Hello!
If you’ve not done so already, I highly recommend you go back and read Part one of this post before you dive into this week's content. It will provide some important context and background information for what we’re going to dive into today.
Today, we’re going to be looking at how we can make ROOM for the parts of ourselves that wonder ‘what if’ in terms of our past and what could have happened if we had made different choices in life, without using our CURRENT awareness as a weapon to blame ourselves for things we couldn’t have possibly known at the time when we actually made the choices we were making, and how we can start to see that even if we can NOW look back and think that we could have done things differently, at the time when we were ACTUALLY making our choices there’s a good chance that we really couldn’t have done anything other than what we did.
This is deep and it can be really tempting to lose the plot and go into self-blame and shame when we are looking at our past and how we feel things could be now if we had made different choices - which is why I feel like this article is SO important.
So let’s dive in, shall we?
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Don’t Use Your Hindsight Against Yourself
One of the most common pit-falls that we’re going to experience when we notice ourselves wondering ‘what if’ about the lives we could have lived and the choices we could have made, is the pitfall of allowing ourselves to look at the information we NOW have about what happened based on the choices we DID make, and based on what we NOW know we ‘could’ have done differently and to use that as a weapon against ourselves.
It can be so difficult to really put ourselves back in the shoes of the person we were when we were making the choices that we did, and it can be really challenging NOT to take what we NOW know and apply it to the ‘us’ that used to exist.
It can feel like NOW it’s so deeply obvious that we should have done something else, that we could have done something else or that an alternative choice would have been better - but for the most part, if we are truly honest with ourselves we’re going to notice that the only reason we know that is because we’ve lived more.
The only reason we know what we know now is because we did what we did.
The only reason we know what we know now is because time has passed and we’ve had longer to gather information.
The only reason we know what we know now is because we’ve had experiences that our past self hadn’t had yet.
The only reason we know what we know now is because we’ve lived more. Observed more. Experienced more. Discovered more.
What we know now is not actually information we had at the time in the past when we were making our choices.
Even if we can look back and see that we had an inkling that what we were doing wasn’t the optimal choice or can feel like we had a sense or that we DID know that what we were choosing wasn’t ‘right’ and that we ‘should’ have chosen something else - we only have the deep sense of knowing we were right or that those feelings were correct NOW because of experience.
We didn’t have that confirmation back then.
Back then it was just a feeling, a possibility, a potential and an intellectual idea.
What you know now, what you’re sure of now, what you’re aware of now - that all came to you because of time. You didn’t actually know back when you were making your choices.
Also, you now have the benefit of SPACE. Space from whatever emotional state you were in at the time of making your choices, space from any of the time pressures you were under, space from any of the input from those that were around you at the time and space from the actual state you were in when you were making your choice.
You now have the benefit of DISTANCE from whatever was going on in your life at the time, which likely means that you are not in the same head space, the same emotional space and the same physical space that you were when you made the choices you made.
ALL of this has a profound impact on what you may choose NOW if you were making the choice you made in the past, right now.
But you’re not making the choice you made in the past right now - you were not who you are right now, you were not in the state you’re in right now, you were not in the circumstances you were in right now and you didn’t have the awareness that you now have back when you were making your choices.
Thus, you can’t actually say with certainty that you should have made a better choice and that you simply messed things up for yourself for no reason.
If you are in a state where you’re looking back and you’re noticing that you’re really feeling like it was obvious at the time that another choice would have been better and that you simply failed to make that choice because you’re flawed, were stupid, were weak or lacked some capacity - I really want to challenge yourself to ACTUALLY put yourself back in the space you were in when you made the choice you made.
I want to challenge you to remember what you ACTUALLY knew at the time - through experience not just in your head as a concept. What had you ACTUALLY been through at the time that could have supported you making an alternative choice?
This is an incredibly important exercise to do because the truth is, we are experiential learners. We can have all the concepts, wisdom, ideas and awareness in the WORLD in our minds - and it can really feel like that mental awareness should be enough to govern our choices and actions - but at the end of the day, it simply isn’t.
We don’t REALLY know what we know and we can’t REALLY say we’ve fully learned something until we’ve had an actual experience.
Meaning, even if you can look back and see that there were parts of you that had awareness of alternative choices and parts of you that ‘knew’ that what you were doing may lead to harm - unless you had actually been THROUGH something that had proven that to you - you didn’t really KNOW. You didn’t really understand.
Now that you have had EXPERIENCE you know. But back then, it was only a concept.
A concept is, generally speaking, not enough to drive our behavior.
Even if you knew in your mind, you didn’t know in your body and thus the likelihood that you were going to be able to act on the mental idea is very, very low.
You did what you did based on the EXPERIENCE you actually had at the TIME - not the experience you NOW have.
Then again, I want to challenge you to put yourself back in the same mind/body/emotional/circumstantial place you were in when you made the choice you made - and deeply consider how HARD it would have been to actually make a different choice.
Instead of projecting onto your past self who and where you are NOW, can you go back to who you were THEN and really take in how much harder it would have been for your past self to do what you are thinking you could have done?
Remember, back then you didn’t have the experience and knowledge you have now, you didn’t have the confirmation from life that you have now about alternative options, and you didn’t have the space from the emotions, thoughts, feelings, pressures and circumstantial realities that you have now.
Can you remember the pressure you were under back when you were choosing what you were choosing?
Can you remember the stress? The emotional state you were in? The expectations and ideas that were coming at you from those around you?
Can you remember the financial state you were in? How safe or unsafe you felt? How supported or unsupported you felt?
Can you take yourself back to who you were and how you were at the time of making your choice - and see that you were likely nowhere near as educated or empowered back then as you are now?
Then with all of that, can you allow yourself to stop using your hindsight against yourself?
Can you settle into the reality that you really DID do the best you could at the time, given all the circumstances, given your actual experiential knowledge and given your mental capacity at the time?
If you’re doing this work fully, I can all but guarantee that you’re going to realize that there’s actually no way you could have done something different back then.
You’re going to realize you really didn’t have the knowledge you needed. You didn’t have the assurance you needed. You didn’t have the support and space you needed. You didn’t have the time you needed. You didn’t have the information you needed.
You did what you did then, because at the time it WAS the best you could do.
Keep digging and challenging any beliefs to the contrary until you’re able to arrive at a place of knowing that you did your best.
Validating Your Current Pain
Then know you are allowed to be upset that your best led you to something that you don’t like, that hurts right now, that isn’t what you wanted or isn’t what you expected.
This validation of the pain you may be in now based on those past choices and circumstances that DOESN’T go into blaming you is the next step, and it’s VITAL.
We must allow ourselves to be upset where we’re upset, resentful where we’re resentful, to wish things could have been different where we wish that - and to get those feelings VALIDATED within the CONTEXT of knowing we did our best.
Allow yourself to be upset that the circumstances were what they were, so that you weren’t actually capable of making a better choice.
Allow yourself to be upset that you weren’t supported in the ways you needed to be supported so that you could have made a different choice.
Allow yourself to be upset that you’re not where you want to be right now - just make sure you can do that from a space of NOT blaming yourself.
Give yourself space to grieve the life you could have had or to simply resent that life put you in a position where you were only capable of making a choice that led to some pain.
You’re allowed to be upset about what you’re upset about - just don’t turn it in on yourself.
Can you make space for yourself to be sad that what has happened has happened?
Can you let yourself be angry at what you’re angry at?
Can you let yourself wish things had been different knowing that they weren’t and that it wasn’t your fault that they weren’t?
Can you give yourself space to grieve the life you think you could have had had other choices been actually available to you?
Can you let yourself process any of the pain you’re currently in, knowing that in real reality, there’s likely nothing you could have done in the past to prevent it, because you didn’t actually know what you know now?
Can you let yourself be upset with the circumstances that made you make the choice you made?
Can you accept that perhaps there wasn’t actually a ‘better’ choice you could have made, and maybe you would be in whatever pain you’re in right now regardless of what you had chosen?
Can you let yourself be upset about what is, without making that mean that YOU did something wrong or should have done something different?
How loving and supportive can you be in letting yourself process any genuine emotion without going into shame, blame and guilt?
Remember, you did the best you could have done with what you had. If that led you somewhere you don’t want to be, that doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means you did what you could at the time. Now you may know something different. Now you may have different resources and capacity.
But you didn’t back then and now you’re hurting - and that isn’t your fault.
Make lots of room for this validation process. Let yourself become complex enough to hold both realities at once - you did the best you could, it caused pain, it’s not your fault.
How much space can you make to just PROCESS the pain without turning it in on yourself?
What Did You Learn?
Finally, the way we actually empower ourselves as we look back on what we did, what choices we made in the past and how things have turned out now in our present lives, is to consider what we LEARNED from making the choices that we made.
To consider what we know now that we didn’t before, to consider the experience we have now that we didn’t before, to consider how we’ve grown, to consider how life has proven to us what we intellectually knew through lived experience - and to take all of that into account knowing that moving FORWARD we can apply all of that to our choices.
We can allow ourselves to see that NOW we would do something different - and we can realize that life works in cycles. That life happens in spirals of knowledge and experience - so there’s a good chance that you’re going to face similar circumstances in your future to the ones you experienced in your past, and there’s a good chance that you can take what you learned from your past choices and apply it to the choices you’re going to make in the future.
Can you let yourself ground down into the new knowledge you’ve gained through your experience, the new awareness, the new capacity, the new circumstances you find yourself in now - and know that you can carry this forward with you as you walk through your future life with all the choices you’re going to have to make?
Can you hold both truths at once - that you LEARNED from what you’ve been through, and that in the future you’re likely to make different choices than the ones you made in the past, but this doesn't’ meant that what you did in the past was ‘wrong’ or that you should have known to do something different?
THAT is what empowerment really looks and feels like.
You’re allowed to say that NOW you have information that will help you do new things NOW moving forward than you may have done in the past.
Allow yourself to be open to BOTH the reality that you did your best in the past AND that you are going to move forward with your new awareness and that this would and will mean doing things that your past self wouldn’t have done.
You are allowed to say that what you did was the best you could do at the TIME, and also that you now know better and can do different and better.
Both of these things are true at once.
You did your best back then.
Your best is better now because of experience, time and maturation.
Allow yourself to LEARN from your past choices, without making your past choices WRONG.
You did your best. Now what have you learned through your experience that you can use in your FUTURE and in your PRESENT to make choices that feel a little more aligned and a little better for you?
Can you look at your current life, and search for the places where you’re being given the chance to make SIMILAR choices to the ones you’ve made in the past, and to consider where your new knowledge is allowing you to do something different than the past version of you would have done?
Can you make yourself safe enough with yourself to make a different choice, without that having to mean that what you did in the past was WRONG?
This is VITAL work because the more we are telling ourselves that we did something WRONG in the past, the more we’re going to be triggering ourselves into a feeling of being rejected. This feeling of being rejected is going to put us into a state of fear - and in that state of fear, no matter what we know and no matter how much our experiences have shown us new information, we’re going to want to REPEAT our patterns because when we’re scared, the LAST thing our nervous systems want to do is CHANGE.
This is why this compassion is so vital.
We aren’t going to feel safe to make a different choice in our future, if that different future choice means that we believe that our PAST choices were wrong, bad, stupid and that we should have done something different.
This is key to understand.
The more compassion you can have for your past self, the more you’re actually going to be able to APPLY the new knowledge you have in making different choices in the future.
The more you are using your past to shame yourself, the more you’re going to want to repeat your patterns even if you now know better and have more supportive circumstances in which to make a different choice.
How safe can you make it that you did what you did, so that your new awareness is something you can actually access when it comes time to make new choices moving forward?
THAT is what empowerment looks like.
THAT is how we healthfully process the ‘what if’s’ from this place of looking back and having hindsight.
We understand where we were.
We validate that we did the best we could under the actual conditions we were in.
We let ourselves be upset.
Then we take what we learned, and we use that to empower ourselves moving FORWARD.
These are the steps we must take, if we want to healthfully process our past and the choices we made.
I hope this series has helped you if you are struggling with feelings of regret or that you’ve done something wrong in your life.
You’ve always done the best you could, and your power is in making yourself safe enough to learn from what you’ve experienced, so that you can apply your new knowledge to your future choices.
Practice this and see how it feels.
<3
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