Welcome Back Light Beam!
In the Last Two Blogs, we talked about WHY being a light worker means you are going to make people uncomfortable, and the true reason why blaming yourself for causing others pain makes so sense in true reality.
Today, I want to look at one last piece of this puzzle - the idea that sometimes being a light-worker means feeling TOTALLY crazy, why this happens and how you can start to recognize this in your life so that you can avoid that nutzo feeling as you move forward.
Next week we will tie this all up with my call to you for what to do next.
Remember, it is not wrong how you are - it is not wrong that you bring light - however there may be an element of this light baring that needs some integration before it can be a totally comfortable experience for you.
You as an energetically sensitive being who is working to shine the light on your own wounds, you who feels love and compassion for those around you, you who seems to have no capacity to pretend that things are fine when they aren’t - just by the nature of your very being bring light to where the light is being blocked and ignored. That is your work. That is who and what you are.
Even when you are not consciously doing anything, just by being who you are, you contradict the culture that is running from shedding light on wounded aspects of self. Just by being in your own world, living how you live, carrying the light the way you do, you bring light to aspects where others are hiding. We must remember that ultimately we are all connected - and this can be a difficult thing to wrap our minds around when it comes to light work.
You see, even if you tried with all of your might NEVER to project your light onto others, even if you made it your mandate never to preach, never to teach, never to share, never to project your ways of thinking or being onto others - unless you are fully willing to 100% participate in the rejection of light the way those around you are, you are going to bring light. You would have to fully shut yourself down, fully behave in accordance with the rest of the world, fully live as the rest of the world does, fully think as the rest of the world does in order to stop yourself bringing light wherever you go.
Because again, just by you living as an example of another way, you shine a light on the idea that the way everyone else is living is not the only way! We have to remember that this culture that so heavily rejects ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ experiences, that creates those rejected and wounded aspects of self, that lives for the denial of the pain - only ‘works’ so long as we all participate and tell ourselves that there is no other way to live. If we were to consider that there may be a way of living where we DON’T have to ignore our pain, and can actually heal and feel better without distraction/drama/substance - it would derail all the excuses we have for continuing to depend upon these things. We must believe that there is no other way in order to keep doing what we are doing.
Clearly, you are not doing this nor are you going to. There is a good chance that even if you TRIED to fully shut yourself off, you still couldn’t do it.
It is this very idea - that you are living in a way that is different from the culture that leads to the predicament of being in certain situations with certain people that lead you to feeling like you are or have totally lost touch with reality.
Feeling Like You Are Crazy: When Your Compassion And Love Is Taken As Attack And Judgement
As mentioned above, in order to fully never disturb anyones false reality - which IS the current popular reality - you would have to be living in it with them. In order to FULLY see the world as those around you do, you would have to be shutting off all of what YOU see. To be fully aware of how much reality is being blocked out by the average person, to truly see and understand what others are perceiving, you would have to be living it with them. You would have to be in the fish bowl.
What this means is, when you are shining light, you are coming from YOUR vantage point. Your more awake and more aware vantage point. You are seeing where people are at, how their circumstances tie together, you are seeing patterns that exist and can draw conclusions based on those observed patterns. Those around you who are not as aware as you, are truly missing large pieces of information that to you, are blatant and obvious.
This means that when you put your finger on something, when you speak with someone about what is going on with them, it is very easy for you to speak to them from YOUR current viewpoint, and to have them not understand you at all, because they are really really not seeing what you are seeing. And you are not seeing what they are seeing.
You see, it is WAY too hard to be awake and see what you see, and at the same time see things the way everyone else is seeing them. It is not possible to fully predict how others are going to react and respond when you shine light - because in order for you to fully understand how THEY are perceiving reality (which when in denial is going to be VASTLY different from how YOU are perceiving reality) you would have to be down in the dark of denial with them. Even when you do your very best to level with where this other person is, and to deliver your message of hope or light to them in a gentle way - there is a good chance you are over-shooting your understanding of what they are seeing as the truth.
You may have every intention of wanting to make something easier or less chaotic for someone by offering some advice or context - and just in doing that you create a situation where this other person would have to admit something about their situation they do not want to admit/are actively working not to see right now. You get your head bitten off for offering your sincere care and concern, because it is perceived as an attack on the other persons end due to it containing elements of their situation they are not ready/willing to look at - and you end up feel crazy.
You become SO CONFUSED about how this person could have possibly taken what you said as an insult. You think that perhaps you are too pushy, too mean, too aggressive - but know in your heart all you were trying to do was help. What’s up with that?
The Light Vs. Their View
That is you running into the problem of delusion.
Being awake means that you will see things in a way that may at times make it difficult to fully conceptualize how much the people around you are denying.
You may be looking at someones victim mentality, and trying to offer a genuine way of working within that victim mentality to make a situation less stressful for this person. Meaning you are not even suggesting anything to do with getting OUT of that victim mentality, you are not pushing anything on them in the way of changing who or what they are, just offering some guidance as to how to work within a situation WITH their victim mentality that may make it easier - not realizing that the person you are talking to does not want to admit that they are in a victim role and thus feel totally insulted by you suggesting what you suggest. You see how this works? It is clear to YOU how they are behaving, and you are just trying to make the situation easier, but in offering advice from YOUR vantage point, you accidentally shine a light on something that this other person does not want to see.
The people around you are not seeing their patterns the way you are.
They are not clear on what is going on.
It is not that everyone around you KNOWS they are in a victim state, knows they are in a cycle of choosing bad relationships over and over, knows they are in a cycle of dieting then falling off then dieting and falling off - the way you know they are. They still see what they are going through as isolated events that have nothing to do with each other. They still ignore and deny their patterns because to acknowledge them would already be a step in the direction of taking responsibility and acknowledging a larger pattern which is more difficult to deal with than isolated incidents - which is often something they most don’t want to do. So it is not that they see what you see and are not acting accordingly - they literally have NO IDEA about what you are seeing. Therefore any advice you give within the context of their situation, no matter how well meaning it is, is still going to be revealing something they are not aware of and don’t want to be aware of and thus will make them angry with you most likely.
Think Of It Like A Hole In A Canoe:
To illustrate this point, I have come up with this metaphor. Just go with me on it...
Imagine you are in a canoe with someone. You are paddling down the river, having a nice time, when suddenly you notice that the canoe is starting to fill up with water. Your feet get soaked, the water slowly rises to reach your ankles.
Your paddling partner instinctually reaches for a bucket and starts scooping the water from the floor of the canoe and dumping it overboard. They do this a couple of times and make some head way - they are able to get water out faster than it is trickling in. So eventually they get to a place where the canoe no longer has any water in it. Your sailing mate says to you “Good, I solved it. Let’s keep sailing!” They pick up their ore and start paddling.
A few moments later you both notice that your feet are wet again. The water is rising inside the canoe once more. So what does your sailing mate do? Gets the bucket of course! This time it takes them a little longer to get all the water out - seems like the boat is filling at a slightly faster rate now, but still after pushing through for a while they manage to get the water out again.
“Fewf!” Says your sailing mate. “Got that sorted, let’s keep sailing!”
At this point, you may be starting to wonder where the water is coming from. You have picked up on the pattern - the water is flowing in, you scoop it out, but it fills up again. Meaning there must be a SOURCE of that water - it’s gotta be coming from somewhere.
Just as you are thinking this, you notice that your sailing mate is starting to use the bucket to scoop the water out again. Only this time they are not able to keep up with the flow. For every bucket full of water they are able to remove, an equal amount of water flows into the canoe to replace it.
You now, having seen this happen three times, are pretty clear on what is going on here. There is a hole in the canoe somewhere! All you have to do is plug it, and this water thing will stop happening, and you can continue enjoying your canoe trip.
“Hey,” you say to your sailing mate “Why don’t you stop with the bucket thing and help me look for the hole, if we plug the hole the water will stop flowing in, and you won’t have to use your bucket to get the water out anymore!”
Great idea you think! You get up and start looking for the hole.
You turn to your sailing mate and realize they are not only not looking for the hole with you, but is sitting there with their bucket, now very angrily scooping the water out.
You go to them, gently and ask “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to look for the hole with me?”
They reply “I really don’t understand why you have to minimize what I am doing here. If I stop using my bucket to get the water out, we will die. Why you would suggest I stop is beyond me. Also I haven’t seen you pick up a bucket and help me get this water out. I bet we could get this water out much faster if you helped me. You are making this so much worse, and you are blaming ME for not scooping it out fast enough?! How dare you!”
You look at them, totally confused.
“But don’t you agree that if we just plug the hole that will solve this whole thing and then neither of us will have to use the bucket to get the water out, and we can then go sailing, like we both want to? I appreciate what you are doing with the bucket, but this canoe keeps filling with water, and that is interrupting the whole plan we both had to see the lake in the canoe. If we plug the whole, we can go back to the plan we both had and have a much better time.”
“What are you talking about?!” Says your sailing mate, really mad this time. “The canoe has never filled up with water before? This is the first time this has happened. And I have NO IDEA why you keep droning on and on about this hole. I don’t see a hole? Where is this magical hole you keep talking about? You’re nuts. I don’t want to die out here. That is what I care about. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to get all wet. I don’t want to have to swim back to shore. All of that would suck. So would you PLEASE shut up and just help me scoop the water out of this gosh darn BOAT?!”
You stand there, totally perplexed. Are you crazy?
What do they mean this has not happened before? The idea of the hole seemed so logical to you. Of course you don’t want to die either - but that doesn’t really seem like a real threat at this point - you know if you just plug the hole not only can you avoid all the fear your boat mate has - the drowning, getting wet, having to swim back to shore - you can also have a GOOD time. You can get back to paddling around and exploring the lake. You know that in the moments you are looking for the hole, it may look like the problem of the canoe filling up is going to get worse - but as soon as you find the hole you can plug it and the whole thing will be over. Then you can just scoop out any remaining water and be on your way. It is not that what your sailing mate is doing is WRONG - it is just not effective in this moment, for the ultimate goal of having a good sailing trip.
“What about if we both scoop the water out AFTER we find and plug the hole? Would that be OK?”
“You say ONE MORE THING to me about that HOLE and I am dumping you overboard! Help me get this water OUT or I am never talking to you again!! You think you are soooo smart, so wise, offering your ridiculous advice to me. I know what I’m doing, I don't need your help or your hoity toity wisdom. Stop talking down to me, help me scoop the water or get out”
Now you feel totally lost. What the HECK is going on here?
You stand there. Paralyzed. You are so sorry that you have hurt your friend, but you feel like you have no idea why they are so mad at you. Trying to understand what they see is hard - how can they not remember the other times the boat filled up? How could they not also assume there is a hole? Why are they mad at you for not using the bucket? Why would they not want a solution so you can carry on having a good time, rather than just to avoid the things they are afraid of?
You start to doubt yourself. Maybe they are right? Maybe there is no hole? Maybe you imagined the other times the boat filled up? Who has the right version of reality here?
All you wanted to do was help the both of you get back to having an awesome time sailing, and your friend is all of a sudden feeling like you were attacking them and making them wrong, as well as NOT helping them at all.
You feel totally confused as to how they could even find insult in your comments, and they are fully convinced that it is your goal to make them feel dumb/wrong/stupid/not good enough.
You wanted to help, they perceived an attack. Both of you walk away feeling terrible. You see what you are seeing, you DON’T see what they are seeing. You speak from your vantage point, your vantage point scares them, and they fight you or flee from you. The light triggers fear, and they lash out at you.
This is not a fun experience, but is one I am pretty sure every light worker has had at least once or twice.
You Will Not Avoid Making Others Uncomfortable:
Now you see that to truly avoid ever making anyone uncomfortable, you MUST be in the same level of denial as them. Which you are never going to be. And thus - this will be a part of your path.
You, living another way, already flicks a card out from the delicate house of cards of the false reality. You seeing what you see is already a head and shoulders above what those around you see. And you are going to spend the rest of your life seeing things that others are not seeing, and moving from YOUR place of understanding that will then bump up against THEIR place of understanding.
This is why we must stop fighting with the idea that we are going to make people uncomfortable, and stop beating ourselves up for this as though it is a bad thing. As though it is lacking in compassion or that it makes you 'unspiritual' somehow.
It’s ok that this happens. It really and truly is.
Next week we will wrap this all up with a few things you can do for YOURSELF that will make this whole process easier for you, as well as helping you to move in your light in a way that may end up being gentler for others. There is one last element of this to explore.
For now, see if you can relax a little into the idea that you are doing nothing wrong. You are not causing pain, and there is a difference between your perception of reality and the perception most others are living with. It is just different, and this difference will create friction. Friction that can lead to integration.
See you next week!