Confession time.
I am still not amazing at giving myself rest when I need it.
Perhaps you are in the same boat with me in your life?
I have improved so massively in all other areas of self-care, and of course being a self love super fan, I give myself lots of credit for said improvements. I am now far more in tune with my body, having become proficient at feeding it well and moving in ways that make me feel good. I make time to do things I enjoy every day. I focus on all the things I am proud of within myself. I let myself feel and express what I am feeling. I have become an expert at not making myself wrong, but at validating myself.
But I still have this sticking point where rest is concerned.
Often times I tell myself it is because I am just so passionate about what I do. I tell myself that there are simply too many important things to do for me to take a rest right now. I make promises about future times and dates when resting will be more appropriate. Of course, those times never come. Maybe you do the same thing in your life.
This past week I caught myself starting to repeat history.
There were moments of lull in my week – I had a few clients cancel last minute and some other meetings that got re-scheduled without enough time for me to fill that space with other things. But rather than use this new found time to rest and relax, I found myself engaging in lots of make work projects.
I got 2 weeks ahead on videos and blogs.
I cleaned things that really didn’t need cleaning.
I added items to my other projects that are most likely overkill.
I was also starting to feel the symptoms of burnout – which are perhaps a little too familiar to me than I would like to admit. Some generalized anxiety, lacklustre energy, a body that felt a little inflamed and sluggish.
Yet I continued to power through. The thought crossed my mind to take myself out of the game a few times, and I ignored it.
I was seeing in myself what I see in so many others.
The Pull To Do More
The reasons not to take a break, not to rest and re-charge, not to step back and take a breather are so sneaky, and often times feel so very, very legitimate.
The truth is, there is always going to be something more you could be doing. This is part of what makes life, life. To do lists are never really finished.
The kids will always be in need of something else.
The business could always use some work.
The floors could always be cleaner.
There are always tasks you could get a jump on.
On Friday, as I was about to stand up from my workstation to scrub the fridge – I finally started doing what I knew was required of me. I re-directed my path; picked up some pencil crayons and my mandala colouring book, sat back down, coloured and listened to a pod cast.
The Drill Sargent
I decided to choose again. I was on the trajectory of work, and even though I had ignored the call to rest all week, I finally gave myself the time I needed. The time I had been asking me for.
For the first few moments, my to do list loomed over my head. I beckoned me to tackle it. It called to me – ‘kemon Ali, you don’t need to be sitting there. What about making Marcus dinner? You could do some more writing. You could really stand to clean the bathrooms. This time could be so much better spent.’
I heard the voice of the drill Sargent in my mind. I know her voice well. I am sure that the drill Sargent in your mind is also a familiar guest in your consciousness.
I heard the voice, and I did not resist it. I never told the voice to go away, or that she was wrong or bad or annoying. I welcomed the voice of my inner drill Sargent, knowing that fighting her is futile. She is much stronger than I am when it comes to combat. In a battle between the two of us, she will always win. Instead, I used the weapon of love to disarm her.
I thanked her for being there. I thanked her for trying to protect me. For trying to protect me from not being loved if I am not producing something. For trying to help me avoid missing out on an opportunity that could have been essential for my success. For trying to protect me from saving to do work later that I could have done now.
I thanked her for her studious action in looking out for me. Because I know that is what she is doing. She is no enemy. She is a friend; she just needs to be loved so that she can learn when and where it is ok to relax.
The Purpose Of Your Drill Sargent
You see, I used to let her run wild. I used to give her full authority to dictate my every move. This lead me to years of running until my legs gave out, so to speak. I would get so frustrated with myself – so mad at my body for always being sick, always feeling taxed, always being tired. I would get frustrated with my emotional self. Why was I always so frantic? So nervous? Why did my anxiety have to be so loud all the time? Why was I so sensitive?
Then, I went from being mad at myself for not being able to keep up, and began unloading my anger onto the drill Sargent. I would blame her for driving me so hard, for forcing me to burnout over and over, for making my life so uncomfortable.
Another Option. Another Answer
Then, I finally got wise. I finally decided to make self-love my mandate, which meant loving all of me – including the drill Sargent. As I started to remove my defenses, to stop beating myself up for not being able to meet her demands, and as I stopped fighter against her I was able to see why she was there.
I was able to identify her purpose for being. Her intention. She was there to defend me against my own fears. She was the driving force that allowed me to avoid facing the uncomfortable truths that had taken root in my brain so long ago.
The uncomfortable truths that I believed I was not worthy as I was. The uncomfortable truth that I was not comfortable simply sitting in my own presence. The uncomfortable truth that I did not feel that I was deserving of nice things, nice feelings, without working for them – and that the finish line of doing enough work to deserve rest and pleasure was an ever elusive line, a carrot dangling in front of my face.
Are You Worthy?
So on Friday, I coloured. I rested. I thanked the voice of the drill Sargent for her protection.
I then reminded myself that I am worthy.
I communicated to myself that I am valuable.
I reminded myself that I am loveable.
I promised myself that I am never again going to hold my own love for me ransom until after the next accomplishment, that I was no longer the kind of girl who held the carrot of my own love out in front of my face forever.
I used to be that girl. This means sometimes when I work myself too hard, the part of me that was so hurt by my past of withholding love gets scared. The drill Sargent then steps in and drives me to accomplish more – as a way of trying to earn my own love again.
Stop The Cycle, Make A New Choice
This is a cycle I chose to stop long ago. Now, it is my job to continue to practice, to continually prove to myself that my love for me is unconditional. That it requires no accomplishment. That it is dependent on no act.
Maybe it is this way for you too.
Maybe your drill Sargent is driving you to accomplish, hoping that one day you will do enough to earn your own love. Perhaps your incessant need to do, do, do comes from a deep well within you that is parched for the precious waters of your own affection, your own approval, your own permission to feel enough.
Do not hate yourself for not being able to keep up with your drill Sargent. Do not hate your drill Sargent. Do not fight them. Thank them for what they are doing. Notice when your drill Sargent gets loud, and choose to pause. Choose to send yourself love. Choose to rest. Choose to ask yourself what it is you need.
This is self-love.
This is true rest.
This is true rejuvenation.
Can you love your drill Sargent? Can you respect that part of you that is crying out for your own affection? Can you rest, as a declaration to yourself that you now choose to love you no matter what?
You can keep pushing forward. You can keep burning out. You can keep cycling between manic highs and super low lows.
But you don’t have to.
Love is the answer. Rest is the answer. Especially when you least want to.
Love the drill Sargent until she lets you see that part of you that needs your love the most. Then love that part.
Love Heals. Rest Heals.
This is why rest matters. This is the real reason taking care of yourself is so important. You must make the physical declaration; otherwise your words of affection will bounce off of you.
Act like you are worthy of rest. Act like you are worthy of pleasure. Act like you are deserving of time just for you. Through this, you heal.
<3
