If you’re a human who’s alive and breathing - chances are starting new things is a challenge.
Chances are that even when you are really WANTING to do something new, when you have the best of intentions, when you know that the new thing is going to be good for you and when you can see the benefits that the new thing is going to bring into your life - there is still a part of you that resists, procrastinates, pushes back and feels overwhelmed by the process of getting going.
Perhaps you are more the kind of person who is great at getting started - but then finds that the follow-through is what you struggle the most with.
We all have an awareness on some level that in life we are going to have to challenge ourselves to go beyond our comfort zones in order to experience what we’ve never experienced before.
Many of us know that in order to get a better career, in order to improve our relationships, in order to show up better for our bodies, in order to develop self love or in order to grow into aspects of ourselves we KNOW are there but that we haven’t been able to express yet, that we are going to have to try things we’ve never tried before.
We know on some level that we are going to have to learn a new skill. That we are going to have to develop new ways of communicating. That we are going to have to pursue interests and passions we’ve historically not given ourselves time for. We know that we are going to have to take a risk.
Even when we really WANT to do the new thing, even when we feel internally motivated and inspired - we may still run into the reality that when push comes to shove - actually getting ourselves to DO the new thing is really, really hard.
Perhaps there is a voice in your head that is constantly there to remind you that you are probably going to fail, that it’s not going to be worth it and that stepping out is likely just going to lead to more pain.
Maybe we tell ourselves that doing the new thing is only going to set us up for disappointment, because what if we put in all the effort of trying the new thing, doing the work, being uncomfortable - and it DOESN’T give us what we wanted? What if it doesn’t lead to the relief, joy, better life we were hoping it would? What if we expend all that energy and then end up having nothing to show for it?
Perhaps there is a part of you that believes that unless you have the WHOLE PATH figured out, unless you are able to predict the entire trajectory from where you are now to where you want to go, that it’s not worth even trying.
Maybe you fear looking stupid, making mistakes or otherwise being judged or criticized for your efforts and this feels scarier and worse than just staying the same and keeping your head down.
Perhaps you get overwhelmed with figuring out exactly HOW to start and WHERE to start. Perhaps you really want to get going but feel like finding those practical first few steps feels impossible and overly complex to the point where you just get trapped in inertia.
Maybe again you are good at getting the ball rolling, but once you do you find that there always seems to be something that comes up that thwarts your progress and knocks you off your path.
If any of this resonates with you - I want you to know that you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you.
This is pretty much the universal experience of change. You aren’t failing, there’s no flaw in you and you’re not just ‘bad’ at doing what you need to do for yourself.
Rather you are expressing what it means to be a human with a natural and normal self protective instinct!
Today I want to give you some practical tools that you can use when starting a new project or pursuing new ways of being that I hope can help you simplify the process, can help you work through the resistance and can help support you in getting to a place where you feel like you’re able to work with and through those negative voices that pop up to stop you on your path of forward momentum.
This stagnancy and fear is normal, but we can do something about it!
Compassion First: Whenever we are feeling resistance in life, whenever we are feeling that deep pull to NOT go forward, to not engage in what’s ahead of us, to not push through our fears and to stay huddled where we are, the very first thing we need is NOT to be bullied, not to be shamed, not to be told that there’s something wrong with us and not to be guilted into action.
We don’t need to be told that we’re being silly, that we’re lazy, that we’re broken or that we ‘should’ be able to do something we don’t feel capable of doing right now or that we should be able to feel a way that we don’t feel.
Rather, what we actually need in our moments of doubt, our moments of resistance and our moments of fear is COMPASSION.
Now, I realize that *most* of the hard core self help/motivational speakers out there are going to say that when we are stalled, when we are in resistance, when we are facing doubt and insecurity and when we are struggling to get our butts up and out that we need to be HARD on ourselves.
That we need to remember our WHY and just push through.
That we need to realize that we are just holding ourselves back and sabotaging ourselves.
That we are ruining our own chances of success with our ‘limiting beliefs’ and that we need to just stop that and get going.
This kind of ‘tough love’ approach may help us feel motivated for a moment or two. The shame and blame of this - even when framed as positivity and ‘realism’ - will, for a moment or two, likely stimulate us into some sort of action or at least contemplation of action.
But long term, most of us are going to find that this kind of self-talk and attempt at ‘pushing ourselves’ almost always leads to MORE shut down, more resistance and more fear.
This is for a very good reason.
You see, when we are attempting to do something new, we are already going to be activating our survival instincts that tell us that ‘same = safe.’
We have to remember that we are the product of our evolutionary past. And for MOST of human history the BIGGEST threat to our safety, survival, provision and getting our needs met was THE UNKNOWN.
For most of our time here on the planet, the BEST thing we could do for ourselves in terms of staying safe was to establish a predictable routine, and to then stick to that routine as much as possible.
Circumstances changing - new people coming into our community, weather shifting, animal migration, new environments and new predators - these were all things that threatened our capacity to predict our environment and thus our capacity to get our needs met within our environment.
In our modern world this is still how things are generally speaking. We are much better at getting into a familiar situation and working that familiarity to our advantage than we are at constantly adapting to new and changing environments.
The reason we all resist change is not because we are ‘sabotaging ourselves’ or resistant to growth - the reason we resist change is because change is a THREAT to our survival!
Until we can fully learn about the new environment, until we can get to a place where the new becomes predictable, chances are we aren’t going to feel ‘safe’ within it - even if that new environment is objectively better and safer than the one we came from - because at least in the old environment we knew what to EXPECT. We knew how to get our needs met to the best of our ability within what was - and that security is then taken from us when things change.
Thus, we have to understand that change - any change - is likely to make us feel insecure and resistant at first because we want to SURVIVE!
This is why COMPASSION is actually a much better motivator than pushing, forcing, shaming or blaming.
You see, when we push, force, shame and blame ourselves, we are actually driving ourselves into a DEEPER state of fear.
When we feel that we aren’t being loved, that we are doing something ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’, when we feel like we’re being judged as a failure or otherwise as lazy/stupid/self sabotaging or whatever else - we actually feel even MORE insecure than we did when we were just facing something new.
Now we feel not only afraid to do the new thing, but we also feel like we are being abandoned and told we are bad!
This shuts us down even more, and drives us even MORE into wanting to simply do what we’ve always done.
Because to us, ‘same = safe.’
So when we feel triggered, when we feel abandoned, when we feel shamed and like we are being made to feel bad and wrong - we actually trigger an instinct to double-down on what we are already doing - because we know how to predict what we are already doing. We know how to navigate what we are already doing. We know how to keep ourselves SAFE within what we are already doing.
The shame, blame, guilt and pushing actually makes it HARDER for us to motivate ourselves to do something new, because it makes us feel even MORE insecure, unsafe and like doing our normal routine is the best option.
Thus, we want to shift this pattern so that we can experience a sense of relative safety.
We want to move into compassion for ourselves because when we feel compassion, we feel understood. We feel valued. We feel loved and like we are going to be ok. When we feel compassion, we literally shift our nervous systems out of that state of fear and into a state of more grounded awareness. When we feel compassion we are actually MUCH more likely to be able to WANT to do something new, venture into the unknown and to try something we’ve never tried before or never succeeded at before - because we DON’T feel like love and therefore safety is going to go away.
Compassion is the secret ‘key’ for true motivation.
Therefore, step one when we are facing any kind of resistance is NOT to push ourselves or shame ourselves, but rather to give ourselves COMPASSION.
It makes sense that we’re scared. It makes sense that we don’t want to do it. It makes sense that we have resistance.
Change is scary and hard and uncomfortable - and that is ok! That’s not our fault. This doesn’t mean we ‘can’t’ do anything new or that we are never going to challenge ourselves - it just means that we’re going to START from a place of INNER SAFETY as a way of giving ourselves some new foundations from which to work forward.
A foundation of safety and love.
So can you make it OK that you feel scared, that you feel resistant, that you don’t want to do it? Can you have compassion for yourself that this is normal, natural and just your way of trying to keep yourself safe?
How does this shift your perception of yourself and your perception of what you are trying to do?
If you just make it OK that you feel scared - what happens?
If you shift from forcing or giving up - to looking to SUPPORT yourself - how does this transform the situation?
Can you just lean into that and see what happens?
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Alright, let’s take a break here, and come back next week for the rest of the steps!
<3
Want more tools like this?
Check out The Mystery School Here
