Now let's continue on, shall we?
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Your Journey Doesn't Delegitimize You - In Fact It's Your Power:

Please don’t delegitimize ANYTHING you have done or any progress that has been made in your life just because it hasn’t led to ‘perfect’. Thats consumerist/religion based thinking. We, and life, are so much more complex. Progress is real. Your hard work is REAL. No matter how it looks.
I’ve been putting the piece of my health puzzle together on my own for the last 17 years. I’ve made massive progress. And I’m not perfect. I’m not ‘healed’. I had to do it on my own because there weren’t resources for me. I still have more to figure out and learn. There is no ‘after.’ Just a continual evolution towards BETTER - towards GENERATION. Like literally experiencing being able to DO things I have NEVER been able to do before ever in my life. I’m not even re-gaining lost health, I am gaining health in areas I have ONLY EVER BEEN SICK in before. But I have learned SO MUCH because of the DEPTH of this experience. I am where I am, knowing what I know BECAUSE it's been so hard and complex. Literally, without this journey being what it's been, I wouldn't know what I know.
THIS IS HOW WE LEARN. Through the hard stuff. Through the complex stuff. The JOURNEY IS WHAT GIVES US THE WISDOM. If we keep looking for 'transcended people' who no longer have struggle/paint their story as perfectly ended - we miss the point. If their journey was that simple, there most likely wasn't a whole lot of wisdom in it. Not that simple journey's are wrong or bad - it's just if we make the simple the only truth - how much are we missing?
The fact that I no longer get the stomach aches that would leave me incapacitated with stabbing pain for hours several times a week is a miracle. That I no longer get my yearly ‘black lung’ infection that lasts 4-6 months. The fact that my infection rates are LOWER every year, that I can digest foods I never could before, that I’m steadily seeing a capacity to bring my nervous system into safety so I can actually REST when I’m resting. The fact that I no longer have joint pain all throughout my body. The fact that I no longer gain and lose 15 pounds over night due to inflammation. The fact that my skin is no longer ORANGE from liver weakness. The fact that I can fly on a plane and take a trip and not then have to recover for the next 2 months. The fact that I have massive emotional resilience. The fact that I have more and more stamina with less and less backlash. Literally. These things are things I NEVER had before. I still get sick. I still have pain. I still struggle. But not like before. I’m not at ‘after’ and maybe I never will be. Just better. And that’s how I know what I’m doing is working. Because of how bad I USED to be.
I decided not to let the fact that I’m not perfect, stop me from doing the work I want to do in the world. I decided not to wait until my ‘after’ to start sharing the tools that have been helping me IMPROVE SO MUCH. Again, with what I went through, people who were raised like me are generally in much, much, much worse shape. On all levels. Because what I went through was really really messed up. I know in my core that if I can get better given everything I’ve been through - others can to.
I talk because I want to be a voice to those who no one else can help. Who society is blaming for their pain. I want to talk to ‘me’ back then - who KNEW something was wrong when everyone was saying it was in my head. Who knew I had to make these massive changes that were going to be really fucking scary and hard, and who had to do it ALONE. I want to reach everyone out there who has been abandoned. Who isn’t understood. Who knows they have to do life different and just needs that external validation that they aren’t crazy.
Your journey, your messy, complicated, not clear, no bow journey is not something that delegitimizes you. You know what you know because of it. It's part of why you have depth. Even if it doesn't look that way right now, it's true. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not doing it wrong. This world is complex. You are complex. Make room for all of you.
I never fit into society. My health and my hyper-emotional sensitivity made that impossible for me. It also made me vulnerable on a lot of levels and I got really traumatized because of it. Coming back from that trauma is hard. Even being able to see it is hard. I thought it was normal to assume my illness was all my fault and the worst part about it was that it made it so that I couldn’t be as productive and providing for those around me. It didn’t even OCCUR to me to feel bad for MYSELF for having to be in pain and work so hard to be functional up until a few years ago. It was that deep. I’ve brought myself back from the brink of death on at least 5 occasions - so for anyone who thinks I’m fooling myself and am about to keel over and not know it - trust me. I’m one of the few on this planet who actually DOES know what it feels like to be almost dead. I’m not there.
If you can relate - it's the same for you. You're not broken. Your symptoms aren't your fault. It IS complex and trauma IS real. Its effects are systemic and complex. YOUR JOURNEY IS REAL. And not your fault.

I Share Because I'm BETTER Not PERFECT:

I’M BETTER than I’ve ever been, and then I probably SHOULD have been. That’s why I share. Because fuck, if I can do it, if I can have better, if I can be in this body in SO MUCH LESS pain than ever, with so much more UNDERSTANDING, having healed in ways I didn’t even know I was sick - there’s hope. If I was able to find self love, compassion, to believe myself, to make actual choices that got me totally rejected and attacked but that led to me getting better, if I was able to see through my deep conditioning - I want to pay forward what I’ve learned in the hopes that it can support others who are in the same spot I was. For a long time I couldn’t afford a doctor. A therapist. A community. I didn’t have access to anything. That’s why I share most of what I do for free. Or at a low low price point. Because I get it. This is hard and access isn’t universal.
If my messages resonate with you - I see you. I feel you. It’s not your fault. You’re not broken. I’m so sorry you have to face what you have to face. That you’ve been so abandoned, abused and neglected. That your mind was warped to believe you are a huge problem. That you are being told you need to be normal and that you can’t. I am here with you. I see you. I feel you. You’re not alone. There is BETTER. I promise there is.
I know what I know because my path has been hard, not because it was easy and I just messed it up for myself. I think we as a human race need to simply recon with the idea that sometimes, life is just HARD. It really is complicated, complex and in some cases is actually not ever going to be 'perfect' by our standards. That there isn't always an 'answer' that makes it all better. Rather there is most likely a SERIES of steps and answers that take us on a JOURNEY. We have to accept that sometimes the way we learn things is through the challenge. Through the LONG challenge. That depth of wisdom comes from depth of experience - and we need to let go of the idea of bright and shiny 'before and afters' - to make room for the very real, humble, HUMAN experience of journey, path and phases.
I’m doing my best to walk this path I was given just like everyone else. I would NEVER trade my experience for anything. I would never go back and be well. I would never change my upbringing and all the trauma. I would never change how I AM. The fundamental sensitivities that made me so susceptible to getting to sick in the first place. The fact that I can’t cope or numb. The fact that I FEEL so MUCH all the time. This means pain a lot - yes. But it’s also given me access to SO MUCH TRUTH. I love my life. All of it. I like who I am. I don’t identify as sick. I identify as sensitive. I feel a wider spectrum of things more often than the ‘average.’ It’s driven me to extremes, yes. But again, those extremes have taught me so much. I embrace this path no matter how it’s going to look for me in the future. I’m here for this. And I’m here for everyone else that has a similar ‘this.’
To anyone who resonates with this, again, I'm here with you. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken and never have been. You're complex and your journey is unique. There's nothing, nothing, nothing wrong with you. Your stuff didn't start with you. You have power, but not through self blame or shame. You deserve to embody your story with pride as it's just that - your story. Your journey. You don't owe the world a shiny, happy, put together version of you. You're allowed to be just as you are, always. Make yourself your most safe place - it's the most important and valuable work you will ever do.
If you can’t get past how I look, I genuinely hope you can find someone out there who has the messages you need to hear in a package that’s more comfortable for you. I understand. No one is for everyone. I fully understand that to look at me brings up a lot of things for people - their own traumas, fears, doubts. To see someone who doesn’t look healthy stirs in us a recognition of our own mortality. Our own capacity to be sick and not able to control it. Of course people want to believe I’m just creating my own illness because that means wellness is fully within our control! No one wants to hear that I'm working really hard and doing everything I can and am still sick - due to traumas I didn't cause myself. That some things happened to me I had no control over and may not be able to fix. No one wants to hear that. So I get it. I stir up a lot. And that’s ok.
I love you no matter what. I support you no matter what you choose.
I wanted to be transparent because if you are suffering too, you’re not alone. You’re so so so good enough. You’re worthy of love just as you are. You didn’t create the mess you’re in - none of us did.

We are all just humans being the best we can with what we have. And I'm proud of you for being here and working it out. Being human is complicated. We are born with things we didn’t chose, into a world we don’t understand. We do damage we don’t know we are doing. We make progress and learn. Your journey is messy and it’s valid. Don’t let social media fool you into believing it’s simple for anyone. Your real journey is VALID. I’m here for it. I love you. You got this. Please share with anyone you know who’s struggling. You’re valid and there’s hope.

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p.s If your curious about my personal journey (as I have had a lot of awareness come to me about myself since writing this post) you can check out more on the story here
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