal’
The wellness world would love to have you believing that every time you’re triggered, every time you experience a negative emotion, every time you struggle to achieve a goal, every time you engage in any form of self sabotage/getting in your own way or literally any time something hard happens to you that this means that you’re not healed.
That this means you need more processing, more healing, more guidance, more sessions, more self help, more plant medicine and so on and so forth.
This perpetual messaging that you are ‘not doing enough’ or ‘aren’t healed enough’ - this message that total liberation from all trigger, all struggle and all pain is possible if you’re doing ‘the work’ is really just a sneaky sales tactic designed to keep you in a constant state of perpetual stiving and never arriving - but more importantly - in a perpetual state of purchasing things you likely don’t need that won’t actually liberate you from anything other than money you could have spent on something of value.
The more the wellness industry can convince you that perfect healing and transcendence is possible, and the more they can convince you that the only reason you're not experiencing that transcendence is due to a failing in yourself - the more they can perpetually sell you things that don’t work, that don’t set you free, that don’t heal you and don’t give you the promised results - and rather than you seeing that and deciding that you’re going to stop investing in these tools that don’t work, you’re going to be primed to blame yourself and then keep buying.
This is the trick that is the most harmful.
The fact that we exist in a world where we want so badly to believe that we can heal enough to never suffer or be triggered ever again, means that we also live in a world where we are vulnerable to people selling us products, protocols, retreats, sessions and practices that don’t work, that don’t deliver on their promises and that don’t lead to freedom - and this actually means that the person selling these ineffective resources is going to make MORE money than if they sold something that worked, because the more you don’t get results, the more you are incentivised to continue to buy.
This sneaky shame message keeps us from seeing reality - that it's not a lack of effort, not a lack of capacity, not a lack of spiritual tools or healing that’s holding us back from our perfectly enlightened version of self - it’s reality.
Again we have to realize that if perfect healing WERE possible, we’d either know about it and it would be the golden standard that we all used rather than there being a million different approaches and theories all with their proponents and nay-sayers, or we’d see the multi-billion dollar wellness industry take a massive hit in profits due to healing people so much that they stop needing to buy stuff.
We are clearly NOT seeing this - and thus we need to recognize that what’s being promised isn’t being delivered, and this means that we need to interact with the wellness, healing and spirituality world with more skepticism and caution.
Finally, we want to be really aware of the people selling us things that make us feel HIGH and then lead to a crash, as well as the people selling us the perpetual ‘level up’.
We want to be very aware that in real reality, healing happens SLOWLY and over time. Healing happens when we are in a state of safety, regulation and grounding - not when we are extremely stimulated, not when we’re in a constant state of jumping from one thing to the next and not when we’re working as hard as possible thinking if we just do enough at once we can ‘get through it all’ and be done with it.
If we’re finding ourselves in a place where we aren’t developing a consistent, supportive daily routine that helps us take those small, doable, regulated and grounded steps towards a more balanced sense of self and safety in the world - we’re not doing it.
Healing doesn’t happen in a session, and it doesn’t happen in states where we’re extremely activated, excited, triggered or being pushed to our edge. Those moments can sometimes bring us revelation or awareness we didn’t have - but those are NOT the tools that are going to help us feel better long term. In fact, if we are constantly running from one high to the next, we can be sure that we aren’t actually making true progress - rather we’re being stimulated and then dropped off a cliff to seek more stimulation.
If we’re not being given tools that we can integrate into our daily practice that again help us feel more regulated, supported, centered and validated then we’re not being given actual tools of healing.
The wellness and spirituality world is profiting WILDLY off of short term hits of extreme practices that only serve to drive us deeper into pain because they aren’t addressing real issues and they aren’t helping us find calm and regulation.
Check out this video here for more on this
Finding What DOES Work In The Sea Of Scams
So what does all of this mean at the end of the day? That we should stop trying to heal? That pain is inevitable and triggers are permanent and feeling better is a fantasy?
Not at all.
In fact, when we come into connection with real reality, with what’s actually possible, we’re going to find that there is a much deeper happiness and satisfaction possible for us in this life where we still have triggers, pain, challenges and struggles.
When we can allow ourselves to release the idea that perfection is possible, when we can rid ourselves of the shame, blame, guilt and constant striving that comes with this idea of perfect transcendence being possible through enough effort - we can start to see just how much this idea was actually ROBBING us of joy, peace and freedom.
We can start to see where this perpetual idea that we are failing, that we aren’t healed enough, that we aren’t doing enough and that all forms of pain and trigger are bad was actually making the whole situation so much WORSE than it actually is.
When we can release ourselves from the expectation of getting to a place of perfection, we will start to see just how PRESSURE this releases from us. We will start to see that while letting go of the idea that we can be FULLY healed and transcended may be hard - that once we start to actually do the work of letting that idea go, we will start to see that a LOT of the pain we were in that we were attributing to our lack of healing, was actually coming from this resistance to reality.
We are going to start to see just how much pain this striving was causing - and how much lighter we feel when we give ourselves room to be human.
How would it feel for you to really consider the idea that any pain, triggers, struggles or challenges you’re facing in your life are simply a part of your path, rather than being a sign that you’re ‘failing’ to heal the way you ‘should’ be?
Really consider this.
Take it in.
If getting triggered, being hurt or getting upset, facing hardships and having to navigate challenges aren’t a sign that you’re broken, not doing enough or lack true spirituality - can you sense in your body that there’s a release of pressure and tension?
From there, can you shift into a state of realizing that progress is possible. That we CAN take steps towards healing that really do help us feel less triggered, that do help us process what we’ve been through in a way where it becomes less painful, where we can move towards gaining TOOLS to help us work through the challenges we face in life and where we can feel better generally speaking - without expecting perfection?
Can you start to look at your healing, wellness and spirituality not as a path towards complete purity, but rather as tools to help you navigate life when things get hard, and support systems you can set in place to help you slowly move towards less trigger, less past pain and more freedom - with no expectation of how long that should take or what that will end up looking like for you?
What if you were to shift away from looking to perfect yourself and trying to find the methods that will do that for you, towards SUPPORTING yourself and focusing your attention and efforts on those tools and techniques that lead you to feeling better NOW and allowing that to be enough?
Can you zoom back into where you ARE, and instead of projecting out towards this fictional perfect future, can you assess the tools, techniques and teachings that you’re currently using based on how much liberation, joy, happiness and lightness they are giving you in the actual present moment? Can you look for those tools that make you feel seen, validated, supported and nourished, and those that make you feel like a failure, like you’re not doing enough and like you need to continually be in a state of ‘improvement?’
Can you check in and really assess if the tools you’re using right now are actually helping you feel more centered, more empowered, more liberated and like you’re making PROGRESS towards BETTER (even if they are uncomfortable or challenging at times, which healing tools will be!) or if they are just adding to the layers of shame that tell you that ‘you’re not there yet?’
Can you check in with yourself and really get honest - what’s helping you feel supported, seen, validated and empowered, vs. what’s making you feel like ‘transcendence’ is possible if you just do enough and work harder and like you’re perpetually failing?
THIS is how we want to scrutinize our tools.
What is making you feel supported NOW?
What’s helping you make subtle shifts towards better NOW?
What’s helping you feel VALID vs. like you need to IMPROVE?
What’s allowing you to feel good enough as you are and even helping you to NOT buy more things but rather to use the tools you have over a long period of time?
What’s helping you feel more grounded, stable and calm vs. simulated and high?
What’s helping you feel valid in your humanity, vs. telling you that you can trasncend your normal human emotions and reactions to life?
What’s filling your tool-box and giving you a sense of being resourced vs. perpetually convincing you that you need more?
Healing happens in regulation.
Healing happens over time.
There is no perfection, only progress and tools.
If we look at it from THIS perspective, we know we’re on the right track.
Let’s liberate ourselves from the shame, guilt and heaviness that comes with this false promise of perfection, so we can find the actual joy, freedom and lightness that comes with support, validation and progress towards better.
THIS is the path of true healing.
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Are you sick of the self help roller coaster that leaves you constantly striving and never arriving?
Are you ready for a true spiritual path that connects you to yourself and reality so you can feel good about your life?
Then come check out the Mystery School
