Hello Love!
If you've been in the spirituality/self help/personal growth world for... any amount of time... chances are you've heard about being 'triggered' by someone.
In this, when you've noticed that someones behavior is hurting you, or when you've asked someone to alter their behavior that you find to be harmful, you may have been met with something like the following:
'I'm doing light work for you by triggering you. What I'm triggering in you is something YOU need to work on, not something I need to do anything about. My triggering you is actually a GOOD thing because it's going to help you deal with and process YOUR trauma so that you can become a better person.'
If you've come up against this, you may be very confused.
Is it your responsibility to be ok with any and all behavior?
Is it ALWAYS your job to change when you're triggered by someone?
Is it always true that being triggered is an opportunity to heal something within, never a reason to change something in the external?
Is it ever the other person who's actually being harmful (even if their behavior is triggering something from our past) and that is what needs to change?
Do we heal by being triggered?
Is this really light work?
Let's dive into all of this today. Because this is actually quite nuanced and not so straight forward.
First Off: Healing Doesn't Happen IN A Trigger:
We rarely, if ever, actually HEAL or INTEGRATE a trauma/trigger while we are being traumatized/triggered.
If someone is saying to you that they’re triggering you with their behavior, and it’s your job to deal with that/heal/that THEY are working as a ‘light-worker/healer’ by being a mirror for you - this is spiritual gaslighting and manipulation.
This is not how healing works, ever.
A trigger is sometimes alerting us to pain that truly DOES exist in THIS MOMENT - and that pain will either be guiding us to change something in our environment to better suit our needs, or it can be an opportunity to learn to see something in a new way, as the pain we’re in is due to us seeing something false.
A trigger can also be something that deeply REMINDS our nervous systems of a time when we felt or were victimized/powerless/in a state where we were being harmed or really THOUGHT we were being harmed, that isn’t actually happening right now - but it FEELS to us like it is.
What’s important here is to understand that no matter what kind of trigger we’re experiencing, the body and mind are going to go into defense mode - self protection - which means we are going to dive into our nervous system PROGRAMS - repeating whatever pattern we usually enact during this specific trigger - as that’s what the body/mind thinks it HAS to do to keep you ALIVE. This is what the body/mind do when they perceive threat - what we’ve always done, as to the body ALL threat is physical threat and anything that ‘worked’ in the past is what we want to repeat. In times of feeling danger the body/mind DON’T want to see/do anything differently as there’s no guarantee this will work. We will watch ourselves respond how we always have, see things how we always have in moments of trigger because we’re scared.
In Trigger We Repeat Patters:
This is why when we’re triggered it can so often feel like our rational capacity goes out the window - because it does. We may have been able to see things clearly before, or to take new action at times - but when deeply triggered until we have re-learned that new way of being SO often that the body now TRUSTS it as a safe reaction, we’re going to default to the old patterns. The nervous system takes over - and in order to change these patterns of behaviour, we either need to shift how the mind body perceives reality so that it’s in alignment with the power/safety we actually have OR we need to shift the environment so that we’re no longer in harm's way.
This re-patterning takes TIME and consistent EFFORT - as well as SAFETY. The body/nervous system has to come into relative states of relaxation in order to do new things. In order to SEE new things. In order to accurately assess what’s happening and what needs to be done about it. This doesn’t mean we have to rid ourselves of the trigger to get safe - but it does mean we work that muscle of safety within over and over to get to a regulated enough place to expand rather than contract when we’re in fear.
Re-wiring a trigger in our bodies/shifting our environment so that the trigger no longer exists takes time, effort and consistency - as well as a lot of love, compassion and practicing doing new things as we soothe the body/mind that will be freaking out/resisting looking to establish and keep the perception we already had - as that was our safety.
Being triggered is only awareness.
Awareness isn’t curative.
We don’t heal in awareness.
We don’t transmute in awareness.
We can learn things, expand our perceptions, get ideas for what to do next - but healing and integration happens in the actions we take first to soothe ourselves and then to respond to the trigger WITH that new awareness, from a place of as much internal safety as possible. At times, the ONLY answer to a trigger is to remove ourselves - again there are some things that are simply objectively harmful that we should never try to become ok with - like trying to become ok with having our hand on a burner. That is ALWAYS going to cause damage - and the ‘trigger’ of the burning sensation isn’t something we should muscle our way through. Sometimes the answer is ‘this is harmful and the answer is to make it stop.’ Other times, it’s true that we’re seeing reality incorrectly OR it’s a growth opportunity to learn to be ok with things that are out of our control/aren’t going to change/don’t actually need to change because the damage we perceive is being done actually isn’t.
Sorting Inner Trigger From Something That Needs To Change:
There’s no ‘easy’ way to figure out what kind of trigger we’re in - and this is again why I say the foundation of this actual integration work is time and consistency. Safety. Checking things. Trying things. Removing ourselves. Seeing what we can do if we can’t remove ourselves. The trigger doesn’t heal and being triggered doesn’t heal - it only points us to where the pain is, and drives us to investigate the cause of that pain.
Someone can trigger us - and if they want to help us integrate - the first step is to stop the trigger - not always forever as sometimes we can’t change reality, and at other times we DO need to stop the trigger forever when the ‘trigger’ is really something objectively harmful that you should never have to learn to tolerate.
This is step one because when we’re being triggered, it’s the same as feeling as though we’re being attacked - and in that state of feeling attacked it really doesn’t matter how much mental manipulating you try to do of yourself - you’re likely NOT going to be able to see reality nor are you going to be able to figure out the best course of action moving forward/to actually integrate whatever past trauma is being mirrored in your current reality - unless you’ve been working this particular trigger for a while already and have some mastery with it.
When we’re in a state of fear, we shut down and repeat patterns. This is how our nervous systems work. If the triggering person can’t hold this space - that’s their choice, they don’t have to change for you - but you also don’t have to STAY there, and you can also take space.
Is Triggering Someone On Purpose 'Light-Work'?
It’s no act of ‘light work’ to trigger someone intentionally.
That’s usually something WE do unconsciously - and if we’re doing it consciously, I would highly suggest we don’t actually have the other person's best interest at heart.
To truly help someone through a trigger, would be to help make them SAFE so that they can explore and investigate their feelings and experiences, so that they can figure out what’s past and what’s present, so that they can resolve within themselves what’s harmful and what’s ok - if you want to claim to be helping, that’s the path to that end.
You can be there as a witness and safe space, you can also be there to listen to see where/if your behavior needs adjusting because the ‘trigger’ you were being was actually you being harmful in some way you didn’t realize.
That’s something we can CHOOSE to do if we want, but again it’s not a responsibility of ours. Even if our behavior is objectively harmful - technically we don’t have to change - but it’s not the other person's job to simply tolerate or understand US either. It’s not always them. Not always us. Usually there’s a mix of both.
If we discover that what we were doing to trigger the other IS rooted in their past trauma and they aren’t currently able to see that - it’s NEVER our job to stick around and keep triggering them in an attempt to get them to see it - again, we would in this situation want to approach with LOTS of love and compassion, make it safe for them, VALIDATE what they’re experiencing, and if they’re open to working on it, that can be done. If not - it’s better to decide for yourself if it’s better for you to exit the situation where you know you’re going to be triggering in something that’s actually innocent but will lead you to experience whatever consequence of their being triggered that will occur, or if you want to shift your behavior or exit the situation. It’s your job to decide what YOU can handle as someone who is triggering, how much the other party is capable of owning their reaction, and what you feel is integral for yourself.
If you’re consciously BEING triggered by someone, and they aren’t able to have compassion and make a safe space for you - please know this isn’t light work.
Even if the other person is TOTALLY in the right and you’re seeing things wrong - it’s still never ok to know you’re triggering someone and to choose to keep doing it just because you can.
There’s a difference between being yourself and knowing your behaviour isn’t harmful/being able to moderate yourself so as to facilitate a transformation if the other party is game - and SPECIFICALLY choosing to be triggering as some form of thinking it’s your job to awaken someone to their pain/can simply write off any consequences of your actions on the other because it’s ‘there work’.
Light work is a two way street that starts with compassion.
It’s not your job to change for someone, but it is also NOT your job to INTENTIONALLY trigger anyone. The world is triggering enough. On the flip side, if you’re being triggered by someone and you’re not able to work through it as they’re triggering you - the BEST thing to do is remove yourself. Take a break. Take a pause. Communicate what you’re experiencing. Dive in. Explore. Not forever - again sometimes we just need SPACE to integrate, and then we will be able to be around a triggering person and remain safe. Sometimes again, we just need to leave because it’s not actually safe.
Healing Happens In SAFETY:
Healing doesn’t happen IN the trigger. Eventually we learn to get triggered and respond in a new way - but that’s the RESULT of healing - that’s not what healing IS. That’s the result of doing our integration work. That comes from achieving relative safety either within or without so that we can coax our nervous systems into seeing something new, and then doing something new.
Someone saying that they’re healing you by triggering you on purpose or in a very direct way without being willing to take any responsibility/hold any space for you - isn’t reality. Someone who knows what triggers you and uses that information to continually trigger you as a way of ‘healing you’ is being manipulative. It’s not a healthy thing. Sometimes a person can’t help the way they are and or again, knows that you’re seeing something that isn’t in alignment with what’s actually happening - and in that they should be able to express that to you. And then YOU need to decide what you’re going to do with that - learn to work with it/make yourself safe or exit so you can integrate. They aren’t always going to change for you, nor is that always healthy. They may not even want to hold space for you and help you process - again that’s ok. You need to decide for YOU what YOU can handle given how THEY are going to be. But pushing yourself to TOLERATE an INTENTIONAL triggering isn’t going to heal you. Learning to navigate someone just being how they are is another thing - but again, you still need to be validated and made safe in how you’re seeing it first before you’ll be able to learn that.
It’s not always their job to change or hold space for you - it’s just to say that being intentionally triggering is NOT healing.
Never let anyone guilt you into staying in a relationship that’s triggering for you, where you’re constantly being triggered and not held. It’s often MUCH better to remove yourself from this kind of behavior as much as possible while you explore and find safety first - then if you want to return and see if you can handle it differently - great! If they can have compassion and hold space and you can work through it TOGETHER - awesome.
If you have space to figure out what’s you and what’s past and what’s them and what’s harm - go for it. But if it’s JUST a trigger storm over and over - there won’t be progress. That’s not healing or light work. That’s manipulation.
Let’s learn the difference.
<3
