In our world today, the unfortunate truth is most of us are so used to being in a state of constant fight or flight that we don’t even realize that we’re in this state.
Our culture feeds into us being in this state of stress because it’s one of separation, division, hyper-independence and one where we are pitted against one another in a competition for resources that are made to be exclusive for no other reason than to get people to work harder than they should have to work.
Our systems are set up in a way that leaves most of us in a perpetual state of feeling ‘not enough’ - and this is for good reason.
Our culture has us in a constant state of feeling that what we do is not enough, what we have is not enough and who we are is not enough - and this is to make sure that we are always willing to sacrifice more of ourselves to try to fit into the system.
Our systems are designed around the concept that consumption and production are the ‘things’ that have value - that it is always a good thing to be increasing the profit margins of those who own and operate the means of production of the things we need and want - and that the lives that are contributing to that increased production and consumption are only as valuable as their contribution.
This is a totally unreasonable and unhealthy perspective of human life and again, it’s one that leads us into a perpetual state of stress.
A healthy system would be one that is operating from the exact opposite perspective.
A healthy system would be one that values LIFE as the ultimate, and then designs a system around how to best support that life using the means of consumption and production.
We would have a world where we understand that production for the sake of production and consumption for the sake of consumption are not healthy values - but rather that this way of living is driving us to destroy ourselves and the planet.
We would see that production beyond what is actually required for people to have ENOUGH to live a comfortable life is causing destruction. We would see that the ways in which we are OVER consuming in parts of the world is creating a situation where people in other parts of the world/society continually struggle to have enough. We would see that this over consumption isn’t actually leading us to a state of happiness or fulfillment the way we are being promised it would - because at the end of the day we don’t actually feel better when we have so much MORE than we need.
We would start to understand that the over consumption and production we are engaging in is usually rooted in our attempts to escape our mortality. We are trying to get away from the idea that we are vulnerable in so many ways, and we are hoping that if we just live up to cultural expectation enough, if we just produce enough of the right things to become wealthy enough to afford ‘the good life’ - that in this we are going to reach ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction - and we aren’t seeing that having enough DOES reduce stress and fear by a huge margin, but that going BEYOND that enough point doesn’t actually improve our state.
In order to go beyond that point in our culture, we have to sacrifice so much of what it means to be human.
We have to step into this world of competition. We have to see others not as our family but as either means to an end or obstacles in our way. We have to see the earth as something to exploit for our consumption and expansion. We have to sacrifice our bodies to a work ethic that is unsustainable. We have to compromise on the things we truly need to feel well - time to rest, time to engage in activities for the sake of fun, connection for the sake of connection, time outside, time to just BE - in exchange for constant driving and pushing.
We have to live in a way where we center our lives around how things LOOK vs. how they FEEL or actually ARE. We have to externalize our entire concept of self to revolve around what others are thinking about us, what others perceive of us and how others are judging us - because to ‘fit in’ is to survive.
We have to deny our emotions, empathy and capacity for actual connection because again, all of this gets in the way of continual production and consumption.
And the worst part is that all of this means that we have to perpetually believe that there’s something ‘wrong’ with us.
In order to really operate in this system, we have to go against what’s normal, natural and healthy for us. And rather than being able to see that it is the system that’s messed up, we are continually being sold the message that if we can’t do what the system requires of us that this means that WE are weak, wrong, lazy, broken and in need of fixing.
If we don’t make enough money, the message is that we are not valuable.
If we don’t feel connected to others the message is that we are outsiders, messed up, broken or otherwise unattractive.
If we feel anxious or depressed this means that we need to fix and work on our mental health.
If our physical health is suffering this means that we aren’t ‘taking enough responsibility’ for ourselves and we need to invest in programs and courses to fix that.
If we aren’t living ‘the high life’ we must perpetually feel that we are failing on some level, because why else would we be lacking in the very things that society says we must have in order to be seen as worthy, good enough and acceptable?
It’s impossible to feel safe in our system, and along with this we are essentially told that ALL of our problems boil down to us not being or doing enough.
Is it any wonder that most of us are living in a constant state of activation without really realizing it?
Our Personal Path
On top of all of this, many of us grew up in situations where we didn’t feel safe.
Many of us had caregivers that rejected, abandoned, shamed or otherwise communicated to us that we weren’t safe to be who and what we are.
Many of us have had adverse experiences that have led to us not feeling safe in our bodies - such as experiencing chronic illness or fear of illness, chronic pain or being rejected for our bodies.
Many of us have experienced being judged and shamed for being who and what we are - again leading us to surmise that we are fundamentally wrong, bad and shameful.
Then we all grew up in a world that constantly told us that if we are struggling, suffering or in any way not able to ‘keep up’ with the essentially totally unreasonable demands of society that this means that WE are broken/bad/wrong/failing on some level, and need to be fixed.
Many of us have never been taught how to process our emotions and thus we have been through adverse experiences that we’ve never actually been able to work through - rather we have developed ways of seeing ourselves and the world through the filter of these adverse experiences and that now totally colors our perspective in life.
Many of us feel deeply afraid of being rejected, abandoned and left alone - leading us to live in states of people pleasing where we abandon ourselves for others, hypervigilance where we are constantly afraid that we are upsetting people and can never rest, ultra independence where we feel like we can’t really let anyone else in while also feeling alone and isolated - leading to ever more stress, tension and the feeling of never being safe.
Many of us have experienced times where we really DID go without having enough to be safe. Many of us have experienced caregivers not being well or not being able to be there for us even when they wanted to. Many of us have learned to be caregivers for our caregivers before we were emotionally mature enough to actually handle that.
There are so many ways in which we could have learned deep in our bodies that the world isn’t safe for us - and rather than being able to grow into adults who can reasonably see that these messages about our worth and value aren’t true and who can forge healthy relationships with ourselves and others - we instead grow into adults who constantly feel on edge and afraid.
This is a lot.
This is a lot to look at and to deal with - both looking at our personal stories and the system we live in - but we must if we are going to work towards finding true tools and solutions that actually help us feel better.
Finding Peace Is Often A Somatic Experience
From here, I want to deeply acknowledge that having enough to feel safe, having actual loving and supportive community and having the capacity to see that we are now adults who are able to work with reality and who are able to solve our own problems goes a LONG way to creating a situation where we may be capable of finding safety.
It’s not all ‘in our heads’ that we don’t feel safe.
Genuinely not having enough, being isolated and not being aware that we are capable of problem solving WILL create stress and tension that will likely be very difficult to deal with without those circumstances actually changing.
Thus first things first - we have to acknowledge that there are very real physical realities we are working with here, and it’s not all about trying to convince ourselves that we are safe even when we aren’t.
There are many other situations where we may be legitimately unsafe and THAT is why we are chronically activated - where we are in abusive relationships, where we don’t have our medical needs met, where our bodies hurt or are sick, when we are dealing with genuine mental illness - so again, we never want to paint in broad strokes and say ‘if you deal with your inner world you will feel 100% better’.
Rather we want to understand that a lot of the time we DO need a multi-pronged approach to stress reduction and safety and that one of those prongs IS making sure that we are in an environment that is as close so safe as we are capable of making it - and if we can’t change our environment that we don’t try to convince ourselves that what is NOT fine IS fine.
From there, I want to offer that if you have been doing all the ‘work’ in terms of therapy, working on your mindset, working on your thoughts, processing your personal history and looking at the bigger picture and how that is affecting you, and you’re still finding that even with all of this awareness and understanding you’re still struggling to find safety - body based therapies and modalities may be what you actually need.
So much of the time our capacity to feel safe is going to come down to re-training our nervous systems to be able to perceive whatever safety DOES exist in our lives, and to be able to relax and release even within imperfect circumstances.
Learning how to bring our minds into the present moment so that we can be in our bodies, learning to connect to the reality that’s in front of us, learning to find enjoyment and relaxation WITHOUT feeling like that letting go is making us vulnerable - this is all going to take PRACTICE.
We need to GENTLY work with our bodies to bring them into a state of regulation, and we need to practice doing this over and over again over the course of many weeks and months before we are going to notice a discernible difference in how we actually feel and how we can respond to life.
Combining this body based work with cognitive behavioral therapy and learning how to question our thoughts is really the best model - as usually one without the other leaves something to be desired.
So if you are doing all the mental work, here are some of the physical practices you may want to try to help you out more!
- Orientation - learning how to bring yourself into the present moment is a BIG tool. You can follow along with this video to learn how to orient yourself. I recommend practicing this a few times a day and seeing how it impacts your capacity to settle and relax.
- Body Scans - learning how to bring yourself into your body so you can feel and notice sensation is another big step on the path of learning to regulate. This helps us get out of our heads and into our bodies so that we can start to really FEEL that we are safe in moments where we are. This is a simple practice where you literally just bring your awareness to your feet and feel what you’re feeling - seeing if you can just notice sensation without making it mean anything - and then working your way up your body through to the top of your head. This can be a short 5 minute practice you do a few times a day just to ground yourself.
- Breathing Practices - there are many awesome breathing techniques that can help us regulate our bodies. One of my favorites is alternate nostril breathing, which you can practice along with this video. Learning to reverse engineer the stress response through deep breathing is a powerful tool for showing the body that we are not in danger.
- Mindful Movement - Moving our bodies in a way that actually feels GOOD to us vs. doing ‘exercise’ in order to try to change or manipulate our bodies/punish ourselves for foods eaten is another super powerful way to regulate and calm ourselves down. It’s also a massive tool for helping to ‘burn off’ any stress hormones that may be floating around our bodies. Choosing an activity that actually feels nourishing for you - such as yoga, stretching, walking or dancing - and practicing that a few times a week or whenever you are feeling particularly unsafe can be a great first step BEFORE you do your thought work or attempt to shift your perspective.
- Somatic Therapy - finally, I HIGHLY recommend working with a somatic practitioner of some sort when you are looking into training the body to find a state of calm. These practitioners are trained in the art of helping you FEEL your feelings, and helping you deactivate your painful thought loops where they are causing you to feel activated. This work can be REALLY impactful and powerful.
This is not an exhaustive list of tools, nor is it the complete picture in finding relief, but I hope this article did help you find some deeper compassion for yourself, and I hope some of the above tools help you get started in moving your wellness practices out of just being in your head and into your body.
<3
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