In case you missed it, Last Weeks Post started this one off. (Click the link to read)
This week we will finish talking about why self love leads to liberation and a true connection to reality. Enjoy!
We Never Learned To Learn From Reality:
We never learned how to learn from reality. How to expand our point of view when we take in new information. In fact we learned the opposite - because humanity ‘believes’ that if we ‘admit we don’t know’ - that this ADMISSION is what makes us vulnerable to threat and hurt. Where as if we just BELIEVE that we have all the information we need, if we just convince everyone else that we are RIGHT - we will be safe from harm because then reality MUST THEN CONFORM to how we see it. We will be approved of, and this to us is akin to pain going away/needs getting met/pleasure happening - because that association was made so tightly in our childhoods when caregivers approval and love = them understanding us and meeting our needs. We are STILL operating as though this is reality.
Approval = needs get met.
Rejection = needs don't get met.
We are not yet at 'I can learn to meet my own needs within reality through understanding myself and reality better' - which is the key to evolution and peace.
We are afraid to admit we don’t know, because we think this again will get us rejected and will 'reveal' to us that we don't have a firm view of reality - and then what?
In so, so many ways we has a humanity, don’t know.
We are in pain and we are suffering - and we are looking to others to soothe us through appealing to them, or we are looking for them to rescue us through knowing better than we do, and through ‘acting out’ in pain (self harm and abuse of others) trying desperately to get that need for understanding met that we don’t have of ourselves and our own pain, because our nervous systems are wired that it is our caregivers job to soothe us when we don’t know how to soothe ourselves.
We were raised codependent. It is not the shark. It is the water.
When we are looking to convince others, to get others to approve of us, to get others to save or rescue us, when we are trapped in our own pain and acting in coping/self sabotaging/abusive ways, when we are confused about our own behaviour, when we dive into self defense/pleading ignorance when we are made aware of any harm we are causing - we are being codependent. Still believing that the results we want from REALITY - a desire to be met, a need to be met or a pain that we are in to be understood and remedied - must come through a PERSON.
Letting this go, learning to learn from reality, is scary.
It means letting go of the safety net that society has it figured out, that there are people out there who have the answers, or most commonly that society is right and whatever pain you are in/whatever you are struggling with is a result of some flaw in YOU - that if you could just ‘fix’ you would be fine.
Rather than the truth that you are reacting to something being out of alignment if you are in pain - and if you are trying to fit into society and are in pain… there’s your answer.
Adulthood means taking the intermediary out between you and reality.
Leaving just you, cause and effect.
No more shame and guilt - because when you REALLY DO something that causes harm - it will HURT.
When you really do something that’s in alignment with truth, it will feel good (understanding that your nervous system will most likely have a conniption fit when you start to counter your conditioning as it’s programmed that to do so means you will die - so the pain pleasure markers are something you will have to WORK to find.)
You won't need shame and guilt to 'keep you in line' - as those were tools you were using to learn from a nonsensical reality. Those shame and guilt cues were coming from you doing what was in alignment/was a part of your growth path and being rejected - thus confusing your lines of communication with reality. When you were rewarded for doing things that were out of sync, again your nervous system got all messed up.
There was pleasure in the aligned/growth action - but also a lot of pain due to the rejection of those you depended upon for everything. That learning may have been coming through climbing up something you didn't know how to get down from - and rather than a caregiver helping you LEARN, they scolded you or rescued you. This stunted your growth - 'traumatizing you', which is just another term for stunted growth. You learned to feel bad about yourself for getting into messes you don't know how to get out of, rather than learning how to PROBLEM SOLVE with the help of a loving caregiver. Trauma. Codependency. Fear of being wrong. Separation from feelings of adventure and wonder. Disconnect. When you hit another child, there would have been NATURAL PAIN as you looked at them crying and hurting - this would have been ENOUGH to teach you not to do that. If a loving caregiver had simply had you sit with the child you hit and look at them, allowing you to FEEL THE REAL consequences of your actions - no shame or guilt or punishment - you would never have wanted to do that again, because it didn't feel good. THAT is learning from REALITY.
There was pain in the misaligned action but pleasure in the approval it garnered you.
Again, in real reality we don't need shame or guilt to learn. Just feeling. When we are connected to our physical bodies and aren't tied up in stories of approval or disapproval, and are simply FEELING and OBSERVING the reactions we get from what we are doing - truth is RIGHT THERE. It won't feel good to go against the structure. It won't feel good to harm yourself or others. It will feel good to learn and grow. To fall and learn. To make mistakes and expand from them. To take in new information and allow it to expand your paradigm. You will observe the OUTCOMES of your actions - and if they don't produce the results you wanted, you will learn and change. No feeling shame or guilt or bad that you didn't know. Change won't mean you suck. It will jsut mean you didn't get the results you were expecting.
THIS is real reality!
You won't need anyone to agree or disagree with you - your results will speak for themselves. More pain or more pleasure? More growth or more destruction? Created more peace and harmony in your life or less? More connection with all or less?
That is how reality speaks.
In real reality, morality is nonsensical because pain and pleasure show us all we need to know. We don't want to be in pain, and doing what is 'wrong' ie. destructive in reality, hurts. We do want pleasure, and doing what aligns with the structure/is bringing evolution feels GOOD. It may be scary and uncomfortable, but again overall it will feel GOOD, like freedom.
We all learned to deny our pain and our pleasure in favor of what got us approval. This disconnected us from our humanity - our actual tactile way of learning from reality through SENSATION and again RESULT.
When you start to detach from approval/disapproval/consensus reality being your guiding principal, and learn to start to be with FEELING and RESULTS, you will be surprised at how much you thought was ‘the way you have to do things’ causes you pain, and how much the stuff you were told ‘never to do because it makes you bad’ not only FEELS GOOD, but also causes ripples of change around you - that break you out of cycles of trauma and abuse/complacency around cycles of trauma and abuse that are currently labeled as ‘normal society.’
Self Love Is The Key: Stop Trying To Convince
But you can connect with truth.
It just takes learning to FEEL your body, work through all the countering messages from conditioning and real reality, and standing on the ground that you can figure this out - and will never have it all figured out.
Love comes from within, and in that, you are free to start finding truth for yourself.
When you love yourself, you set yourself free from the codependency trap - as this softens your nervous system and makes you feel safe. Remember, you are still wired that approval = needs getting met = survival. Now as an adult, you are capable of giving YOURSELF this love. This love takes your nervous system out of 'fight or flight' - which it naturally goes into when you are in pain, due to not knowing how to solve your own problems - yet. This drives you to seek approval, to numb, to stimulate and do all the things that keep us DISCONNECTED from reality. This is the codependent loop. It's a nervous system issue as much as anything else. Self love is the key to soothing this overstimulated nervous system, so that you can reconnect with FEELING and RESULT. When in fear mode, you will simply do what you've always done. There can be no new action from that state of fear. Only in LOVE can we observe new things, take in new information and then allow that new information to guide us in NEW action. In fear our bodies won't let us take new action - they think whatever we have always done was the KEY to us living. Thus it's not going to want to let you do something new as it thinks this will mean your death. Really. Learning to love yourself when you are in pain is the KEY to relaxing your body and brain enough to see something new, so you can DO something new. Without this, you are trapped in your cycles no matter how much you want to get out, your body won't let you.
Self love is the way to soothe the nervous system so you can learn something new and then behave in a new way that better meets your needs. All you are doing right now is your way of meeting your needs the best you can from the codependent vantage point. Maturity requires love first. Safety first. Compassion and acceptance from within first. This is just how your nervous system is wired.
As you love yourself, you slow yourself down. This allows you to actually FEEL. Maybe for the first time, the real consequences of your actions - not what others ‘think’ but what you actually FEEL. This will lead you to new action. New awareness. New ways of BEING that change your whole life, step by step. You will become socially radical, and only see that it is really society that is radically confused. You will let go of needing a guru or savior and will find the moon yourself.
Over and over. Forever and ever. More and more of that moon. Less and less of the filter.
It’s only for those souls brave enough to start with self love instead of looking to fix or change the self.
So don’t look to convince others of your vantage point.
Look to reality to show you if your vantage point is true through FEELING and looking at RESULTS.
If it hurts, and if it’s not getting you the results you want, no amount of convincing humans is going to change that. If it feels good and is leading you where you want to go, no amount of human opinion can change that either.
Whenever you’re looking to convince or be understood - it's a call to look inside. To connect with yourself. Love yourself safe. Then look for what you WANT and connect with FEELING. THIS is the path. Look to reality, not humans.
The REALITY will set you free, and it’s right in front of you.
Feel it first.
Look at results.
It’s right there.
No more complex than that.
When you don’t know, sink into that.
Open to it. Don’t run.
When something shows you that your version of events isn’t true (pain, not getting results) celebrate - that’s the process of life! That’s learning. That’s growth. Being one who can change based on new information is the key to a successful life.
You’re never going to have it all figured out, and there will always be pain and failure - what makes a happy life is learning how to WORK WITH these things instead of making them mean you are failing/bad/doomed.
Love yourself safe. Feel. Open up. Look at results. Change and expand. THAT Is enlightenment, over and over again.
Reality is right there.
Always has been.
You open to it?