Hello Friend!
For your ease, remember that you can read or re-read:
Of this series above!
Now let’s wrap things up - ushering ourselves into the ‘reality’ of change the best we can, so that we can be open and prepared for the realities of what change requires instead of stuck in resistance leaving ourselves unable to make progress.
The Reality Of Reality
Sometimes we need to realize that life is going to be hard - not because we’re missing something, not because we’re doing something wrong, not because we’re out of alignment or being punished, but simply because life is hard sometimes.
Because systems are harmful sometimes.
Because we don’t have access to what we would need to make things better.
Because we ARE making things better, we are moving in a positive direction, but we’re so deep in the pain that every move from where we are is still going to be a painful move.
Because life is complex and messy and we are never going to see the whole path before we go.
Because being fully prepared isn’t an option and because doing the best we can in the moment isn’t always going to mean avoiding pain and failure.
Because sometimes the way forward is just hard - because it’s hard! Not because of us.
Sometimes the path is hard because the place were starting from is VERY painful, and making progress out of that pain doesn’t mean stepping right into bliss - it means stepping into more chaos and confusion and different pain for a while. It means uprooting the comfort we had in what was working well enough, and then LOSING that to a new way that we DON’T understand yet. It means creating more mess sometimes.
Like being in debt - we are making payments but that doesn’t mean we’re putting ourselves in the green right now.
A lot of the time we don’t move from a bad feeling place to a good feeling place in one step - we move from a bad feeling place into several steps that are also not what we want, but are part of the journey of figuring things out.
Sometimes the first few steps from where we are are going to be steps of disrupting our balance and making others upset - and it’s not going to feel good right away.
Change often means being MORE uncomfortable and confused as we leave the old but don’t really understand the new yet. It means making mistakes. It means trying things that don’t work - and having to keep going instead of giving up.
Sometimes we have to recognize and validate that in real reality, change is hard.
Getting out of our current patterns and building new ones is hard.
Figuring things out through trial and error is hard.
Not giving up when we are confused or don’t know what to do is hard.
Doing the inner work and figuring out where our patterns came from and working to heal the wounds there-in is hard.
Working AGAINST culture and the systems we are living in is HARD.
Being criticized is hard. Being misunderstood is hard. Not knowing exactly what the path is going to look like and having to face challenges we didn’t expect is hard.
Becoming stronger is HARD WORK. Being different than those around you is hard work. Changing yourself within the context of your current relationship dynamics and experiencing the push-back and sometimes total sabotage is really, really uncomfortable.
Becoming a person who can get through all of this, it requires that we realize that we are going to START from a place of NOT being capable of all of this. We are going to be STARTING from a place of unknown and uncertainty. We’re going to be starting from a place where we are more likely to fail and be totally uncomfortable in our first few steps than we are to have success and feel great. We are going to be STARTING from a place of likely having to make mistakes, do things wrong, believe we know what we’re doing only to find out that we don’t - and then we have to keep going PAST all of that to the phases of growth where things get a little clearer and easier.
We have to break past that barrier to entry - those beginning phases where everything just looks and feels chaotic - and that is NOT at all easy.
So to expect that life and change are supposed to ‘flow’ all the time, is to deny reality AND is to short-change ourselves.
Again, we don’t want to get to a place where we are doing the HARDEST thing possible or where we are IGNORING the easy steps that we can take and the joy that is available on the path. We want a balance. We want to seek for the places where there is a more ‘direct’ path and where we don’t have to exert maximum effort.
We also want to HONOR ourselves and our humanity, meaning we want to make sure that we aren’t pushing ourselves past our limits. Because when we try to make TOO much change too quickly, we are only going to trigger ourselves and send ourselves backwards.
We want to acknowledge that we have nervous systems and brains that are going to FIGHT for our patterns, and that the further we take ourselves from our current center the more the body/mind is going to want to ‘slingshot’ us backwards. So we want to be mindful of our capacity for change - and to do just what we have to do and no more. To accept that sometimes life DOES put the pressure on us and we DO have to make big changes quickly - and to learn how to SUPPORT ourselves when that’s the case through lots of love, comforting, self soothing and nourishment, and also realizing where we DON’T need to be pushing as hard as possible, and where we can take LITTLE steps - giving ourselves time in between steps to really ground into the new routine and to allow it to become our new ‘normal’ before we step forward again.
We want to have reasonable expectations, and we want to be prepared that change is going to challenge us - that we are going to have to develop new skills, awarenesses and capacities ON THE WAY - that we are never going to be ready before we go, and that’s the beauty of growth - it’s an on the job thing.
Sometimes we need to realize that this constant seeking of our ‘higher self’, this searching for God, this quest to find perfect alignment - is really rooted in our belief in our incapacity to navigate the difficulties of life. It’s rooted again in our lack of faith in self, our lack of faith in progress, our lack of faith in circumstances changing, our lack of faith that we can be ok. We want God, we want perception, we want a higher self - because we think the only way to be HAPPY is to be somehow NOT human. We feel like we have to get rid of the unknown, the insecurity, the challenge, the suffering and pain in order to have the lives we want to have.
This isn’t true.
You can figure it out, and you can find joy in the mess, and you can get THROUGH the mess while honoring all the emotions and feelings that are going to come along WITH that mess.
The mess is inevitable - and thus so are feelings of fear, guilt, shame, doubt, sadness, chaos and overwhelm.
The key isn’t to try to AVOID these feelings, but to learn how to support ourselves THROUGH them, with unconditional love, compassion, kindness, asking for support, soothing and nourishing ourselves in whatever ways we need so that we can keep going.
I believe that in our spirituality, we’re lacking the support we’re actually calling for. We’re being asked to fill a void with solutions that aren’t solutions. We’re never satisfied, we never feel safe, we never feel how we want to feel no matter how much we seek to improve, how much we try to rid ourselves of ‘bad’ habits, how much we try to dissociate from our emotions or evolve ourselves, how much we attempt to find the bigger purpose and meaning, how much we try to figure out who and what we ‘really are’ - because this isn’t what’s missing.
Transcendence isn’t the answer. Having all the answers isn’t the answer. Feeling fully connected to a God that’s going to give us everlasting life isn’t the answer. Security isn’t the answer. Perfection isn’t the answer.
Least resistance isn’t the answer. No challenge, no struggle, only ease isn’t the answer.
Knowing we can figure things out is the answer.
Learning to sit with our existential dread without allowing it to rob us of our life experience is the answer.
Learning to commune with others so we can work together is our answer.
Learning to support ourselves THROUGH our big emotions is the answer.
Learning to lean on support when we need it is the answer.
Learning to pause and re-group when and where we can is the answer.
Learning to take JUST the steps we need to take and then to regulate is the answer.
Accepting that the process is going to be messy and not expecting perfection from ourselves or life is the answer.
Connecting to God for comfort, support and wisdom without expecting this will lead to perfection is the answer.
Releasing the need for perception so we can have a human experience - with all its growth, messiness, emotion, ups and downs - is the answer.
Life isn’t about finding perfection - an ideal expression - it’s about navigating the constant of change and the unknown. Adapting. Learning. Growing. Expanding, figuring it out.
You can do this.
The security that comes with knowing you can figure it out, and that pain doesn't mean you’re off path, is greater than any fantasy of perfection ever will be,
Does This Mean Change Is Impossible?
Short answer, of course not.
We are adaptable beings and we are capable of shifting and changing.
This is especially true in areas of our lives where we aren’t DEEP in patterns and where we aren’t going to be disrupting our lives in a way that is totally destabilizing for us.
This is especially true when we have community support and people around us who are either making the same changes we’re making, who are on board for us making the changes we’re making or who are already living the lives we are transitioning ourselves towards.
When we are in a lot of pain doing what we’re doing, or when the pleasure of a new way is great enough there is going to be extra motivation for us to do the hard work of change even in the face of everything that makes it hard and uncomfortable.
When we have the tools to support ourselves through the deep discomfort of change, when we are able to bare witness to our own struggles and fears, when we are able to witness the parts of self that are going to be wanting to pull us back to what we were doing before and when we can hold all of this with understanding and compassion while also being able to go forward anyway, we can make serious progress.
When we are able to comfort ourselves, when we are able to see the fear and the resistance that is going to be natural in our change attempts COMING instead of being caught off guard by them, and when we have adequate tools to help us soothe those fears so that we don’t get totally derailed by them, we can really get ourselves to a new place in life.
When we’re able to slowly and gently question our perceptions and all the ways of thinking that we currently have that are supporting us doing what we’re currently doing, and when we have the tools to challenge these perceptions in a way that offers us insight and wisdom but that DOESN’T destabilize us to the point of wanting to withdraw and go backwards - then we are really setting ourselves up for success.
When we can have an awareness of what change is actually going to require of us, when we can have an awareness of the challenges that are likely to come up and when we can be prepared with tools to navigate those challenges - we are creating ideal conditions for ourselves.
When we can embrace the messiness of the path, learn to validate ourselves, and learn to really look for our SUCCESSES, learn to validate our efforts, learn to focus on our progress more than anything else - in THIS we can make serious changes to our lives.
You’re not alone.
Change is hard and a challenge.
The world is often ill-equipped to support us in making big changes and we are often going to face pushback and antagonism as we attempt to move forward.
Our brains and bodies will fight for the old way.
And all of this is ok.
So long as we are willing to be KIND to ourselves, to acknowledge where things are NOT our fault/because of us/a reflection of us, to acknowledge where our power is and to be brave enough to harness that power - even if the forward momentum generated isn’t as much as we want.
We have to be willing to go two steps forward, one step back, because this is how our systems work - and simply not to give up on ourselves as this is happening. To be gentle on ourselves and to not expect perfect progress ever.
We can have an idea of what the path will look like, and then be open to the unknown and the challenge.
Then we just have to keep going.
One step at a time.
What we are capable of in the moment and no more.
You can and you will get there - even if ‘there’ isn’t your ultimate goal, by doing this work you WILL make things BETTER and sometimes that is the best thing available, and I promise you, better is worth the effort even if it’s never going to be perfection - just don’t give up on yourself.
<3
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