Learning how to validate our current emotions, current perceptions, current feelings and current state of being and holding ourselves with compassion as we do this is an incredibly healing skill to learn.
Being able to witness ourselves in our triggers, in our big feelings, in our patterns of self destruction or in any other form of ‘unideal’ feelings/behaviors and rather than going into blame, shame and self judgment being able to understand where our patterns came from and giving ourselves deep respect and love will be one of the most profound experiences we ever give ourselves.
Being able to see that we aren’t broken, flawed, messed up or reacting ‘wrong’ - but rather that we are exhibiting thoughts, feelings and reactions that are totally in alignment with either real reality or with how we have been conditioned/what we experienced in the past will give many of us the freedom we are seeking from the shackles of the belief that we are weak, lazy or otherwise ‘bad’ for being who and what we are.
This validation work is a HUGE key in learning to understand ourselves, in seeing why we are the way way are, in seeing that we didn’t cause ourselves our own trauma and seeing that we aren’t just ‘messing our own lives up’ or being oversensitive.
Along with that, there is incredible power in learning how to QUESTION our programming, conditioning and ways of seeing the world that are leading us to act in ways that may not be the most supportive and beneficial.
There is a lot to be said for learning how to see when we are in a ‘flashback’ or when we are projecting a reality that isn’t actually happening onto our current circumstances, and where we are being driven into fear-based actions that aren’t actually going to serve us in the long run.
Being able to challenge our false perceptions and beliefs, being able to witness our emotions and use them as guides to help us deconstruct the belief patterns we have that aren’t true and learning to see reality in a new, non-past based way will give us so much capacity to improve the quality of our lives.
The problem here is that oftentimes it can feel like these two actions are at odds with one another.
It can feel like if we are going to validate ourselves, this means we can’t be questioning what we are seeing or feeling.
It can feel like if we are questioning what we’re seeing and feeling in order to find solutions and a path forward that feels better, that we are then inherently stepping into self denial.
So how do we use BOTH of these tools at once, so that we can both feel safe, heard and validated AND so that we can evolve and find new ways of being that work better than our current ways?
That’s exactly what we’re going to explore today.
Compassion First
The biggest thing to understand here is that we want to take this work in PHASES.
When we are hurting, triggered, experiencing big emotions or otherwise in a state where life hasn’t gone our way and we aren’t feeling GOOD - the first thing we need is kindness, love and validation.
When we find ourselves responding to life in a way that we would usually beat ourselves up for - when we notice that we are triggered and lashing out, going into people pleasing, catastrophizing, having deep feelings of anxiety, freezing or otherwise feeling out of control in our emotional/mental response - having an internal dialogue that tells us that we are bad, broken, that we shouldn’t be reacting this way, that we are immature or not spiritual enough, all of this sets us up to feel shame and guilt, which will then drive us DEEPER into our current way of being.
Because we have to remember that those automatic responses are responses we have LEARNED via CONDITIONING.
They aren’t something we are actively choosing. They are automatic responses to the perception of threat - which means that the WORST thing we can do for ourselves is to give ourselves even MORE feelings of not being safe by rejecting ourselves, telling ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling how we are, by telling ourselves that we are wrong, bad or broken or otherwise blaming and shaming ourselves.
These actions might FEEL like what we have to do to change ourselves and fix ourselves, but in real reality, it is that deep feeling of being rejected, misunderstood, unloved, uncared for and unsafe that is CAUSING us to react and respond how we are - so more of the same is only going to drive us deeper into what we’re currently doing.
The actual remedy, the actual solution, the way we give ourselves the ability to step into our power, is by making ourselves feel SAFE.
We must shift into a state of self love, acceptance, and compassion in order to shift the needle away from our deep fear state into something more open, expansive and aware.
“I’m not broken, wrong or bad. Even if I don’t understand myself right now, even if I don’t understand WHY I’m doing what I’m doing, I know I have a good reason for why I’m doing what I’m doing.”
That’s where we want to start.
Validation - What Does This Mean?
From here, we want to start to ask ourselves what we’re ACTUALLY feeling in the situation we’re in.
What’s triggering us?
What are we perceiving is happening?
What is so scary for us about what we think is happening?
What do we think is GOING to happen based on what’s currently happening?
Where did we LEARN to respond the way we’re responding? How is this current response something that our brains and bodies think is going to save our lives and keep us safe and protected?
Is there an actual threat in our current reality that we are responding appropriately to? Are our boundaries being crossed? Are we being hurt or harmed in some way? Did something happen that is truly dangerous or otherwise terrible feeling?
These can be difficult questions to answer - but the more we have compassion for ourselves, the easier time we’re going to have in answering these questions.
Starting with what’s happening presently and working our way back, we can work through these questions like this:
What just happened that triggered me? What caused me to react in the way that I did? What caused me to go into my behavior pattern? What caused me to feel my big emotions?
- Was I rejected in some way?
- Did I have to stand up for myself and this upset someone?
- Was I asked to do something I didn’t want to do but felt I couldn’t say no?
- Was I overwhelmed and stressed?
- Did I just spend all day/week in a working or home environment that stresses me out or makes me feel unsafe or dissatisfied?
- Have I been in a situation where I have felt isolated and alone?
- Did I get sick or have something else happen that made me feel insecure and unsafe?
- Did I get into an argument with someone that I rely upon?
- Did I get looked at or spoken to by my boss or someone at work that made me feel that my position was being threatened?
- Did something happen with a loved one that made me feel like their love was going away?
- Did I express in a way that I think was ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ or embarrassing in some way?
- Did I feel like someone I loved was pulling away from me?
- Did I look at my body and perceive that it was not acceptable in some way?
- What triggered me?
Now what made me feel UNSAFE about what happened to me? What made me feel out of control? What made me feel helpless? What made me feel insecure? What made me feel like something bad was going to happen as a result of what happened?
What was the deeper trigger?
Was I afraid I was going to be rejected? Treated badly? Hurt by someone? Was I afraid my source of income was going to go away? My source of connection? Was I afraid that my express was going to mean I am going to be alone forever? Was I feeling like there was no way to escape the pain or the discomfort of whatever I was in other than to numb out or suppress? Did I feel like if I didn’t fix myself, I would never be loved/safe/approved of?
From here, you can start to explore how the current situation may be reminding you of a past situation where you really WERE out of control, where the pain you were in was something you couldn’t fix for yourself, where you were trapped, where love and provision did go away.
Was there a time in your past where your caregivers really DID pull away from you and make you feel like you were going to be abandoned, and this current situation is reminding you of that?
Was there a time in your past where you were trapped with people who were hostile towards you and there was nothing you could do to get out of it?
Were there times in your life where saying no really was impossible? Where you didn’t have the capacity or power to stand up for yourself?
Were there times in your life where expressing in certain ways DID lead to you being abandoned, shamed, rejected and denied love or safety?
Have you experienced ‘the rug being pulled out from under you’ in the past - leading you to feeling like you now need to be constantly on guard and looking for potential threats?
Have you been in situations in the past where others' bad moods really DID lead to you not being loved, seen or heard, or where you were then abused or made unsafe in some way, leading you to not feel like you need to be responsible for how others feel in order to protect yourself?
Were you expected to behave in certain ways and to achieve certain things in order to be loved and approved of or did you hope that if you did achieve certain things that this would get you the love and approval you wanted?
Were you abandoned in your feelings in the past or made to feel like your feelings were ‘dramatic’ or not important?
Were you abandoned in your pain and not given the support and security you needed?
Are you CURRENTLY in a situation where you aren’t being supported, where you’re experiencing hostility, where you don’t feel like you can set boundaries or where you feel out of control in terms of making yourself safe?
Can you investigate into your current moment AND your past to help you better understand WHY you are responding how you are, why you’re feeling how you’re feeling, why you have the patterns that you do and why you have the perceptions you have?
Can you open to the idea that how you’re feeling, responding and behaving make sense in the CONTEXT of what you’ve experienced?
Can you have compassion for the fact that at the end of the day, you are doing the best you can to try to keep yourself safe, with what you’re perceiving and with how your body and nervous system have been programmed to react and respond to life?
Can you have compassion for the fact that in the past when painful things happened you likely DIDN’T have the autonomy to make it better in real reality, so you had to develop coping strategies like self hate and rejection, fixing yourself, numbing and suppressing your feelings, people pleasing and so on to try to get yourself as much safety as you possibly could?
Can you see that you are just doing your best to try to keep yourself safe, and to get your needs met in the only ways you know how right now?
THAT is what validation is.
How you are feeling and responding make sense in the context of your experience.
This is phase one.
You are feeling and responding how you are for a good reason, there’s nothing wrong with you. This makes sense and you can be nice to yourself.
THIS is the work we do, so that when we start to look for solutions we are doing so from a place of clarity on what we are ACTUALLY feeling, what we NEED and how we can support ourselves.
This takes us out of the childhood perception that our pain is happening because we are ‘broken’ and bad and need to fix ourselves, or the childhood perception that tells us that we are powerless to change anything.
We do this investigation so that we can then come into our ADULT perspective, and do ACTUAL problem solving.
Finding Solutions - Challenging Our Perceptions
From there, what most of us are going to find is that as we validate ourselves, as we come to a place of learning to really see why we think what we think, why we feel what we feel, why we are perceiving life how we are - from that place of feeling safe and supported we are then going to be released to grow where we need to grow.
We are then going to find that we have the capacity to challenge our current perceptions of reality and what’s actually happening.
We are then going to be able to see where we may be projecting a past experience onto our current reality - and how that may be affecting our ability to see what’s REALLY happening in a clear way.
We are then going to be able to see where we may be misunderstanding or misinterpreting others and their actions - making them mean things that they don’t in fact mean.
We can start to look for where there may be solutions and ways forward that will allow us to feel better vs. feeling like we’re trapped and have no autonomy.
You see, for many of us, when we try to ‘jump’ straight into problem solving/looking for the solution to our issues BEFORE we take the time to validate ourselves and understand where we’re coming from and why - we are going to get trapped in blame and shame.
We’re going to move into a state of seeing ourselves as the ‘cause’ of all of our problems, and we are going to get trapped in that state of feeling like the solution to our issues is to fix ourselves.
We are going to be feeling like if we could just be less emotional, if we could just feel differently, if we could stop doing our self destructive habits, if we could stop people pleasing, if we could be more assertive, if we could do this or that better or differently that THAT would solve the problem.
Or we will get stuck in feeling like there is no solution, there is no way forward, and we are powerless to change anything.
These are both childhood coping mechanisms that we took on in a time in our lives when we really DIDN’T have control over our circumstances, where the love of others was vital for our survival, and where adapting to what we were in was the only way forward, because we really COULDN’T change what was happening around us to make it something more conducive to our thriving.
So when we are stuck in that ‘I am in pain because I SUCK/there’s something wrong with me’ place, or when we are trapped in the ‘there’s no solution here I have no power’ - we know that what we need FIRST is SAFETY.
We need to be understood. We need to be loved for who and what we are right now. We need to take the time to go through everything from the last section - to understand ourselves, see where we are coming from, understand our own innocence and how what we are going through now may be triggering a past experience.
Then once we have done that, we will THEN be able to step into our ‘adult’ minds, our adult perspectives, and from THERE we can work REAL problem solving.
From there we can start to slowly unpack our own perception, projections and points of power to find what is a true way forward.
We can start to say ‘ok, maybe I’m not loved or liked by everyone around me - and that can actually be ok. I don’t need to be fully loved by everyone to be safe. So in this situation what do I NEED and where can I provide that for myself, or where can I see that it still exists even if others don’t like me/are upset with me?’
We can start to say ‘Even if I were to lose this job, I could find a new one. Even if my boss is upset with me, I can figure out why and we can come to a solution together. Even if I am not fully secure in this role, that doesn’t mean I’m doomed and will be out on the street today if something goes wrong.’
We can start to say ‘Maybe the dynamic I am in in my current relationship isn’t working for me. Maybe I need more support. Maybe I need to ask for clarification on what someone meant when they said what they said or did what they did. Maybe I need to communicate that I am feeling a certain way when those I am relating with say or do certain things, and I need to have a better understanding of what they meant or to draw a boundary.’
We can start to say ‘This is triggering me because it reminds me of a past situation where I really DIDN’T have control, but I can now see that in my adult reality, things are different. I now have power I didn’t have before. I now have steps I can take that I couldn't before. I can now stand up for myself where I couldn’t before. I can now ask for things to change where I couldn’t before. I can now LEAVE if I want to where I couldn’t before.’
We can start to say ‘I am leaning on my coping mechanisms right now because I am feeling tired/overwhelmed/scared/lonely/unsafe/dissatisfied/unable to express my real self. So what do I need right now to feel supported? How can I show up for myself in a different way? How can I ask for support? How can I look for a new way of being here for me? Where do I need to change things in my life so that I end up feeling this way less?’
We can start to look for all the places where we aren't trapped.
We can start to assess where we may need to support ourselves differently.
We can start to challenge our thought loops, so that we can get deeper into what we’re ACTUALLY feeling, what we are ACTUALLY needing and what we can DO about that in our real reality.
This is not easy work.
This is often going to take a lot of time and effort to get into - which is why we stick with the validation and understanding phase for as long as we need to until we are fully out of that ‘shame’ and ‘hopelessness’ place.
When we can finally see that we are valid in our feelings, responses and perceptions, when we feel safe that we are not broken and that looking for solutions doesn’t mean that we are admitting that we are broken and were ‘doing things wrong’ before - THAT is when we are ready to step into our adult perspective and to start looking for our power.
Then we can challenge our perceptions without going into shame.
Then we can start to look for where we need to SUPPORT ourselves in a new way, vs. looking to FIX what we think is ‘wrong’ with us.
Then we can do the work of finding our power and our steps without making that mean that we were wrong or bad before.
THIS is the process.
One step at a time.
We validate and make sense of our current way.
We come out of shame and blame and out of hopelessness.
THEN we start to look for the way forward.
This is what it means to validate, and then do the work to look for solutions.
In that order, so that we don’t get caught in loops of fixing ourselves.
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Are you sick of the self help roller coaster that leaves you constantly striving and never arriving?
Are you ready for a true spiritual path that connects you to yourself and reality so you can feel good about your life?
Then come check out the Mystery School.
