Hello Lovely!

Today I want to discuss the REAL reason why we don't 'actually' want our spiritual/self help teachers to give us 'the answers' we are looking for in life.

Rather, we want to understand why it's SO much more beneficial for us to have guides that give us tools for figuring things out on our own - that give us methods of problem solving, understanding reality, that give us concepts and principles to look to and follow - but who DON'T swoop in to tell us exactly what to do, how to do it or when to do it.

In our world and culture today, it's very common to feel like we are lost, like we don't know what we're doing and like we need someone outside of ourselves to give us the direction we don't feel like we have from within.

This is for several reasons:

1. Most of us have not been given the chance to develop the inner confidence that we can and will figure things out. Rather, we have been brought up to fear failure, fear getting things wrong and deeply believe that the 'trial and error' path is the path of MISTAKES. We've been raised in a culture that doesn't value process, that doesn't value who we are becoming along the way, that doesn't value learning as we go - but rather is ALL about how things LOOK on the immediate surface. This leads us into a state where we aren't given the TOOLS for figuring things out as we go, because we are expected to either already know everything OR we are expecting that someone has the answers and that the best thing to do is to find that person/group who has the right answers and to just follow them. We have been deeply conditioned to fear failure, to fear not knowing and to fear 'getting things wrong' - and thus we've not had a lot of PRACTICE in feeling things out for ourselves.
2. We live in a world that's all about how things LOOK vs. how they ARE.  Meaning we've been conditioned to view our progress and our lives in general in terms of immediate outcome and how OTHERS are going to perceive who we are/what we are/what we are experiencing. We have been conditioned to be disconnected from our bodies, emotions and feelings, and to defer constantly to logic and opinion - which again drives us away from our guidance system and the tools we NEED in order to figure things out as we go. We have been conditioned to live for the surface level, meaning we aren’t given a chance to take a real human journey of learning - and if we DO we are trained to feel BAD about the messy, unpredictable, two steps forward one step back REALITY of figuring life out. We live in a world where we are constantly TOLD that there’s a one right, quick ‘answer’ for everything - and thus if we are struggling or if what we are going through is more complex that we must be missing something and doing something wrong - which then obfuscates our ability to learn from what is and instead drives us into a state of being in resistance to anything that isn’t the ‘ultimate answer’ - which again blocks our ability to take a journey. We are expected to already know everything before we start and this puts SO much pressure on us to PERFORM vs. being able to actually LIVE.
3. Our feelings of worth and value are deeply tied to our 'rightness' making it really hard to learn from mistakes and to figure things out as we go - because this means being 'bad' in the eyes of society. This is a BIG one - we have to remember that we are social creatures and a lot of the time this means that we are going to be deeply affected by what others think about us/what we THINK others are going to/are thinking about us. Most of us really fear being rejected or seen as ‘less than’ - and one of the BIGGEST thing our culture judges is not having your life totally figured out! Thus, rather than us being able to go through the actual discomfort of not having answers and not knowing exactly what we’re doing or how we’re going to get from where we are to where we want to go, we are often thrust into dealing with the pain and fear that comes with feeling like we are morally failing or like we are now unworthy of love, safety, respect or connection when we are lost or confused because this is what society has taught us. That when we are lost, confused and don’t have everything sorted out that WE are inherently flawed in some way. We can’t just have the experience and walk through it, because for most of us it MEANS to much about who we think we ARE and thus where we stand in society and how we’re going to be treated. Few of us have had the experience of going through something challenging and having those around us simply empathize with our challenge but give us the validation that we’re going to be ok. Rather we get ostracized, criticized, judged, looked down upon and even induce PANIC in those around us - leading us to resisting ‘not knowing’ because it affects our social life so much.

We don’t live in a culture that allows for journey, process and figuring things out.

Rather we live in a culture of harsh criticism, judgment, rejection, panic and resistance to any amount of not knowing and to any amount of making mistakes in order to find our way forward.

This is deeply painful, and it causes a lot of us to experience a stunting of our growth - it causes us to feel incapable, to feel like we need the constant reassurance of other people that what we’re doing is ‘right’, it causes us to dissociate from our feelings so that we can align with what’s expected and it causes us to lose touch with our self esteem and self confidence.

We truly believe we want/need someone or something to tell us the answers to life and to give us the way forward because we literally have never been shown what it’s like to use CRITICAL thinking skills, we’ve never been shown what it’s like to APPLY tools, techniques and principles, we’ve never been given the tools to figure out what’s working and what isn’t working with each step we’ve taken, we’ve not been given the tools to FEEL and take that extra layer of information into account as we go and we’ve never been given the opportunity to separate our self image from what we are experiencing in our day to day walk.

All of this is really quite painful, and leaves us feeling dependent upon others to tell us what to do when we’re suffering OR it leads us to DENYING that there is anything wrong/not working in our lives because we are so afraid to admit that we don’t know that we’d rather continue on how we are - no matter how painful it is - and we’d rather work really hard to make what we have LOOK GOOD - rather than admitting how we feel, what isn’t working and looking for a new way.

We feel helpless or defensive in our struggle - and this blocks us from being able to learn and figure things out.

This is INCREDIBLY disempowering because the TRUTH of the matter is - life is quite complex, and we are NEVER going to have it all figured out before we go.

In fact, it’s actually IMPOSSIBLE to have life all figured out because our experience - even when it’s repetitive on the surface - is always going to be new on some level.

We’re never going to have a total 20/20 vision of what we’re IN because so long as we’re in it, there are things to be worked out, seen and discovered that have never been looked at, seen or discovered by us before.

We can absolutely take the advice of others, we can learn from their experience and we can get to a place of having SOME awareness that gives us an IDEA of what to expect on our journey - but this is never going to be TOTALLY accurate to our unique path - because no two people are ever going to live the same experience. No matter how much we learn from others or do our research, our path is going to be unique to us, never having been walked before and thus it can never be fully known before it’s actually walked.

Our life path is going to include a complex combination of factors that make it unlike anyone else's path. Our experience of getting from where we are to where we want to go is never going to be something that can be fully predicted or known because our specific set of circumstances has NEVER existed in quite the way they exist for us before.

Our journey towards learning how to create a secure attachment isn’t going to look like anyone else’s journey exactly. There will likely be ELEMENTS that are similar to other people and their path, we can fully learn tools and techniques for understanding ourselves and our patterns, we can learn communication tools, we can learn regulation tools and we can certainly be held and supported by others who know generally how humans work and what we need to create safety - but at the end of the day, no one outside of ourselves can give us ALL the answers or the TOTAL path.

We are still going to have to face our triggers, learn to identify them, and learn to react and respond differently. We are still going to have to understand which tools to use in which situations to help us move forward - do we need more communication? More alone time? Are we perceiving something that someone has said incorrectly? These are all answers no one can give us - we have to find them on our own.

As much as we are going to WANT a perfect blueprint, to know exactly what to do when, to know what to expect and to have the whole journey laid out before we start taking steps - there is never going to be a possibility of this because who WE are, who we are relating to, what we have experienced, our perceptions and filters, what we need and what those we are relating to need will ALL be unique. 

Thus failure, not understanding, getting it wrong, getting up and trying again will ALWAYS be a part of any path no matter how well a teacher or teaching informs and guides us.

Intellectual Understanding Vs. Applied Knowledge

At the same time, we have to remember that there is a MASSIVE difference between intellectual understanding and an actual ability to walk out our intellectual understanding. In real reality, knowing something in our minds, having an awareness, being informed and having the information is only PART of what it takes to walk through an experience. The other half is the actual application of that knowledge.

To actually APPLY what we know - to have the difficult conversations, to quit the job, to start the new regiment, to actually DO what we are learning about in our reading and study - is a totally different thing! Many of us don’t realize it but brain/intellectual understanding is simply not the same thing as applied knowledge.

For instance, you can have all the knowledge in the world about building muscle - how to lift weights effectively, how to eat, how to rest and recover - but if you don’t actually DO those things - if you don’t go to the gym, if you don’t eat the meals, if you don’t rest - you aren’t going to be building muscle. 

At the same time, it’s through the APPLICATION of your knowledge that you actually figure out if your knowledge is accurate or not. It’s through the APPLICATION of your knowledge that you figure out all the little subtleties, nuances, details and intricacies that make up the ACTUAL path of building muscle that no one will be able to to tell you about because your path is going to contain unique challenges and influences that no one could possibly predict or prepare you for beforehand. 

Contrary to what our world seems to think - there is no true knowledge outside of APPLIED knowledge.

Our minds are able to make sense of anything - to come up with reasons and justifications for why ANYTHING could be true or real - but it’s in the actual PRACTICE that we find out if the knowledge was correct or incorrect. There’s no way of knowing if our theory is accurate until that theory is applied to real life - and thus walking things out is imperative.

We don’t get anywhere by studying and knowing. 

We must DO and APPLY and figure it out as we go - it is really the only way.

Which means, no matter how wise, no matter how aware, no matter how experienced or capable a teacher is and no matter how time-tried and tested a teaching is - we are always going to have to figure SOME things out on our own and we are always going to have to APPLY our knowledge in order to get results - and that application is GOING to involve the unknown, challenges we weren’t expecting and times of confusion and ‘failure’ simply because this is how reality is.

We are never really going to KNOW what we know, and we are never going to be able to move forward in our lives without GOING. 

Why We Don’t Want Answers But Tools

It’s in the practicing for ourselves, the walking it out, the trying things, seeing how they work, adjusting and re-trying that we ACTUALLY figure out what our path is - and with this we actually learn HOW to figure things out - which then gives us a skillset we can use for life.

When our teachers and teachings rush in to ‘tell us the answer’, what actually happens is we are robbed of the opportunity to use our own problem solving skills and our own tools of feeling, sensing and observing reality to help guide us WITHIN reality.

When our teachers and teachings rush in to give us the ‘solution’ when we’re struggling, rather than providing us with tools to help us figure it out for ourselves, what is ACTUALLY going to happen is we aren’t going to learn how to move ourselves forward. We aren’t going to learn the BIGGER lesson around applying our tools and finding our answers - which means we will then be repeatedly dependent upon someone else to ‘rescue’ us every time we struggle or get stuck - and this will only reinforce the idea that we aren’t capable and that we NEED help.

This is akin to cutting a butterfly out of its cocoon. We know that when a butterfly is ready to break out of its chrysalis, it MUST go through the struggle of breaking out on its own - it must experience the final growth challenge of getting out of its protective shell - in order to develop those last bits of strength that it will then NEED in order to fly. If someone comes along and cuts the butterfly out, rescuing it from that struggle, what we find is that butterfly will then likely wither and die because it won’t have had the chance to become strong where it needed to become strong.

The task of flying will be one it can’t accomplish because it didn’t develop the requisite strength through getting ITSELF through the challenge of breaking out of the cocoon and it will therefore be incapable.

The same is true for us. 

When teachers or guides do TOO much of the figuring out work for us, this is actually going to reinforce our sense of incapability. It’s going to drive home the idea that we aren’t able to learn on our own, that we aren’t capable of finding our way, that failure is scary and that we can’t do it - and this is not only going to hinder our progress along whatever path we’re on, but more than that, it’s going to affect the way we see ourselves and the way we live our lives in general.

Being told what to do, when to do it and how to do it robs us of the journey of developing self confidence and self esteem. It robs us of the PRACTICE of learning how to figure things out as we go and it then keeps us dependent upon the wisdom and understanding of others and it keeps us locked in fear of failure because we never get to see ourselves THROUGH failure to the learning on the other side.

Again, so much of life is about learning FROM failure. It’s about figuring out what does and doesn’t work, what is and isn’t true, what is and isn’t the way forward via DOING things and seeing how they go.

SO much of life is about becoming the KIND of person who can figure things out, because we’ve HAD to. Because we’ve allowed ourselves to actually BE in the process, the messiness, the confusion and the chaos and we’ve HAD to rely on our tools and our problem solving skills to move us forward.

When someone comes in and offers rescues us, generally speaking we are always going to want to take that option. It’s going to feel safer and more comfortable to let someone give us the answers we don’t see for ourselves and we’re going to WANT to get out of the pain or discomfort that we’re in as quickly as possible. But again, in this rescuing we don’t get the chance to BECOME the kinds of people who can solve our own problems and figure things out as we go, we don’t learn to face the rejection of others and go ahead anyway, we don’t get to EXPERIENCE that others can think poorly of us and that we can still be ok - and this means we stay stuck in fear, stuck in not being able to trust ourselves and not being willing to take steps.

We get stuck in waiting for perfect answers and paths, stuck in poor self image and stuck in fear of others thoughts and opinions of us - and this really does make our lives WORSE.

This is hard for a lot of us to accept, but again, this is why we don’t actually want our teachers to just ‘tell us’ the answers. As much as we may feel like this would be a relief to just have the answer, it sets us up for long term suffering when we aren’t given the chance to figure things out on our own.

The bottom line is, being given tools, outlines, general paths and lots of love and support from teachers and guides is INCREDIBLY helpful. We DO want this kind of outside intervention and life isn’t all about doing everything totally independently. 

There’s a balance here.

But we don’t want to be rescued, and we don’t want our teachers and guides to have to speak directly to our specific situation all the time for us to feel like we get the answers we need and for us to feel confident enough to take what appear to be our next steps - because this just keeps us stuck.

The Algebra Analogy

We can think of this like learning algebra in school.

Teachers and guides are like algebra teachers who provide formulas for you. They are telling you the basic rules and structures that exist in math, and they are giving you a framework through which you can interact with the mathematical problems you are going to face in your work.

They are the overarching principles.

Then, you are given problems to solve where you must apply the formulas to different equations to find the answers.

If the formula is correct and you learn how to use it, you can answer many problems.

If the formula is incorrect, you will learn through attempting to use it that it does not lead to the answer, and thus you need a new formula for the problems you are facing.

From there, in order to become truly empowered, you will need to learn how to recognize which problems require which formulas - and it’s THIS work that really turns you into someone who can confidently say they know how to do algebra.

When you can start to recognize the patterns of problems and what formulas apply where, and when you then take the time to practice applying those formulas over and over again - YOU become the expert who no longer NEEDS the teacher to tell you what to do and when - because you have done the requisite work to develop a true understanding via trial and error.

The more you PRACTICE applying formulas to problems, the more you get good at figuring out where you went wrong when you do, when a formula applies and when it doesn’t, how to check your work and this is going to help you develop confidence just as much as it helps you develop the actual skill of doing math.

If you are struggling with how to apply a formula to a particular problem, and a teacher swoops in to tell you the answer, it may feel good in the moment, but the next time you face a similar problem, because you did not have to figure out for yourself how to apply the formula, you will again not be able to solve the problem. This disempowers you.

When we take in wisdom from others, we are learning a formula. They are giving us a framework. But it is up to us to apply that formula. We must test the formula for ourselves to see if it works, and we must apply it to different problems so as to learn for ourselves how to masterfully apply it. 

Once we learn a formula and have practiced it on many different problems, we now have KNOWLEDGE and WISDOM that will serve to make our lives easier. If we skip the step of struggling with the application to learn for ourselves how to apply it to tricky problems, all we are left with is an inability to apply our solutions to our current problems.

We need to test this for ourselves. We need to see if this is true for ourselves. We need to apply the formula and see what results we get.

This is why we don’t really want to be told what to do - rather we want to be given tools, we want to be given the opportunity to fail, try and learn on our own, we want to be able to develop the capacity to be misunderstood and criticized and still go ahead anyway and we want to develop the capacity to know WHEN to use WHAT tools and HOW to apply them in our specific circumstances.

This is true empowerment and really, true teaching.

A guide should always lead you back to your tools, supporting you in using them.

A guide should give frameworks to try.

You then should try them and see how they work, rejecting the ones that don’t and looking for new tools in those cases.

You then give yourself the opportunity to become masterful through the DOING. The failing and starting again. The falling down and getting back up. The figuring out why what worked worked and why what didn’t, didn’t.

THIS is how you move forward in life and THIS Is how you develop confidence in yourself.

The truth is, we do not actually want our spiritual/self love/awakening teachers and guides to give us the

Alright my friend, you must think of this like learning algebra.

The books you are reading give you formulas. They are the over-arching principals.

Then, you are given problems to solve where you must apply the formulas to different equations to find the answers.

If the formula is correct and you learn how to use it, you can answer many problems.

If the formula is incorrect, you will learn through attempting to use it that it does not lead to the answer, and thus you need a new formula for the problems you are facing.

If you are struggling with how to apply a formula to a particular problem, and a teacher swoops in to tell you the answer, it may feel good in the moment, but the next time you face a similar problem, because you did not have to figure out for yourself how to apply the formula, you will again not be able to solve the problem. This disempowers you.

You need to take these things and realize you are learning a formula. But it is up to you to apply that formula. You must test the formula for yourself to see if it works, and you must apply it to different problems so as to learn for yourself how to masterfully apply it. Once we learn a formula and have practiced it on many different problems, we now have KNOWLEDGE and WISDOM that will serve to make our lives easier. If we skip the step of struggling with the application to learn for ourselves how to apply it to tricky problems, all we are left with is an inability to apply our solutions to our current problems.

You need to test this for yourself. You need to see if this is true for yourself. You need to apply the formula and see what results you get.

You are an adult friend. I cannot give you the answer, and even if I do, all it will lead to is you having another question that you can't answer in the future, because I disempowered you by not allowing you to struggle to figure it out for yourself.

<3

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