Should We Try To Get Rid Of Our Attachments And Empathy For Others?

Hello Love!

This week and next week I'm going to talk about empathy and attachment.

These two VITAL human characteristics have gotten a bad wrap in the spirituality/self help communities - historically and especially so lately.

Often times these parts of our humanity are pointed at as being the CAUSE of so much of our suffering. We're told that in order to be happy we have to get RID of these parts - and that follows. If we think it is our getting attached or feeling 'too much' that is causing us harm, of course we're going to assume that the answer to getting out of pain is to eradicate the source of that harm.

But the reality is, these parts aren't actually bad, and getting rid of them would only serve to make life worse in the long run.

For the next two weeks I'm going to talk about why we may have an aversion to attachment and empathy - why many spiritual teachers are telling us that if we want to be happy we have to stop being attached to people/outcomes/desires, and that we have to stop allowing ourselves to be manipulated via our empathy so that we can't be controlled.

I will talk about why it's not the tendency towards attachment or empathy that is causing us our pain - but rather the fact that we don't know how to healthfully utilize these traits.

I will explore why trying to get rid of these aspects of ourselves only leads to more pain, and I will give a few pointers on how to start navigating these traits in a healthier way so that they don't hurt so much.

Let's dive in, shall we?

Pathologizing Health Human Traits:

Let’s not get into a space where we start pathologizing normal, human empathy and compassion

Where we start trying to ‘heal’ the very natural responses we have to others in terms of wanting change when we’re in tough situations and wanting to see others heal when they are struggling.

Where we try to remove our propensity towards being attached to certain ideas, outcomes and individuals - which will inevitably lead us to possible disappointment, pain, rejection and heartbreak.

Let’s stop pathologizing normal human emotions like sadness, grief, loss, insecurity, and the need for connection, validation, support and love. 

Let’s not tell ourselves that to feel deeply for others - those we love and those we don’t know but are watching suffer from afar - is a failing, a spiritual weakness or something we need to overcome.

The reality is, we are humans who have the capacity to feel. We are humans who NEED to get attached to things as that’s part of what motivates us to do…anything. We are humans who have evolved in groups - working together to survive. We are humans who have the ability to see others as ourselves and to see others as worthy of peace, happiness and prosperity even if these things come with no seeming ‘benefit’ for us and even if their suffering doesn’t appear to directly affect us.

These are not flaws in the design.

They are an intrinsic part of what makes us human.

They are intrinsic parts of our humanity.

Attachment and empathy are VITAL aspects of our nature - and if we were to lose them we would NOT have a better world.

Rather, we may have a world with slightly less emotional angst and pain - but this would come at a massive cost. We would lose our ability to see the suffering of others as something we can actively do something about. We would lose our drive to challenge ourselves and step outside of our comfort zones. We would lose what it means to be a FEELING species. This wouldn’t be an improvement upon what we are. This wouldn’t lead to a better society. This would lead to more violence, crime, propensity towards totalitarianism and domination as well as a whole lot less connection, community and enthusiasm for growth and expansion.

The reality is, we’re never going to get rid of our human trait of getting attached, nor are we going to get rid of our empathy muscles.

We can do all the spiritual techniques and mental gymnastics in the world, and we’re still going to be what we are. The attempts we’re making to subdue and get rid of these parts are only leading to MORE pain and frustration.

**Because getting rid of these parts ISN’T the key to liberation** - though I know a lot of spiritual traditions have tried to convince us that this is the case. And getting rid of these parts isn’t possible. They aren’t flaws that need fixing or parts that can be extracted. 

We’re not going to get rid of our attachment or empathy muscles any more than we’re going to successfully eradicate the ability to think logically or breathe without having to think about it.

Rather, we’re first going to come to UNDERSTAND these parts of self as being good, necessary parts. 

Why Attachment Is VITAL For Our Survival:

Life without attachment wouldn't be life. I know this can be hard to wrap the mind around, but it's a reality. Without attachment there would be no progress.

Attachment is what allows us to pursue things that are hard, challenging and that require that we step into unknown territory.

Attachment is what drives us to risk heartbreak and loneliness as we make ourselves vulnerable to one another.

Attachment is what gives us the ability to hope for a better future and to create that future.

Attachment is what allows us to form bonds with one another that work towards creating love, stability and co creation.

Attachment is what gives us the ability to be in real, lasting and loving relationships - what allows us to stay committed even after passion has died down, during times of stress, during times of distraction and when we’re going through periods of misunderstanding.

Attachment is what gives us the capacity to fight for a better world when we’re seeing others suffer or when we’re suffering at the hands of systems and power structures.

Attachment to outcome is a motivating, mobilizing, stabilizing force. Without it, very little would get done. Without it, pushing through the tough periods of relating and creating would be incredibly difficult if not impossible. Without it we wouldn’t step into the unknown and risk what we have for something better. 

Without attachment, we wouldn’t have so much of the beauty we’ve created on this planet.

Attachment in and of itself does not’ CAUSE us pain. There’s something deeper here.

 

Attachment doesn’t cause pain - dashed hopes, incorrect stories about ourselves and reality, not being in control of outcomes that would serve to make our lives better, not being in control of others and storytelling that wasn’t true is what causes us pain.

The results of being attached to an outcome that doesn’t come true - THAT’S the source of pain.

The flip side is just as true, when we get attached and we get what we want, when we are nurtured in a secure attachment, when life goes how we thought it would or better - our attachments lead to great joy. Seeing something through, committing to something, taking a chance on an outcome and it coming true - creates a lot of pleasure.

Attachment gives us the ability to experience pleasure we never could without attachment. It allows us to create a new reality the way we never would without it. It makes us connect in vulnerable ways that lead to true union. Attachment is equally responsible for the most joyful experiences a human can have as it is for some of the most painful.

We’re going to come to see that we get attached to outcomes because we are ALWAYS going to seek for pleasure and we’re always going to want to escape pain. We’re always going to come up with stories about what is and isn’t going to serve this end. We’re always going to desire to grow and explore. We’re always going to dream up possible outcomes that would make our lives better. We’re always going to have a perception and that perception is always going to have flaws, filters and a history that creates narratives about our reality, what’s possible, what would make us happy and so on. We’re going to get attached to people and the connection we think is possible with them. We’re going to get attached to people being a particular way because them being so would mean something positive for our life experience. 

We’re going to get attached and sometimes that attachment is going to lead to disappointment and pain, and sometimes that attachment is going to lead to the greatest highs we’ve ever known or the most enjoyable stability we’ve ever had.

Being attached doesn’t hurt when our attachments are secure, when we’re right about reality and our expectations are met, and when we’re able to adjust our expectations as reality unfolds.

We don’t actually want to get rid of attachment. 

We’re afraid of the pain of disappointment.

Which of COURSE we are!

Disappointment sucks. Being let down sucks. Life not going how we thought it would be INCREDIBLY painful. Devastating even. We can risk it all and lose it all. We can be rejected in ways that shake us to our core. We can lose people and futures that were never going to be what we had hoped even though we invested SO much into creating those futures. We can bank on an outcome and lose it entirely.

The Actual 'Solution' To The Pain Of Attachment:

What we want to recognize here is that we don’t actually want to get rid of attachment, rather we want to learn how to PROCESS the disappointment and aftermath of an attachment that led to pain. We want to learn how to adjust our expectations so that the things we get attached to have a better chance of being secure and going at least partially how we thought they would. We want to get good at LEARNING from our failed attachments so that we can be more informed and make better judgment next time. We want to learn to be compassionate with ourselves so that when we get disappointed, let down and hurt in the future we can walk ourselves through it. We want to learn to watch out for attachments that have a good chance of being secure and attachments that don’t. We want to learn from our failed attachments and we want to feel we have some autonomy when things go wrong - THAT is what’s really empowering here.

We want to learn to navigate our propensity for attachment so that we can use it to help us grow, expand and create better and better lives - where we INCLUDE the loss, confusion, heartbreak and loneliness of failed attachments as equally useful learning tools for our growth - even if that growth is learning to nurture and care for ourselves after being hurt (ie. it’s not always about saying we made a mistake or that we were to blame for what happened.)

• Compassion for ourselves, Processing the disappointment.
• Learning to reach out for community support when plans don’t go through.
• Learning to CREATE community support for those who’s experiences have been harmful in some way.
• Learning to grieve the loss of what never was, of potential, of hoped for realities that never came to be.
• Learning to make it ok that we were wrong, that we misjudged, that we got close to something that wasn’t to be.
• Learning how to feel so that we can learn what there is to learn from our failed attachments.
• Developing a keener sense of what is a safe bet and what isn’t.
• Learning to embrace the fact that in reality, we’re CONSTANTLY attaching ourselves to that which we hope will turn out. Learning to love and lose.
• Learning to try and fail. Learning to learn.

THIS is the remedy for attachment.

Compassion for ourselves so we can learn what we need to learn and then move forward with as much self love as possible.

Attachment isn't the issue - not knowing how to process disappointment is the issue.

Can you feel that? How does that idea resonate?

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Let's take a break here and come back next week for our exploration on empathy.

<3