It’s so common in our world today that when things aren’t going right for us in life - when we are failing to accomplish our goals, when we are having struggles in our relationships, when our health is failing us, when we are finding that we are not having ‘success’ in the ways we expected ourselves or in the ways that the world expects us to, to feel like we must go into a state of self abandonment or shame.
The world tells us that when we are not ‘winning’ - that when we aren’t leveling up, when we aren’t growing in some external way, when we aren’t meeting our own expectations, that when we are struggling or suffering or finding that we are facing the same familiar challenge over and over without being able to ‘figure it out’ that THIS means that we are bad, wrong, shameful and somehow lacking.
The world then tells us that what we should do is look for how to ‘fix’ ourselves.
It sells us a million and one ways to figure out what we are doing wrong, what is flawed in our nature, what we could be doing better.
It sells us programs, coaching packages, self help books.
It sells us supplements and diet protocols.
It sells us masterminds and therapy sessions and fancy retreats.
It tells us that the solution to our woes is to figure out how we are broken and to work as hard as possible to fix those broken parts so that we can get ‘back on track’ to success.
It tells us that we are sabotaging ourselves because of past trauma. That our nervous systems aren’t properly regulated. That we aren’t committed enough. That we aren’t working hard enough. That we don’t have enough push through.
But not to worry - because we have a solution for that and you can have that solution for only $1111.11.
Or it tells you that in order to overcome this obstacle, in order to fix the problem, you must focus heavily on your flaws, the bad parts of you, the things that are wrong with you and you must FEEL BADLY about these parts. You must OWN that pain, feel that shame, continue to remind yourself of how useless and terrible you feel - and that you should then be able to use this as ‘motivation’ to do and be better.
On the flip side, the world will offer that you should really just give up.
That when these times of challenge arise that there’s no point in carrying on.
You’ve failed. You’re an embarrassment. You don’t know what you’re doing.
You’re an impostor.
It tells you that everyone around you is better than you, has it more figured out than you, is more successful than you. It reminds you to think of all the ways you’ve failed in the past - and why would now be any different.
You can’t do it. You won’t do it.
So you may as well give up.
You may as well just give into the fact that you’re never going to become the person you want to be, you’re never going to succeed, you’re never going to be a winner.
Thus, you may as well just go back to what you were doing before. You may as well let it go. You may as well wait until the stars align or something outside of you changes that makes it easier for you. You should chalk it up to the fact that you’re flawed and there’s nothing you can do about that.
Distract yourself. Consume something. Numb out. Give up.
Shame or abandon.
Fix or give up.
These are the two offerings of our world.
On The Self Love Path, We Know Better
What the self love path offers us is a third way.
An option that isn’t focused on fixing and pushing, on focusing on the pain and allowing that to drive or motivate us, and that isn’t giving up, throwing in the towel or surrendering to the fact that we will never make progress.
The self love path offers us a new kind of response to pain, to failure, to setback.
The self love path asks us to first find some compassion for ourselves.
The self love path asks us to show up for our humanity in all its delicate, changeable, flawed, beautiful potential, and it asks us not to fix, change, berate or shame - but rather to simply arrive where we are and to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.
It tells us that it’s ok to fail, to not know, to have setbacks we don’t know how we’re going to overcome.
It tells us that whatever emotions we feel in the moment are valid. Whatever REAL emotions we are feeling.
It tells us that the shame, guilt and blame are always lies - that we are doing our best and that the first step in ACTUAL progress is to finally give ourselves a SAFE space to BE where we are without the threat of punishment.
The self love path offers us a lifeline.
It tells us that safety is the first step, and that by offering ourselves compassion and making room for ourselves to emotionally process what we are experiencing is that safety.
We start with compassion.
Then the self love path offers us curiosity.
It asks us to process those feelings, to feel the sadness, disappointment, confusion and whatever else we feel with love and validation. It reminds us to center ourselves on the reality that we are always doing what we are for a GOOD REASON - even if we are seemingly ‘getting in our own way’ or enacting patterns that are painful. It reminds us that all things are there to try to keep us safe and even if we need to grow and evolve our patterns that we are only going to be able to do that from a place of safety and support.
And we create that support through curiosity.
What am I needing right now to feel supported?
What feels like a step I can take in supporting myself or asking for the support that I need that is truly available to me in this moment?
What does the me that actually exists right now, need to feel seen, heard, validated and loved?
How can I find just a little bit of regulation, a little bit of what IS working, a little bit of room to breathe, reassess and open myself to what I could learn from my current circumstances?
How can I see that I’m not trapped, and how can I open to the possibilities that I may not even be aware of in this moment?
How can I make it safe to LEARN? To not shame and not give up?
How can I SUPPORT me?
THIS is the new way.
This is the path that self love asks us to walk when we are struggling, suffering and at a loss for what to do.
The world will tell us to shame and abandon. This always leads to us feeling worse and being caught in our patterns and loops.
The self love path says have compassion, process and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Make yourself safe and make it ok.
Then look for support. The most supportive thing you can do. The most supportive step. The most gentle way forward.
And to do just that.
Over and over.
This is the path to freedom.
I hope you know how worthy you are to start walking this new path.
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Are you ready for a true spiritual path that connects you to yourself and reality so you can feel good about your life?
Then come check out the Mystery School.
The school is a 4-5 year self paced program that includes written lectures, videos, worksheets, practices and a community all designed to help you develop a clearer view of yourself, your life and reality at large so that you can better design a life that actually works for you.
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