There’s a common misunderstanding in the self help/spirituality/personal growth world that is quite pervasive and really toxic.
That misunderstanding is that if we are really ‘doing our work right’ that we ‘should’ be getting to a place where we no longer have any negative emotions.
That if we are really following our path and ‘doing the work’ that this means that we will arrive at a place where we no longer experience anger, sadness, depression, resentment, anxiety, fear, hostility or self doubt.
That if we are really maturing and processing correctly, that this will mean we get to a place where we are ALWAYS able to be open, loving, compassionate and understanding - giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and seeing the good in all people.
That we will get to a place where we no longer get ‘triggered’ by people and their actions, that we can then be around anyone at any time - especially our families! - without ever feeling like we go into defense, get our feelings hurt, put up walls, go into judgment mode, or move from a place of hurt or upset or even *gasp* immaturity.
Many of us believe that we are doing something wrong, failing or otherwise not really doing our spiritual work ‘right’ because we haven’t transcended our normal, human reactions to being harmed, misunderstood, to having our boundaries crossed, to having scary things happen to us, to loss, to the existential realities of being alive and to situations where others really do treat us with disrespect and unkindness.
Many of us believe - and are being told by spiritual gurus - that if we are struggling with our families, struggling with our coworkers, struggling to accept the circumstances of our health/financial situation/social situation/job situation or in any way aren’t feeling safe and secure - that this is a sign that we simply haven’t done our work enough, and that we need to learn to transcend, be more mature and more emotionally stoic and that THIS is ALWAYS the answer to our pain - that it’s NEVER the external world that needs to change and that we NEVER have a good reason for our negative emotions, but rather that all of our negative emotions are a sign of immaturity on our part and the need for MORE inner work.
The truth?
Your emotions are not actually something you need to overcome, nor are they something you are ever going to overcome so long as you’re a human living this human life.
Because emotions are a RESPONSE to REALITY.
They aren’t a good or a bad thing. They aren’t right or wrong. They aren’t even really ‘positive or negative.’
For most of us, the remedy that we’re looking for isn’t in getting RID of our emotions - rather the remedy is learning how to healthfully PROCESS our emotions so that they don’t end up ‘running the show’ or getting stuffed so far down that we have a pile of unprocessed feeling to work through at a later date.
The spirituality and self help message that most of us are getting is that the key to freedom lies in conquering or not feeling our emotions - reality tells us otherwise.
Let’s Look At Pain
Again, once we understand what emotions REALLY ARE, we are going to understand WHY we aren’t going to get rid of them.
To use an analogy, to claim that we need to get to a place where we no longer FEEL anger, sadness, resentment, doubt, fear, anxiety, stress, resistance or any other negative emotion in order to live a life that feels good (which is what we all really want!) is the same thing as saying we need to get rid of our physical pain receptors in order to live a life that feels good.
In real reality, many of us may think that not being able to feel physical pain may be something that could be a positive thing - who wouldn’t want to be able to live free of stomach aches, stubbed toes and muscle tenderness?
But if we think a little deeper and harder, most of us will come to realize that the reality of not feeling physical pain would actually be pretty dangerous.
In fact, we KNOW this is the case because there ARE people who live on this planet who were born with limited capacity to feel pain - and what we know about these people is that their lives aren’t objectively better than anyone else's life - in fact, they tend to be the kind of people who are at MOST risk of grave injury and death, because without the warning sign of pain, you are more apt to hurting themselves and not noticing or getting into situations where their bodies are being harmed in some way and rather than being made aware of that through pain, they keep moving forward with life causing more and more degradation and damage.
You see, pain has a very specific function and purpose in this life. We actually NEED pain as a warning signal for when we are causing damage to ourselves and others or when we are being harmed by something - and when we DON’T have this warning system at our disposal, this means that we are going to be at GREATER RISK of injury, poisoning and death because we aren’t going to be taking proactive measures to stop harm and heal from harm due to not being made AWARE that the harm is happening.
Pain is there to PROTECT us. It’s there to say ‘hey! Damage! You need to do something about this!’
Without pain, we would be setting ourselves up to be harmed, not notice, and then have that harm get worse and worse and worse until eventually it destroys us.
People without pain receptors also tend to be people who end up engaging in self destructive behaviors more than the average person because again, they don’t have the pain signals there to stop them. Not having access to pain means living a life where people end up with serious damage to their bodies, often leading to literal loss of function of certain body parts.
It’s not a good thing - and in fact it could be argued that not having pain receptors is actually incredibly dangerous.
Now, again we can understand on a physical level that when we are stubbing our toes, when we have a stomach ache or when we cut ourselves that the ‘problem’ is not the PAIN we are experiencing. Rather the PROBLEM is the damage being caused by smashing our flesh into a wall, the toxic substance we ingested or the knife making contact with and slicing open our flesh.
The PAIN isn’t the thing that is the problem that we want to get rid of. The PAIN is the MESSENGER that something is causing DAMAGE.
So again, the solution isn’t to get rid of pain receptors. The solution isn’t to try to numb the pain so that we don’t feel it and can just keep doing what we’re doing - the solution is to realize that we don’t want to be banging our toes into things, ingesting toxic substances or cutting ourselves - because if we keep doing those things eventually we are going to cause so much damage that we won’t be able to recover.
The PAIN is not the SOURCE of our problem.
The pain is POINTING to the source of the problem.
We are not suffering because we feel pain, we are suffering because we are being DAMAGED and the pain is just alerting us to that reality.
The PAIN is not the CAUSE of our problem. It’s just the messenger. We don’t want to shoot the messenger. We want to understand the message the messenger is sending us, and we want to respond to that by getting rid of the offending circumstance.
We don’t want to get rid of pain, nor do we want to be the kind of people who learn how to not respond or react to pain. It doesn’t actually serve us to get to a place where we can simply ‘tolerate’ high amounts of pain because again, all that means is that we are no longer going to be looking for the SOURCE of that pain and then we aren’t doing what we need to do to STOP the source of the pain.
Being good at feeling pain and just sitting in it, is no more a solution than trying to get rid of pain.
We of course want to respond INTELLIGENTLY to physical pain - in the sense that of course we don’t want to be in a state where when we feel pain we totally freak out and lose our ability to figure out what’s causing the pain or lose our ability to stay grounded in reality so that we can help ourselves.
Of COURSE there are healthy and unhealthy ways of responding to pain.
Again we can see that short term acute pain is something most of us are pretty good at dealing with. When there is a clear and direct cause of our pain that we can see and understand, and clear and direct solution to that pain that we can also see and understand, most of us have a pretty easy time doing what needs to be done and working through the pain to get ourselves to a state of recovery.
We know how to ice a bruise, how to bandage a small cut, how to nurse ourselves to wellness with rest, fluids and snuggles when we have a cold or a short term illness.
Where things can get tricky and complicated is when we start to deal with pain we DON’T understand or pain that we don’t know how to remedy.
Some of us experience chronic illness and therefore chronic pain - and of course in that it’s understandable to be in a place sometimes where we just want the pain to go away. Where we wish we could stop feeling so much because it seems like we’re in pain ‘for no reason.’
When we are in a situation where we’re suffering and don’t know WHY - this is when we tend to get into a state of feeling like there is no CAUSE and like our bodies are simply malfunctioning.
This is where we can get into states where we just want to do whatever we need to do to numb the pain - because looking for the root cause is either something we don’t know how to do, or something we’ve DONE and haven’t been able to find any answers.
It’s perfectly understandable that when we are in these kinds of situations, we may find ourselves COPING with pain by using substances that stimulate or distract us, using methods of pain killing to drown out the pain, using other forms of extreme stimulation or numbing in terms of long hours spent in front of a screen or doing risky behaviors or just sleeping a lot - because the alternative is to be stuck in that state of pain - unable to find relief and thus being stuck in suffering.
It's in THESE situations - where we’re in pain, don’t know why and don’t know how to get rid of the root - that we are of COURSE going to do whatever we can to numb out and quiet down the messenger - because that is the lesser of the two evils.
When we don’t understand WHY the pain is happening, or even if we DO understand why but aren’t able to actually FIX the cause of the pain so that we are no longer being harmed and thus our pain receptors no longer need to be alerting us with their messages is when we tend to move into coping, numbing, stimulating and trying to silence the messenger.
This makes sense - and in some situations where we really DON’T have any way of getting rid of what’s causing us harm or what’s hurting us this can sometimes be the best we can do - but sometimes this is actually self sabotage and is going to cause us to be in pain LONGER - because we are looking to get rid of the messenger instead of looking for the root and attempting to treat that.
Because again, the pain will stop when the damage stops. We don’t want to just numb the pain if the damage is still being done. We want to fix what’s CAUSING the pain and then naturally, the pain will stop. We don’t just want to numb it forever hoping it will one day just magically go away - so long as damage is being done, there will be pain.
Emotions Aren’t The CAUSE Of Our Pain
This is the EXACT same situation that we find when we look at emotional pain or negative emotions.
You see, our negative emotions are meant to serve as a warning signal that something is out of alignment and that damage is happening. Emotional pain is not the REASON we are unhappy - emotions are there to show us the CIRCUMSTANCES that are causing us to be unhappy, to be unsafe, to be unfulfilled, to be in a state of distress or whatever it is we’re experiencing.
Our emotions are not the problem.
They are the MESSENGER that there IS a problem. Or they are something to be FELT and moved through as we process the complexities of this human life experience.
You see?
Anyone who’s telling you that emotions are the problem, that your anger, anxiety, sadness, resentment, fear, doubt or other negative emotions are the CAUSE of your suffering and that the solution to that suffering is to get RID of the emotion - truly doesn’t understand what emotions are, what their function is, why they exist and what the actual solution to our pain is.
They are selling you a fantasy that doesn’t exist - get rid of your emotions or your reactions to your emotions and ‘boom’ life will be better!
This is exactly like saying if you can get rid of your pain receptors your life will be perfect.
It’s simply not a reality because so long as we exist, we are going to have emotional reactions to the circumstances of our lives, we are going to have emotional reactions to our thought and belief patterns, we are going to have emotional reactions to the things people say to us - because they are just as much a part of our human experiences as our physical pain receptors.
Rather than seeing emotions as ‘good or bad’ or as things that are CAUSING us to suffer - we must start to understand them as guides. They are there to show us what is working, what isn’t working, what’s supportive of our growth and health, what’s destructive, what thoughts are in alignment with reality, which belief systems are in alignment with reality and where we need to adjust so that we can create something better and more functional.
Our emotions are a part of our guidance system and they are there to help us figure out what is true and what isn’t - they are there to be used in conjunction with our logical capacity and our ability to reason and rationalize - they aren’t meant to take OVER logic and reason, nor are they meant to be totally excused in exchange for logic and reason. They are there to help us figure out where logic and reason has strayed from real reality and how we can come back into alignment with what’s actually true - no matter what we have been ‘convinced’ of.
You see, our LOGIC can be convinced that ANYTHING Is true if we feed it enough information/exclude enough information.
Our MINDS can be conditioned to see things in a certain way, to believe that we are either worthy of love or not, to believe that a certain action is the ‘correct’ way to get what we want, to believe that others think or feel something - but the problem is that our minds can be WRONG.
We can be programmed to see life through a certain lens that is actually NOT TRUE - and we can then go about setting up our lives to align with those belief systems in a way that leads us to cause ourselves and other harm - all while believing we’re doing the right thing.
The saving grace in these situations is our emotions. Our ability to FEEL what’s happening, and our ability to feel emotional PAIN when we are living in a way that’s out of sync with reality.
The saving grace in these situations is our emotions that are there to challenge our perceptions, our belief systems and our programs.
For instance, we can be thoroughly convinced that we HAVE to become a doctor or a lawyer in order to be ‘good enough’ and a true success. We can be conditioned by culture, our caregivers and society at large that being a lawyer or doctor is the ONE WAY to have security, to have people like you, to be accepted - and we can diligently go about studying and doing all the things we need to do in order to earn our degree and get a job in one of these two fields.
But we may feel really depressed, anxious, stressed and perpetually mentally and physically drained as we do so.
We may feel like no matter how hard we try, we can’t actually be happy, well balanced or joyful while we do it.
We may notice that the people around us are able to have functional relationships, are able to regulate their food and substance intake, are able to make it through the stresses of school and studying with relative ease.
Where we find ourselves constantly needing to get totally hammered on the weekends, in cycles of negative relationships, and feeling like we are constantly running from an internal sense of doom - and we may perceive that this means there’s something wrong with us.
When in reality, what we actually have here is a situation where our emotions are speaking to us loud and clear.
We are in deep emotional pain as we pursue this career, and we are coping with that pain in ways that we may look at as being ‘the problem.’
Most of us would say ‘you need to get a hold of the drinking and figure out how to have healthy relationships - then you will be happy!’
If we were to do that, we would then find that instead of being happy, we are then actually trapped in a constant and perpetual sense of doom that we can’t escape from.
The spirituality and self help world would then tell us that we just need to be more positive. That we need to shift our focus and vibration. That we need to work on getting rid of that doom by practicing gratitude or developing a meditation practice.
This is actually spiritual bypassing.
In real reality, what ACTUALLY needs to happen is we need to learn to LISTEN to that voice of doom - not in a superficial way but in a DEEP way.
So rather than listening to that voice of doom that tells us to drink and engage in toxic relationships, we need to look UNDER those behaviors to see the emotions that are DRIVING them.
We need to CONNECT with that doom and we need to then use it as a guidepost to help us challenge our belief systems.
Meaning we first need to VALIDATE that we feel that sense of doom, and we need to assume that the doom is not the problem. It’s there for a reason. It’s there to tell us something. It’s there to help us see something we aren’t currently seeing.
We can then shift into COMPASSION for ourselves - so rather than fighting with or giving into the doom, we can instead validate that we feel that doom, that it’s not our fault, and that we are feeling it for a GOOD REASON.
From there, we can open into curiosity.
Why do we feel doom. What is really going on for us?
Which can lead us to questioning if we really WANT to be a doctor or a lawyer or if that’s just what we’ve been conditioned to believe we MUST be.
We can unpack all the familial beliefs that being a lawyer and doctor are the ONLY respectable careers - we can say ‘is that really true?’ ‘Is being a lawyer or a doctor truly the ONLY way to be safe and happy?’ ‘Are there other things that interest me that I would rather pursue?’ ‘Could I survive and be ok even if my family disapproved of my career choice?’ ‘Is the push I feel to pursue this career really coming from ME or is it coming from someone else's idea of what’s right?’
The doom is there to help us see where we are believing something that isn’t true.
It is the same with false beliefs about our worth - most of us will notice if we really pay attention that when we think thoughts like ‘I am not worthy of love’ ‘I’m not good enough’ ‘I need to change myself to become better’ - we immediately feel an emotional sense of heaviness, a weight, like we are being dragged down or like we are contracting on some level.
Those thoughts may appear to be true to us in the moment - we may have a lot of evidence of past experiences that back up those emotions and tell us that what we are thinking is just pure reality - but our FEELINGS are there to let us know that we are actually believing a lie.
Our feelings are there to guide us in seeing that just because something seems true to our logic, this doesn’t mean it’s actually true in real reality. That heaviness we feel when we think thoughts that aren’t true is there to help us question our thoughts.
The truth, even when it’s hard to accept, will ALWAYS lead to a feeling of lightness and rightness. It will feel GROUNDED in the body, and it will usually lead to logical and linear steps that we can take to help ourselves in life.
Untrue thoughts are going to feel scattered, heavy, buzzy or otherwise like they disconnect us from our bodies, and they will often lead us into a state where we have no clear steps we can take and where we are lost in ‘what if’s’ and are unable to figure out any steps forward.
THIS is how the emotions guide us.
Our anger might be trying to tell us where our boundaries are being crossed.
Our sadness may be trying to help us process through the natural steps of loss.
Our anxiety could be showing up to show us where we are focusing on things that we don’t have power over, and where we aren’t taking the power we do have.
Our depression could be a message that we are sacrificing ourselves too much for others, and that we need to learn healthier boundaries.
Our emotions are not the problem.
They are pointing TO the problem.
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Let’s take a break here and come back next week for the second half!
Are you sick of the self help roller coaster that leaves you constantly striving and never arriving?
Are you ready for a true spiritual path that connects you to yourself and reality so you can feel good about your life?
Then come check out the Mystery School.
**Final note - if you are struggling with chronic emotional disruption/anxiety/depression and aren't able to get yourself out or feel you need more support, please do reach out to a licensed mental health care provider. You don't have to do this alone and sometimes we CAN'T do it by ourselves. There's no shame at ALL in asking for support when you need it! Take good care of you.**
