Hello!
Today we’re going to be wrapping up this series on what it means to live a fully alive life - and I am so excited that you have made it through all of these posts!
Now before reading on today, please make sure you’ve read:
Part One
Today, let’s put this whole picture together, and see if we can establish a clear blueprint that you can use to help you live your fullest expression in this life.
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A TRUE Life Generating Life
This is all a life generating life is.
The willingness to FEEL what isn’t working, to look at the consequences of our actions and the lived outcomes we are experiencing, opening to not knowing, getting curious and compassionate with ourselves and being open to continually adding to our awareness - never assuming we’ve reached the peak of our understanding or the limits of what’s possible.
Staying open to processing our shame, blame and guilt so we can reach beyond them into what we are actually feeling.
Digging DEEP for compassion for ourselves.
Using the logical mind to help us figure out how to apply what our feelings are telling us.
Never believing we ‘got it wrong’ when life doesn’t go how we thought it would, and not believing that reality got it wrong either - but rather LEARNING from what just happened. Asking why? Opening to learning something we didn’t know before. BELIEVING reality and assuming that it is US that needs to shift vs. REALITY needing to shift/there being no answer.
THAT is what it means to be ALIVE.
To keep building.
Finally, I also made lots of room for PROCESSING time. I wasn’t always in a constant pursuit of more knowledge, more awareness, more steps, more forward momentum.
I took LOTS of time to just BE with my feelings and to NOT KNOW what was next.
To BE angry, sad and upset and not have a solution - but rather to just VALIDATE myself.
To BE in the step I had just taken, and to mine it for all the information it held.
To PROCESS anything I had just done without needing to RUSH to the next thing.
Growth requires a LOT of patience and a LOT of learning to be where we are - and that is a HUGE part of being ALIVE.
It’s not all about change and building. Sometimes the BEST thing we can do for ourselves to SLOW DOWN and just BE - so we don’t get overwhelmed with piled up emotions that were never felt and so we can really get the MOST out of what we are going through.
I learned that negative emotions weren’t bad, that pain wasn’t bad and that it wasn’t about blaming myself. It was about feeling, seeing systems, seeing that again a LOT of my pain came from doing what I had been TAUGHT TO DO - I wasn’t evil or wrong or stupid - I was conditioned. That was the compassion part. I had to see where the systems I was living in were the root of my pain - not my ‘personal choices’. I had to see where some of my pain wasn’t caused by me at all - I was born into a sick body I didn’t choose, into a family that couldn’t support me and antagonized me that I didn’t choose. That pain wasn’t my fault. And doing what I could to make it better for myself wasn’t accepting BLAME.
I also had to admit where I didn’t have power. I had to admit where I couldn’t make things better. Where I had no answers or steps right now. Where the solutions I had access to weren’t total solutions but rather just steps in making myself as comfortable as possible within the circumstances that were outside of my control. Not everything could be fixed - at least not in the moment - so I had to learn to have LOTS of compassion for myself in those spaces and how to VALIDATE and PROCESS my feelings without bypassing or pretending things were fine, and without going into spirals of navel gazing and trying to ‘fix myself’ where I wasn’t the problem.
Life can’t be made perfect. We just do what we can, and we love ourselves where we are at our current limit.
It’s complex, and embracing that is key.
Learning That This Was MY Path Not Something I Had To Convince OTHERS To Do
Now, the last BIG piece of this puzzle I want to share today is this.
I had to learn to stop trying to FORCE this way of life onto those around me.
I had to learn that in my childhood I learned that I HAD to try to change the people around me to understand how they were wrong, how they were harmful, why their actions weren’t working, why what they believed wasn’t helpful and how all of their ways of denying learning and life were hurting them - because they were also things that hurt ME.
I had to realize that I had a LOT of trauma that was caused by the misunderstandings of those who had been responsible for me - so I learned deep in my body that if I couldn’t convince those around me that what they were doing wasn’t working and wasn’t going to work, if I wasn’t constantly pointing out the flaws and gaps in logic, if I wasn't’ constantly trying to ‘help them’ that this meant I was going to be trapped in pain forever - because their actions deeply impacted ME, my outcomes, how I experienced life and so on.
Of COURSE there was and still IS a huge part of me that deeply wants the best for others just for their sake. That really wants other to be happy, to be free, to have what they want - and there is a part of me that wants to help people understand, see the error of their ways, to help people connect with reality and their feelings so that they can thrive and have success purely because I want others to be happy. I want others to be well. I want others to experience good things because I deeply believe they deserve that. Of course. That’s why I have made this my career!
But at the same time, I had to learn boundaries as an adult.
I had to learn how to wait to share my thoughts and feelings until I was INVITED to do so.
I had to learn how to share with COMPASSION and GENTLENESS vs. being harsh, blunt and so ‘straight to the point.’
I had to learn that people were GOING to interpret being told that they needed to learn something, to let go of what wasn’t working, that they needed to challenge their beliefs and current views in life as a THREAT a lot of the time - and that building SAFETY FIRST was HUGE key in supporting people who wanted to see in seeing.
I had to realize that others' lives didn’t impact me as much as they used to - and how to slowly disentangle myself from OVER taking responsibility for others and OVER assuming the impact others had on ME now that I was an adult with autonomy.
I had to realize that I could live this way, that I could do what I needed to do, that I could take responsibility for myself and my path with or without the consent of others - and THIS was a BIG ticket of freedom for me. That I as I became more and more of an adult, the less I actually NEEDED the approval of others to be SAFE because I was literally less dependent upon them, and I was moving more and more into a space where their POWER to affect my life was diminished.
In childhood it was deeply threatening to be disapproved of by my caregivers. To do what I needed to do for myself and to be rejected by them really WAS a kind of emergency - because they dictated my experience in a HUGE way.
In adulthood, they could be upset with me all they wanted, and I could still get my needs met. I could still be safe. I could take space. I had to learn this deep in my body.
I had to transition out of the childhood reality where others actions, approval and disapproval and beliefs really DID have a massive impact on ME and MY life, into seeing that I was now in a different set of circumstances where my outcomes were more within my control, and where their lives had less and less impact on mine.
THIS was a MASSIVE growth arc - and one I’m still on.
Learning to see where I start and others end, after being SO enmeshed, is a BIG deal.
Learning to see where my autonomy is, where others still do have an impact on me, where compromises need to happen for my safety and the safety of others - that’s a constant dance. A constant negotiation. It’s not cut and dry and learning to continually check in with where others ARE impacting me and where I DO have to compromise on what I want/need in the moment to be reasonable and safe for myself and others, and where I have the freedom to go my own way now - this is the adult perspective.
I am no longer responsible for others.
I am still CONNECTED to others and have DEPENDENCY on some in some ways - and that’s always something to consider.
But it’s not my job to change people.
I can be disapproved of and still be safe.
I can go my own way and no one has to understand.
I can figure it out as I go and everyone can doubt me and I can still figure it out.
I can offer advice when asked, gently, and with safety in mind.
THIS is the final leg of the growth path.
Where does my life start and end, and where do the lives of those around me start and end?
Where can I be a positive influence just in me no longer participating in things that don’t work without being preachy?
Where can I engage in what does work and SHOW that it works without being preachy?
Where can I support others through just doing the right things?
Where can I let go of needing to be validated and validate myself?
Where do I need to compromise because I am part of a collective?
These are the questions we continually ask ourselves as beings who want to grow.
One.step.at.a.time.
All the complexity, we work with it and learn from it forever.
So with that, I will leave you for this week.
I hope this series was helpful.
<3
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