The self help, spirituality and personal growth worlds like to tell us that there’s an easy, expedited, joyful or otherwise non-painful way to process our past and to get to a place of feeling light, blissful and aligned.
Every day we’re told by self help and spirituality teachers and guides that if we commit to their special method, if we ‘do the work’ as they outline we should, if we ‘take responsibility’ for ourselves or ingest the right cocktail of medicines and potions that we can get over all of our pain, and transcend to a place where we are at peace with our past, we’ve forgiven all past wrongs against us and have landed in a place of total clarity on who we are and what we want.
In many spirituality and self help circles there is a narrative that tells us that being in a state of anger, sadness, grief, feeling sorry for ourselves, regret, unforgiveness or any other ‘negative’ emotional state means that we are immature, that we aren’t spiritual, that we are failing on some level to ‘see the truth’ and be our most adult, spiritual selves.
We’re often told that if we are getting ‘stuck’ in a negative emotional place that this means we’re doing something wrong, that we’re failing to see the bigger picture, that we’re failing to ‘transcend’ the way we should be - and that all of this again is a sign of our weakness and lack of maturity.
Many of us truly feel like we must be bad at healing, like we must be not spiritual enough and many of us get trapped in feelings of shame, blame and guilt when we notice that we are not able to just ‘get over’ our past and see the bright side.
But the reality is, the people who are telling you these messages don’t understand healing.
These people are actually totally mistaken in terms of what we need to heal, what we need to process - and they are often trying to skip the deeply uncomfortable and downright painful parts of healing - and in so doing they are actually stunting the process - not only for themselves but also for the people who are following them.
Pain Is A RESPONSE, Not A Choice
The reality is, when we’ve been hurt, harmed, abused, abandoned or experienced any kind of painful life event - there is going to be inevitable PAIN.
As much as we may want to believe that there’s a way to transcend ever feeling pain in life ever again, as much as we may want to believe that we can spiritualize our way out of suffering, as much as we may want to hear that there’s a way to process the painful things that have happened to us without there being discomfort involved - the reality is this just isn’t how humans work.
You see, our responses to loss, abandonment, abuse, not having our needs met, being victimized or trapped in some way or any other event that takes us out of safety and pleasure is GOING to be one of experiencing pain.
This is what it means to be human.
This is what it means to be alive.
When we are put in a situation where our needs aren’t being met, where we’re experiencing a threat to our survival or comfort or where we are being harmed in some way, we are going to FEEL PAIN on some level - because pain is there as an alert system to the fact that something dangerous is happening.
Pain is a protective mechanism. Pain is there to keep us alive, acting as a warning system for us about anything and everything that may pose a threat to our survival, and to our ability to be in a state of calm, happy, joyful regulation and expansion.
Pleasure on the other hand, is meant to tell us about the flip side of the coin - pleasure is there to let us know when we are engaging in activities and events that are supportive of our growth, expansion and general wellbeing.
Now, because humans are complex, there are a multitude of ways our safety, security and pleasure can be compromised - a threat to our physical bodies and needs is one way, but there are also the threats to our emotional safety, to our mental satisfaction, threats to our ability to feel connected and loved - we are not just physical beings and when we feel that we aren’t being supported on ANY level - whether that perception is true or false - we are going to RESPOND with pain.
Again, because we are so complex, we have to remember that sometimes the pain we are feeling is due to the perceptions we have about reality that aren’t totally in alignment with what’s actually happening - sometimes we can be caught in situations where we BELIEVE we are being attacked, rejected or harmed in some way, when in fact we aren’t - but this doesn’t mean that we won’t then experience pain. Sometimes we are going to be in a state of ‘flashback’ where something that is currently happening reminds us so deeply of a painful experience from the past that we literally feel like we’re ‘back there’ right here, right now.
It’s the same with pleasure - we may perceive that something is what we want, good for us and it can feel in the moment as though we’re getting our needs met in some way - when in actual reality what we are engaging in or being exposed to is harming us on some level, which means we will experience BOTH pain and pleasure all at once.
All of this is to say - that pain and pleasure aren’t ‘choices’ we’re making. They are a reaction to stimuli - either mental, physical, emotional, relational or a combination thereof.
We experience pain as a warning to be on alert for threat - it’s there to help protect us from that which is dangerous and to help us stear our way back to that which is actually supportive and good for us.
From here, if we aren’t able to get OUT of the pain we’re in in a reasonable time-frame, if we have pain that is repetitive, if we are put in a situation where the pain we experience is SO deeply out of what we expected to happen - we are going to then make ADAPTATIONS.
If we can’t get OUT of pain, we are going to change on a mental, physical and emotional level in RESPONSE to that pain.
Our minds are going to start to try to look for threats even when a threat doesn’t exist. Our emotions are going to become hypersensitive or they will downregulate and we will experience more numbness, our bodies are going to make changes to their operation in order to accommodate what we’re going through.
We will make changes to our behavior, our expression and our ways of thinking - all as a way of trying to protect ourselves the best we can and to try to avoid as much pain as possible.
This is why prolonged suffering is so life altering - it causes us to adapt in ways that can sometimes lessen the blow in the moment, but that DON’T help us to actually solve the problem we’re facing. And if we’re not able to eventually learn how to solve the problem, if we aren’t able to actually get out of that pain and if we aren’t able to fully PERCEIVE that we are in a new state where the old threat doesn’t exist anymore (which is often the case with prolonged pain), we are then going to be stuck in ways of being that become habit, but that hold us back from feeling actual joy and finding a way of life that actually works for us.
Pain Is Complex
From here, when we have experienced a situation where we’ve been threatened in some way - where we’ve been taken out of a state of regulation, safety and pleasure - the reality is that we are going to experience painful sensations - physically, mentally and emotionally.
We are complex beings with complex reactions and responses to life - and this means that anything that harms us is going to cause a REACTION in us, and this reaction is likely going to be felt on ALL levels of our being.
Hence why healing can be so complicated.
For instance, when we experience food insecurity, the pain of that is not going to be isolated to our physical bodies. We are also going to experience deep mental and emotional pain from this as well. This lack of food is going to cause us to feel threatened and unsafe, and especially if the situation is prolonged, this is going to cause us to react and respond emotionally, mentally and physically.
Our bodies are going to ‘store’ that trauma as a memory. Our minds are going to start to look for all the signs of food going away and may start to become hyper-aware of any threat to food provision in the future - causing what may be termed ‘hypervigilance’ and a sense of threat even when threat doesn’t exist. We are going to experience deeply painful emotions like fear, grief, anger and resentment - again all in RESPONSE to a situation that is threatening our state of security and our ability to live, grow, express and thrive.
When we experience emotional pain it’s the same thing. When we are put in a situation where our caregivers abuse us, abandon us, shame us or otherwise aren’t able to meet our needs and keep us feeling safe - we are going to have a reaction to this on all levels of our being. Our bodies are going to respond, our minds are going to respond and our emotions are going to respond.
Again if the pain is prolonged, we are then going to develop ADAPTATIONS to this pain - looking for threat in a way that causes us to perceive it even when it’s not happening, changing our expression in ways that are not authentic but that we feel will get us love and provision, repressing ourselves, becoming ‘people-pleasers’, using substances to numb our pain or change us in some way - and all of this again, is a natural, normal response to pain when we don’t have the tools we need to process the pain in the moment and most importantly, to get OUT of the pain.
THIS is where processing comes into play.
Processing Pain Is Complex
From here, we are going to have to embrace the reality that healing, growth, expansion and moving out of a state of pain is a complex process.
It requires that we are able to actually CHANGE the causative factors that are leading to our pain.
It requires that we find new ways of being that are actually supportive of our surviving and thriving.
What’s more than that, in order to properly process, we are going to have to FEEL our emotions, and we are going to have to deeply question and process through the MENTAL adaptations we have made to pain, in order to figure out where we are now projecting a past reality onto our current reality, where we are not seeing safety where it exists, where we are stuck in black and white thinking, and where we may be continually blaming and shaming ourselves for not being able to ‘be ok’ in situations that are actually NOT ok.
We have to learn how to FEEL our pain in way that gives us the capacity to use that pain as a GUIDEPOST for where we are still in situations that are harmful for us, or where the adaptations we have made based on the pain we’ve been through are now more harmful for us than helpful.
We are going to need to be VALIDATED in the pain that we’ve experienced, so that we can start to sort through WHY it was painful, what was painful about it, what was harmful about it, what we learned we had to do/be that isn’t actually supportive, what we learned we can’t do/be that is genuine to us, we must learn how to set boundaries we may never have considered we need to set, we are going to need to embrace that sometimes there is pain we CAN’T change or escape and rather than trying to fix/change ourselves we have to learn to just FEEL the emotions of that and let them move through us - and all of this is going to be UNCOMFORTABLE.
The pain is there to help us understand what is harming us - and thus FEELING that pain and learning to INVESTIGATE it is part of healing. It’s a part of what we need to do in order to figure out how to make life better for ourselves.
Being validated in our anger, sadness, resentment and unforgiveness is deeply important - we need to go through a phase of not being blamed for our pain and not looking for how it’s our fault or how we should be ‘over it’ by now - in order to actually let those emotions move THROUGH the body enough that we can then be empowered to find a new way forward.
We need to be given space to grieve.
We need to be given space to VENT and get what’s been swirling around in our minds OUT.
We need to be given space to FEEL what we have been through in our BODIES.
This is truly like going through a phase of healing where we need to vomit up the poison we have ingested. There is a phase of mental and emotional healing that is going to feel very much like we are just being hit with wave after wave after wave of pain, discomfort, memories, anger, sadness and grief - and the only way through is to be given a safe space to vent, to cry, to scream and be validated.
THEN on the other side of that, we can start to figure out what we need to do for ourselves in order to make life better.
But there’s no skipping the ‘getting it out’ phase.
From here, we have to understand that making the changes we need to make in order to make our lives better is ALSO going to be uncomfortable.
It’s going to be scary and challenging to set boundaries. To question our ways of thinking. To develop new habits and patterns that aren’t based on our adaptations to the pain we experienced.
It’s going to be scary to learn to express ourselves in new ways. To let go of what we had before and to embrace new ways of life.
Changing our lives after pain is, for the most part, uncomfortable.
Which means you’re NOT doing it wrong if it feels complex, messy and like you’re ‘stuck’ sometimes.
It means you’re not doing it wrong if you feel deeply sad, resentful and angry.
It means you’re not doing it wrong if change feels really scary.
At the end of the day, all I want you to take away from this article is this:
You’re valid.
Your pain makes sense.
You are worthy of being SEEN in your pain, respected, and supported.
There’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re allowed to be angry, sad and upset.
You will find your steps and your way forward eventually - but can you give yourself space to actually just BE with what you are in RIGHT NOW, and to validate yourself?
Can you make it ok that you feel how you feel, and then work to SUPPORT yourself vs. trying to fix yourself or rush yourself somewhere?
Because this is what healing is, requires, and looks like.
<3
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