If you are celebrating, Happy Holidays to you. If you are not, happy Monday!
Today, all I want to offer you is this - it is ok to disappoint people.
Now, if you have not already done so, please go and read the post from next week on Coming Into The Present Moment and taking your power back first.
Last week we explored the true roots of overwhelm, especially during this time of year, and that what is really going on is you are seeing all the places in your life where you are being asked to do and be things that are not genuine to you, and you are feeling the pull to ‘please’ people being what is expected being met with the part of you that knows you are hurting yourself in the process.
Why That Process Was Hard:
If you found that going in and figuring out what action your true self wants you to take was too scary to act on, if you found that you were simply unable to do what your inner voice called you to do it was most likely because you knew that in doing so, you were going to disappoint someone.
You were going to lose love.
You were going to create a scene or cause an upset.
You were scared of the consequences of standing in your truth, because you know its going to get you in trouble with someone.
That is what we are going to tackle here today.
I know you have heard this before, and I know that it may sound really trite, but the truth is, we all need to hear this if we are going to get to a place where we have lives we love living.
So here it is again:
It is SO ok to disappoint people.
It is ok not to meet expectation.
It is ok to be less than what they want you to be.
It is ok to say no when they really wanted you to say yes.
It is ok to take a moment out (or many moments out) even when they want you to stay and be present.
It is ok to engage in an activity that serves to fill you up even if they don’t understand/don’t participate/judge you.
It is ok to be the odd ball.
Because here’s the deal - there is no such thing a truly ‘sacrificing’ yourself for the true benefit of someone else.
Sure, we can sacrifice ourselves in this moment in order to create a moment of false pleasure/placation for those around us - but this is not true love nor is it truly benefiting anyone.
The truth is, what is actually happening when we are disappointing someone by doing something that is TRULY of service to the self (meaning you are not simply being spiteful or rebelling from an expectation in order to exert your power over someone) is we are highlighting a place where this other person is relying upon placation/numbing/stimulation rather than true happiness. They are getting upset because by you not playing your role, you are making space for them to see something within themselves that they are not wanting to see. You are creating space for awareness - and oftentimes people don’t want to be made aware.
You are the doctor who is telling the patient they have cancer. You didn't create the cancer, you just brought awareness to it.
You are the wife who decides to stop buying her alcoholic husband any more beer. You don't make him go into withdrawal, you just highlight the dependance.
You are the therapist who tells their client they have to go into their negative emotions rather than trying to get rid of them through sex, drugs and rock and roll. You don't make them sad/angry/depressed - you just help them see that they are these things already.
You are the person who realizes that their headache is not caused by a lack of Advil, but that the headache is always there, the Advil just takes your awareness off of it by numbing it out. You are not making the headache happen through not taking the Advil, you are showing the headache is already happening (and thus that there is something going on in the body that needs addressing, by not taking the Advil)
You Are The Mirror, Not The Cause:
You are the mirror that says there is something going on here that needs addressing - it is not the lack of me doing what you wanted me to do that is hurting you, but rather it is the lack of me doing what you want to do that is taking away the painkiller so you can realize you are already hurting.
So to GENUINELY disappoint someone is actually to serve both of you. It is to stand in what you know is actually right for you, and to stand in what is ULTIMATELY going to be right for them too. They most likely won’t see/feel/understand that in this moment - all they will sense is your not doing what would make them ‘happy’ - but overall, you actually created a break in the cycle of mutual self destruction that then creates space for healing.
Now the truth is, most of the people in our lives are not going to choose to take this opportunity to heal. They are going to project onto you. They are going to get mad at you. They are going to blame and shame and guilt you.
Which really makes it feel like you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t, doesn’t it? Like if you do what you know they want you to do that hurts you, you lose, and if you don’t do what they want you to do and thus get them all upset with you, you lose.
Here’s the deal.
It’s true. You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t - but ONLY if you are going to remain dependant upon the approval of others to feel ok about yourself.
If instead, you are feeling like you want to really harness the opportunity of this holiday season to put your ‘spiritual’ and ‘self love’ practices to work, then this is the most perfect time to take action.
To face that fear of disappointing those around you, to face the backlash, to face the rejection, anger or cold shoulder, and learn to show up for yourself with love and compassion anyway.
To give yourself permission to approve of you, to relax, to sit in your awareness of doing what you know you need to do and to release the reaction of those around you.
You can still be absolutely loving and open as you do this. You can sit down with people and explain to them why you are going to disappoint them. You can refrain from projection and simply make it about yourself and why you need to do this for you. You can be patient and reasonable. This doesn’t have to be a big drama if you don’t want it to be.
They may still react negatively, and that is even more practice for your self love tools.
You may blow up after years of holding this all in, not being able to refrain from projection and attack - and that is ok too. Can you love the one who got so bottle up that you exploded?
This whole thing can be one opportunity after another to choose to stop blaming, shaming, rejecting and hating yourself, and to finally show up for you even when others are not/can’t.
It won’t be easy. You will feel crazy, selfish and like you are ‘causing harm’ - and that’s all ok too.
Because in the end, this is a journey.
Disappointing people is scary. But it is also necessary if we are going to live our lives in an authentic way that serves all beings involved - even if it doesn’t feel like that right now.
If you are struggling with the idea that you are ‘causing harm’ by being authentic, read This Series Of Three Blogs to help you move past that:
Part One: http://perceptiontrainers.com/?p=3945
Part Two: http://perceptiontrainers.com/?p=3961
Part Three: http://perceptiontrainers.com/?p=3971
Part Four” http://perceptiontrainers.com/?p=3988
This video may also help:
It may not be fun right now, but it will lead to you being so much stronger and able to enjoy your life so much more in the future.
You are worthy. SO are they. Everyone deserves you to genuinely disappoint them.
All my love.