On Kindness

Never regret being kind to people - even those who weren’t able to receive your kindness.

You made the world a better place.

Never regret not going into defense, not participating in an argument, choosing not to get drawn into fears and insecurities via lashing out and attacking. 

You made the world a little less volatile.

Never regret not engaging. Letting people get ‘bored’ with you because you don’t play along. Never regret giving people the benefit of the doubt at least a time or two. Never regret trusting even when that trust gets broken.

Starting from a place of assuming the goodness in others isn’t a mistake.

Even when we learn that we’re wrong.

Never regret treating people as though they matter, as though they are trying, as though they are going through things you have no idea about. Never regret assuming that people are doing their best instead of seeing them as being intentionally unkind.

Especially in interactions where we’re not likely to see someone ever again.

We can always balance this kindness with practical tools for self support. Being kind doesn’t have to mean that we put ourselves out there at all times, it doesn’t have to mean that we put ourselves in situations where we’re GOING to be abused. It doesn’t mean letting people walk all over us.

Being kind doesn’t mean being a pushover nor does it mean being blind to people and their character in this moment.

Being kind doesn’t mean that you never speak up for yourself or that you never engage in ANY kind of argument or expression of your own opinion or needs.

Kindness isn’t an abdication of yourself for the needs/wants/expression of others.

Kindness isn’t a naiveté that leads to inevitable heartbreak.

Kindness isn’t synonymous with self abandonment, always going along to get along.

Remember, if your kindness to others doesn’t include kindness to yourself, it’s not complete. 

Many of us learned that kindness means that we have to sacrifice what we want, what’s right for us, what we feel and what we need for others - and this is a kind of codependency rooted in misunderstanding.

True kindness isn’t about doing what others want at the expense of yourself.

This gets tricky because we do live in a world of hurting people, all with different ideas about what's right and wrong, what's necessary and what isn’t, what's good and what’s bad. Many of us have faulty ideas around healthy love - what others should be doing and being for us and vice versa. In many relationships and systems we learned that in order to not hurt someone we have to go along with what is wanted regardless of the negative consequences.

This isn’t actually kindness - and learning to understand the difference between kindness and codependency is a journey worth taking.

True kindness is about seeing what is actually of benefit for all and aligning our actions with that as much as is possible.

Meaning, when we’re actually being kind, we’re going to see where our participation in unhealthy dynamics don’t serve us or the people we’re relating with. We may come to see that those around us aren’t interested in changing their way of being, but that doesn’t mean that WE have to continue to participate in that which is harmful. We may come to see that true kindness sometimes involves upsetting people, taking action steps that don’t make everyone happy and doing what is right LONG TERM vs. what pleases people short term. Sometimes kindness means removing ourselves from dynamics or simply ending our participation in certain patterns even when this means we disrupt the balance of what currently is.

Kindness doesn’t always look like kindness in the sense that it’s not always pleasing.

Kindness is sometimes a brave act of opposing current patterns.

Kindness sometimes means that we put ourselves and what is best for us in the forefront, and realize that although this isn’t going to be what everyone wants right now, it’s what would foster and opportunity for everyone to shift to a healthier way of being - if they so choose. Understanding that just because we shift to something healthier doesn’t mean that those around us are going to follow suit. Some people are simply going to be upset that we messed with the dynamic that was 'working' for them, and they will either replace us with someone who will fill the role we’re stepping out of or they will find a new way of meeting the needs we were meeting without shifting.

We have to learn to be ok with that.

To let people choose for themselves what they are going to do with their lives, without making ourselves responsible.

Kindness means that we understand that we aren’t responsible for others.

That we can’t make anyone shift, and at the same time that we can’t continue to degrade ourselves in an attempt not to disrupt current patterns. We have to be able to balance the compassion we have for others and why they may be doing what they are/expecting from us the degrading habits we’re currently in, with the understanding that continuing to participate serves no one. Not them. Not us. Where we can see that us pulling out of a painful dynamic isn’t CAUSING them pain - rather we are exposing the pain they were already in that we were participating in covering via our past behavior. 

We can take responsibility for the pain that drove US into participating the painful dynamics we’ve been participating in. We can take responsibility for explaining why we feel we now need to make a shift and why we want to do something different. We can empathize with the fact that our shift is going to make them uncomfortable and we can let the other person know what we still deeply love and care for them even though we are now going to be changing how we interact. But we CAN’T take responsibility for the pain THEY are in, for the dynamics that they’ve been participating in/expecting and we can’t take responsibility for whether or not they choose to take your shift as an opportunity to grow or not.

You did not cause the pain that drew them into the painful dynamic you had.

You are not the cause of the pain that will surface once you change.

You are only responsible for changing your participation.

Kindness is not an act of taking responsibility for anything that isn’t our responsibility.

We are not the caregivers of the other adults in our lives. We can’t be/do enough for others to make them perfectly happy or satisfied. We are interdependent. Meaning we care for others, we look for the best option as much as possible, we do what we CAN to support as many as possible without harming ourselves - and we end it there.

It’s ok to realize that some people are never going to be a safe place, that they aren’t going to be able to reciprocate your kindness and to see that in this, boundaries are sometimes the best answer. 

Being kind is not always about giving someone access to you, nor is it about allowing someone to take advantage of you.

Being kind isn’t about continually showing your own vulnerabilities and being open to people who are going to take advantage of you.

Kindness doesn’t come from a place of hoping to manipulate others into being kind back to you. It’s not something we do to try to ‘make’ others do/be something other than what they are. It’s not something we practice in order to get something back.

Being kind is something that comes from a place of deep strength.

It comes from knowing we know how to set boundaries, knowing we know how to recover when we’re ‘wrong’ about someone's capacity to be kind back, knowing we can’t ever really know what anyone else is going through and not expecting ourselves from others. 

Kindness comes from a deep seated awareness that everyone can use a little extra space and time in our current reality, and it comes from a gentle practice of turning any kindness we pour OUT onto others IN on ourselves.

Kindness is an acknowledgment that life is a challenge for all of us.

That we are all doing the best we can with what we know.

It’s seeing the innocence in all beings while also being very honest about the realities of peoples maturity levels and capacity for harm - and aligning our behavior accordingly.

Some people aren’t going to be able to be kind. Some people aren’t going to reciprocate your kindness. Some people aren’t going to be a safe place. Some people are trapped in dynamics that cause harm. 

That’s reality.

Setting boundaries and knowing that people are where they are without having to make them an enemy is an art form. Letting yourself feel what you feel, work through your own emotions and coming to a place of strength in where you will and won’t let people into your life IS kindness. Knowing that people are hurting deep down, not evil, and knowing that this is still a call for being reasonable in your self protection is kindness.

Being kind doesn’t mean opening yourself to abuse, nor does it mean abdicating kindness towards yourself.

It just means living from a place of understanding that people are people - not angelic and not demonic - and knowing that every time you refuse to play the polarity game you create a little more peace here.

Kindness is a gift you give to all of us.

<3

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