
Hello and welcome to the blog!
In case you haven’t yet, please do go read:
Today, we’re diving into exactly how we can start to PRACTICE emotional mastery on a PRACTICAL level.
Hopefully there’s a level of understanding this path that’s come from our exploration so far.
Today we are going to be taking that understanding deeper, by looking at what it means to actually walk this out in real reality.
Remember, emotional mastery isn’t something we ‘figure out’ and then ‘do perfectly’. It’s something we will PRACTICE for the rest of our lives, getting better and better at it as we become more and more familiar with it.
So let’s see what it looks like to start this path, and what it looks like to simply support ourselves the best we can as we walk it step by step.
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The Complexity Of Emotional Reactions And How To Navigate Them:
The first step in living out emotional mastery, is to recognize that what we *think* our emotions/feelings mean and what they are *actually* telling us may be two different things.
Understanding that how we are currently interpreting our emotions may not be totally accurate to what our emotions are actually saying because we are working with a mind/body that has been trained to believe that connection, validation from others and alignment with our conditioning is the SAFEST thing - thus anything that takes us AWAY from that conditioning, at first, is going to ‘feel’ bad - leading us to believe that our emotions are guiding us towards our conditioning vs. being able to see our TRUE pain and pleasure and what we ACTUALLY want and need in real reality.
This can be complex to understand and work through.
It’s possible to be experiencing something that is actually totally fine in real reality, but that elicits a painful emotional reaction due to our conditioning and due to our perception.
It’s possible to be experiencing something that is actually degrading and against real reality, but that elicits positive emotional feelings because it makes us feel that we are going to be loved and therefore going to be safe because it aligns with our conditioning.
It’s possible to be doing something that is PARTIALLY meeting a need and thus feels good in some ways, but that is also causing destruction on another level and thus doesn’t feel good.
It’s possible to have such strong stories about something that we can convince ourselves that what we are feeling is either positive or negative - when the reality of the feeling itself is actually the opposite of how we are interpreting it right now. It’s possible to be feeling a NEGATIVE feeling and to think this is a ‘good thing’ and to be feeling a POSITIVE feeling and to think that this is actually a ‘bad’ feeling.
It’s confusing because we’ve been conditioned to see things in certain ways that are so outside of the truth that finding our way back to the truth is a challenge.
It’s confusing because we have been programmed that fitting in is the safest thing to do.
It’s confusing because our minds have been so trained to reject, deny, hide and diminish parts of ourselves while overemphasizing other parts.
It’s confusing because many of us don’t have a true connection to our bodies - and we haven’t learned to ACTUALLY feel what we are feeling and how to tell the difference between a feeling that’s truly guiding us towards or away from something - rather we know our INSTINCTS to follow what feels FAMILIAR and at the same time, many of us are so disconnected from our bodies that we don’t really FEEL much at all.
This is why the very first step in this emotional mastery process is - you guessed it - compassion for ourselves.
Finding Compassion First
The reality is, so long as we are living in a state of self judgment, so long as we’re trying to fix, change, alter or otherwise ‘make ourselves better’ in some way - we are going to be blocking our capacity to tune into ourselves, to tune into our wisdom, to understand what we are feeling and to use our emotions as true guides.
When we’re working from a place of self criticism, blame, shame, or any level of believing that who and what we are fundamentally isn’t good enough, when we are starting from looking at our behavior, our thoughts, our feelings or anything that is TRUE to us in this moment as being WRONG and when we are telling ourselves that if we don’t change we can’t ever be happy/free/successful/loved/good enough - we are going to automatically be generating a whole bunch of negative feelings that will then cause us to want to dive DEEPER into our conditioning, our current patterns and how we have always done things.
This is because this internal judgment, this rejection we’re experiencing from the inside automatically triggers us into a state of feeling unsafe.
Because remember, we have all been programmed that love, acceptance and approval = we are going to be understood and then we’re going to be provided for and kept safe and that judgment, rejection and antagonism = we aren’t going to be seen and understood and therefore we aren’t going to get our needs met.
When we are judging ourselves for how we are currently behaving, for what we are currently feeling, for what we are currently doing, for how we are in this moment, we are continuing to validate the story that what we have been programmed and conditioned to do and be is ‘right’ and that how we are is ‘wrong’ - which again means that we are now closed to any possibility of exploring what may ACTUALLY be true in REAL reality - we are siding with our conditioning and there’s usually little wiggle room to figure out what true reality is from that place.
When we aren’t able to create safety with ourselves, we aren’t going to be able to really understand what the body is saying to us through our feelings. We aren’t going to be able to sink deep enough into our feelings to get any messages from them. We are going to continue to be locked in ‘this feels FAMILIAR and thus is must be TRUE and this feels UNFAMILIAR and thus is must be FALSE’ which means again, we are just going to be stuck repeating our same patterns and thinking we are doing something different/following our feelings.
This first step is often the hardest, and one that most people have to spend the most amount of time working on - and for good reason.
Finding Truth In Our Feelings/Emotions Beyond Cultural Dictates
Our culture has trained us to completely disregard what we feel in exchange for going along with consensus.
Our culture has trained us to believe that if something we are doing that aligns with our conditioning feels terrible, that that terrible feelings mean we’re doing the right thing. That if something we are doing that is outside of our conditioning feels good that that good feeling is something we should be deeply ashamed of. Our culture has convinced us to reject, deny and bury our feelings to the point where many of us are good at thinking about our feelings but not very good at ACTUALLY feeling them.
Our survival instincts have taught us to favor what feels FAMILIAR over what may be true in real reality, because to it, that which we have always done is the SAFEST thing to do. This is an old evolutionary pattern that was REALLY helpful for our ancestors who lived in a complex natural world with little to no true understanding of how things worked. The ancestors we have who were able to develop AUTOMATIC responses to the signs of threat in their environment - those who were able to hear a rustle in the bush and be half-way up a tree before their minds even had time to catch up to what they were hearing and what they were making it mean - likely survived longer than those who had to hear the rustle in the bush, turn around, think about what that rustle might be, perceive the presence of a lion, figure out what they were going to do in response and so on. Even though the rustle in the bush was likely NOT a tiger *most* of the time, on the times when it WAS - the people who heard it and automatically responded by climbing up a tree were the ones that survived.
We learned to ‘program in’ automatic responses to stimuli just like this - any time we feel rejected, any time we feel a part of ourselves that was antagonized or that we were told was wrong and bad starts to surface, any time we experience a familiar situation where in the past we have been hurt or harmed - we are going to have automatic responses of self preservation that include self suppression, self hate, rejection of who and what we are and so on that feel RIGHT and NATURAL to us because they are what we have ALWAYS done and they are what our BODIES think saved us from the THREAT of being rejected. Our bodies still believe that being rejected, doing what we have been conditioned not to do, being how we are that was antagonized is a THREAT to our SURVIVAL, and it believes the ways we have coped, numbed, stimulated, suppressed, self sabotaged and pretend are the things that have SAVED OUR LIVES.
It feels good on a level to repeat our patterns, to do what we’ve always done, to be in our loops of self rejection, pretending, fixing, trying to become what we have been conditioned we must be in order to be good enough, acceptable and valid - because to US doing these things is LIFE SAVING.
To us, fitting in IS how we survive, and what we have been doing to this point has been our constant attempt to fit in - so to do anything different, changing what we have done to this point, branching out and questioning whether or not what we are currently doing is ACTUALLY the best thing in REAL reality or if it’s just the best thing in terms of our conditioning, is NOT easy.
This is why compassion is the first step.
Compassion Helps Us Feel Safe, So We Can Start to Feel Our TRUE Emotions/Feelings
The reality is, the more we feel loved, the more we feel like we’re being accepted and approved of, the more we feel like who and what we are is good enough in this moment - the more we’re going to come OUT of ‘survival’ mode, the more we’re going to be able to actually see and understand our patterns, the more we’re actually going to be able to figure out what we want and need in real reality, and the more we’re going to be able to start to understand our emotions and feelings on a practical, true and genuine level.
The safer we feel with ourselves, the more we’re going to perceive that we are going to be loved and therefore safe, and this is how we open our perception to something new.
When we are in a state of fear, our brains and bodies are going to cling to our patterns - because again our brains and bodies believe that our current patterns are the patterns that have SAVED OUR LIVES from threat. Our brains and bodies are doing what we’ve always done because they believe that what we have always done is the BEST way to survive.
When we are in a state of safety, this is when we can start to employ curiosity. This is when we can start to actually investigate into what we are truly feeling, when we can question our conditioning, when we can even start to SEE that we have conditioning, where it is, what it is and how it may not be true.
When we are in a state of self judgment and thus a state of feeling unsafe, it’s going to be very difficult to even SEE that we have conditioning that may not be in alignment with real reality - because it’s so much just the water we’re swimming in that we won’t even recognize it as something that COULD be questioned. To us it will just be REALITY.
This is part of what makes this entire process so difficult - we often don’t have an awareness of what is and isn’t conditioning because again, our conditioning is just our NORMAL. What IS. What has always been and what must always be. To start to see it, and to start to question it or challenge it is REALLY difficult.
That’s why we need access to our TRUE emotions and feelings
The MIND can be convinced of anything - but the BODY cannot. The FEELINGS will always respond to stimuli in a TRUE way - meaning even if we are TOTALLY mentally convinced that something is THE WAY - if it’s causing degradation we are GOING to FEEL it on some level - and that FEELING is going to be the thing that guides us to QUESTIONING.
We don’t THINK our way into emotional mastery, we FEEL our way there.
And being able to FEEL correctly starts with self compassion.
Giving Yourself The Benefit Of The Doubt
This means, the more you can make yourself feel safe, the more you’re going to start to have access to your true feelings, the more you’re going to have access to the information you need to start to navigate what’s true and what’s false, and the more you’re going to open to the curiosity required to be able to sort through what’s true reality and what’s conditioning.
Slowly.
Over time.
Not all at once and not in one fell swoop - but through a process that will be deepened and expanded upon as you practice.
The very first step on the emotional mastery path, is to start to assume that you have a good reason to be feeling everything that you’re feeling.
That you have a good reason for doing everything that you’re doing.
To start assuming that all of your patterns, habits, scapegoats, ways that you numb, simulate and check out of reality, ways that you cope, ways that you self sabotage, ways that you fight, fawn, freeze or flee, ways that you act, desires you have and thoughts you think are ALL there for a GOOD REASON.
You didn’t arrive in adulthood with all of your faculties working perfectly, with a pure view of reality, with whole knowledge of exactly how to live the BEST life possible - and then just DECIDE to fuck up your life.
You didn’t decide to do self destructive things because you are simply messed up, broken, shameful or otherwise unintelligent.
You didn’t CHOOSE our conditioning, and you didn’t choose the circumstances of your childhood where you learned to disconnect from your true self and true reality in favor of what you were taught was right, good, normal and expected.
You didn’t choose your body, your family, the circumstances of your upbringing.
You didn’t choose the society and the world you were born into and all the ways in which it guides us away from reality towards what’s best for those in power and away from what’s best for actual people.
You aren’t the reason you don’t know what your true needs are, that you have been conditioned to believe that what you actually want and need is wrong, that you don’t know how to validate yourself, that you haven’t been validated, that you believe the right way to be is what it is.
YOU are not the CAUSE of any of this.
You are now an adult who can start to learn about what is, who can start to understand your conditioning, who can start to understand society at a greater level and who can NOW start to make changes that will guide you towards a new kind of life - yes, you have power now that you didn’t have as a child and you have capacity now that you didn’t have - which means you ARE capable of changing things NOW - but this doesn’t mean that you CAUSED anything to be what it currently is.
Learning to see the fact that we are not the CAUSE of our pain, that we didn’t CREATE the messes we are in, that WE didn’t separate ourselves from reality and create all of our ‘bad habits’ for no reason while also understanding that we now have the ability to change these things through understanding them, understanding ourselves and learning to meet our needs in new ways is a COMPLEX understanding.
It’s not your fault, and you have power - it’s a big thing to wrap our minds around.
But it’s also the BASIS of this work.
You are not the CAUSE of your pain, you didn’t CHOOSE your patterns, you didn’t CREATE the messes you are in.
AND.
You can now learn to be nice to yourself enough to be able to start to CHANGE and ALTER these things so that you can have a better, more aligned life.
THIS is the first step of COMPASSION.
It’s not my fault, and I have power.
Next, understanding that again, there is NOTHING WRONG with you.
You aren’t doing anything you are to try to hurt, harm or degrade yourself or anyone else.
No matter how harmful, destructive, chaotic or otherwise ‘bad’ any of your current ways of being may seem on the surface - they are ALL ways that you are currently attempting to get your needs met, currently attempting to keep yourself safe and currently doing your best to protect yourself and to keep yourself in alignment with the reality you were taught.
You’re not broken.
You’re not shameful.
You’re not bad.
You’re doing your best to keep yourself safe.
Every habit you have, even the ones that seem the MOST counter to what is good for you or that you ‘should’ be doing - is your way of trying to navigate the complexity of the reality you’re in.
You may have ways that you check out, numb and cope that you look at and think ‘this is only destructive. It doesn’t get me love and approval and it doesn’t help me in any way.’ When in reality, the way you check out, cope and numb is how you DISENGAGE from the patterns you are currently playing out in other areas of your life that ‘feel right’ in terms of your conditioning, but are actually WRONG for you in REAL reality. The ways you check out, cope and numb are how you eject yourself from what you feel like you ‘have to’ or ‘should be’ doing to ‘be on track’ - which when those paths of ‘right’ are outside of what’s actually TRUE for you, are ALWAYS going to bring deeply negative feelings that eventually lead to overwhelm and pain that we NEED to check out of. We may not even be AWARE of the pain, all we know is that we constantly end up in a situation of losing ourselves to hours of Netflix and eating and have no idea what ‘took over us.’ The checking out is meeting your needs of giving you a BREAK from the constant pursuit of a life that doesn’t feel good for you.
You may have needs you don’t even know you have right now - needs for self expression, creativity, sexual expression, intellectual stimulation and so on that were never explored or that were crushed in your childhood that you are now trying to get met via ‘backdoor’ methods or that simply aren’t being met at ALL - leading to big negative emotions and little understanding as to WHY you feel how you feel or why you DO what you do.
The only way we are going to sort out what’s TRUE in reality, is to START with assuming that ALL things we are, ALL things we are doing and ALL things we thinking and feeling have some level of VALIDITY and a PURPOSE.
Every part of you is doing its best to keep you safe - and you have a conditioned parts that believe that certain things are the keys to keeping you safe that contradict what the true parts of you know are going to keep you safe and well.
There is going to be a hodge-podge of ways that you’re living, thinking and perceiving that all have SOME elements of truth and SOME elements of conditioning.
But the ONLY way to sort all of this out, is to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt FIRST.
Before we understand anything.
Before we understand why we’re doing what we are.
Before we understand why we’re thinking what we think.
Before we get to any place of clarity - we have to START with compassion.
“I am feeling how I feel for a good reason.”
“I am doing what I am for a good reason.”
“This is how I learned to survive and this is me doing my best to keep myself safe right now.”
“How is this behavior/way of thinking/way of living/emotion/feeling/mental pattern trying to HELP me?’
“What if I’m not broken, but am doing everything that I’m doing because I LEARNED somewhere it’s the BEST thing to do to be SAFE and to SURVIVE?”
“How has this way of being EVOLVED with me over time? If it seems nonsensical now, where did it COME FROM?”
THIS is the FOUNDATION of emotional mastery.
Thus, the first action step I want to offer you is this:
What if for the next week, instead of shaming, blaming, berating, judging or trying to fix yourself - you practice showing up for ALL of your thoughts, behaviors, ways of being, feelings, emotions, perceptions and patterns with COMPASSION.
“I am feeling what I’m feeling, doing what I’m doing and thinking what I’m thinking for a GOOD REASON. I am not broken, bad, wrong or shameful, I am doing my best to keep myself safe and alive.”
What if you started with JUST that.
How SAFE can you make yourself with you?
How SAFE can you make yourself inside yourself?
Remembering, this isn’t an END point - this doesn't’ mean you’re going to ‘let yourself off the hook and let yourself be how you are now forever’ - which is everyone’s worst fear.
It just means you’re opening the door to ACTUALLY understanding WHY you are how you are right now.
Through COMPASSION.
“It’s ok that I am the way I am, I have a good reason for all of it. The safer I make myself, the more I’m going to understand and the more I’m going to be able to change to align with real reality.”
That’s it.
Is that something you’re willing to explore?
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Give yourself a chance to practice this, just for a week.
Next week we will explore curiosity, the next step on this path.
<3
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