The reality is, there are a LOT of abusive teachers out there in the world today.
As sad as this is, the truth is we are often at our MOST vulnerable when we’re suffering in some way - when we’re dealing with an illness that conventional healthcare has no answers for, when we’re struggling with our relationships, when we’re deep in coping, numbing or self sabotaging behaviors, when we’re stuck in life in some way where it feels like no matter what we do to try to ‘fix’ things, we just end up feeling worse and more lost.
When we are in these places, so much of the time we are feeling extremely isolated, misunderstood and like we are all alone in our suffering - and this is where toxic teachers enter our lives.
This is where toxic teachers are able to use their skills of emotional manipulation to make us feel deeply heard, understood and validated either through sharing their own ‘vulnerability’ and the fact that they were once struggling just like we are struggling, or where they are able to use their understanding of human emotion to make it feel like they REALLY ‘get’ us in a way that others never have.
Then they swoop in with their ‘solutions’ that often hold many seeds of truth - that DO have the ability to offer us SOME shifts in our state - leading us to believe that they must be ENTIRELY right with ALL that they say - because if they were right about these FEW things, how could they be WRONG about everything else?
They have us emotionally hooked, they have given us that validation we have been longing for, and they have offered us a step or two that really DOES move the needle.
This is where the toxicity usually begins - and many of us don’t even see it happening until we are MUCH deeper down the line.
Today I want to explore how we can identify these teachers that are toxic, how we can protect ourselves from them, and how we can get ourselves out if we have found ourselves already tied in.
This isn’t going to be easy, and oftentimes the resistance in us to the idea that our teachers are toxic is going to be HIGH. And that’s ok.
Let’s work with ourselves slowly and with lots of compassion to see if we can navigate this in a healthy way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Emotional Hook
The first step that most abusive/toxic teachers take in getting people to deeply buy into their methods is usually by utilizing the very most vulnerable parts of ourselves to make us believe that we are being seen, heard and validated.
The reality is, when we are struggling in some way, we usually end up feeling really alone, isolated and oftentimes quite hopeless that there is going to be a solution for us.
This is partially due to the fact that our culture is really prone to rejecting, denying and pushing away anyone or anything that doesn’t represent success, thriving and having everything figured out.
We live in a culture that looks at suffering as a personal failure, and this often leads to us feeling like we can’t ask for help, we can’t ask for support, we can’t express what we’re going through and we have to suffer in silence.
A lot of the time when we DO reach out for help or love in any form, we’re met with judgment, questions of what we are ‘doing wrong’ or outright abandonment - people withdraw, letting us know that our struggle isn’t welcome.
When we reach out to ‘experts’ a lot of the time we are again faced with people who don’t actually know how to help us, who judge us, who leave us feeling like we are just another ‘number’ in the long line of nameless faces that they have had to deal with that day - and we walk away from such encounters with solutions that aren’t solutions, or worse, no solutions at all.
Which means we are forced into a place of suffering alone - and this is a very uncomfortable place to be.
So when we’re scrolling through social media, perusing Google, thumbing through the ‘self help’ section of our local book store or otherwise searching for our answer and we come across someone who either tells us that they too were once where we are and know the pain we’re experiencing, or that they’ve worked with people who have been stuck where we are - our interest is likely to be piqued.
When we hear about the emotional turmoil that they faced that so deeply mirrors our own, listen to their painful stories of going to expert after expert after expert only to be told that their problems weren’t real, were all in their heads or otherwise weren’t solvable, when we see the personal pain that we are dealing with in silence being reflected back to us in the tales of these teachers - it’s incredibly difficult not to get totally sucked in and to feel like we are personally being witnessed through the screen or page.
When we then listen to the ‘after’ descriptions of these people and their clients - how they were able to figure out what THEY needed to heal or what others needed to get out of those deep, dark, lonely and desperate places, our natural instinct is to want to BE one of those people. Our natural impulse is to identify with that struggle, and then to start automatically identifying with the hope being offered - seeing ourselves in the message more and more and more.
Now, along with this connection to the teacher or teaching, there is almost always going to be a group element present. This group element is a MASSIVE part of what pulls us in, and it can’t be underestimated how important this part of the toxic-teacher cycle is.
We are going to start to connect with other people who have struggled like we are struggling or who are struggling how we are struggling, who are also starting to get into this new teaching/work - and we are going to find even MORE motivation to follow along. Not only are we going to be finding that we connect with the teacher or teaching - but the people who follow that teacher or teaching.
The community is going to be so deeply validating, and we are finally going to feel like we aren’t the only one.
This community is going to be a HUGE part of what keeps us pulled in in the future - and it’s likely going to be a BIG part of what draws us in - sometimes even MORE than the actual teacher or teachings themselves. The sense of connection is going to be like water on a dry desert - and we are going to want to lap it up. Whether this group is something we participate in online or in person - the idea that there are others out there who are like us who we can connect with through this work will be deeply important and will feel deeply meaningful.
We get pulled in emotionally, and this is the first and most important part of this process of hooking us in.
We aren’t grabbed by our logic, our reason or anything mental at first - rather it is the very real, human emotional connection that gets us to lean in, open up, let our guard down and to listen with rapt attention.
The Partial Solution
From here, we are generally going to be offered an insight into what the offering is. We’re going to be shown part of what ‘worked’ to bring the teacher from the dark place that we are currently occupying, to that magical ‘after’ land where they have the things we wish to have or where they have transcended the struggle we are still drowning in.
We’re going to hear about the dietary principles, the meditation techniques, the regulation tools, we’re going to be told that there really IS an answer and that is going to deepen our hope that we have finally found the ONE that is going to help us.
These solutions, at face value, are going to be presented in a way that makes them seem almost like common sense. They are going to be explained in a very specific way that makes us feel like ‘yes of course! How did I not see this/put this together for myself?’
The practices, principles and guidelines that we are being pitched, the supplements and other protocols are, at first, going to be presented as being very special, but also as being very logical and reasonable. There will be just enough ‘truth’ in the teaching to make it seem like something we really could have or should have seen before this.
But it will also be packaged as being special in some way, as being something that only the very few, wise, intelligent, truly ‘onto it’ people are really going to ‘get’ - because they aren’t being brainwashed, tricked, bamboozled or fooled the way everyone else is. There will be an element of being told that we are somehow chosen, special or sacred as evidenced by the very struggle we are going through - and this again is going to make us feel even MORE drawn to what’s being shared - because who doesn’t want to feel like they are part of this ‘special group’ of people who ‘really get it?’
More often than not, this presentation of this answer is going to come in the form of demonizing the systems we have been previously looking to to help us heal or by creating a fear of ‘normal’ via telling us about how evil, corrupted and unsafe ‘out there’ really is. It’s going to come in the form of supporting the idea that we are somehow set aside or are truly special, and who doesn't’ want to hear that the very people and systems that have let us down so much in our quest to find health, wellness, balance, love or financial stability were WRONG because they are evil, plotting or dangerous in some way. This adds to the idea that we are on a kind of ‘hero's journey’ and that our suffering means so much more than what it appears to be on the surface.
There’s going to be a general tone that tells us that the ‘mainstream’ this or that hasn’t been healing us, because the truth is that they are toxic, evil, the ones behind our illness or that they are somehow invested in our unwellness. This is going to align with what we may already fully believe or it’s going to offer us a sense of validation so deep that we are going to be very ready to believe this even if it wasn’t on our radar before.
With all of this, before we know it, we’re fully emotionally captivated, we’ve been shown a part of the solution that feels and looks so logical and reasonable, and we’ve been made to feel special, set aside and like we are one of rare ones who really ‘see’ the evil plot of the systems that have harmed us so deeply in the past.
We’re hooked, and this is where the abuse generally begins.
The Program Gets Deeper And The Dependence More Intense
From here, this is where we start to get into abuse.
Once we have been emotionally hooked, once we have been given some tools that DO work and that are generally grounded in something real, once we have had some experience with the teachings/protocols and had some success, once we have been invited into the community of other people who are doing the same work and having similar success - this is where we are then going to be offered the parts of the program that start to cross boundaries.
This is where we are going to be taught things that are generally much more extreme than they need to be, and where the protocols become more and more exclusive.
We are going to start to notice at this point, that those initial tools that worked so well, either stop giving us results, become something we struggle to stick to, or the results start to wear off and we plateau in some way.
The initial ‘high’ wears off, and we start to sink into a place where doing what we have to do becomes challenging, or where doing what we have been offered so far, only takes us so far.
This is where we are going to be told that we are either not doing it right, that we aren’t trying hard enough or worse - that we just need to go to the ‘next level.’
We will be told that the protocol is perfect, that the tools are fully effective, and that what we have been given IS the real deal - and that the only reason it’s not working is because we aren’t trying hard enough.
This is going to feel unfalsifiable in many ways - because there will ALWAYS be things within any diet/physical protocol that we can point to and say that they aren’t perfect and that we just need to be and do better within. There will always be ways that we can question if any mindset/meditation/internal practice is being done ‘perfectly.’ There will always be SOME way in which our human nature is possibly getting in the way of our perfect results - and this will always be something that can be used as a weapon against us.
Rather than a teacher being able to admit that their protocol may not be the FULL ANSWER we need in ALL SITUATIONS, rather than the teacher being able to admit that if we have to stick to things in some exacting, perfect way that the protocol may be flawed, rather than the teacher being able to acknowledge that there may be other tools and techniques we need to add to our healing journey - they are going to claim that the ONLY REASON we aren’t getting the results we want is because WE aren’t doing it right.
Then we are going to look around the community, and oftentimes this message will be confirmed. We will read the testimonials of the other participants, about their perfect results, we will start to hear from other members of the group who suggest to us that we may be slipping up here or there, that tell us that our way of doing things is flawed, and that if we just tweak this or that thing, we will start to see the results we want to see. We will be presented with the group mentality that tells us that we have found our ‘answer’ and that any individual who isn’t getting the perfect, promised results must be the problem - because the teacher/teachings could NEVER be the problem.
We will be contending not only with the teacher telling us that their work is perfect, but also with the GROUP that we have found so much connection and validation within ALSO telling us that we can get better results if we just try harder, do more and commit better.
We will start to feel shame, guilt and blame as we look at our waning results or our lack of perfection, rather than being able to question the protocol or feel like we can look outside of this group for more answers. We will start to feel like if we WERE to question the teacher, the teaching or the group - that this actually feels much scarier than questioning ourselves, our commitment or our capacity.
It will feel WAY easier to blame ourselves than to blame the teaching or teacher - because we have now invested SO much of ourselves in the idea that we have found THE ANSWER - that letting that go, challenging that, questioning that will feel WAY too threatening.
Which is a massive part of how we get abused - when we are in a state where we find it deeply emotionally frightening to question the teachings and teacher, we are in an incredibly vulnerable place.
Again from here, there is almost always going to be the upsell.
This is where we are going to be convinced that that high we felt after the retreat, after the conference, after the in person meeting was the REAL deal, and that we just need to go to MORE events, the next retreat, the next gathering - and maybe THIS TIME the feeling/change/healing will stick.
This is where we are going to be convinced that the initial phases of the program were good - but now we need the NEXT level - the next protocol, teaching, layer or level of work. We have to go deeper.
We will be pulled into the idea that perhaps we need to go to the training and get certified in whatever it is we are doing - and through that we will find the healing we are looking for.
We will be convinced that if we take it farther, THIS will be the answer.
It’s our lack of capacity to do it perfectly that’s the problem, or it’s the fact that we need to do more, go deeper, buy into the next level that is what’s holding us back.
We will be driven deeper and deeper into the idea that THIS IS THE ANSWER, and the community will be bolstering that at every turn. We will be becoming more and more desperate to believe that we have found the answer - and any amount of questioning ourselves we need to do to keep ourselves on the path will be worth it - because coming to terms with the idea that this might NOT be the full picture, may not be the full answer, may not actually be the magical solution we were told it would be is too hard, too scary, too confronting.
Thus, we will be prime candidates for whatever the teacher wants to do from here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let’s take a break from this here, and come back next week to finish our exploration on how this abuse culminates, why it can be so hard to get out, and how we can protect ourselves from ever getting IN or how we can get OUT once we realize we are in something abusive next week!
<3
Are you sick of the self help roller coaster that leaves you constantly striving and never arriving?
Are you ready for a true spiritual path that connects you to yourself and reality so you can feel good about your life?
Then come check out the Mystery School.
The school is a 4-5 year self paced program that includes written lectures, videos, worksheets, practices and a community all designed to help you develop a clearer view of yourself, your life and reality at large so that you can better design a life that actually works for you.
Check out all the details HERE!
