Last week, my super cool friend Tarah had a dream.

In this dream, she saw herself standing in front of a house. Looking through the windows, she saw that there were people inside, dancing, laughing and generally having a good time. These people in the house beckoned to my friend, and she entered.

Once inside, she realized that there was no party going on. The smiles faded to looks of terror. The music and dancing to panic and fear.

Tarah then tried to escape, only to find that the windows and doors all had an invisible force field around them. Now that she was in the house, she was trapped.

As she was coming to grips with this new reality, she noticed the presence of some dark, cloaked figures entering the room. Everyone else began to panic even more when these creatures came near. These beings seemed to bring with them a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of despair. A feeling of never being free again, never being happy again, never being well again.

Without even finishing a complete thought, Tarah realized that the only way to survive this situation was to become one of the cloaked beings. She knew instinctively that trying to get away from them was not an option, and that to simply sit in their presence was to lose all sense of hope. Becoming one of them brought relief.

So she became a figure of the darkness, joining in the pack that was floating around bringing with them fear, panic and loss of sight. In this way she escaped the desperation of not being able to actually beat or retreat from them.

Her only hope of survival was to forget her own light and fully become the darkness.

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Before Tarah told me about her dream, I had been dealing with the 'shadow' aspects of those I am fortunate enough to work one on one with. As you may or may not already know, my approach to healing is all about seeing what light is hidden in your dark and shadowy places. I believe it is not your work to run from your shadow, but instead to embrace it so that it can reveal to you aspects of your light you have rejected.

In one session, I was talking about how the brain sets up self destructive habits - for instance over eating, drinking, shopping, restricting food intake, over exercising - essentially anything that is a way of escaping - because it helps us to avoid thinking about and feeling our deepest pain that intuitively know we do not have the tools to heal.

To that, the person I was talking to responded with "It is like our brain is driving us to hurt ourselves!"

That gave me pause. One, because it certainly appeared like your brain is set up against you when explained in this way, and second because when you are going through something where you are struggling with self sabotaging behaviours, it really FEELS like your brain is against you.

That is where the dream of my friend Tarah comes in.

Her  dream perfectly illustrates what is happening when you feel lost inside self destructive thought or behaviour patterns. In the moment, when you are facing the temptation to shop, over eat, under eat, drink, numb out in front of the t.v - this temptation may happen every once in a while, or it may happen several times a day - it feels SO much easier to become the cloaked figure, to give into the negative habit - than it does to sit with the pain and despair. To be the house guests who could not escape the pain.

We get that hit of pleasure, that moment of calmed anxiety, that feeling of being high, being untouchable, being in control for a moment. The rush of engaging in a self destructive behaviour is always alluring. The peace and calm that comes in its wake is something we humans tend to lust after.

Even when you consciously know that what you are doing is harmful, even when you can think of a million and a half reasons to stop - it feels like you cannot, because the draw is just too great. You feel helpless against your desire to engage in your behaviour. It consumes your thoughts, and takes over your body. You may feel completely powerless to the desire.

It is so much easier to be the cloaked figure than it is to be the terrified house guest.

However, this again may make it seem like your brain is against you. Like it is forcing you to do something that you know is bringing you harm. What gives? How could it be that we have a part of ourselves that seems to behave so violently against the rest of ourselves and still say that our brains are on our side? This internal division makes no sense.

This supposed separation completely disappears when you understand the source of all true healing.

Unconditional, loving presence.

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In next weeks blog, we will look at how this works. We will talk about the third option, so that you do not have to be the cloaked figure or the terrified house guest.

Let me know how this is resonating with you!

<3