Hello Friend!
Walking the self love path does mean we start to mature in our relationships. We start to mature beyond seeing those we relate with as extensions of our caregivers who are there to meet our needs/for us to take care of so that we can feel safe and loved, into a space where we are the ones with the awareness of what we want and need, and we shift into consent based relating where we get support/give support on the basis of open and clear communication.
We start to learn how to meet our own needs for love, validation, approval and provisions so that we are more free to truly embrace and express ourselves - regardless of how others may or may not receive us. We start to learn that there were some things we were expecting of those around us that were unreasonable. We start to see where we can allow those we are relating to to be unconditionally themselves, just as they are, without asking them to be different so that they meet our needs/preferences better. In short, we do empower ourselves to know that WE are responsible for knowing and understanding ourselves, what we need, and we are the ones responsible for making sure our needs get met.
What this taking responsibility DOESN'T mean, is trying to become FULLY independent. It doesn't mean trying to get to a place where we NEVER want/need anything from anyone else ever again - as this would be truly impossible in our world.
What this taking responsibility DOESN'T mean is trying to be totally 'neutral' in relationships, feeling that we have to adjust and become ok with any kind of treatment/environment, never asking another to adjust themselves for us in any way.
What this taking responsibility DOESN'T mean is believing that any abuse/mistreatment we suffer at the hands of someone else is due to the fact that WE are treating OURSELVES that way - looking for how we can change internally so that others will start to treat us differently externally.
What this taking responsibility DOESN'T mean is becoming unconditional in our relating, allowing everyone around us to be just who and what they are, and if this is hurtful to us or doesn't meet our needs/desires we simply learn to change OURSELVES in some way so as to be 'ok with it.'
Trying to become TOTALLY independent/to have no needs within a relationship or trying to be someone who is fully accepting of how others are at all times no matter how their behavior impacts us is actually the flip side of the codependent coin most of us are trying to grow out of. Trying to be needless/adjust to anything everyone else is doing can be a sneaky codependent adaptive strategy we learned in relationships where we weren't taken care of/considered. It can be a way of trying to be loved by being invisible. It can be a way we are trying to protect ourselves from hurt/vulnerability by armoring ourselves against disappointment.
This path of interdependency is complex. Let's talk about how to navigate it within the real world of having needs/preferences and the real reality of not being able to FULLY meet our own needs at all times. There's a middle ground here to be found.
<3
