Last week we talked about how abusive teachers pull us in.
We explored how we often have no idea we are being sucked into something that isn’t healthy until it’s too late.
This week, we are going to look at how we can protect ourselves from getting pulled in by toxic teachers, and how we can get out once we realize we are in something harmful.
Because remember - no one joins something KNOWING it’s abusive or harmful. We are always just trying to feel better.
So let’s see if we can remove any shame or stigma that may be attached to being hurt or harmed by a teacher or teaching so we can find a way to come into freedom and alignment.
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People Get Sucked In Because Of They System - Not Because Of Moral Or Intellectual Failing
As we were exploring last week, the most common thing that happens when we are getting involved with toxic or harmful teachers, is that we get pulled in through a deep, emotional connection that is generated by the teacher on some level, then we are offered solutions to our problems that really DO seem to work in the beginning - because the reality is none of us would get into or stay into something that very obviously had no truth to it at all.
This is something that’s REALLY important to remember when we are looking at anyone who has gotten involved in any kind of toxic situation or when we are looking at ourselves - there is a method to how people are manipulated into harmful groups and teachings, and it’s not happening because people are unintelligent, gullible or otherwise incapable on any level - it happens because truly good, reasonable people just want better for themselves.
We have to be really careful about suspending our desire to judge or to otherwise assume that people who get into these situations are flawed in some way because the reality is, under the right conditions this can truly happen to any of us.
From here, there is almost always a community element that serves to cement our involvement in whatever it is we’re getting involved in.
The group of others who have suffered like we have suffered, who are finding relief, who are finding answers and who are going to be there to offer us love, acceptance and ANSWERS along with the teacher/teaching.
It’s not just that we fall for a teacher or teaching - when we get really deep into toxic teachings it’s almost always due to the fact that there are other people out there who are making us feel seen, heard, validated and important. Who are telling us that if we just keep trying, keep doing more, keep participating - that we will find that heaven we are looking for.
These people who are going to make us feel like we are a part of something bigger than ourselves - that we haven’t just found the solution we have been looking for for our own purposes, but that there is a grander vision to whatever it is we’re involved with. There will oftentimes be an ‘us against them’ mentality that isolates us from the outside world on some level, and there is almost always an element of being directed to FEAR the outside world.
In these teachings again, we are almost invariably going to find that part of the draw in, is the fear-mongering we are going to be exposed to about how dangerous, scary, harmful or otherwise unintelligent the outside world is.
There will be messages of how ‘big pharma’ is out to get us, how toxic the water supply is, how the way that most people think is wrong and a kind of brain-washing. There will be messages about how we can’t trust our friends, families and other practitioners - and we will be prone to believe these scare-tactics because of our experiences of being misunderstood, gas-lit or otherwise unsupported in our attempts to find answers and heal ourselves in the past.
This whole system will be what sets us up to feel deeply committed to a path that, in real reality, isn’t going to serve us and isn’t actually going to heal us in the ways we are being told it will. This whole system is important for creating the foundations for us to eventually get to a place where we feel so isolated from the outside world, so dependent upon the teacher and teaching to be ‘the thing that’s going to save us’, so deeply connected to a community of people who are all deeply attached to the teacher and teachings and a sense that WE have the secret information that ‘they’ are trying to hide from us, that when we stop getting results, when we start being abused or harmed and when the cracks in the ‘perfect’ teaching start to show - we are willing to keep going, digging our heads into the sand and denying reality.
These foundations are important for the abuse to take place - because without them we WOULD likely recognize it for what it is, and would be much more capable of leaving.
When we get stuck, when results stall, when it starts to become apparent that what we are in ISN’T the ‘ultimate’ answer - rather than being able to see this and leave, we are convinced that the real answer is to go deeper, harder and stronger into the program - and this is where it gets really toxic.
There Is Never A Ceiling
When the wheels start to fall off in terms of us actually finding the results we want, when we start to notice the cracks in the experience of those around us, when we start to see the flaws and inconsistencies in the teacher or teaching - rather than being guided to find other tools, being supported in our quest to seek outside information, being encouraged to step back and find what may work for us - we are always going to be told to just ‘keep going to the next level/trying harder’ with the teacher or teaching.
But the problem is - there will be no ceiling on this.
This is where things reach their critical mass in terms of our vulnerability.
This is where sexual exploitation, emotional manipulation, spiritual abuse, financial ruin and all other ways that we can be taken advantage of will start to really take hold.
This is where we will be told that we need to buy more - more retreats, more books, more sessions, more tools, more supplements, more, more and more - until we are literally taking out loans and going into debt to keep ourselves ‘leveling up.’
This is where the power dynamic will have reached such a dangerous imbalance that sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental and spiritual abuse is almost a guarantee - where we will be willing to believe that anything that is asked of us by the teacher or teaching is reasonable, and anything that we are failing to see in terms of results is due to our lack of SOMETHING - and we wil then be willing to keep sticking around even as we are shamed, blamed, guilted or made to feel awful.
This is where we will start to see how the people in the teachers inner circle will always defend their guru and make anything that they do seem like it was the ‘right thing’ even when it is blatant and obvious abuse.
This again happens, because we are already so deeply invested, we are feeling isolated and afraid of the world around us, we have found so much community and connection, we have been deeply emotionally validated and we have been given the hope that if we just do good enough that eventually, what we are doing is GOING to work.
We want to believe that the teacher or teaching is perfect, because we have invested so much time, energy, money and most importantly HOPE into the program, that to question it now is to lose SO much of our security, foundation and what we believed was holding us together.
To leave now would be to have to walk away from the SURE THING that we had.
Which is often just WAY too much.
We were struggling too much. We were too isolated before. We have cut connections with too many others and have nowhere to return to. We have built such a strong sense of belonging to a community. We HAD THE ANSWER that we could always turn to whenever we were struggling or things were hard. We have deepened our fear of the outside world to such a degree that even considering letting go of what we’re in just feels like we are going to lose EVERYTHING.
The cognitive dissonance of having to question what we have been so served by, of having to doubt what was giving us our hope and strength, of having to question the very people we have been leaning on, of having to doubt our own sense of right and wrong/ability to read people and find answers - this is all SO MUCH.
Getting Out
This is why we will stick around when we start getting obviously abused and harmed.
This is why we will actively participate in the abuse and harm of others - without really seeing it as this but rather seeing it as trying to HELP others.
This is why we will make excuses for teachers who are doing obviously abusive things to others or to us.
This is why we will continue to invest even when we aren’t seeing the results that have been promised.
This is why we will continue to doubt ourselves, our commitment, our ‘doing it right’ to the enth degree instead of taking a step back and thinking ‘if this were really the perfect solution it’s being touted as, why do I NEED to be trying to hard to do it perfectly all the time? Why is there always a next level? Why is enough never enough? Why do I need to be around the teacher to feel good? Why does the teacher or teaching make me feel worse about myself?’
We also have to realize and recognize that just as we have been rewarded and celebrated for any and all good results we’ve gotten (as this serves to bolster the confidence of everyone else who’s participating and serves to prop up the teacher or teachings, lending credibility to the cause) we will also likely have been experiencing an erosion of our self esteem along the way.
So often in these groups, there will be a double-message - one the one hand we will be being told how special, wise and amazing we are for finding the ‘true path’ and for doing so well - but on the other there will be SO much talk about how people who leave the teacher/teaching are bad, morally failing, flawed in some way and broken. There will be a MAJOR fear that if we were to lose the group we would lose everything. There will be SO much talk about how deeply incapable we are without the teacher/teaching, and how flawed anyone who judges the teacher or teaching are.
Dependency will be a massive factor. We will end up feeling like if we were to get out, if we were to leave, that we can’t trust ourselves, that we will have no community, that we will lose the stability that we had and that we will then be one of the ‘bad ones’ who are going back to a world of danger and delusion.
THIS is why getting out is SO hard.
The first step here is starting to let ourselves have those questions that we likely have.
There is not going to be any way to rush this step.
We aren’t going to be ready until we’re ready.
Which is what can be so hard, scary and frustrating about this whole process.
We can’t force ourselves or anyone else to ‘see’ what we are not yet ready to see - and sometimes it takes going really deep into something before we are going to be ready to see it.
Which means again, compassion is everything.
From here, there really is no ‘one way’ to ‘get ourselves out’ - as there are many ways that we may be stuck in, and so many different situations we may find ourselves in in terms of the consequences that have occurred via being in.
This is why I am going to defer to experts.
If you are a part of something like this, if you are recognizing the above signs in a group you’re a part of, if you’re starting to see that you are involved in something that’s harming you or others and that you need to get out - please check out the following resources:
Check Out This List Of Resources For More
You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, and there’s hope on the other side. I promise. You are not going to lose everything, you are not going to lose all hope
How To Avoid Getting Pulled In
The very first thing we want to recognize when it comes to these toxic teachers and teachings is this - if ANYONE is telling you that they have the FULL answer to any of your issues, if anyone is telling you that they are the ONE source of the information you need, if ANYONE is telling you that you can’t trust any outside source and if anyone is telling you that you are at once ‘super special’ for seeing what you’re seeing but also that you need the teacher/teaching otherwise you will never get where you want to go - this is a big red flag.
Second, if any teacher is claiming to have supernatural abilities, if they are claiming to have special knowledge that only they have access to, if they are claiming that they see/know/understand things in a way that no one else does or if they are on any level claiming to be better than all other humans - this is another huge red flag.
Next, if you are being given answer that work on a level, but as soon as you hit a plateau or realize that the program or teaching isn’t fulfilling all of your needs, and rather than being honored and supported in looking for other sources of information, rather than being told that sometimes this program doesn’t work 100% for everyone, rather than being encouraged to expand your view to other things you are instead being told that you need to invest more, go harder, go to the next level or otherwise that it’s about more time/money/energy being put into the program - see this as a red flag.
Is the teacher or teaching sold via the idea that everything and everyone else ‘out there’ is dangerous? Is out to get you? Is a big, obvious problem?
Is there a continual encouragement to invest more time, money and resources into the protocol and program? Constant retreats? Next books? Next events? More sessions? Is there ever an ‘enough’ where you are encouraged to simply take what you have learned or been given and to experiment with it for a while, to play around with it, to adjust it to fit your life - or is there a perpetual need to ‘perfect’ what you are doing to align PERFECTLY with what’s being taught in a way that’s actually incredibly difficult to achieve or even measure?
Are you being EMOTIONALLY triggered? Are you being offered a para-social connection where you feel deeply connected to the teacher/teaching in a way that they can’t ever actually reciprocate? Is there a feeling that this person or this community SEES YOU in a way that no one else ever has or does - and is this a large part of the ‘sell?’
Finally, look at the community. Is there any room for dissent? Is there encouragement to isolate from friends, family or others who do not subscribe to the teacher or teachings? Is there a constant narrative about how dangerous the ‘outside’ world is? Is there constant talk about how stupid/ignorant/brainwashed/delusional anyone who doesn’t follow the teacher or teaching is? Is there a perpetual circling of the wagon around the teacher or teaching or is there room for questioning, doubt, seeing lack and holes and an admission that this isn’t the ‘whole picture?’
If any of the above is occurring, I highly highly recommend that you proceed with great caution.
Healthy teachers and teachings will be humble.
They will, right off the bat, be very transparent about where their information came from so that it can be vetted.
They will admit that their teachings couldn’t POSSIBLY work for everyone, because this is actually impossible.
They will admit that they don’t hold all the keys to healing, and they will encourage you to seek outside sources of support and information.
They will encourage you to remain committed to the rest of your community, friends, family and outside world to the degree that that is safe and effective for you.
They will encourage questioning, doubt and dissent, and will be open to admitting when they are wrong or when their words or actions cause harm. They will CHANGE when this is brought to their attention.
Healthy communities will not be insular, and they will not put the fear of God in you about anyone or anything outside of the community.
They will never shame you, blame you or make you feel like your problems are a result of your failing or lack of taking responsibility for yourself.
They will not keep raising the bar in terms of what is required of you to be getting results.
They will never ask you to cross your personal boundaries to remain a part of the group or to keep going with the teachings.
THIS is what a healthy teacher or teaching will look like and feel like.
If it’s anything other than this, I highly, highly recommend that you again, go in very slowly, take your time, and check in with yourself often. That you don’t abdicate yourself for the group, and that you never fully invest yourself in ANYTHING.
I hope this series has served to support you in finding tools that work for you that don’t lead to you risking being sucked into something deeply harmful or painful.
There are lots of toxic teachers and teachings out there, and we are never going to be able to point them all out individually or raise enough awareness that they don’t operate and that we aren’t ever at risk of being pulled in - our biggest power is to learn how to recognize these things for ourselves, and to learn how to steer-clear when we see the signs of toxicity.
And remember, the biggest thing - you are not broken and you are not dependent upon anyone or anything outside of yourself for healing - look to others as supports, guides and sources of information to gleen from, to learn from and to utilize on your PATH, always returning to the reality that you are going to require many different things as you grow, and that no one teacher or teaching will EVER have all the answers.
Be kind to yourself if the pain you are in has made you vulnerable to these groups. There’s nothing wrong with you and they know how to use your vulnerability against you. There is no shame in wanting to feel better, and in wanting to do good - and that is always why we get pulled into anything toxic.
Always remember that.
Sending you all my love.
<3
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