
Hello and welcome back!
In case you missed it, you can check out PART ONE of this series before reading this part.
Today we’re going to look at why there has to be a difference between how we handle the harm that OTHERS cause - especially the harm that they cause US - and how we handle OURSELVES when we notice that WE are causing harm.
Because the reality is, we don’t have the same control over others that we have over ourselves - and this control is something that makes a MAJOR difference in how we need to be working through finding the balance between empathy and forgiveness and boundaries.
How we handle others is not going to be the same as how we handle ourselves - and this is a MAJOR key if we want to find health and balance.
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The Way We Handle Harm In OTHERS
When we are ready to really move past the codependency that is so prevalent in the spirituality world, as well as when we are emotionally resilient enough to move past living in a situation where we go ‘scorched earth’ on anyone who causes us harm - both of which are totally REASONABLE reactions to harm given what a lot of us have been through - we are then ready to step into a more mature and more reasonable way of reacting and responding to the harm of others.
We are ready to step into a nuanced and complex view of what it means to be able to hold space for the fact that we are all imperfect beings who are GOING to mess up, who are going to have our blindspots, who are going to cause harm when we don’t mean to and who are going to have to go on a PROCESS to learn to be/do better - while also honoring that our humanity must be taken into account when we are dealing with others, understanding that we never want to sacrifice ourselves for the healing of someone else, nor do we want to cut ourselves off from GOOD ENOUGH relationships that have ROOM to grow into better, healthier dynamics.
We are ready to step into a place of really assessing what those around us are capable of in terms of their growth and expression, and we are ready to honestly assess what WE are capable of in terms of our own resilience, our own capacity to make and hold boundaries, our own capacity to emotionally regulate and our capacity to make ourselves safe and to ground where they is necessary.
Remember, for some of us, we are going to struggle greatly with setting boundaries and understanding that sacrificing ourselves for others, seeing the good in others even when they aren’t able to LIVE OUT that good, continually allowing ourselves to be harmed so that we don’t upset others and figuring out how to protect ourselves is going to be a HUGE thing. Many of us learned that the only way to be loved is to accept love that comes with pain. Many of us fear setting boundaries because we’re afraid that if we do, we will be totally alone and no one will be there to love us. Many of us have a lot of trouble with upsetting others and not being approved of - and when we set boundaries this is likely to be the outcome. Many of us are going to struggle with really knowing where we need to set a boundary to be safe, and where it’s ok to make space for someone to grow - and figuring all of this out isn’t easy.
On the flip-side, we also want to honor the fact that some of us have been hurt so badly that we aren’t in a place to be able to make room for those around us to grow into less abusive/harmful ways of being. We don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be able to make ourselves feel safe right now in the presence of someone who still has growing to do. Some of us have experienced too much harm in the past to make it feasible for us to be able to self-regulate and understand where we can be ok even when someone around us isn’t able to be perfect. This is ok. This is normal. This is natural.
We all have to honor our process and understand that we need what we need right now. Some of us are going to need therapy or to read books on what healthy dynamics look like in order to get to a place where we can start to figure out what’s right for us and what isn’t. Some of us need space. Some of us need inner healing and processing. This whole situation can be very messy and confusing, and we are all coming from such different places - and thus I don’t want to make it sound like there's ONE RIGHT ANSWER with any of this.
Rather, there are many different right answers at all different times and stages - and we just need to figure out where WE are, what WE are capable of and what serves us best in this moment.
From this place, when we are in a space to be able to be rational in terms of how we are assessing where others are and where we are in terms of being able to figure out what the healthiest way to handle someone’s harm is - we can again work from the foundational understanding that no one is inherently evil, or causing harm ‘on purpose’ just for the sake of it.
We must understand that ALL ATTACKS from human to human are founded on the idea that someone is THREATENING another's survival. THAT is why we attack one another. Online. In real life. You have something I think I need and I feel the only way I can get it is to dominate you/you have done something I perceive to be a threat to my way of life/you represent something or someone in my life that once threatened my survival or security and I’m not projecting THEM onto YOU and attacking THAT.
Elbert Hubbard wrote: “If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate” Again, I would like to add - if men could TRULY know one another, we could NEVER attack. If we could see that we are all a part of the ONE human race, the ONE body of life that lives and breathes together on this planet, if we could understand that ‘you’ are not really separate from ‘me’ but rather are part of the same whole - we would understand that attacking another is futile. We would understand that working together and cooperation IS the best way forward, and we would see SO much less antagonism, greed, abuse and neglect.
If we could see that SO MUCH of what we attack in OTHERS is that which we fear in OURSELVES - that as children when we were neglected/shamed/blamed/rejected for being who and what we were - that we then started to perceive these parts of self as an EXISTENTIAL THREAT - because they were threatening our capacity to be loved by our caregivers upon whom we were fully dependent - we would see that SO MUCH of what we hate in others is that which we have learned to hate in ourselves - but more than this, what we have learned to FEAR in ourselves as a THREAT to survival. That’s why we hate it and attack it when we see it in others. When we perceive that someone is like anyone or anything that overpowered us or victimized us or took what we needed from us again, we will project that childhood experience of having no power onto our now, and lash out. If we could see this, if we could do our work to integrate our shame, blame and guilt, there would be a WHOLE lot less projecting onto others, and thus a whole lot less attack on this planet.
If we could understand that hoarding, competing and working against one another seemingly for our personal gain - no matter how much it may lead to a temporary outcome of having what we want and need - that in the end, this always leads to WORSE outcomes than if we were to understand and work with one another - we would of course have a whole new planet!
We’re never actually attacking the human in front of us. Not really.
We’re attacking our IMAGINED THREAT that they represent.
We’re defending ourselves against an attack that is coming from someone who doesn't understand unity and who is projecting a threat onto us.
We’re doing our best to keep ourselves safe from either real or perceived harm, and in so doing we are making an enemy out of another, and we are doing so because we truly believe that we can’t or won’t be ok if they continue to be what they are, doing what they’re doing.
We’re put into situations where we have to fight AGAINST antagonists because of their projections. We are put into positions where we have to DEFEND OURSELVES from attack from people who again are projecting their fears onto us. When we are overpowered by a victimizer, that victimizer is seeing in us something that doesn’t really exist - a threat to their survival - and this goes round and round.
When someone lashes out at you, attacks you, victimizes you, overpowers you where they have the ability to - they are not evil. They are wounded and projecting.
*****Believe them.*****
Their Wound DOESN’T Erase The Harm They Cause
They are wounded and don’t have control over their wounds. Like a wounded animal, no matter how loving, kind, soft, compassionate or genuinely there to help you are - you are going to get bit, scratched, hissed at and attacked - because in their wounded state EVERYTHING is a possible threat. They are working from misunderstanding and that misunderstanding is informing their actions in a negative, out of sync with reality way.
Humans are like this too. We bleed on people who didn’t cut us because we feel vulnerable and thus start seeing attacks EVERYWHERE all the time.
When people repeatedly cause this kind of harm, when people repeatedly attack us, get triggered, act from wounding, project and behave in ways that make us mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually unsafe - we have to understand that no matter what their words are - they don’t ACTUALLY know better right now, and they aren’t ACTUALLY capable of change in the moment - no matter how much they may want to believe they are, and no matter how much WE may want to believe they are.
They are repeating their patterns because they haven’t learned a better way yet. They haven’t integrated their wound, and they haven’t yet done the requisite work to change their nervous system programs so that they can actually DO DIFFERENTLY.
They may understand on some level, they may have the ability to SAY they will do differently, they may even tell you HOW they are going to do differently - but until they are actually able to walk that out, we need to believe that their ACTIONS are showing us where they are and we must be strong enough not to rely upon listening to their WORDS.
People may intellectually know that what they are doing is harmful. They may say they’re sorry. They may show no remorse. Either way - they don’t actually KNOW better. Meaning in their state of trauma, no matter how much they see and understand the gravity of their error, until they understand that a) this is a wound in them that needs to be healed and b) this means going back and healing childhood traumas and rejiggering their entire survival strategy - they aren’t likely to be able to change their behavior. As much as they may want to, as much as it may seem that they are just CHOOSING to stay abusive - the reality is they are continuing to stay WOUNDED and are acting the best they know from that nervous system programmed place. The ‘them’ that is attacking you isn’t the same ‘them’ that can have a coherent conversation with you. It’s a nervous system response at this point. People aren’t choosing to do things when they REALLY KNOW on a BODY LEVEL there is a better way. So long as someone stays abusive, they don’t REALLY know better.
Believe them.
Are They ACTING On Their Desire To Change?
From here, first things first - we have to slow down and get really honest with ourselves about whether or not the harm being caused by someone is something we are actually able to tolerate, is actually something we can either set a strong boundary around so that we don’t get harmed, or is something we are able to recover from enough that when the harm happens we are able to communicate about it, we are able to repair, and we are able to legitimately be ok. Because again, everyone is going to make mistakes. Everyone is going to have their ‘toxic’ behavior that they repeat over and over again that we suffer because of. No one is a perfect 10/10 when it comes to being in total control over their behavior - and being in a relationship means we ARE going to get hurt from time to time.
So we have to discern for ourselves - is the community of the person or people I am interacting with outweighing the possible harm that happens every once in a while? Is there a healthy space to communicate and repair? Is there a level of the other parties being able to take accountability? Am I allowed to also be imperfect, to make mistakes, and then to be given a chance at redemption and space to grow? Is there openness when I cause harm or when they cause harm to HEAR this? To acknowledge? To validate? Is the harm small enough that I AM able to recover and be ok?
Or is there gas-lighting? Is there constant deflection? Are we constantly blamed for ‘causing’ them to harm us? Are there promises of changed behavior over and over again that are never met? Is the harm simply too much? Are we put in a position to forgive over and over, without any signs of changed behavior or even an attempt at changed behavior on behalf of the other person - meaning we can see that there is meaningful effort being put into the awareness of why the pattern of harm exists and effort being put in to mature and grow so that that pattern of harm can be changed or is there just ‘hope’ that things will shift one day on their own (hint, they likely won’t.)
One more thing I want to say here is this - if there is physical violence, if there is repeated mental and emotional abuse in the form of belittling, removing one's sense of power or agency, a repeated attempt to disempower, continual blaming of YOU for ‘causing’ someone to harm you (you made me, you provoked me, you deserved it), if there is a perpetual narrative that you aren’t strong enough/good enough to be on your own/to be without this other person, if there is a lack of acknowledgement of the harm being caused or if there is a perpetual cycle of abuse/apology/no change in behavior - these are all red flags I would say should be taken seriously. You should never feel like you deserve abuse, and you should never feel like being harmed is something you brought upon yourself. It’s never reasonable to be blamed for the harm of others. Also, if you are genuinely unsafe in some way, that does go beyond the scope of this article, but I will say please do get help. You deserve that help and you are worthy of that help. There is a difference between shitty behavior, painful patterns and people being HUMAN and outright ABUSE that should never be tolerated - and if you are in the ‘abuse’ category, a lot of the time the answer is to get out vs. trying to work on it - so please do keep that in mind.
We also do want to assess where we may be playing into a harmful or toxic dynamic. Because in reality, it is rare that it is entirely ONE person that is ‘the problem’ while the other is fully and completely in integrity and alignment with life.
We all have our blindspots and ‘toxic’ traits, and we have to be willing to be honest with ourselves about where we may be contributing to harm and a harmful dynamic - remembering this is the case when we are looking at our relationships that are adult to adult - this doesn’t count when we are looking at how we are treated when we are actual children in the dynamics of our caregivers or other authority figures. This doesn’t count when we are looking at how our caregivers may have harmed us as children - because we were children, no adults. The dynamic is totally different in this arrangement of child/adult and that needs to be understood.
We DO want to take responsibility for our part on toxic dynamics - including being able to say that sometimes things truly aren’t about us, and sometimes we are ‘attracted’ to certain unhealthy dynamics because we were trained in our childhoods/early adulthoods that this is what love is/this is all we deserve. If we find that we are repeatedly getting ourselves into situations where we aren’t treated with love and respect - we DO want to consider that we may be in a situation where our internal guidance is drawing us towards dynamics that mirror the ones we experienced growing up that were unhealthy, and we are going for those dynamics in our adulthood because they are familiar to us. Changing what we find ‘safe’ in our bodies due to what’s FAMILIAR is hard work - and it takes a lot of time, patience and self love - and sometimes the guidance of a therapist or some good books/resources. Being aware of our participation isn’t about ‘blaming’ ourselves, it’s about realizing that we are humans too, that we have blindspots too, that we may be contributing to the chaos in some way and that we may be attracted to certain unhealthy dynamics that this may be something we want to look at in ourselves.
Again, there’s no right or wrong answer here. There’s only what we can reasonably tolerate. We have to weigh the facts in each individual case - is this person a safe person OVERALL with just a few human foibles like everyone else that they are working on? Is this person genuinely putting in the effort to change even if that change is slow? Is this person truly seeing where they need to grow? Or are they putting the onus on you to either be ok with things or to change so that they can keep doing what they are doing? Are you able to recover well enough? Is the pain worth the benefits of the connection?
If the answer is yes to the above questions, then this means we are in a situation where it’s just about growing together. It’s about learning how to set some boundaries, learning to be with someone as they grow, learning to have forgiveness and how to repair when damage occurs. It’s about learning new ways of communicating, learning new ways of interacting and new ways of supporting ourselves and others so that patterns can be shifted over time.
If the answer is NO the the above questions, then the reality may be that this isn’t a healthy place for us to be right now, and boundaries really need to be drawn.
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Ok let’s take one more break here, and come back next week to wrap this whole thing up!
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