Hello Friend.
Here's the deal, the spirituality and self help worlds have sold us on the idea that we should be able to heal/integrate/transform/get from where we are to where we want to be in a single step.
We've been told by our personal growth guru's that when we're doing it right - we should be seeing massive, measurable change on a regular basis.
We've been sold over and over that transformation is as easy as changing our mind, changing a habit, becoming aware - and then BOOM we should be able to achieve our goals/be who we know ourselves to be/change our lives overnight.
This forces us into a state of 'destination fixation' - where our entire lives become about 'getting over there' - to that place where we think we will have permanent bliss, happiness, purpose, love, joy and freedom.
It forces us into a state where we get so micro-focused on finding THE THING that's going to take us from here to there - that we end up missing the path that WOULD take us from here to there AND we rob ourselves of the joys of life.
This week and next I want to talk about why destination fixation is something we want to move out of if we want to allow for the experience of JOY in our lives, and why doing so is actually the FASTEST way to figuring out the path from where we are to where we want to go. The paradox here is that as we let go of fixating on the goal, we actually find the pleasure we had been seeking in achieving that goal more and more in our lives AND we actually create the conditions for actual PROGRESS towards the goal.
Learning to feel the pleasure of what we're in is KEY to any transformation. So is allowing ourselves to be where we ARE so that we can really learn what we're needing to learn from THIS MOMENT - which then allows us to GROW towards our desired outcome.
Let's start our exploration this week, then find a deeper look next week.
I hope this helps you feel safe to let go of constantly striving to get 'over there' so you can experience the joy of your life now - in all your nows.
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In Reality There Is No 'Thing':
There isn’t ‘a thing.’
There’s no spiritual tool that’s the ultimate spiritual tool.
There’s no experience or therapy or modality that will be ALL we need.
There’s no session or healing or revelation or awareness that’s going to take us from pain to permanent pleasure.
There’s no teacher that has it all. No teaching that is IT. No step we’re going to take that will be the be all-end all of our path.
It’s so common in the self help, spirituality, personal growth world to get wrapped up in the idea of an ultimate transcendence.
We’re promised over and over again that if we just do enough practices, find the right energy healer, get the right therapy, become self aware enough, dive into our shadows long enough, learn to be with our emotions, discipline ourselves, cleanse enough, purge enough, study enough, meditate enough, connect with our true selves enough, heal enough - we will FINALLY be complete. Whole. Fully self aware. Fully in flow at all times. Fully able to see all of life as a blessing. Able to manifest all that we want any time we want it. We will be able to be HAPPY and FREE and feel content all the time. That we will be delivered from the pain we’re in, never to feel it again. Never to be lost again. Never confused again. Never alone again.
We’re promised over and over that there’s a way OUT of the human condition itself. That if we’re experiencing pain, negative emotions, behavior patterns that are harmful, lack of something we want or need - that this is a moral failing. That this is something that CAN and SHOULD be engineered out of our experience - so as to find true happiness. We’re told that we’re Divine manifestations, so of course we should be having nothing but a Divine experience. That anything less that this is akin to sin, and we must get rid of it.
We’re spiritually shamed when we lapse into anger. We’re self improvement shamed when we admit that some of our roadblocks aren’t something we ‘manifested’ or ‘chose’ but are actually a result of genetic, systemic or societal patterns we were simply born into. We’re made to feel less that, inadequate, unspiritual, not committed enough or simply not good enough when we struggle, trip, can’t find the positive, don’t feel we can empower our way out of what we’re in. We’re told over and over by people who claim to HAVE it, who claim to have experienced IT - that financial freedom, total joy in your career, perfect harmony in your relationships, ideal health and complete mental and emotional stability are attainable goals for EVERYONE and if you’re not ‘there’ you’re failing. Haven’t found it yet. Aren’t doing it right. Have to keep pushing, forcing and doing better.
Which sets us up to continually LOOK for THE answer.
This narrative that we are supposed to transcend the human experience sets us up to seek after gurus, teachers, guides, programs and practices that claim to be the answer to deliverance from all that ails us. We feel that if we just solve the problem in ONE area of our lives ie. if we get the body thing sorted out, the financial thing sorted out, the relationship thing sorted out, if we just get rid of our coping or self sabotage - that in THIS we will fix our whole LIVES. We believe there’s going to be a moment where we transcend - and then everything that happens after that is a part of the ‘after’ story - where we never suffer or struggle or doubt ourselves ever again.
This mindset robs us of two very, very important things.
- It robs us of being able to find value in ALL things presented to us: It blocks us from being able to take meaningful STEPS on our path of integration, growth, healing and so on - because we’re so convinced that if what we’re doing is RIGHT it should get us from the bottom of the mountain to the top in one fell swoop. If it doesn’t - we believe we’re doing it wrong and thus we get stuck looping in a single step over and over and over again, waiting for the day when it finally ‘works’ to deliver us OR we give up on a tool or teaching way too early, because we can see that it’s not going to be ultimately transformative, and thus we throw it away as useless.
- It robs us of ever enjoying our moment: It sucks all the capacity to enjoy our LIVES as the journey that they are from us. It robs us of ever being able to taste the joy of our progress. Of seeing the little transformations. Of feeling the little joys present in our reality. Of experiencing what IS good, what IS working, what IS peaceful - even outside the context of our quest for transformation. It makes it so that we become so hyper focused on the ‘end goal’ that we miss everything we’re in NOW. It stops us from being able to relax, stop pushing, stop forcing, stop searching for periods of time so that we can just BE in our lives, as humans. It forces us into a never ending quest for the ‘after’ we think we must achieve before we can experience any relief from pain/joy and in this we never learn to find the joy along the way.
When we’re constantly looking for the ultimate answer - the solution that’s going to deliver us from whatever we’re in to wherever we want to be - the relationship hack, the emotional healing session, the revelation, the diet, etc, what ACTUALLY happens is we become blind to the reality that getting from where we are to where we want to go is going to happen in steps. Phases. We lose touch with the reality that no true transformation - big or small - is the result of ONE thing - but rather is the result of MANY things over TIME. It’s going to be a path where MOST of the steps we take look NOTHING like the end goal. Because getting from where we ARE means taking the steps that are relevant for right HERE - not the steps we think we will take once we are much closer to the end. When we’re constantly looking for that last step, we never get to the last step, because in this case we won’t be willing to take/won’t be able to SEE all the steps we’re going to have to take in between where we are and that last step.
Emotional healing is a journey.
Coming out of codependency is a two steps forward, one step back process.
Learning why we have our coping and self sabotaging habits, what we need, how to change our lives in a way where we can cope less and thrive more - is a spiral staircase.
Finding love.
Settling into a career.
Achieving peace in our finances.
Changing societal structures.
Healing physically.
ALL of these things require time. Many steps. Lots of learning. SO many lessons we didn’t even know we had to learn. Re-wiring, reprogramming, re-learning how to relate to ourselves and the world around us (which is the basis of any true transformation) takes TIME. Energy. Effort. Commitment. Monotony.
We have to remember that we’re not only our intellects. It’s totally possible for us to ‘see’ something intellectually, and BOOM - feel like we should be able to LIVE and ACT and EXPERIENCE from that new place now. But this simply isn’t how we function. As a person, we have many parts, and the nervous system, our programs and patterned responses and the way our lives are set up all need TIME to shift. All need many action steps. Need EVOLUTION - steps taken that build on themselves.
There's No Perfection In Transformation:
Also, transformation is messy.
It’s complex.
It requires that we do things that are helpful in one area and maybe a little compromising in another. It means totally foregoing any perfection we may have projected onto our journey’s so that we can embrace the winding road that growth always is. It involves making mistakes. Getting hurt. Falling down. Bumping up against a lot of ‘no’s’. Thinking we know how reality works only to discover that we were mistaken. Getting triggered in the same way and reacting in the same way over and over - practicing compassion and witnessing and love until the day we’re finally able to do something different. Being rejected. Thinking we’re headed in one direction only to find we’re actually set off in another. It involves LEARNING and UNKNOWN and struggle. There’s no pretty way to go about transformation.
When we look for the perfect step, we’re blocking ourselves from being able to walk the imperfect path that is ACTUALLY the path will transform us where it matters - on a personal, deep soul level, as we journey towards the desired external outcomes.
We don’t climb a mountain in a single step. There is no ONE way to go from lifting 10 pounds to lifting 100. Growth requires time, repetition, a multitude of stimuli. Going back. Going forward.
True transformation never happens in a moment. The growth we seek, the PEOPLE we want to become who can HAVE the things we want - those people need PROCESS.
When we look for THE THING, we will, almost always, cut ourselves off from EVER reaching our desired outcome. Because in the searching for the perfect tool, the perfect step, the most ideal path we will MISS the actual path. We will miss the actual steps. We will ignore the messy. We will write off the things that take us one step forward as un-useful. We will write off anything that doesn’t look like the end goal.
We will forego the boring, monotonous, unglamorous disciplines. We will tire of not seeing results. We will judge the set backs, missteps, misunderstandings and failures as signs that we were ‘on the wrong path’ instead of LEARNING opportunities that are necessary for figuring out what we want to figure out. We will dismiss the very information that’s vital for our path in our MOMENT - what is pertinent for our path RIGHT NOW - because we want the final step. We want the directions for what we should do when we’re a foot from the summit - when we're 300 feet from the summit and need to tackle what’s right in front of us. We won’t see that by doing what’s HERE - we move ourselves forward. By trying to be at the top, trying to do what we think we would do at the top, trying to be what we would be at the top - we never get to the top. It’s impossible. We won’t take the steps to get there. And we’re not there.
Looking for the thing means we won’t do the work of the path - not because we don’t want to. Not because we’re lazy or averse to doing hard work. Many of us in this mindset are working INCREDIBLY hard. Are very disciplined. Are doing what they think is best. There’s a misunderstanding that’s preventing progress. Trying to be at the top of the mountain when you’re not doesn’t get you there faster, it stops you from ever arriving.
Owning where we are and looking for the information in EVERY step is the fastest way to the summit.
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Next week we will dive deeper into the vitally important role learning to ACCEPT and EXPERIENCE and BE IN pleasure serves on our path forward, and why letting go of the destination fixation so we can be in what is GOOD here and now, will actually be the KEY to building that better future.
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