Hello Love!
In case you missed them, you can read
and
of this post above.
Today, I want to explore how we can move into a 'both and' mindset. Where we can look for how life is encouraging us to grow and where we can look to support ourselves in better habits WITHOUT shifting into 'all and nothing' thinking that places us in a state where we believe we have FULL control over our lives or where we believe that ALL things are happening for a 'good reason.'
Let's figure out how to deeply support ourselves in all life has to offer us, so that we can move forward in the best, most practical ways without falling into reality denial which can cause us more pain than good.
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Coming Out Of All Or Nothing Thinking:
As we grow out of the all or nothing thinking - the believe that ALL things are for us or that we have total control over our lives, we’re going to inevitably face some deep existential dread.
When we allow ourselves to realize that not everything is because of us, that not everything is a response to us and that we aren’t the arbiters of reality on all levels - we’re going to realize our vulnerability in this life.
This is part of why we develop these stories of ultimate control in the first place.
We want to protect ourselves from the reality that certain things ARE out of our control, and that in this we can’t always protect ourselves from pain. We can’t always get where we want to go. We can’t always achieve what we wish to achieve. We’re limited. We’re vulnerable. Others have a say over our lives. Circumstances occur that have nothing to do with us. Genetics, weather, socio-economic systems - so many things affect our experience that we have no say or sway over. This is reality.
We’re going to come to see that while we may really WANT to have total control, that while we may really want to believe that everything is at least in SOME part due to us - that this isn’t reality. Reality isn’t human centric and our life experiences aren’t ‘us’ centric.
Sometimes there’s no ‘reason’ for why we suffered through something other than we were in a situation we couldn’t control. Sometimes we’re going to have to accept that no matter what we did or do, we can’t make our circumstances different. That we didn’t know what we didn’t know when we got into certain situations. That others choices affect us in ways we can’t predict or control. That we were born into many systems that dictate our experience that we have no say over. There are so many things that can happen to us that have a massive impact on our experience that have little to nothing to do with anything we did or didn’t do.
This is scary, but it’s a part of adult reality we have to embrace if we don’t want to drive ourselves insane.
We don’t have total control and not everything is because of us.
This is both liberating and frightening, and I think it’s important that we learn how to hold both feelings.
When we ground into this, we can start to find where our TRUE power is. We can start to see that freedom doesn’t come from trying to micro-manage our every thought, word and action in the hopes that this will rescue us from all future pain. We can stop trying to figure out what ‘we did’ to ‘cause’ every little thing that occurs in our lives. We can take a step back and take the pressure off of ourselves. We can relax the anxiety that comes with feeling like we are the ultimate cause of all things - which if we’re really honest with ourselves DOES cause a lot of anxiety because it isn’t actually TRUE.
Then we can honestly assess what IS because of us and what isn’t. We can start to do the more nuanced work of learning the difference between that which we CAN control and that which we CAN’T.
We can start to find where our power lies in what we can and can’t control - and in that we can figure out how to best support ourselves - either in making changes OR in figuring out how to support ourselves better in what is right now.
Now, figuring out exactly what we can and can’t control is a process that goes beyond the scope of this series. Learning to discern where we have power to change the external vs. where we need to learn to work with what is so that we can best support ourselves isn’t a one and done process and it’s something that we have to explore on a case by case basis. This is part of why I think so many people want to believe we have ULTIMATE control - because that gives us a blueprint for how things ALWAYS are that we can apply to ALL situations, rather than having to figure each situation out on its own.
But in reality, there is no ‘always and never.’
We do have to engage with each situation as a unique experience - taking the understanding we have gained from our past experiences and applying it to the present one.
Finding Our Power In Action:
What I can say is that learning where we have the power to make better choices to change our circumstances and where we need to learn to support ourselves in what is that we can't necessarily change right now, starts with being really compassionate with ourselves. Whenever we go into excessive blaming or shaming of ourselves, whenever we feel guilt or like we’re spiraling into OVER thinking about what we did to ‘cause’ whatever is happening to us - this is when we want to take a step back.
When we’re TRULY finding our role in something, there will be a sense of relief and understanding why we did what we did and why it caused the outcome. There will be compassion in seeing that we were doing the best we could with what we knew at the time. There will be a PEACE in taking the small action steps we can take to make a change. It may be scary and uncomfortable, but it will also be clear and manageable. We will see that our new actions really DO make us feel better, and we will understand that it's repetition of a new habit over TIME that is going to have the greatest impact. *Sometimes* we are going to take a big leap but even in that, we're going to see that being able to maintain that big change means that we have a solid foundation of little habits to help us do so. We're going to see that it was a bunch of little steps taken BEFORE the big leap that allowed us to take the leap. We're going to see that slow, steady, self supporting changes where we make ROOM for 'backsliding' and processing why we've been doing what we've been doing up till now IS the key to long term change. If we DON’T feel like this - if we feel a sense of panic, a sense of dread, a sense of intense guilt or shame, or if we feel like there’s a big complex line of thoughts/words/actions that created our circumstances that would take an entire novel to explain to someone else - that’s when we know we’re off base.
We want to see that when we really have control, when we execute our steps they ACTUALLY address the issue. There shouldn't be a big round about 'if I do this and this and this exactly right I am going to get this magical outcome for reasons I can't actually explain.' It shouldn't be that if I behave perfectly the Universe is going to bless me with a perfect outcome. It will be us understanding systems and how reality works - and then allowing ourselves to hope for extra, unforeseen support along the way. We will be doing what we PRACTICALLY can, and learning to work with whatever comes of that.
We will be understanding that changing habits is a discipline, and we'll be on board for that work. We won't expect over night or magical results - but rather we'll be willing to test things out and see how they affect us over time. We will be scientists in our own experience, observing outcomes and seeing what we can discover about ourselves and reality as we attempt to make changes. We will never go on blind faith and assume something is 'it' before we try it and see that it's actually useful. We will try, see what happens, and if the protocol doesn't actually lead to the desired results, we will asses WHY and what we LEARNED, and use that information to help us in our next attempt at change.
Slow, steady, over time, supported and compassionate steps.
THAT'S actual taking responsibility.
Observing outcome and seeing how reality works more and more - while again also making room for blessings, help, support and unexpected ease along the way. Making room for both.
We will know that we’ve actually hit on where our power is when the steps we take WORK. When the steps we take actually create real change. If our seeming control comes in the form of having to wait extremely long periods of time before we see ‘results’, if they come in the form of needing others to do or be something very specific that we have no control over, if they come in the form of forcing ourselves to be hypervigilant about our thoughts/words/actions, if they come in the form of forcing ourselves to do something we know we can’t reasonably sustain and maintain - then we’re probably missing the mark.
Finding Power In What We Can't Change:
Then, when we’ve taken all the steps we can take, that’s when we sink into the second part of this work - which is learning to support ourselves in all those things we CAN’T control. Learning to be there for ourselves and love ourselves through any struggle or painful situation that is out of our control. Learning to process our emotions. Learning to validate ourselves. Learning to give ourselves what we CAN within what IS. Grieving. Making adjustments. Finding the joy in what is even when it’s not ideal.
Realizing that sometimes we really do just need to get through things. Realizing that sometimes we didn't cause the pain we're in and seeing where we can make adjustments to protect ourselves in the future and where we simply need to again, support ourselves in moving THROUGH what happened.
We're going to come to terms with the reality that there will always be things in our current environment that have nothing to do with us.
Systems.
Structures.
Other people.
Genetics.
Weather.
Society in general.
We're going to realize that while we don't have control over the WHAT sometimes, we can be better allies for ourselves in the HOW.
We can rest when we need rest. We can grieve where we need to grieve. We can process. We can triage to get through knowing we'll process later. We can be upset. We can resist and wish things were different.
This is all a part of the human experience - embracing what's out of our real of control and learning to support ourselves through the existential reality of that.
Understanding that life is often going to be about PROGRESS rather than overnight healings/success. Understanding that sometimes there’s nothing we can do about a situation in the moment, but that in the future we will have more freedom. Understanding that sometimes we need help and support. Sometimes we just need to FEEL our way through to the other side of something. Sometimes it’s about accepting a shitty thing and deciding what we’re going to do with it.
There’s no always and never here.
Learning to be in what we’re in, from a place of compassion for ourselves and curiosity around what we’re experiencing is the key.
Learning to never make anything our ‘fault’ is the first step.
Learning to embrace and make room for what we’re thinking and feeling is the second.
Learning to validate whatever we’re currently thinking and feeling and making it ok is the third.
Asking ourselves what we need to feel supported in this moment is the next step.
Then from THERE we can start to get curious about what power we may have to shift things and where we may need to allow ourselves to adjust to what is in the best way we CAN. Sometimes the only thing we have the power to shift is our attitude around what is. Sometimes the one thing we have power over is how we’re going to TREAT ourselves as we navigate what we’re going through. Sometimes we just have to be patient with the steps we have to take. Life is messy and we’re never fully a victim or fully a victor. We’re always somewhere in the middle.
Understanding that sometimes life is just shit and there’s nothing we can do to change that.
Taking Responsibility For What Isn't Ours Doesn't Give Us More Freedom:
When we over take responsibility, we don’t give ourselves freedom and autonomy.
When we're moving from a place of trying to control what we can’t control, when we’re trying to micro-manage ourselves in an attempt to create a desired outcome that simply isn’t possible in real reality, we aren’t giving ourselves power.
We’re actually TAKING the power we DO HAVE away from ourselves.
When we’re trying to fix a problem by changing something that isn’t the cause, we aren’t fixing the problem. When we’re blaming something for causing the problem when that thing did not cause the problem, we aren’t solving the problem. When we make ourselves the center of the universe we don’t magically become more powerful than we actually are. In reality, all trying to take total control over our lives ACTUALLY does is block where we need to learn to support ourselves in what we can’t change. It blocks our capacity to process the emotions we need to process around the painful things we’ve gone through and are going through. It puts us in a place where we’re gaslighting ourselves - blaming ourselves for circumstances that have nothing to do with us and therefore making any pain we’re going through WORSE.
We don’t do ourselves any favors by taking full responsibility for life.
We do ourselves a favor when we take responsibility for anything we ACTUALLY have power over.
We empower ourselves when we accept what we can’t change and then look for how we can SUPPORT ourselves within that.
We empower ourselves by taking small steps where they’re available, and then supporting ourselves in whatever is left that we can’t change.
We empower ourselves by realizing that we live in systems that are sometimes out of our control.
We empower ourselves by understanding that life is complex and that there isn’t a simple cause and effect answer to all of life's questions.
Self blame and micromanaging is never empowerment.
When we have power to change we can be kind to ourselves as we make those changes. In everything else, it’s our job to support ourselves through the life we’re given.
I hope this series has taken a bit of the load off of you. I hope that it’s brought some clarity to the complexity of life, and why an ‘always and never’ mindset is going to create more issues than it solves. I hope it clarifies where the spirituality world is telling you that you have power over things that you don’t, and that it helps you navigate the waters of what is actually because of you and what’s a result of your environment.
Keep being compassionate with yourself. First and foremost. Keep being open and curious about what you CAN do and what’s out of your control. Then be curious about what’s most supportive for you within the reality that you’re actually in.
Relax the all or nothing and allow yourself to exist in the grey. In the fact that life is constantly shifting and that our power is too.
It’s not all because of you and it’s not all part of some grand plan.
The biggest thing you have is to decide what you’re going to DO with what happens to and for you. You get to decide how you’re going to process and respond. You get to decide how much you’re going to support yourself.
Do it for yourself. Compassion and curiosity in every moment.
Let life be messy and complex.
You have way more power in that.
<3
Remember, you don't have to do this work alone!
This self love work can be really challenging.
It fly's in the face of everything culture teaches us.
Meaning, it can be really hard to remember to show up for ourselves, to learn how to validate our emotions, to stay in a state of self compassion and curiosity.
This is why I created the school - because when we do this TOGETHER, we usually find that we go a lot farther.
You don't have to do this alone, I and the other students are here to be supports for you along your path.
We're not here to be totally independent, and this path is about community just as much as it is about self empowerment.
So if you're feeling alone, remember there are people out there like you, who are doing this work too.
Come Join The Community Here!
