My Personal Definition Of ‘Spirituality’ (Currently)

“I create my own reality.”

“I'm a conscious co-creator with the Universe.”

“My world is a result of what I think about/believe.”

“I'm living in my own individual parallel universe to all other living beings.”

“What I think about I become.”

“I chose this incarnation the exact way I did in order to facilitate my souls growth.”

“I can read my life in my astrology chart, thus it is all part of the grand plan.”

“God created me just as I am for this or that purpose.”

“There is a plan for my life, a specific purpose I am ‘here’ to fulfill.”

Is Our Spirituality Based In Fantasy?

I understand the desire to believe in the above statements.

I fully understand that in the face of the chaos on this planet, our own suffering, the horrendous things we see humans doing to one another, the weather/natural disasters and all this that we have absolutely no control over - believing there is a creator, a plan, a purpose and a reason for all of it lends great comfort to us when we are alone in our beds at night.

But ultimately?

We don’t KNOW if ANY of the above statements are true.

If we take an objective look at the reality we can prove - I didn't choose my parents, where I was born, the time I was born, the education system I was born into, the culture I was born into, the religion - all of the things that deeply impacted my perception of myself and reality from the time I was born till the time I started to have self awareness and the capacity to choose and see for myself.

On top of that, to believe that I've been ‘making choices’ for most of my life is also not something I can prove.

My conditioning, my traumas, my biology, my faulty ways of processing myself and reality have all been steering the ship.

There have been SO MANY things in my life that I did to myself and to others that I would never CONSCIOUSLY choose to do - yet I did them. Why? Demon? Possession? Something evil inside of me? No. Conditioning, programming, biology and happenstance.

Considering the things I GENUINELY can PROVE I have actual control over are so deeply scant and shaky, of COURSE I want to believe in all of the above statements.

I'm Not Claiming To KNOW:

I'm not here to say that none of the above is true. Perhaps some of the statements are. Maybe all of them. Maybe none - the point is I can’t know for sure.

Any spiritual teacher/teaching who claims to be able to prove or speaks with any kind of perfected authority on the above statements is walking in their own kind of reality denial delusion. A story they so deeply believe that it has become reality to them.

But again. I didn’t chose my skin color. I didn’t choose to be born into a system that benefits me at the cost of others. I didn’t choose to have access to excess when others have access to none. I didn’t choose to be sensitive and have to deal with everything that’s come with that. I didn’t choose this body. And again - for my souls growth or not, many, many of the things I was born into I wouldn’t choose. Because I know that there are ways of learning things through grace, through alignment with natural law, through honor and respect that are actually MORE effective for the human soul thriving and growing that challenge and antagonism will ever be. That so much of my trauma was based on human misunderstanding - not any kind of natural law or the way things 'had to be.' I know I learned a lot about life and grew in ways in SPITE of the traumas and conditions of my life - not because of them. And most people DON'T grow from adversity - rather the adversity is the thing that traps them in suffering for their entire lives.

We all want to give meaning to the suffering - and sometimes I think that goes a little far - making us believe that to suffer is the ONLY way to wake up - when it is in fact our states of calm, peace and love WITHIN the suffering that actually awakens us. So again, I wouldn't necessarily choose my suffering. It happened because of human flaw. I am growing in spite of it. But I don't claim that it's the REASON I am who and I am or know what I know. Love did that.

What I've witnessed is that there are natural laws. There is a structure to how this reality works. It is complex. It is convoluted to our human perception. There is no ‘randomness’ in the sense that it’s all cause and effect - but the root of cause - the initial cause that started it all, the ABSOLUTE understanding of the patterns of reality and how all effects play out, the amount of power and control I have over my circumstances - that I don’t know.

I'm constantly in awe of how it all works, and will forever be looking to expand myself to understand more and more of the patterns, how they work and how I can work within them to create more harmony and less chaos - but I don’t claim any absolutely certainty on what the laws ARE.

What the structure IS.

Just that there is one.

Why it exists, how it came to be, whether or not there is a plan or purpose or if it’s just the random occurrence of life happening - I don’t know.

And I am ok with that. I will be a perpetual student always at the ready to see where I am wrong, because I assume I am.

And I am ok with that too.

There Is SO Much I Don't Know: And That Is A Part Of My Spirituality:

I don’t know what will happen to ‘me’ when I die. And again, I am ok with that. Am I one with all? Do I have a ‘soul’ that will live on past the body? Will I connect back with ‘unity awareness’ or stay in my individuated consciousness? Are there other planets and realms that I will travel to? Or will it be total decimation of the ‘I’ that ‘I” am? Who knows! And that’s ok. We can make some guesses, it would make sense that a part of me would carry on as energy can’t be created or destroyed only transferred - but we understand SO LITTLE about consciousness, what it is, how it works - that to have any certainty about it is again, in my view to be unduly confident.

Whether there is a plan to all of this, or if it's truly all random evolution - or something in between - doesn’t mean anything to me.

I don’t care.

Personally the idea that I'm ‘here for something’ or have some sort of call on my life, that there was some sort of destiny for me to fulfill, that I'm something special - doesn’t drive me.

Even the idea that there is something out there loving me, seeing me, validating me - I can feel confident in myself and my life without any of it.

I choose to give my own life meaning.

To me, being kind, learning, observing, falling apart and putting myself back together again, losing the plot, traveling, noticing what hurts and what feels good, seeing more and more and more about what consensus believes to be true in relation to what reality seems to show via results - this all gives me meaning.

If there is some greater purpose in it, cool. If not, also cool. Life is a fantastical ride. So much of my life was predetermined and I had and have no control over it. Can’t change so much about it. No matter how much I own myself and my responsibility in this life - again I can’t choose to undo slavery so that I'm not a part of a lineage of death and destruction. I can’t undo the traumas that caused my grandparents to traumatize my parents so that they would traumatize me. I can’t choose to be born on a different continent with connections to different spiritual roots that I now can’t claim to ‘be mine’ simply due to where my family lineage most recently came from.

What About All The Spiritual Teachings?

Do my thoughts create my reality? Maybe. I can certainly observe that what I think about most often drives my focus, my perceptions and my behaviors - thus generating effects in my life that would seem to follow a predictable pattern. Maybe I am connected to a vast ‘field’ of awareness that my thoughts are constantly communicating with and thus creating things for me. But at the same time, I have had so many experiences that fell DRAMATICALLY outside of my field of awareness or anything I had ever consciously been aware of. I also can observe that I am one swimming in an ocean of UNTOLD numbers of life, all having their own thoughts, projecting out onto reality, creating causes that then affect me. I can’t observe myself as a complete island - if you come and decide to shoot me in the back of the head, I can’t stop you. I didn’t see you or think about you. I also have so many thoughts I’m not aware of. I also don’t know where thoughts come from and how much I actually have control over my thoughts. So perhaps there is an element of thoughts creating reality - but to what extent I don’t know. It very much doesn’t appear to be all inclusive.

Did I plan this all before my birth? Again, no clue. No way of prove or disprove this. It’s a nice idea but one that can also feel constricting - like there is no free will. I’m just running a program. So to the extent that I can claim this - I do - which is essentially not at all.

Rather, I live by the motto - allow me to accept what I cannot change and the courage to change what I can. To embrace the little control I seem to have, and to marvel at and continually learn to understand all that is beyond me.

What I do have control over is simply how much I’m willing to sit back and learn. How much I’m willing to question. How much I’m willing to seek for something other than what I know. How much I’m willing to interact with the circumstances of my life and how much I am going to choose to love myself safe enough to LEARN. I’m able to control the amount I have awareness around - and that is something I may not actually have control over! It is something I work on every day, because I see how much I am not aware of.

I know I don’t own anything. No spiritual teaching. No gifts. No skills. No capacities. We are all a part of the ONE lineage of the human race. We have diversified and we have done atrocious things to one another from the vantage point that we are separate - and we have see the chaos that has come from that. I am choosing in my own life to bridge the gap as much as is possible. Again, that’s a free will thing I can do within the system I was born into.

I am a spiritual teacher who teaches one thing - self love - as this is the one thing I have seen over and over again be the thing that allow people to learn, and thus find better circumstances for themselves (more joy, less chaos). If this is ‘the right way to live’ I don’t know. Just for those who want that, and for myself who prefers it, that’s the path I’m walking.

I appreciate feeling connected to spirits outside of me. Being able to empath others. Being able to know things I couldn’t know and see things I shouldn’t be able to see. But I have no concrete explanation for why I can do these things. They are just a part of the life I live. And again I give them purpose and meaning towards more harmony less harm because that’s what I prefer. That could be totally conditioning, or a free will choice - and I am ok with either.

This Is My Spirituality:

Love is a verb.

It’s an action.

It’s an energy of being open to newness.

To change.

To evolution.

We can witness that.

And this is what I built my life around.

The ONE characteristic of that which is alive is that it's growing. THAT is my spirituality. Looking for that which fosters growth and going for more of that, looking for that which thwarts it and LEARNING about that.

My spirituality is just this. Love and growth. New information. Expanded awareness. Harmony as much as is possible. With all the grace for all the unconsciousness and biology running the show.

I believe all humans and all life deserve a chance to express themselves, to reach their absolute evolutionary potential and that we do this most by supporting one another.

I believe the human life grows more when it’s honored, validated, witnessed, encouraged and supported rather than antagonized - that many of us have grown in SPITE of our trauma and challenge not because of it.

I want to see what a world where all of us getting our needs met looks like. I believe this will be a world of infinite growth, not coddling and stagnancy. Thus that is the world I work towards.

That is my spiritually and the purpose I’ve given myself.

This may just be my own little security fantasy and I am 100% ok with that being true. With there being no structure in real reality. With the idea of growth or consciousness just being a figment of my imagination. That’s ok. That love exists may also not be true. So be it. There could be way more and perhaps I am connected to it - but I’m not attached to any of it being truth. There is joy in the unknown, once I let myself embrace it.

It doesn’t erase any of the magic of life, and actually seems to expand it. The less I am sure of, the more I have to be in awe of. I live a pretty mystical life, but I have no attachment to what it means or why it’s happening or what will come after. The adventure of it in the here and now is more than enough. All the theories are delightful and interesting and I hold them all with love and respect - but I am ok if all or none of them are true. I am ok with never really knowing while I am in the body. I am ok with it being a great mystical mystery!

How about you?



Author perceptiontrainers

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Join the discussion 6 Comments

  • Dear Aliyah, yes, I’m with you…..only sure of love…..that always seems to be the source……in spite of outcomes in reality that have sunk my boat……still floating! Respectful of religious and spiritual teachings from the point of view people have always wanted to understand where we came from, why we’re here, and where are we going?……that will always be. So here we are…..I have had many days I wish I no longer dwelled on earth in form. I hope I have a soul…..I have had spiritual dreams that would seem to say there is life after loss of form. None of us can prove a thing when it comes to the big questions. I truly have lived a life of not wanting to cause harm……but I know I have. Do I love myself…..not even sure of that…..a lot has happened to shake that foundation for myself……but I do know I have great love for others and they show me the same💗.

    • perceptiontrainers says:

      Thank you SO much for this beautiful reflection Mary Anne! Your depth of experience and all the wisdom you have clearly gleaned from what I know have been some deeply, deeply painful experiences is so inspiring. I love you for being, for being here, for walking your path. <3 <3 <3

  • Same💗send an e-mail response prior to this……my email address said hitmail…….too lazy to write it again… you Aliyah!

  • I’ve never read anything that’s simultaneously so unsettling and so comforting. Dang.

    Like the nature of infinity or boundlessness — it can’t be any THING because to be a thing is to be finite. And yet there appears to be a set structure to reality that is finite. So finitudes can live within infinity — but which finitudes are the most true? And by what finite metric do we use to determine that? (Rhetorical questions.)

    Thinking about this stuff makes my head spin. It’s a bit bittersweet that we’ll never figure it out.

    Thank you for writing all of these blog posts. I enjoy every single one. They give me great food for thought.

    Sending you much love <3

    • perceptiontrainers says:

      For SURE! And part of the beauty of life is learning to dance between that which we can never know, and that which we can know for sure 🙂 Thank you for reading, I appreciate you! <3

  • Raina says:

    I consider myself a spiritual teacher using astrology and the Tarot as tools for personal growth. I never look at a chart and say that is an iron-clad blueprint. I don’t encourage those for whom I read to put more emphasis on the chart and transits than on their own intuition.

    I have no way or desire to prove anything is absolute truth. I suspect it is an eternal paradox to get us out of the need for “proof.” This is where “science” falls flat. The desire/need to qualify and quantify everything is limited in scope, IMO.

    Modern society seems to need us to feel like either victims or perpetrators. Those born of from “privilege” due to a certain skin color must feel bad for what others with the same skin color have done. Even if they were not alive on the planet at the time, they must atone for others’ sins. Those who are born with more melanin are supposed to feel victimized by virtue of being born Black or Brown.

    I guess because I am of mixed heritage (White + Afro-Caribbean), I sit back in bemusement watching this play out. I have never identified with race or ethnicity.

    White Empaths/healers/spiritual teachers are falling in the trap of wanting to “heal” people of color by taking a knee, denouncing the sins of their race, etc. They are not detached enough to see the agenda and in my opinion, they are more patronizing than anything else. If Whiteness is truly a privilege, then putting a Black Lives Matter sign in front of your $800K home is NOT enough. Posting memes on your IG account is NOT enough. Putting down your heritage is not going to do much of anything and is an illusion.

    All it does it perpetuate victimhood. Increase intolerance. A White person who is so reactive to racism that they shut down when they hear something that counters their viewpoint is blocking off the energy of true understanding. Tolerance/open-mindnesses means understanding WHY people are bigots! Understanding is not agreeing with someone. Bigotry is also not one-sided or limted to race. A Black person can be a bigot. A lower income person who assigns negative traits to an affluent person without knowing them personally can be a bigot. As a mixed individual, I experienced people expressing bigotry to me not knowing who I “was.” Obviously I am not my ethnicity so it is absurd to take offense to it.

    My mother came from Puerto Rico. When I was first born, we moved into a suburb of Chicago that is now very liberal. At the time, it was the landing place for “White flight” or those who came from the West Side of Chicago as more and more Black people took up residence in that part of the city.

    My father was Caucasian and we moved into a house next to a family where the woman was not friendly to my mother. I can’t remember if she made a racial remark towards my mom but my mom felt that she was being treated with prejudice.

    My mother had the confidence to continue to pursue that friendship with her female neighbor and eventually the woman warmed up and started confiding in my mom about her problems!

    What would have happened if my mother had shut down and been offended by that bigotry? They would have had a cold war the whole time. That other woman LEARNED SOMETHING from that encounter with my mother: don’t judge a book by its cover!

    The overall White “wokeness” movement is toxic, IMO. Anytime that a person treats another person differently because of their race, even if they treat someone NICER, is a form of bigotry. This is because they are Otherizing someone. They are too aware of differences and not acting in a natural way towards someone else.

    The healer who wants to actual help others heal will not treat someone like a victim, even if they have been victimized. The true healer will practice loving detachment and be willing to listen to another person’s pain and help them to transcend identifying with that aspect of themselves. Ironically the White guilt-ridden liberal is trying to distance themselves from their race as if it’s inherently evil, not realizing that it is not who they are either!

    I believe we choose these outer designations of race, gender, economic circumstances, body, parents like an outline in a coloring book. Our free will is the ability to color within (or without!) the lines.

    Everything feels meaningful to me. So any suffering seems to be occurring for a reason and if I acknowledge that, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be part of the solution. On the other hand, I am not delusional enough to believe I can end it on my own.

    Ultimately I believe we are here to enjoy. To follow our bliss. Yes, there is suffering and whatever we can personally do to alleviate it on our end is amazing. But it’s also important not to emphasize suffering over joy. At least that is how I see it! Peace:)

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