Letting go.
For most of us, learning to let go is something we actually have to learn, and relearn and relearn over and over again.
For most of us, even when we know something isn’t the right fit, even when we know that what we have doesn’t work, even when we have an awareness that there could be something better on the other side of letting go - the actual process of releasing what we have now can be really hard.
This struggle becomes exponential when we are in a situation where we have to let go of something we really, really wanted. When we have to let go of something that we truly believed was going to make us happy or was going to solve our problems. When we have to let go but have no idea what’s going to come in to fill the hole left behind.
The deep, guttural fear that comes along with letting go is one that can really throw us for a loop - even when we are practiced at seeing patterns, at processing through our pain, at trusting the universe and at accepting and embracing the rhythms of life.
Today I want to explore some ways we can support ourselves when we are going through a period of having to let go.
At the end of the day, I think it’s unreasonable for any of us to expect that we’re going to be able to be in a happy, grounded and accepting place when life asks us to release. I think it’s unreasonable to ask ourselves to be perfectly calm and centered when we have to let go - especially when we have to let go in a way we didn’t expect or in a way that’s deeply painful because it’s not what we want.
So let’s set ourselves up with actual tools of support, instead of living in a world where we expect something unrealistic from ourselves, shall we?
The First Step In The Process Of Letting Go
First and foremost, what most of us really need in terms of taking a first step towards letting go of the things we need to let go of - is to accept that we feel how we feel about having to let go.
In other words, it’s really important that we make SPACE for ourselves to be sad, to be scared, to be in resistance, to be angry, to be whatever we are - without making ANY of those emotions wrong.
So much of the time when we are facing something emotionally challenging, the instinct is to try to resist, push down, deny and suppress the feelings we’re having.
The instinct is to try to get RID of our sadness, to deny our fear, to push away our anger or to otherwise try to make ourselves get into a state of acceptance as fast as possible - only to discover that all this does is drive us deeper into our resistance, deeper into our sadness, deeper into our anger - because the more we try to push an emotion away, the more it’s going to grow in its intensity.
Which then can make the whole situation we’re in that much worse - because now we’re not just in a state of pain over the loss, we’re also adding to that pain by adding fear and resistance to the natural emotions that are surfacing.
Many of us don’t realize that pushing emotions away actually makes them more intense. Many of us deeply FEAR our emotions and believe that if we were to let ourselves feel them, that they would swallow us up whole - which takes us to a place where we turn to coping mechanisms, numbing agents and other survival strategies to manage our emotions, which again, will likely lead to an even DEEPER feeling of pain.
It’s a whole mess of having the actual pain of letting go, the emotions that come along with that letting go and then the resistance to those emotions and all the ways we try to cope with the emotions which again, often have negative side effects and leave us feeling even worse rather than better in the long run.
Which can then increase the belief that our emotions are dangerous, that we must suppress and deny them, leading to MORE coping and numbing and ever MORE pain from coping and numbing - you get the picture.
On the other side of the spectrum, we may be in a place where we so deeply DON’T want to let go, that we won’t let ourselves experience the sadness, anger, pain or grief that we have about having to let go, because we are in a state of fighting with having to let go. We aren’t even at a place where our true emotions could come up to be processed, because we are working so hard to reverse course - to hold onto what we have, to make it work, to make it come back, to try to fix whatever caused the split - leading to deep pain and resistance.
Letting go isn’t just about letting go - it’s a deeply complex and often very, very emotionally tumultuous process, and it’s one that I think a lot of us need to develop tools of compassion around and within.
Which is why the first step is to simply slow down, check in with ourselves, see where we’re at - and to make wherever we’re at OK.
The first step isn’t to try to convince ourselves to feel our feelings. It isn’t to try to convince ourselves to be ok with letting go. It’s not to try to stop ourselves from using our coping mechanisms or trying to force ourselves into a state of acceptance - as all this is going to do is add even more resistance and more pain to the mix.
Rather, it’s to slow down and simply get real with where we’re at - admitting that we aren’t ready to accept that we have to let go, admitting that we aren’t ready to face the emotions involved in letting go, admitting that we don’t want to have to let go, admitting that we are deeply sad, angry, upset, wishing things were different and wishing that we could change them, admitting that we’re using our coping mechanisms to suppress what we’re feeling and to run from the reality we’re not yet ready to face head on - and to make ALL of that OK.
The first step is to VALIDATE that we feel how we feel, that we’re responding how we’re responding and that we’re thinking what we’re thinking for a good reason.
To validate that there’s nothing wrong with us, that we aren’t messing things up, that we shouldn't be ‘doing’ better or be in a place that we’re at - but rather just making it ok that we are where we are.
The more we make space for where we’re at, the more we allow ourselves to just BE where we’re at, the more we allow ourselves to not fight against our natural instincts, feelings and desires in the moment - the more we’re going to find that we have a better time coming into a state where we CAN accept what’s happening, where we CAN move towards processing our emotions and where we CAN start to face what we need to face.
When we end the battle of believing we should be somewhere else, feeling something else or doing something else and we instead give ourselves that loving, compassionate, safe and supportive reassurance that we are valid - the more we’re going to come into a state of feeling as safe as we CAN feel within whatever's happening, and it’s always going to be in safety that we are able to process and move forward.
So wherever you’re at with what’s happening in your life, wherever you’re at with your journey of letting go - can you START with making it 100% ok that you’re at where you’re at?
Can you make it safe to be here right now?
Curiosity - What Am I Making This Mean?
From that place of deep self love, compassion and validation, when we feel ready, we can move into a state of curiosity.
We can start to, gently and when we’re ready, start what may be a VERY slow process of moving towards letting go, by first giving ourselves space to question the thoughts, stories and narratives we have around the loss we are experiencing, and seeing if we can help ourselves let go of any stories that are deeply painful or otherwise lead us into a place of making the letting go process even WORSE than it has to be.
For many of us, we go into a deep state of fear and resistance when we are being asked to let go of whatever it is we’re being ask to let go of - not because the actual letting go is all that bad (even though sometimes it is and that is something I want to validate and acknowledge right off the bat), but rather its the stories we’re telling ourselves about what letting go is going to MEAN for us, our live and our future that are creating a lot of the pain.
Many of us don’t recognize that we aren’t simply observing the reality that we have to let go in a neutral, or even factual way - but rather we are already 10 or 15 steps ahead of ourselves in terms of believing that letting go is going to mean this, that and the other thing about our lives and THIS is what’s creating a lot of the fear and resistance that we’re then finding ourselves stuck in and coping with.
Which is why it can be SO helpful to take a step back and actually question where our minds have gone in terms of creating stories and meaning about letting go.
To practice this, I invite you to answer the following questions about what you believe letting go MEANS for you and your life right now:
- When I think about losing or letting go of what I have lost or need to let go of, what do I believe this is going to MEAN about my life and my future?
- What do I believe this loss means about ME as a person?
- What do I believe this loss is going to do to the plans that I had made for my life?
- What do I believe I am losing here that I can never get back again?
- Where do I believe that what I am losing right now is essential to my happiness?
- Where do I feel like I am losing support that I need?
- Where do I feel like I’m losing my chance at a future that I deeply want?
- Where do I feel like this loss means that I can never be happy, safe or secure ever again?
- If I really am losing what I am afraid I’m losing, what do I fear is going to be the result of that? And then what? And then what? And then what?
- Where do I believe I’m not allowed to ask for help, support or guidance in terms of processing and getting through this loss? Where do I believe I’m all alone in this?
- If I were to surrender to this loss, what am I afraid will happen?
- If I were to accept this loss - what would that require of me? What kind of support would I need? What kind of shifts would I need to make to my life in order to support myself?
Taking some time to dig into the belief systems you currently have around the loss you are experiencing, and then allowing yourself to see if you can question any stories that feel really painful or like they are ‘trapping’ you in some way is a really important step towards finding our power in the event of loss.
Sometimes we need to recognize that we are reacting to our beliefs about what the loss is going to mean about our future or what it means about us as a human, more than we’re reacting to the actual loss.
It can be incredibly beneficial to slow down and take the time to notice where we are struggling to accept the STORIES we are creating that aren’t actually happening vs. where we are struggling to accept the actual loss itself.
So can you take the time to look at the stories you have, and then deeply question them? Can you work to bring yourself into the reality you’re actually living, into the circumstances you’re actually facing, into the truth of the reality that is currently occurring around you - and can you let yourself be in JUST that?
This is a vital step in the healing and letting go cycle.
Coming to terms with what IS and allowing ourselves to let go of any other stories or narratives that aren’t a part of our current, lived reality - so that we aren’t moving from a place of overwhelm and feeling out of control where we don’t actually have to be.
Can You Find Your NEXT STEP - And JUST Do That?
Finally, once you have done the work to question your stories and to bring yourself back into connection with only what’s actually happening right here, right now, the final piece of advice I want to give you is to set yourself up to ONLY look for your NEXT step.
When you give yourself space to validate yourself, and then allow yourself to come into your lived reality, you’re then going to find that you don’t actually have to figure your entire future out to be safe.
You’re going to find that processing this loss or even figuring out if you need to ‘let go’ or if what you are afraid to lose is something that you really do want to fight for doesn’t require knowing everything, being prepared for every possible outcome and every possible event, it doesn’t mean having to be in total control nor does it have to mean knowing exactly how everything is going to work out - rather all you ACTUALLY have to do is process what’s coming up in this moment, and then take whatever step is right in front of you to take.
It can be really easy and even tempting to run off into the future or to get stuck in our stories about the loss we are facing, so much so that we actually DO end up in a space where we’re overwhelmed and can’t move forward. When we are working from a place of disconnection from what’s actually happening, when we’re stuck in stories, when we’re resisting ourselves and where we’re at - we really DO put ourselves in a space where we CAN’T process or take steps.
Because we’re not connected to reality.
When we can give ourselves the space and time we need to just BE HERE, and when we can give ourselves permission to ONLY deal with what’s right in front of us to deal with - in THAT we are going to find the most empowerment. In that we are going to find that we can actually handle our emotions much more than we thought we could. In that we’re going to find that we are able to find where we need to/want to fight to hold on vs. where it actually feels right to move towards letting go. In that we’re going to figure out what kind of support we need and where we need to be asking for it. In that we’re going to figure out where we need to rest. Where we need to set ourselves up for the things we know are going to happen within the transition.
When we can give ourselves the space to ONLY deal with the RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, we are going to know when we need to spend our NOW planning for and taking action around the future, where we need to process an emotion, where we need to take a break and check out, where we need to ask for help - and so long as we are dealing with just what’s coming up NOW - we are going to find that everything gets taken care of.
We don’t need to be 10000 steps ahead.
We don’t need to process ALL of our emotions today.
We don’t need to be aware of all possibilities.
We don’t need to be fully accepting.
We only need to do what’s NEXT.
We only need to feel this NEXT emotion - knowing it WILL rise and fall on its own, it won’t last forever and we will be ok.
We only need to take ONE step, the next step, and that’s all we ever actually CAN do.
We only need to reach out for a hug or a kind friend to listen.
We only need to do the next thing.
This is how we handle loss.
We validate.
We question our thoughts and bring ourselves into the present moment.
We deal with just what’s happening right here, right now.
Over and over again.
This is the process - and you’re going to find that the more you practice it, the more you see that it works.
You don’t have to do this alone - again sometimes the next step we need to take is asking for support and that is totally reasonable and necessary sometimes.
You don’t have to process all of your emotions today - just the ones that are here right now.
You don’t have to plan for your whole future - you just need to take the one or two steps that are available for you to take today, knowing that the next steps will reveal themselves only after you take the ones that are here now.
You don’t have to fully accept it all today - and maybe you never will and that’s ok - you only need to accept that which you don’t have any control over right now, and then look for how you can SUPPORT yourself within that.
Loss is hard and painful, and there’s nothing wrong with you if this is your experience.
Focus on supporting yourself, validating yourself and doing just the next thing - and you will find your way.
<3
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