If you’ve not done so already, I highly recommend that you go back and read the first post in this series.
It’s really important to give you CONTEXT for what you are experiencing, and for helping you understand why peace may be activating for you.
This week we are going to dive deeper into what those shame/blame/guilt stories come up when we are in a place of relative peace, and then we are going to explore some tools you can use to help bring yourself into rest and digest when you’re feeling extra activated.
So let’s get to it, shall we?
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The Inner Critic Coming Out In Full Force
Finally, you may notice that in times of deep stress AND in times of relative security, that your inner critic - that voice that comes up to tell you that all of your pain, all of your suffering, all of the stress in your life and all of the things that aren’t perfect in your reality are YOUR FAULT - is going to be louder and more prevalent than ever.
Again, this is because in our childhoods, from our perspective, our caregivers are all knowing, all powerful beings that are capable of giving us all forms of pleasure and rescuing us from all forms of pain.
From our vantage point, complete safety where we are provided for on all levels and also where we are given what we need to figure out who we are and to EXPRESS as our full selves is available via our caregivers loving us and approving of us.
To us as children, the only reason that we may be suffering is going to come down to our caregivers not seeing us, understanding us or providing for us in some way. It’s going to come down to our caregivers treating us in any way that is outside of keeping us safe, connected and content - and from our perspective the ONLY reason we are going to be able to come up with why our caregivers are doing what they are is because WE are doing sorting wrong.
You see, as children we aren’t capable of understanding that our caregivers are flawed human beings who don’t have ultimate power.
We aren’t able to see that our caregivers can be doing things WRONG and harming us because they are not well or otherwise because they aren’t capable of providing safety for us.
We aren’t capable of seeing that their values, worldview and what they think is right and wrong and thus what they are projecting onto us as what we should or shouldn’t be, do, express and value may be incorrect.
We aren’t able to understand that our caregivers are separate people from us who may be doing things that have NOTHING TO DO with us.
Rather we just see that pain = caregivers not loving/approving of us = WE are doing something wrong/are fundamentally flawed.
We see their world view as THE world view, as truth, and anything that we are or that we do that falls outside of this as being bad, wrong and shameful.
We see their pulling away from us or their harming us as a deep, existential threat.
THIS is where we learn to blame, shame and guilt ourselves when we are struggling, in pain, suffering or experiencing anything that isn’t pleasant.
This is where we make that deep, internal connection that if we are hurting, if we are being abused, if we are being abandoned, if we are experiencing negative emotions, if we want to express in a way that they don’t like, if we are something that they have told us we can’t be, if we feel lonely or isolated, if others treat us poorly, if we don’t want to do what is expected of us that this means that WE are broken, bad, wrong and flawed, and that we must figure out what’s wrong with us so we can fix it.
This is where we learn our people-pleasing and fawning behaviors. This is where we learn to cope with pain we can’t get rid of through numbing out, shutting down and using substances and other activities to just ‘turn off’ our feelings. This is where we learn to go into shame, blame and guilt instead of feeling our sadness, anger, resentment or feelings of repulsion and rejection. This is where we learn to be in a perpetual state of self improvement and self monitoring. This is where we learn to blame ourselves any time others treat us with disrespect. This is where we learn to blame ourselves when we are sick or hurting. This is where we learn to assume that we are doing something wrong any time life doesn’t go how we wanted it to go.
This is where we learn that if we don’t feel safe to turn in on ourselves and again look for all the things that WE are doing wrong that must be causing those feelings.
Meaning, when we get to a state of safety - and rather than feeling safe and secure we feel threatened, our minds are going to go digging around for ALL the places in life where we think we are ‘messing up’ as a way of trying to explain the pain we are feeling and as a way of trying to fix it.
Because the reality is, when life slows down, this is often when our unprocessed sadness, anger, resentment and fear comes up in response to all the pain and trauma we have just walked through.
When things are happening, when stress is occurring - often we aren’t able to access our true emotions about the situation and we’re not able to actually FEEL the full effect of the pain we’re in - because we have to push through. We have to fight. We have to run and figure out what we are going to DO about the pain - we don’t have the time or energy to slow down, grieve, process, understand what’s happening and how it’s affecting us.
We just have to get up and go.
So the emotional, mental and physical impact of what we’re going through isn’t going to be felt.
Also again, we are likely going to be looking for where WE are the problem and how WE need to fix ourselves in the middle of our pain and the struggle of stress - rather than being able to see where OTHERS may be the problem, where culture may be the problem and where the root of our pain may not be US and how WE are.
You can think of this like when a baby is trapped under a car - the mother of the baby is often going to develop superhuman strength in that moment, in order to lift that car off of the baby. In the moment of doing that, it’s likely that her body is going to experience a whole host of injuries. But the mom isn’t going to FEEL those injuries at the time. It’s not until she knows her baby is safe, that the treat has passed that she’s actually going to start to FEEL the trauma of what she went through.
And so it is with us and all of our stress.
When things slow down, this is when all our unprocessed emotions are going to come to the surface - and our inner critic is going to jump in to ‘save’ us from feeling that pain by digging around for how all of our pain was OUR FAULT so that we can ‘fix it’ by fixing ourselves.
All of this is going to lead to us feeling less than settled when life actually starts to calm down.
So What Do We Do About It?
Convincing your brain and body that you can relax isn’t going to be something that comes easily.
Rather, we have to remember that the pattern of being braced, of blaming ourselves, of being stuck in shame, guilt and assuming that WE are the cause of our pain, the patterns of waiting for the other shoe to drop and expecting the worst, the patterns of having our minds come up with all the worst case scenarios and running through them over and over again aren’t patterns we developed overnight, and thus they aren’t patterns we’re going to get rid of overnight either.
This process is going to require that we tap into our capacity for patience, observation, less reactivity and slow and steady shifts that don’t cause MORE stress than they relieve.
Orientation:
To begin, something you can practice a few times a day to help get yourself out of your head and into your actual body/surroundings, is an orientation practice.
This is a short and simple practice that I recommend doing once in the morning, once midday and once in the evening - and any time you notice yourself getting ‘lost’ in any catastrophic thoughts or any time you notice that your body is highly activated.
All you need to do for this practice is the following:
1. List 5 things you see.
2. List 5 things you hear.
3. List 5 things you feel.
4. List anything you taste.
5. List anything you smell.
6. List your full name, location and the date
7. List out a few things that are ACTUALLY happening in this moment. Nothing you imagine will happen or could happen, only what is ACTUALLY happening.
8. List 10 things you are grateful for - and see if you can feel that gratitude in your body. If not, that is ok.
9. Take 10 deep breaths (see if you can keep your eyes open so you stay here) allowing your body to relax with each breath.
10. Sit with this relaxed, open awareness for a few moments, really allowing yourself to drink in the fact that nothing scary is happening, that you are OK and in this moment you have exactly what you need.
This practice again is something that will slowly help you to move into this actual moment in your life, so you can orient around the new safety that you have.
You can also follow along with this video here if that helps you!
Witnessing:
Next, I invite you to practice learning how to WITNESS your thoughts and WITNESS your feelings rather than reacting/responding to them right away.
For this practice, I invite you to start by observing when you are feeling that deep nervous system activation and rather than getting into your THOUGHTS about what this means, what’s happening or what’s going to happen, I invite you to shift into your BODY.
This again is going to help you start to gain some power over the activation. By learning to OBSERVE the feelings and OBSERVE the thoughts, you’re going to realize that what you are experiencing may not 100% align with reality. You are going to start to be able to stunt the cycle of the body being activated and then the mind running away with that activation.
You see when we are stuck in this activated/braced state, the most common thing that we experience is the idea that the body gets ‘triggered’ by either the LACK of movement around you or by something it senses to be a threat - and then the MIND starts to run away with all it’s thoughts and attempts at protecting you.
This means that you are activated and 10 steps down the road of reacting before you’ve even had the chance to assess whether your activation is in alignment with real reality or not.
By learning to observe, we can slow ourselves down and help ourselves more easily come into the actual present, where we can then realize that our activation was an OVERreaction to something or we can see what we are reacting to and we can respond in alignment with what’s actually happening vs. responding to the worst case scenario we may have imagined is or will happen.
Learning to observe helps us to slow down and connect with real reality which again, can help ground us and give us a lived experience of safety when we are stuck in our heads and stuck in a body that is being triggered all the time.
To begin, you’re first going to notice your BODY. When you are feeling that sense of activation and noticing that your mind is running away with all sorts of fear thoughts, take a moment to pause and realize that this is an activation. See if you can challenge yourself to hold the thought that it’s possible that you are not seeing reality clearly, and that you are going to give yourself the space to investigate what’s happening before you react to it.
From here, see if you can just observe that the mind is racing and see if you can make that ok. We’re not going to try to STOP the thoughts, we just going to see that they are there. We don’t have to respond right now.
Next, can you slowly shift your awareness to your BODY and notice where you are FEELING the activation?
Where do you feel this activation? In your chest? Belly? Hands and arms?
What does it feel like in terms of sensation - hot, cold, tingling, shooting?
Next, see if you can notice that there is a part of you that is witnessing the sensation, a part of you that is experiencing the sensation and then there is the sensation.
The sensation is not you, and the part of you feeling the sensation is not ALL of who you are.
Then notice that you don’t ALWAYS feel this sensation.
It’s only a temporary experience. It’s not always here, and it will pass.
You are not the sensation.
The part of you experiencing the sensation is not all of you.
Can you allow yourself to rest in this observation?
How does it feel to allow yourself to create some separation between you and the activation? Between you and your body?
See if you can simply observe the sensations without making them MEAN anything.
Next, let’s do the same thing with your thoughts.
See if you can witness all the stories your mind is coming up with about what these sensations mean.
Notice all the things that they are telling you about what these sensations mean about your life, your body, your mind, your safety and your future.
Again, see if you can notice that there is a part of you that is hearing the thoughts, and a part of you that is thinking the thoughts. The part of you that is thinking isn’t ALL of you.
Notice that the thoughts again, are temporary.
You are not always thinking these exact thoughts.
These thoughts come and go.
They are not who you are. They are not permanent.
How does it feel to create some separation between you and your thoughts?
Finally, can you make room for the idea that your thoughts may not be totally accurate to reality?
Can you open to the idea that your thoughts may be telling you a story vs. telling you the absolute truth?
Just see if you can get curious about this.
Again, most people when they practice this will tell me that their thoughts FEEL REAL. That their thoughts MUST be real because they FEEL so TRUE.
With this, I invite you to consider that perhaps these thoughts actually feel FAMILIAR. They are thoughts you have thought many, many times before. They are thoughts that have come up every time you’ve felt activated. They are repetitive and cyclical. But that doesn’t make them TRUE.
Can you simply open to the idea that your thoughts may be looking for the WORST case scenario that could possibly happen, vs. being in ACTUAL reality?
Just see if you can open to this.
This is just to get you started. Again this practice isn’t going to be the be all end all of thought and feeling work - but learning to develop the observer self and learning to create some space where you can get curious about your thoughts and feelings instead of reacting/responding to them right away is an incredibly important first step on this path.
So just see if you can practice this. Build this capacity.
What Are You Really Feeling?
Finally, I invite you to practice connecting with your ACTUAL feelings when you are feeling that deep sense of shame/guilt/that you are doing something wrong.
When you notice the inner critic coming up to yell at you about what you have done wrong, how you have caused the pain in your life, how you are to blame for everything, I invite you to first recognize that this is a childhood part of you coming up to try to protect you from pain. It’s not an accurate view of yourself nor is it an accurate view of reality.
From here, I invite you to slow down, and see if you can shift your perspective.
Notice where you are shaming, blaming, guilting and judging yourself and think of the situation that is causing you to shame, blame and guilt yourself.
Think of the relationship, the work situation, what’s going on in your body - whatever it is that’s ‘triggering’ you to think that YOU are doing something wrong and that YOU are the ultimate problem - and see if you can just observe this.
Notice if this is a cyclical pattern for you - is this a place that you often go when you are in pain? Is this loop of self blame one that you have been in for a long time?
Can you start to consider that these shame voices aren’t actually an accurate view of reality or yourself, but rather that they are rooted in your inner child doing their best to try to ‘fix you’ when you are in pain?
Can you start to consider that perhaps what you are feeling right now is PAIN - and you are looking to blame yourself in order to try to fix that pain?
Can you open to the idea that digging into what you are ACTUALLY feeling may help you much more than digging more into self blame and shame?
Next, I invite you to sink a little deeper into these feelings and ask yourself - ‘if I am not actually to blame here, if I am not actually shameful or guilty - what does this situation that is triggering my shame/guilt ACTUALLY make me FEEL?’
Are you feeling angry at someone?
Are you feeling disappointed?
Are you feeling rejected, lonely or isolated?
Are you feeling sadness you don’t know how to process?
Are you projecting that if you were to perfect this relationship, your body, your mind or any other situation in your life that ALL of your pain would go away and everything would be perfect?
What is it that you think you would FEEL if you were WERE to ‘fix yourself’ enough to make this situation go away?
What do you NEED right now that you’re not getting?
What are you getting right now that you DON’T want?
What doesn’t feel good about the situation?
Are you feeling misunderstood by someone? Is someone crossing your boundaries? Are you wishing you didn’t have to deal with a certain situation? Are you feeling trapped? Confused?
Can you start to explore what you may ACTUALLY be thinking/feeling/wanting, if YOU are not to blame?
Again, this is something we are going to need to PRACTICE because those shame and guilt voices can be very loud.
Take your time with this - and if you are struggling I highly recommend connecting with a practitioner of some sort who is able to hold you in a space of love and validation to help you move past these shame stories into what you are actually feeling.
Let yourself start to process what you’ve been through and what hurt - in a real and deep way. Knowing that the shame that is coming up may be your way of trying to AVOID looking at the pain you’ve been through - which is totally normal and natural when we don’t have tools for processing that pain.
Remember, this is all to get you started.
There are lots more tools on my website and youtube for helping you navigate this hyper-activation.
Hopefully the explanations help you understand what’s happening a little better, and the tools in this series have helped you get started on shifting this pattern.
Allow yourself to explore more tools and resources, and know that you CAN start to find safety in your stillness, and you can start to process what you’ve been through.
One step at a time.
<3
Want more tools like this?
Check out The Mystery School Here
