Hello love!
Welcome back to our little exploration of empathy and attachment.
If you haven't done so already, I highly recommend going back and reading PART ONE of this post.
Now let's dive into the truth about empathy and how we can use it for good.
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Empathy Isn't A Problem To Be Fixed:
Empathy and getting upset, enraged, sad, fearful and otherwise mobilized via watching what’s going on with others is incredibly important for our society.
For anyone out there that wants a new earth, that wants a society that’s set up around harmony, peace, love and a celebration of life should be deeply hopeful that the human race is going to develop MORE capacity for empathizing and outrage, not less.
I understand that it can feel like it’s our REACTION to injustice, pain, suffering, hurt, loss and abuse that is CAUSING the pain we see in the world. Causing the chaos. Causing the upset. That if we could all just learn to watch and be calm, there would be so much less war and strife.
But this is a misunderstanding.
A human race that stands by and allows for injustice to be enacted, and only cares when one is PERSONALLY affected, as a world where those who desire to garner massive power and control are able to do so - and by the time the greater population is affected, it’s already too late. it's a world where power structures run a muck and no one feels like they should have to do anything about it. It's a world where people suffer needlessly because no one with the time, energy or resources to make things better feels the need to step up or in.
A world where people DON’T react to pain unless it’s our own is a world where everyone is fighting for themselves, and this will never lead to peace. This can only lead to more and more imbalance power structures.
When we don’t stand together and look out for the humanity of all beings, we lose the capacity to create this humanity for even a small portion of us.
No one wins when any person or group of people don’t have basic human rights and freedoms, and it SHOULD bother us when any one of us is being robbed of theirs via human action.
It can feel like our empathy is the reason we are suffering personally too. It can feel like if we just didn’t care so much about others, about the world, if we weren’t so affected by the suffering we’re constantly exposed to that in this we would be better able to find inner peace. That if we could care less, we would have less pain in our relationships. Less pain in our bodies. Less pain in our hearts.
If we could just stop FEELING so damn much, we’d be happier.
And you know, maybe to a degree this is true.
If we had less capacity to feel for others and their pain, we might have less pain in the moment - but long term?
This would only lead to MORE problems.
Less Empathy Would Not Lead To A Happier World:
Not being able to feel for the plight of others would mean we never rise up to support one another. It would mean we would have no motivation to be there for those who are trying to be there for themselves but whom need an extra boost. It would mean we would likely become more selfish, harmful and destructive without knowing it - because we’d only be feeling what WE feel in any given moment. It would mean being destructive in our personal lives because we would have little reason to change any behavior that seemed to be serving us in the moment but that harmed others, and we would have little reason to do things for others outside of wanting a reward for ourselves. This would lead to total chaos in interpersonal relationships and a lack of capacity to connect to others in any kind of meaningful way.
Lack of empathy would destroy connection and forward momentum - it's the reason we have so many abusive systems that must be dismantled in the first place.
Empathy isn’t what’s CAUSING our pain.
It’s the harm being done to others that’s causing the pain. It’s the suffering that is causing the pain. It’s the illness, natural disasters and other tragic events that are causing the harm.
The emotional suffering that comes with these incidents are a result of what’s causing the pain.
Being able to feel for those who aren’t us, who don’t look like us, who don’t live like us, who don’t have the same access or resources as we do is the REASON progress towards better has been made on this planet. The ability to mobilize and offer support and resources to those who are being harmed in some way is the REASON human rights have been slowly increasing in prevalence across the planet.
This empathy is the reason we’re moving away from dictatorships. It’s the reason the inequities of our systems are being called out and forced to change. It’s the reason countless people have survived what would have been impossible to survive otherwise.
Empathy isn’t the problem.
Again the problem with empathy comes when we don’t know how to harness it, when we don’t know how to utilize it, when we don’t know how to move through it, and when we over inflate our capacity to help or when we take on responsibility that isn’t ours to take on.
Unmanaged empathy is a problem - not empathy in and of itself.
Please believe me when I say I know what it’s like to FEEL what everyone around you is feeling. To not be able to sleep at night, having no idea why, only to wake up and find that some huge disaster took place during the night. To know that there is SO much better available to those you love without being able to help them GET to that better. To watch the world suffer and to feel helpless to do anything about it. I know what it’s like to have empathy on overdrive, and to feel like this then makes me responsible for every little thing I see and all the worlds pain. Believe me when I say I’ve lived a life of feeling like I knew what the answers were for so many people and their suffering, and trying to force that awareness onto people - ruining relationships and my own experience as I did. I know what it’s like to feel responsible for everything you feel and to be SO ATTACHED to the healing/transformation of those you are watching suffer. I know what it’s like to majorly over extend because it feels like if you don’t DO something that you’re abandoning the world.
I understand the weight of empathy. I empathize with what it’s like to be really empathetic, if you will.
With that, I too have wished that I could shut it all off. Shut it all down. Because it IS heavy sometimes.
But the more I lean into it, the more I feel that without it, this world would quickly spiral into total chaos.
We Are Communal And Empathy Allows For Cooperation:
We are a communal species. We are a group of beings that absolutely need one another in order to thrive and survive. We depend upon one another to create systems that work for all of us. We are relational beings that learn how to do many, many vital things within the context of some form of relationship. We have social needs for a reason - because it’s through our social interactions that so much of what is required for all of us to live good lives is found. Independence and learning to meet our own needs are important skills but not at the EXPENSE of meaningful and healthy connection.
This doesn't mean we don't have personal choice, freedom, autonomy or responsibility. This doesn't mean that we can't do well for ourselves even if those around us aren't supportive. This doesn't mean that we're 100% VICTIM to the community we live in - rather it means we just have to take into ACCOUNT that we are never going to be fully self sufficient, and that cooperation is a big part of a healthy, happy life.
We must also remember that change - change for one individual or change for the collective - all happens within a collective.
One individual choosing to change how they live is going to have a ripple out effect onto everyone they interact with.
It can be no other way.
When one person decides to make their own life better, this is going to disrupt the status quo of everyone around them to some degree.
When a person decides to harm another, again this has a ripple out effect. Everything we do and everything that we are touches someone else, and thus our independence is never truly an independence in the sense that our lives are only our own. When spiritual people say that we’re all connected, this is what they mean. By necessity we are all connected. We survive and we thrive as a unit of individuals making choices that serve ourselves and the collective at the same time.
Major movements happen because of group mobilization. There may be great leaders, those with big ideas and convictions - but nothing big happens alone. When a being is being harmed or hurt they will mobilize for themselves, and then the degree to which those around them are able to empathize with and support them in that mobilization, will be the degree to which freedom is possible. If someone is being held back by the group, eventually they are going to have to break free from the group if they want to keep progressing. Without the empathy of those we are in community with, we’re going to be continually thwarted in our attempts to change because that change is going to have an effect on everyone we interact with.
On a large scale, when groups of people are mobilizing against a systemic harm again those who aren’t being directly affected are also going to have to change THEIR way of being in order to assist whatever societal change is being called for. If those who aren’t being directly harmed by what’s driving change in a few don’t stand with those calling for change, they will likely become a barrier to that change.
Empathy is what allows us to stand with those calling for change when that change will affect us in either no way or in ways that will change our way of life when we didn’t have complaints before. Empathy is what allows us to support those in times of emergency when that support costs us something. Empathy is what gives us the ability to mobilize for those who need our mobilization even when that mobilization doesn’t directly benefit us.
Empathy is lifesaving and its progress.
Empathy MANAGED Is The Key To Freedom:
Thus, the remedy to the pain of empathy isn’t to try to get rid of it. Isn’t to close down our hearts to those suffering. Isn’t to ‘tune out all the noise’ so we don’t have to see it. The answer isn’t to numb, suppress and ignore. Rather, we want to move into healthy empathy. We want to work with our systems so that we can navigate what we can affect, what we can’t, where we have power and where we don’t, and we need to allow ourselves to FEEL and GRIEVE for the pain we’re seeing without allowing it to consume us. There’s a fine line between feeling a feeling and getting stuck in thought loops and a point of focus that doesn’t serve anyone.
Many of us who struggle with our empathy don’t know where our boundaries are, don’t know where our power is, and don’t know how to shift our focus when we’ve done what we can do/felt what we need to feel.
The real key with empathy is to learn to feel, acknowledge, look for our power/responsibility, act on what we CAN do, then shift our focus so that we’re no longer hanging out in a pain we have no more power to control.
Feeling is the first step in learning how to navigate empathy. Start with allowing yourself to go into your body and to FEEL what you’re feeling on a sensation level. Let yourself let go of stories for a while - whatever you’re telling yourself about the pain you’re witnessing - and go inside. Feel. Deeply. Allow yourself to emote and express, for the feelings to move THROUGH you. You can journal or speak with someone who can hold space for you. Let it flood out of you. Make it ok. Don’t resist, surrender to it and let it move.
Do this for a while, let there be catharsis.
Be present in your body and let the emotions and sensations move through. This is phase one. Don't hold it in and don't try to squash it. Don't act right away. Just be for a moment. Show your nervous system that the world doesn't come crashing down when you take a moment for yourself.
Then remember this: YOU are not responsible for saving the world, or for saving ANYONE in your world.
You can’t make anyone heal. You can’t make the world change. You are not going to be the make or break person. At the same time, you’re not useless. You’re not powerless and you do have some form of say when it comes to the suffering you may be privy to.
Taking on more RESPONSIBILITY than is yours is a HUGE part of why empathy hurts so much. Believing you are responsible for the pain you're seeing or that you're responsible for fixing it is usually the true source of our SUFFERING in empathy. Empathy may cause pain, it may cause discomfort, but when we SUFFER this means we're believing something about the experience of empathy that isn't in alignment with reality.
It's not your job to save or fix anyone or anything. You may be able to play a role in moving things forward, but at the end of the day your power is limited and always will be.
With this perspective, as you’re feeling what you’re feeling, step back and really consider where you have power to affect change, to support, to help and where you don’t. If what you’re looking at are big systemic issues, take some time to research those who have more expertise on the subject than you do. Follow the lead of those being harmed and listen to what they’re saying and asking for in terms of support. Be a part of the movement by getting educated and following those who have experience here. Find your place in what pulls at your heart. Do what you CAN.
Check out This Video for more on how to help without taking on more than you can.
Then, let that be enough.
Let whatever you are capable of be enough.
I know this can be really challenging - it can be hard not to get stuck in either feeling paralyzed by the challenge of it all - stuck in the overwhelm which leads to not being able to take any steps OR feeling like we have to be a part of every movement, that we have to help all causes and that we have to fix everything we become aware of. These two states are mirror images of one another, usually having their roots in feeling overly RESPONSIBLE for all the suffering we’re witnessing. Learning to take a step back and realize that you did not CREATE the systems of harm that you see, that even if you are participating in harm on some level that this isn’t because you WANT to hurt people but rather it’s because this is how you LEARNED to function, and realizing that our impact is always going to be small in the grand scheme of things, can help us find some perspective. Learning how to do what we can without feeling like we have to take on the whole world - this again is an incredibly important skill to develop. Doing what you can, then being really honest with yourself about the fact that this is the limit of your current capacity - and making that ok.
From there, it’s important to work on your self compassion, self soothing and self care. We have to understand that allowing ourselves to get into a state where we’re consumed with the plight of the world doesn’t do anyone any favors. We have to understand that allowing ourselves to take on more responsibility than we can healthfully carry doesn’t actually serve anyone. That sacrificing ourselves for a cause doesn’t serve. That growth and change happen slowly over time, and trying to force things isn’t going to help anyone. We have to learn to find the joy, find the lightness, find the goodness and to be in pleasure just as much as we allow ourselves to be aware of and work to change the heavy things.
We don’t want to live in either/or land.
We want to find a place where we have a balance of both.
If we’re getting burnt out by our empathy, this means we’re placing too much responsibility on ourselves. We’re taking on too much of the burden and personalizing too much. We’re not taking the time to decompress and care for ourselves the way we need to. I know it can feel scary to engage in self care when it feels like the world is crumbling around us. It can feel like we’re going to miss something or like we’re going to be the CAUSE of more suffering if we don’t stay fully engaged - but this is a fiction. We must work with our nervous systems to prove to ourselves that the good always continues to exist, even amongst that which is harmful.
Prioritizing self care, fun and relaxation is a MUST when we are deeply empathetic.
Doing what we CAN and letting that be enough is incredibly important. Learning where our limits are - where we can help WITHOUT pushing ourselves exhaustion, illness or having to sacrifice other areas of our lives like our relationships or finances - is INCREDIBLY important, and we must then ACCEPT those limits. Learning to grieve, to protect yourself where you can, to validate that sometimes empathy is just a heavy thing and you need more time for care and rest - all of this is important. Take good care of yourself. Have as much empathy for yourself as you do for others.
**Also, recognizing where we over take responsibility due to traumas from our childhood is a BIG deal. If you’re chronically over-extended and feeling like you owe the world/are responsible, I highly recommend reading ‘CPTSD’ by Pete Walker to get you started. Trauma can play a big part in being overly empathetic and that deserves attention.**
Working with our empathy and learning how to have it without it consuming us is going to LOOK like it’s way more work than just getting rid of the empathy/turning it off/rising above it. I know it can feel like we’re just being manipulated into feeling things so that we can be controlled sometimes. I know that the exposure to SO MUCH pain and suffering can feel deeply overwhelming and all consuming. But the reality is, if we HAVE that empathy, we can be a part of positive change. We can use it as a tool to help us do what we CAN do. And we can use it as a tool for deeper connection with ourselves and others. Having the capacity to empathize does open us up to deeper heartbreak, but it also opens us up to deeper connection. It opens us up to stronger bonds. It opens us up to understanding more people than we otherwise would have and it creates a softer, more compassionate world. Empathy is a gift, if we know how to work with it and harness it.
Attachment and empathy aren’t flaws in the design.
They are vital for the evolution of our species and they are vital in the quest not to destroy ourselves.
Without these two traits, we could not function as a human species.
Thus, let’s not endeavor to rid ourselves of these qualities even though there are some painful elements associated with them. Let’s learn to mitigate the pain as much as possible through balancing our propensity for attachment with good processing tools and solid decision making skills, and let’s work with our empathy to find where we CAN be a positive impact, and where we need to step back and nourish ourselves.
We don’t get rid of parts of self, we learn about them and use them intentionally and intelligently.
We don’t want to lose these essential parts of our humanity.
They are gifts if we can learn to use them as such.
<3
