It’s not your fault, and you didn’t do anything ‘wrong.’
These are the words pretty much ALL of us need to hear, multiple times a day.
I really hope that if you follow my work, you're starting to really SEE that your pain isn’t your fault.
That the worlds pain isn’t your fault.
That your suffering is no a sign of your failing in any way, shape or form.
Rather, we are a humanity that is still VERY young in our understanding of self and reality.
Humanity Is Still Rather Primitive, All Things Considered:
We are a humanity that is still pretty much an animal for all intents and purposes that developed self awareness - and this added a WHOLE LOT of complication to our existence.
Rather than being like the plants or the animals who simply run purely on pain and pleasure - that ‘know’ the structure of reality in ways that we humans seem to have totally forgotten - we have the capacity to question. To willfully oppose our pleasure and deny our pain due to the STORIES we have created in our minds about what things can and do mean, about the outcomes we expect, about this or that leading to this or that.
We experienced an INTERNAL separation first and foremost.
Self from self.
Witness from experiencer.
True essence from social construct.
Rather than being like the plants and animals that operate as an eco-system we are AWARE of our individual nature and have gotten very confused as to how that individual nature still FITS into the concept of ONENESS that is the ULTIMATE reality on our planet. We also have that painful recognition as self separate from others - others who we depend upon for love, care and survival, and are then rejected or abandoned by them, triggering our nervous systems into deep stress at an early age - and this sticks with us.
We all have TRAUMA around how reality works.
Around how we work.
Around who and what we need to be in order to survive and thrive.
We have trauma around death and loss. Around suffering, being aware of it, and not knowing what to do about it. We have trauma around being abused and neglected when we were vulnerable children who NEEDED to be cared for and understood by the external world. We have wounds from this bumpy ride.
We Are Not Broken. We Are Responding To Trauma:
And we are REACTING to those traumas.
We are RESPONDING to the pain and pleasure of reality and how it conflicts with what we have been trained to believe.
We are expressing our lack of awareness and our desire to align with all of our struggling and striving.
We learned to turn our pain in on ourselves honestly - in childhood again the one thing we had control over was our own behavior - we couldn’t understand or meet our own needs. We had no autonomy. We learned in those delicate years that pain is remedied by an external force approving of us and then fixing it for us. We learned that being abandoned or rejected was death. We learned to go along and get along with things that hurt because that’s how we survived. If this required us to reject, deny, hate, get rid of or exaggerate our true nature, or t0 try to create parts of self that didn't exist - this HURT - but it was what we NEEDED to do to SURVIVE in those delicate formative years. This got wired into our systems as necessary for survival. We went into fight and flight every time we had to reject or deny a part of self, and the patterns we learned to get our needs met in the context of our upbringing got wired in as the 'solution' to the threat our bodies perceived. We only had control over ourselves. THAT'S where we learned to hate parts of self - any part that got us rejected or abandoned became a part of self we perceived as being 'bad' because it threatened our capacity to be LOVED and thus our capacity to be PROVIDED FOR. We didn't know how to meet our own needs outside of others. Them approving of us is how those needs got met. That is our fundamental trauma. And we are caught in it as adults - due to this cycle drawing us into states of fight or flight over and over again - our natural selves always wanting to surface and that triggering our trauma response - we never learned in our NERVOUS SYSTEMS that we can now identify and meet our own needs without external approval. Now we just project our childhoods onto our current reality and see 'them out there' as the source of everything, and feel we must fit in and be accepted so that THEY will meet our needs and keep us alive. We all have stories about how we will die if we are rejected that seem totally reasonable to us - when they are in fact for the most part, totally based in childhood logic and reasoning we don't recognize at all. It all seems totally legit to us.
It's true that we are adults NOW. That we have adult capacities NOW. That we have adult perspective and autonomy NOW. But that doesn’t mean our nervous systems and traumatized aspects are all caught up. This doesn’t mean we are actually CAPABLE of LIVING in that autonomy right now. Just because we know and understand in our heads doesn’t mean we know and understand in our BEINGS.
And it is only in feeling safe that we can grow and mature. It is only that we are stunted in our growth and maturation that we suffer.
You Didn't Create Your Own Trauma:
We did not traumatize ourselves. None of us - NONE - created the systems we have that don’t work. NONE of us created the world we live in. None of us created the web of conditioning and rules we had to follow to be approved of by our caregivers that contradict our natural way of being/reality itself - these ways of being that got us approved of in the short term but hurt because they oppose reality in the long term. We are all inheritors. Even those who willfully perpetuate the systems that we have didn’t create them. They are running a trauma based program just like everyone else.
Thus, ‘its’ not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong’ is the beginning of the medicine that will help you move forward.
It's the foundation for integration.
It’s the key safety mechanism that will shift your nervous system into rest and digest where you can actually integrate.
Learn. Expand. Figure out what reality is saying to you through your pain and pleasure. That is a long journey. And it starts with safety. And safety starts when we refuse to continue to abandon or shame ourselves in our pain.
Because again, to your nervous system love and acceptance = you're going to get your needs met. This takes you out of fight or flight and into rest and digest. ONLY in this state can you see and understand new things - and actually act on that new awareness. When you're in fight or flight it doesn't matter how much you 'know' - your body is going to drive you to do what you've always done because THAT is how it thinks you MUST BE to SURVIVE.
You are not to blame AND you have power. Both exist. The way to find your power is to first find your safety.
If you want to shift your experience of this life, start with this. Just this. Over and over. Let it melt the nervous system tension that’s running your life and blocking your sight. You didn’t create this, you inherited this. You can change it, but you must start with love and compassion.
It’s not your fault and you’re not doing anything wrong. You will change - but that’s not because you suck now. It’s because you will learn something you didn’t see before and will then have the capacity to live in alignment with it.
I’m sorry that the world has told you that your adaptations to your trauma are something that are ‘wrong’ with you.
I’m sorry that people have interpreted your RESPONSE to your PAIN as character flaws.
I’m sorry that the self help/spirituality worlds have profited off of your belief that you are lacking something, telling you that they can SELL it to you.
I’m sorry that you were never taught how to feel your feelings, how to let them move through you so that you can LEARN from them as to what reality is and isn’t. I’m sorry that you were trained that success and provision comes through competition/codependency vs. alignment with the structure of reality.
I’m sorry that you were shamed and blamed for who and what you naturally are, and for your learning process. That you now see these parts of yourself as BAD when they are really just stunted in their growth and traumatized.
I’m sorry that it’s been normalized to hate ourselves, fear ourselves, project, run from our inner demons and to call our traumas ‘normal’ or ‘flaws.’
I’m sorry that you were born into a system that traumatized everyone who came before you to some degree, that’s built upon misunderstanding and thus harmed you.
I’m sorry that your coping mechanisms, addictions, self sabotage, scapegoats and ways of distracting yourself are seen as weaknesses/flaws rather than the ways you are COPING with the pain you’ve been through that you don’t know how to process/that’s STILL occurring.
I’m sorry that your REACTION to pain is being apathologized rather than seen as the reaction it is, pointing us to figure out what’s HURTING YOU and how to fix that.
It’s not your fault. Figuring out what to do to help yourself isn’t easy and I’m sorry about that too.
The more you can make yourself safe in what you are RIGHT NOW the more you will see your traumas and be able to see real reality vs. your conditioning. The more you will be able to act in new ways and PROVE to your nervous system that you can get your needs met in better ways.
It's a process.
And it starts with the medicine of safety.
It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.