How Self Love Takes Us Out Of Our Toxic Systems

At first glance, the self love path looks like one that is all about the self. 

Which of course, it IS when we are first getting into it.

Many of us need some time and space to really ground into our own sense of worthiness, our own sense of power and control, our own autonomy and our own HUMANITY because our culture has taken a LOT of this from us.

Many of us need some time where we are deeply focused within, where we aren’t looking to change the world or ‘fix’ ourselves - because we’ve been DOING that for so long, often at the expense of ourselves. We need to take a break from all the ‘fixing’ that we’ve been doing, to let ourselves rest and recover.

When we first get onto the self love path, many of us need time to re-connect or to connect for the first time with our true emotions, our deep feelings, our bodies and our past experiences so that we can learn how to process these things.

Most importantly, we need a break from fixing. We need a break from trying to ‘become’ something other than what we are in this moment. We need a break from trying to alter ourselves so that we will be more acceptable, more loveable, more worthy and good - and we need to learn how to shift into a state of self support, into a state of being curious about what we actually want and need, and what it means to honor who we are.

The self love path begins with this journey inward where we can FINALLY see the endless wheels of shame and guilt that our culture has us spinning on that leave us in a perpetual state of manufactured insecurity for what they are - lies. We learn how to question these stories so that we can find the truth about our humanity underneath - that we are fundamentally good and innocent, and that all we really need is self awareness and support not fixing. The shame and guilt stories that lead us into a state of constantly running from ourselves, constantly trying to fix what isn’t broken about us, and constantly feeling that any pain or lack of success we are experiencing is caused by our inherent ‘lack’ need to be recognized as tools for manipulation, and through self love we learn how to navigate them with curiosity and compassion. We need to start to see the truth - that we are always doing our best, and that our pain is a messenger about what isn’t working in our lives and not a sign that we are fundamentally flawed.

The path get’s us off the rollercoaster of constantly trying to ‘become’ something that the external world says we must become in order to be ‘good’ and onto the path where we can learn who we actually ARE, what actually works for us practically, and how we can build lives that support us vs. constantly trying to force ourselves to fit into a system that isn’t designed for human thriving.

The self love path helps us re-connect to the humanity we have been so deeply indoctrinated to reject - and this can be a harrowing task in a world that is set up to make sure we NEVER do this. 

Thus, we need to give ourselves grace that initially this path IS going to look very ‘self centered’ because in reality, it will be. 

‘Normal’ Life Is All About Shame, Blame And Guilt

We also have to remember that ‘normal’ life is also very self centered as well - being in that state of perpetual self improvement and trying to become ‘better’, constantly working to produce or consume more in order to find happiness, perpetually working to fix our flaws and trying to be socially acceptable are ALL forms of deep self focus - but the problem is that this kind of self centeredness traps us in our flawed systems and it effectively ERASES who we ACTUALLY are in favor of us trying to ‘become’ something that will serve the system - where as the above type of self centeredness will actually lead us to true awareness of what’s happening, and it will give us the BEST chance we have at becoming activists for a better world for all of us - eventually.

What most of us don’t realize is that by being continually consumed with the shame and guilt our society WANTS us to be consumed by, we actually keep ourselves very small, and we keep ourselves living as active participants in this system that causes us harm and causes harm to everyone and everything around us.

The reality is, most of us are living lives where we are constantly in a state of shame/blame/guilt, where we are driving to try to fix ourselves, improve ourselves or change ourselves on some level.

We are living in a world that has convinced us that we are never good enough, that what we do is never good enough, that what we have is never good enough and that what we have accomplished is never good enough. 

We live in a world that puts SO much pressure on us to ‘be’ something - and that ‘what we have to be’ is constantly shifting and changing as trends, seasons and ideas of what’s ‘right and wrong’ shift and change - on purpose.

We live in a constant state of manufactured discontent - where our systems artificially create a sense of not being safe/not being enough/not having enough or actually not having enough via unequal and unfair distribution of resources, unfair and exploitative labor practices, and media that continually triggers us into feeling like we’re one moment away from being rejected and thus made to be unsafe and vulnerable. We are perpetually pitted against ourselves and one other, leaving us feeling a deep lack of connection and then we’re told that this lack of connection is due to our inadequacy - leading to more shame, blame and guilt that keeps us from seeing what’s really going on.

We are directed to be in a constant state of seeing everyone around us as an ‘other’ so that we always feel unsafe and like others have power over us/that we must exert dominance in order to be ok. This leaves us feeling deeply isolated and like a community isn’t available, which again triggers us deep in our nervous systems and causes us to be vulnerable to more manipulation.

This is all playing on our very real human needs to be safe, nourished and able to express ourselves - and using these needs as a manipulation tool. We are constantly being triggered into feeling unsafe, like we can’t express ourselves, like we’re going to be rejected and like others are dominating our existence - and this makes us deeply vulnerable to people who want to take advantage of us in our fear.

This insecurity is driving us to continually look for the flaws in OURSELVES that we think are the ‘cause’ of our pain, because we are perpetually told that WE are the REASON everything is or isn’t happening to us. We are constantly told that the ‘solutions’ to all of our pain can either be found through some form of consumption or some form of production - through some avenue of fixing ourselves so that we can be/do more, or through some form of doing and being enough that we have the capital to CONSUME more goods/services that will ease our pain. 

Everything from the culture that tells us we need to hustle and grind more to that which tells us we need to be constantly in a state of ‘service’ is doing this to us. 

Everything from the culture that teaches us that luxury and wealth will save us from all that ails us to culture that tells us to be minimalist hippies who still have all the right things and do all the right things is doing this to us. 

We are deeply indoctrinated into the idea that there is a simple, self-based solution to everything, and that if we are still in pain after we have tried all of this, that this means we are fundamentally broken or in need of MORE fixing through self help/spirituality/personal growth and so on.

 In THIS we are being directed AWAY from what’s really happening, what we really need, and the actual solutions to our problems - and directed towards a kind of destructive self involvement that really ISN’T about knowing ourselves, but rather is about trying to force ourselves to become ‘good’ in the eyes of the system.

We are all trained to see any part of self that doesn’t fit in, that can’t get along, that struggles with the way things are as being what’s ‘wrong’ with us, and we are trained to fight to fix these things in ourselves or to pay others to help us fix these things - never once considering that we may not be flawed, but rather RESPONDING to a messed up system, that we may be in need of SUPPORT so we can take actual empowered action rather than needing to be given ‘answers’ by someone outside of us on how to ‘do life better’ in terms of fitting in.

All of this leads to chaos and destruction, while we desperately try to create something better for ourselves.

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Let’s take a break here and come back next week for a deeper dive into why the shame, blame and guilt of our culture keeps us locked in the systems of harm that have been normalized, and how self love actually drives us to be LESS selfish and more able to help make the world a better place.

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